Saturday, December 25, 2010


Well, I'm writing again, just to say that I'm here, still kicking, and trying to get things done.

I'm doing well in school. I never really thought I'd enjoy it, but being one of the oldest guys in the classroom does tend to bring out the competative side in me. I refuse to let these young bucks think that they can have their cake and eat it too!

This Christmas was a bit disappointing for me, but at least I am able to move into the New Year with my head high, and full of hope.

I was able to get a couple of things for each of my kids, and I was able to meet expectations for bills. I'm still unemployed, so there's no income to help, but I have been able to find work from day to day and help defray the worries of making ends meet. I only hope some kind of employment rears it's ugly head at some point so that I can stop chasing my tail very shortly.

For quite a few years, I was always told that I wouldn't make it in school. That I needed to get a job that would teach me a trade, and then get on with my life. I was told that even though I'm an intelligent person, I just am not cut out for classrooms, and needed to put actions in place of lessons.

Now, I find that all to be a bit insulting.

I can do whatever I put my mind to. If I want to study, I study. If I want to work, I work. If I want to sleep, I sleep. If I want to stay up to ungodly hours typing on my computer for a blog, then so be it!

I dictate my actions, my actions do NOT dictate me. Other people do not tell me how to live my life. There are only three people who can influence my actions, and they honestly don't know about it.

Because of this, I am working hard at making a better life not only for myself, but for them as well. I only hope that at some point the work won't seem like work, but more like something I can easily do, and choose to do because it's right, and not a chore.

Here's to hope..

Hoping that you and yours have a very Merry Christmas, and best wishes in the New Year!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Well, it's final. I filed papers, and in January, I become single yet again!

However, I'm not one to just sit around and mope. No, I decide to do things when I'm frustrated and irritated.

What did I do this time you might ask?

Only got myself into debt about $50k.

That's right. This old man is going back to school.

I can't believe it, and to be honest it scares me a bit. I mean, I like school, but I was never really good at paying attention and following rules ordered to me by someone who never really stepped outside of a classroom to actually put what they preach into action.

The "do as I say, not as I do" approach doesn't work with parenting, so why should some professor expect it to work in life??

Anyway, that's my goal, and I'm hoping for a fresh start, and new opportunities to make something more of myself not only for me, but for my kids as well.

Only time will tell, and I'm of the mindset that nothing can stop me now but myself.

Here's to hoping that I don't stop!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Back, but for how long?

Well, it's official. I'm going back to being single yet again.

However, after seeing another side, I can't say that I'm disappointed.

To be honest, I'm sure that there were flaws and character traits in my wife that I was willing to overlook because of the feelings and love that I had for her. However, with the recent developments and comments and conversations, I've found that I still care for her, but the love has gone.

For the best? I don't know, I really couldn't say.

But for me, it's going to have to be fine, since I've still got things to do, and goals to accomplish.

I'm not dead, I'm not giving up. I'm pressing on, and I'm going to make the best of it.

Just wait.. I'm sure that at some point I'll have enough anger built up to write a few scathing posts and get someone's tail twisted.. Just give me time.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I'm tired.


I can hardly keep my eyes open to type this, and my arms feel like lead.

I'm grabbing up as much overtime as my job allows, and it's really starting to take it's toll on me. The commute isn't bad, but when you've got an hour to drive to work, plus an hour back, and you add in the 16-ish hours of work... It really adds up, and leaves little time for sleep or eating.

I'm trying to keep myself busy. I'm trying not to think. I'm trying to fill my time up so much that I won't get started on what's happening, and eventually it'll just happen, I'll keep working, and it'll be over. 'Nuff said, right?


I'm trying to kid myself, but even with all of this work, I still can't get over the pain, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the anger, and depression.

I just don't know if I'll ever get over this. I don't know if I really want to, either.

But the fact is that if I don't start getting some better sleep and taking better care of myself, they'll be scraping up what's left of me out of some wreck on the interstate. I can't afford to do that to my kids.

So, less overtime, less of a paycheck, and more time to think about my screwed up life in general.

You win some, you lose some....

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Resignation and Frustration

You know what really sucks?

When you're faced with an inevitable challenge, and you know that you're not going to measure up to be able to meet the goal, regardless of your mindset, or any factors that are in your control.

This is one such time.

I love a person who obviously doesn't love me back.

How do I know this?

Because if they did love me as much as I loved them, then the requests for not talking to them, and the need to run away and hide wouldn't bother me half as much as they do.

However, they are made with regard to their own self-interest, and not with my heart and feelings taken into consideration at any point.

Case in point: Her asking me not to write her emails that talk about things I've found out about myself because they make her feel guilty.

Nothing in that statement has any regard for the insight that I've had, or the pain and self-flagellation I've done to come to these cold hard truths that I've found out about my flawed self.

No, it's because it bothers her that she should feel guilty when she's perfectly happy without me, and is more concerned with burying the past, and heading into whatever future she can forge for herself.

She tells me that she doesn't want to put me through any more pain. However, it's there, and it's not going to go away.

How do I know this?

Becuase there's NO WAY that I'm going to be getting back even a THIRD of what I've lost. I've lost my wife. I highly doubt that she's coming back, especially after she leaves for parts unknown. I honestly think that she'll come to be at some point before then with papers to sign. (In person of course, because she's not going to surprise me with some anonymous letters via officer to sign.)

Then there's the case of my kids. They no longer live with me. I had them, I enjoyed living with them, seeing their faces, hugging them, playing with them, wrestling with them, and just basking in the family glow. I get that now, but only in bits and pieces. If my wife and I were to somehow miraculously patch things together, my kids still wouldn't be there. Even if she and I were to have kids of our own, my three would still be MIA, and there'd be a hole where they once filled.

I know that I should be a pessimist, and figure that everything's going to eventually unravel fairly quickly, and then I'll be "cut loose" from the pain... Yet all that does is enrich the pain I'm feeling.

She tells me that this isn't easy for her. To be honest, I believe her. Yet it's not because it causes her pain to make the decisions. It's not because her love is taking cuts. It's because she doesn't like seeing people in pain.

Read that.. I said PEOPLE. Like I'm just any other passerby on the street. Not someone she shared a life with, or built a home with for an extended period of time.

Now? I'm just some schmuck who can't get it through his head that she's better off without me, and that no matter what I do, or what I accomplish, it's over and done.

The most amazing part is that it was a lose-lose from the beginning. Try to hold on, and she pushed away. Give her the space she asked for, she took more and ran with it. There's no looking back for her. No regrets, no real goodbye, just a "later" kind of wave, and a slammed door in my face. (provebially, of course.. not literally)

There's a part of me that hopes she takes this "newfound" freedom and chokes on it. The anger is really close to the surface most days now, and I find it kind of hard not to lash out at folks for things that really aren't their fault.

There's that part of me that gets a bit psycho. Stalker-like. See what she's up to, drive past her work or house, that kind of thing. I don't do it, but the thoughts and feelings are there regardless.

There's the part of me that doesn't care anymore. The part that wants to curl up in a ball on the bed, and just wait for things to all go away.

There's a part of me that wants to drink and get that numb feeling to make everything managable.

However, I don't give into any of this.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because underneath it all, I'm stubborn enough to just keep on, and let things go. Yeah, it hurts, and the pain is sometimes stronger than I can handle alone. Yet I've got some good friends who are willing to help me get a handle on what bothers me, and not ask questions. They let me handle things my own way, and then make sure that my decisions don't make me regret anything the next day. That, more than anything else, is my saving grace right now.

I know that she's going to read this, and I'm sure that she'll have to explain or defend her choices. However, this IS my perception of what I'm seeing and feeling, nothing more, nothing less.

So, explain all you like.. I'll still probably see some kind of "and this is why I'm never going to come back to you" in the words you write to me here.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

There's guilt, and then there's GUILT.

I'm feeling like crap now.

The wife and I had a "talk" this evening, and I'd really rather have gone somewhere and driven rusty nails into my hands and eyes.

The gist of the talk is that she's moving. Away. Without me. WAY out of town.

Technically, we're still married, but I can feel the divorce papers coming my way at any given time. She's happier.. (hell, 90% of separated and divorced women say this.. Thanks Rutgers!) She's going to be moving to a larger town with her neice who's going away to college.

To be honest, I can't blame her. She didn't go to college. She didn't get to have wild college parties and live on the edge. Now? She's going to be able to experience it all.. And I can't really blame her. In fact, I envy her.

Yet it also seems to me that she's running away. Running away from the kids, me, the town, her family (aside from her niece).. Running away from anything and everything that might resemble her life with me. I actually feel like a piece of garbage that's been tossed out for the truck to come pick up, but nobody INCLUDING the garbage man wants to deal with me!

Then I also was asked not to be sending her anymore emails. Now, I have written her a couple of times when I've had some eye-opening revalations about myself and the skills that I've lacked for our marriage. I've admitted where I've failed, and I've told her all about it.

Yet somehow this makes her feel guilty.


The guilt lies with me, not her! How is it that my coming to realize that I've been a complete failure and screw-up causes someone else to feel guilty?

The guilt and fault is mine.. Don't try to take it upon yourself to feel for someone who doesn't deserve your guilt or pity.

So, now I'm left with the quickly fading options:

No family. The kids are with their mom. I get to see them when I'm not trying to fill my time with work. Soon, no wife. She's leaving town at the end of the year, and I don't think I'll see her again because I highly doubt she's going to be looking back.

So, what's really left?

That's a question that right now I'm not in a mindset to answer or think about.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I'm in the wrong!

As some of you may or may not know, I moonlight as a DJ so that I can bring in extra cash, and help meet some of my weekly expenses.

This time, I was the MC for a wedding.

I don't know about you, but with the stuff that I'm going through I'm finding it difficult to find happiness in someone else's joy. I mean, usually when I'm doing these kind of things, I recall happy memories, and I'm able to at least enjoy myself to a degree while technically working as the "sound guy".

Today was something a bit different.

I listened to the message while these two young people were wed. Taking the words to heart, I've come to realize that I've seriously wronged my wife, and I'm here to try to apologize and somehow figure out a way to make amends.

First off, I've taken her for granted. I've assumed that she's there to take care of the kids when I'm not home. I've assumed that she'll do the housework that needs to be done. I've assumed that she'll take care of everything, and I'll do what I remember to do (most of the time) and everything will be fine.

This is the first of many mistakes I've made. I need to be there and be doing just as much as she had been doing. I needed to step up and take charge of the kids. I needed to be there and do work around the house when I've seen that it needed to be done. I need to be more accountable for the things, large and small, that go hand in hand with living with a family.

Secondly, I've failed to keep the marriage thriving. I haven't kept the romance kindled. I haven't made her feel like the cherished person that she is. I've assumed that she knows it, but I've never really DONE anything to SHOW her. I haven't made her feel loved, wanted, pursued.. I needed to do all these things and more, and yet I haven't.

Lastly, I've failed to communicate effectively with her. Nearly each and every discussion we had led to some kind of defensive action on either her or my part. We were never able to talk and just listen to the other. Communication is so vital to a marriage, and with that vitality missing, it's really no wonder that it's basically dying right before my very eyes.

I've come to realize all of this, yet somehow it seems like too little, too late. Why is it that some of the most important lessons you learn tend to be AFTER you need it?

I've still got a sliver of an opportunity, but the outcome of that chance isn't in my control, so I don't know if this insight is really going to matter or not. However, it's a lesson that I'm taking to heart, if only to be able to pass on this knowledge to my own sons as they get old enough to find brides of their own.

Love your spouse. Cherish them. TALK with them. Make them feel needed and adored. Make time to spend with them.. Do this, and the marriage has much better odds of overcoming adversity as it comes. Let them slide, and you'll end up where I'm at.

Do me a favor, and work on the marriage.. You don't want to be in my shoes.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

All over but the bleeding...

Yeah. It seriously looks that way. I've tried to talk, I've tried to change, and I've tried to do whatever I could to breathe life into the corpse that is my failing marriage.

However, without the life spark from the other side, things just won't happen.

She admitted to me that she doesn't love me.

So I'm throwing all of my love, my energy and desire at a rock.

For me, this is the end. I'm not going through this again. I CAN'T go through this again. I honestly don't know if I could take it.

So, I'm working on bettering myself for my kids and me. I'm going to see through my obligations and responsibilities, and I'm going to just be.

I'm not going to look for anything else. I'm going to work, I'm going to play and be with my kids, and I'm going to eat and sleep and do whatever else is necessary to get me from one day to the next.

I'm not going to look for someone else. I refuse to open myself up to someone else who could crush me. I let down my lies and defenses for one person, and in that moment of weakness I was all but destroyed. Never again.

The walls are going back up, and the impenetrable fortress of my heart and emotions will remain safe and secure.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


You know, I'm quite the firm believer in the human spirit.

I believe that if we put our minds to whatever we desire, the only thing that can keep us from achieving that desire or goal is ourselves.

I also am a believer in God. I believe that he's out there, and that he cares deeply for me.

I've been critiqued a few times on this blog for needing to "get back" to faith, and "get right" with God.

To be honest, God and I are on good working terms. I'm not really in good cahoots with the human aspect of his religion, though.

To be honest, the church can kiss my ass.

I feel closer to God by walking my dogs, seeing the sunrise, and appreciating this wide wonderful world I've been put in.

I don't feel closer to God when I walk into a building, and get put into some kind of cookie-cutter social ladder. You know the type: "This person seems to know how to pray and read the Bible, so they're holy and righteous, but not as much as me, and definitely not on par with so-and-so" ad nauseum. Is there seriously a religious pecking order? Do we have to be "Holier-than-thou" in order for our faith to impact people?

I say no. Actions speak much more loudly than words. There are christians that I would LOVE to emulate. Their faith, their beliefs, and their joy for life and love are something I've yet to find, but am desperately seeking.

However, there are also christians out there who seriously give the title a black eye. It's these hypocritical ones who have basically chased me off, and made me swear that I'm not going back. It's these types of people who are probably the basis for all of the other Christian sects that we find, and maybe even a few offshoot religions as well.

I don't think that they really MEAN anything by their religious stupidity, I just think that they don't know any better. As the old adage says "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

I'm sure that they mean well, they just don't follow through with it, and in doing so they cause more harm than any good that can come out of the situation.

I believe in the sancitiy of marriage. I believe that two people can work as a team, and make more out of their lives and love than any one person can honestly hope to achieve. I believe that no outside force can separate these two if they believe in each other, and support one another.

I believe that there's a reason for anything and everything that happens to us. We adapt, we move on, or we wither away and die. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

I believe that I lost track of where I was going with this post..

Because of this, I believe that I will close now, and just let the dust settle for a while...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

There are views, and then there are views....

Well, I can't dispute the fact that most of the things I've done basically have no proof in them whatsoever.

The only real way someone can believe that I was in the Navy is because I fell into a picture of mine from boot camp. I don't have any of the others where I made E-4, E-5, or E-6.. I don't have the nostalgia pictures that I took while in Taiwan, Hong Kong, or Tokyo. I don't have my Pearl Harbor regalia. Hell, I don't even know where my sea bags and old uniforms went to!

I don't have any of my old uniforms or pictures when I travelled around Europe playing soccer. I don't have the train ticket stubs. I don't have the airline tickets. I don't even have some of the shirts and posters that I gathered while playing for the six weeks I was over there.

All I have are memories, and even those are apparently suspect.

How can you refute the testimony of one person's word against another? It's a he-said-she-said argument that's going to get you absolutely nowhere. I'd love to argue about it, but the fact will still remain that I have NO proof. Until such time as they're able to make a machine that can see and project your memories, I'm stuck.

Leave aside the fact that the person who is denying my memories is the same person who abused me for 15+ years, and denies this as well. This same person is someone with whom I'm still quite uncomfortable being around for any long length of time. This same person still shows the preferences and attitudes that I've grown used to seeing, and don't really pay attention to anymore.

However, for those who haven't lived or dealt with it, they have no reason to believe any of it, now would they?

Why should they believe that some upstanding christian woman would come home from work and beat the living tar out of her oldest son if the laundry wasn't completely finished? Who would believe that the lead nurse at a community's recovery room would slap her son across the head with the seat of a piano bench, and then tell the doctor stitching him up that he hurt himself playing football in the street? Who would guess that this caring woman for every other person on the face of the planet had such a violent temper and hard fist?

I can't say. I carry the scars. I carry the wounds. I carry the hurt, but again I have no proof.

Maybe someday I'll be justified, but for now all I have are the memories.

Oh, and the scars.

State of Confusion

I don't understand people.

How can one person feel one way, and have someone else feel another about the same situation?

Take movies. A drama usually evokes serious reaction from people. Some folks hate drama. They can't stand the fact that the movie made a spotlight about a specific emotion or feeling. Others adore them. They love being taken on the rollercoaster rides of emotion, and come back for more religiously.

I don't see how I can be so torn about what's happening to our marriage, and yet see my wife being so happy.

Maybe for her, it's just the finishing touches to what has been a bad time in her life, and she's well rid of the stress and pain that I caused and brought into her life. Maybe without me there, she'll be able to see and do all of those things that she's so desperately wanted to do but couldn't because I was around.

For me, it's like watching your arm slowly wither away and die. There's nothing you can do to save it, it's excruciatingly painful, and you're going to miss it terribly.

I don't know.

I do know this... However much it hurts lets me know just how deeply I felt for what we had.

I just wish I could know if there was truly anything there from her end at all, or if it was all for my kids?

How can I say this?

Because she still wants to be a vital part of my kids' lives, just not mine. In this, I'm honestly insanely jealous. I wish she'd feel that way for me. I wish there was some way for those feelings she has for my kids would be directed my way. I wish, I wish, I wish....

And yet, even through it all, I'm blessed.

Because regardless of the outcome, I know that at the end of the day my kids will be well provided for if anything were to ever happen to me.

In the end, that's all that really matters.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A glutton for punishment.

I must be a sadist in some form.

How have I come to this rationalization?

It's easy. I keep trying to talk and see my wife. I desire to spend time with her. Hell, I enjoy just being able to look at her and talk with her.

Obviously, she's not of the same mindset, or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That, coupled with a small tid-bit of info that she gave me tonight really kind of hurt, and I just can't get the words to stop echoing in my head.

This is what she told me:

"I'm actually happy, and less stressed now. People have seen the change, and notice it without even knowing what's going on between you and I."

I keep thinking that maybe I should just let go. Maybe I should let her get on with her life, and stop trying to drag around something that is never going to happen. I mean, if I were a true man, and if I truly love this woman, than I should do what I can to make sure that she's happy, right?

If I follow this line of reasoning, then to make her happy, and because I love her, I've got to let her go, and just cut off my last piece of life I have left. A type of self-suicide of the heart, if you will.

My head keeps telling me that it's over.. I just wish I could somehow get my heart to listen.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Joke's on Me!

As I stated in my last post, my High School reunion was this weekend. I wanted to go for two main reasons:

First, I didn't go to my last one, and wanted to see what everyone looked like since some time had passed.

Second, there are a couple of folks that I graduated with that I'd really like to see again, and I was hoping that they'd be there.

Well, I was disappointed on both accounts.

The cliques were still the same. Popular kids hung out with each other. Jocks (even the ones who were too out of shape and overweight to ever play again!) hung out with each other. The skinny bitches and built dickheads all stuck like glue.. It was like jumping back into high school for adults, and living the nightmare all over again.

I'd never really fit into any one social pecking order in high school. I played for band, orchestra and choir. I played 4 different sports. I was a bookworm who was able to get pretty good grades without really having to crack the books. The only two things I had going against me were that my family wasn't floating in cash, and I wasn't one of the overly pretty folks.

Thus, I was an outcast from pretty much each and every group in school. Too athletic for the intelligent and musically gifted folks. Too bookish for the jocks. Too ugly for the pretty folks. Too poor to be in with the self-endorsed rich kids who by definition were the most popular because of what they could afford, and had AWESOME party houses when the folks were away.

This weekend showed me that years can pass, but some things will never change. Even with me going out and starting conversations got me a cold shoulder, and not even a grunt for a "hello". I felt relegated to even less than the hired caterers at the party, because at least they were talked to!

All in all, I spent a frustrated evening watching folks get re-acquainted with each other, and I ate yet another slice of humble pie knowing that even though I've got friends and family, there's really not much about me that begs for folks to be interested in me.

Sure, I'm eloquent. I'm snooty and have a bit of a quick wit and temper. I'm stubborn. I argue. I chew at things until it pisses most folks off, and they tell me off about it.

I'm all these things, and yet I'm something more....

I'm a dad. I'm a father who doesn't want to see this kind of thing happen to his kids. I want them to be in the popular groups. I want them to look forward to seeing their classmates after they've graduated. I want them to have the chances I've never had.

My goal now is to try to make that dream a reality.

Here's to dreams.....

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Reunion time..

Yeah. It's about that time.

I can't believe that it's time for yet another High School Reunion. Has it really been that long ago? I don't feel any different, really. I know I look different. Heck, I'm nearly 200 pounds heavier now than I was when I graduated!

I would love to show up at this with my wife on my arm, but with things the way they are, I'm going to let her be, and deal with things myself.

I wonder who all is going to be there?

I get to set up and run the music, so I'll be there a bit early, and get to see the folks and their reactions before most other folks.. That'll be a bit of a bonus!

Take care all!

Monday, July 5, 2010

It's the little things...

You know, I guess that there's one good thing about my ability to lie well.

At least the kids are able to have fun still. That means that I guess I can fake it pretty well, right?

Yesterday wasn't bad, but it was quite depressing for me. However, I tried to put on a good face, and make it interesting and fun for the kids. Since they called me today, and told me how much fun they had, I guess I did something right, wouldn't you say?

I've got to admit.. Even though I'm really chewing myself up over this entire thing, if the kids make it through this in good shape, I'll be content.

I guess that it's not who you lie to, or what it's about. It's really all in the intention, isn't it?

Or is it?

That's the question that keeps getting me in trouble, I guess.

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Well, I used to look forward to holidays. I used to love spending time with friends and family, laughing and enjoying the company of each and every person.

Now? I can't stand the thought of yet another holiday.

Let me tell you why:

I don't have a family to spend it with. Sure, I've got a mom and dad who invite me to things, but only if my brother and his family show up. Then, it becomes a session of waiting for what they're going to do in order to schedule everything around their time. I love my brother, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'd also REALLY like to have something scheduled around MY time for once as well.

Also, since separating from my wife, I don't have someone I really want to spend much time with. I mean, I spend quite a bit of time with my roommates, but they have work schedules and families of their own to spend time with, and I don't want to become some kind of hindrance with their lives. My wife doesn't really want me around, so I'm trying to keep my distance there, and let her move on with her life, since it seems like that is what she's really desiring at this time.

Then there's my kids. I get them, but only for a set period of time, and then they go back to my ex, and I get to return to a cold and empty house. I could try to say that I'm starting to get used to living on my own again, but that would just be another lie.

I hate living on my own. I'm alone. I'm bored. I'm frustrated that there's nothing I can do to fix this feeling. Why? Becuase I'm staying true to my wife until such time as she either cuts me loose, or asks me back. I've sworn to be faithful, so faithful I'll be until she cuts me off from those vows. Who knows? Maybe by then I could care less, and still remain faithful.

The worst part is just sitting, and letting the mind run amok. Feelings, thoughts, memories all flood in and overwhelm me. In order to escape it, I run away to a pretend land of monsters and such.. I play games, and escape reality until something else comes along to divert my mind and attention.

It's not a good coping mechanism, but it's working for me, so I'm going to keep with it.

Hope you all have a great 4th. Celebrate, enjoy, and live vicariously.

Friday, July 2, 2010


Believe it or not, I've come to appreciate the comments that Doggybloggy and Snugs gave me these last few posts.

Yeah, I'm an opinionated asshole who thinks that the cup is half-empty. I also believe that if given the right set of circumstances, people will give good advice without really realizing it.

In this, I've come to understand that it's not just what I do that is going to make a difference here. It's also what I _don't_ do that is going to mean something.

So, I'm not going to press. I'm not going to pry. I'm going to give space. I'm going to plod on about my daily business, go to work, come home, take care of kids, and live. If she ever decides to turn back to me, THEN I'll think about doing something. However, until that time comes, I need to focus on myself and my kids.

After all, when it's all said and done this isn't about me as it is about my kids. I need to provide for them. I need to gain some self-esteem back. I need to grow a pair. I need to become the man that I want to be, and I need to do this all on my own.

So, I'm growing up. I'm learning to take more responsibility for my actions. I'm trying to teach my kids the value of doing things for yourself.

My hope?

I don't know, to be honest. I just hope that I'll learn the lessons that I need. I hope that I'll be able to teach my kids the same. I hope that I don't fail.

I hope they'll look back at this, and be proud of me.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I need to work.

Apparently, I need to work more. I've got a job I'm starting on Monday, and I moonlight when I can as a DJ. However, that's not helping meet the bills, so I'm going to start looking for yet another job to suppliment all of this. Maybe if I'm working enough, I can afford a house for me and the kids, even though I won't be around to take care of them! Who knows?

All I know right now is that it's not enough. I feel like shit for not being able to bring my kids with me. I'm depressed because I can't seem to make my wife understand where I'm coming from, and I don't really think she cares much anyway. I'm frustrated that I'm stuck in a home with two other guys who don't care or want to listen to my problems. I'm pissed off that I really have no one to turn to about my problems aside from this stupid fucking blog. I'm annoyed that as I write this, I'm sure that Doggybloggy and Snugs are going to think up some nasty shit to say about me, and they're more than likely going to hit close enough to home to actually hurt.

All in all, I'm feeling a failure, living a lie, and unsure of where to go.

Yay for summertime.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Compare and Contrast

You know, for the past few weeks I've done nothing but bitch and complain. Today, while driving around getting errands done, I had an epiphany.

See, I've had issues that have affected our relationship. However, to be fair, I want some kind of comparison to see how things stack up.

Know what? I think I've found it.

See, with me her major problem is my lying. I've been working on it. I'm MUCH better now than I used to be. I've still got a LONG way to go.

Now I've got a comparison for her: Her weight. It's been an issue for her since the beginning of our relationship. It's bothered her time and again. Hell, she's actually gotten heavier since I've met her than when we got together.

She tells me that I'm not making progress fast enough for her, and she's frustrated with my apparent lack of progress.

Turn the mirror around, please. She's been on one diet or another since we've been together. Yet she hasn't made ANY progress, in fact, she's WORSE now than when we met.

Now, she holds against me my past transgressions. She refuses to forgive, and when I fail all of my previous mistakes are brought back out and thrown back in my face. She can't let go of the past, and sees each step I take on my attempt to control my lying with a pessimistic attitude. I don't see any kind of support, only a "we'll see how this one does" kind of attitude.

Look at her: She's now at a weight loss camp to try to improve her coping skills. She's upset with my apparent lack of support. Yet I've seen time and again how she'll start a diet and lose some weight. Then she'll celebrate, take a week off, and go back to the diet only to find that she isn't losing weight fast enough, and abandon the diet. Rinse and repeat. I can't count the number of times I've seen it. Tell me.. Why should I believe that this one is going to be any different aside from the amount of cash that was spent to send her off for a month-long getaway? Is this any different than her "wait and see" attitude on my issues?

No. It's not.

By her standards, I should be leaving her because her weight issue hasn't made enough progress, and looks to stay a problem. Just like she's passing judgement on my lying.

However, with all that has happened, I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I'm willing to look past it all. I'm honestly hoping that this one will be the key, and she'll make the progress she needs. However, even if it doesn't, I'm still there to love this person FOR WHO THEY ARE.

Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I'm a complete fool who needs to get a serious dose of reality, and come down from cloud 9. Maybe I'll wake up and smell reality sometime soon.. Who knows?

I just wish that somehow I could get through to this person just how much I honestly care, and can't understand why they can't do the same..

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


You know, when I get irritated, I can't sit still. I have to get up, and move my ass, and DO something.

Today, I'm irritated. I've gone out and mowed the lawn. I did dishes. As soon as my roommate gets his stuff out of the washer and dryer, I'm going to do my laundry. Right now? I'm going to bitch and complain and give my opinion on things.

First off: Relationships.

How is it that two people can come together, decide that they're right for each other, and then have one of those folks try to change the other person for the rest of the time that they're together?

Here's my ideal relationship: Two people meet. They fall in love with each other, flaws and all. They work with each other to compliment and support one another regardless of what comes along. They struggle and cry through the bad times, and they enjoy and celebrate the good times. They share it all, do it all, and plan it all TOGETHER.

More often than not, however, I see it another way. I see it as two folks meeting, loving each other for some reason, and deciding to make a "go" of it. Then these two spend a few years hounding each other about what they need to change, who's responsible for what, and blaming each other for the lack found in the relationship. Then, it flames out, and the two go their separate ways, usually harboring some kind of resentment or hurt over the other person.

WHY? Why do we inisit on trying this? Why can't grown people come to some sort of compromise, and make things work? What gives one person the right to decide what's going to be the norm or example of how a relationship should work, and then force the other person to conform or get out?


To be honest, I don't know.

I'd love to have a relationship where we both were able to give, to work through things, and to struggle TOGETHER to achieve common goals. I'd love to say that even when things are difficult, and times are trying, that my significant other is there supporting and comforting me. I'd love to say that I've got the answers.

The fact is that I don't. I don't have ANY kind of answer. I've got dreams, and I've got hopes, but aside from those, I have NOTHING.

At one time, I'd have told you that I had everything I needed. A happy home. A loving wife. A stable job. Now? I've got a job I haven't started yet. I've got a place to stay, but no home. I don't have a wife, and I've given my kids to my ex, so I've basically lost my family.

My hope is that somehow things will turn out for the better. I don't know what path that will take. I don't know if I'll be able to turn around and find out this was all just a nasty dream, and things have taken a better turn. I don't know if I'll be forced to look elsewhere for that person. Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to even try to find someone. Maybe I'm better off being alone, and trying to make things work on my own. Maybe my problem is that I'm hoping for someone else, when all I really should be doing is taking care of things myself, and let everyone else burn. Who knows?

As of now, I'm resigned. I'm irritated, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted, and I'm out of patience.

We'll see what happens, because you know at some point I'll be back to write or complain some more!

Until then..

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

No words, just feelings

I'm at a loss.

There's really no other way to describe it. In one short simple phrase, it's gone. My wife, my family, my livelihood.. GONE.

As of yesterday, hope has taken a leave of absence. It's pretty much final. My marriage is over.

How do I feel?

Bewildered. Stunned. Lost.

Yet, I'm angry. Pissed. Upset with myself, and with my wife-soon-to-be-second-ex. I feel terrible for my kids. I feel hounded by my bad decisions and confused by some of her reactions to things that really had no effect on her or our relationship, yet she chose to make them so.

I'm offended.

The last time I talked with her, she told me that one of her major decisions in calling it quits was because of my failure to fight harder to keep my kids.

That comment really kind of pushed me over the edge.

Want to know why?

I can barely afford to keep myself in a small room at a friend's house and pay for my car and cell phone. I can't really pitch much in in the way of groceries, let alone sundries like laundry detergent or toothpaste.

Now, on that limited budget try to figure out how you're going to get medical coverage for three kids, plus feed them, clothe them, pay for their meals while at school or daycare. Hell, try to figure out how to pay for daycare!

I'm not perfect, but I do want what's best for my kids. I can't provide for them on my own, but my ex, she's married and has a stable income and a house to live in. That's WAY more than I can provide right now.

Did I want to let her have them? HELL NO.

However, the choice had been made for me long before I had to start looking. Was I supposed to sit around and daydream about "what if's" and "maybes"? Not where they're concerned. If it was just for myself, I probably would have. I can't afford that kind of time where they're concerned.

To be honest, right now I'm of a mindset that if this marriage ends, she can take from it what she brought into it. That means that my kids aren't going to be seeing her, if I have any kind of say in the matter.

But there's another side of me that knows how much of a caring person she is, and how good of a mother she was to my kids. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile that person with the person I'm seeing right now. I'm trying, but it's DAMN HARD.

So for now, I guess it's just going to be me trying to pick up the pieces I have left, and move on.


Saturday, June 19, 2010

Yet another annoying rant coming on....


First off, I get that folks would be upset at me for thinking that weight loss is a simple matter. Heck, I'm overweight, why can't I get it done?

However, to back up my argument, here's how I see it:

First off, there's moderation, like I posted earlier. Take everything in moderated amounts. THAT INCLUDES EXERCISE, NOT JUST FOOD.

Secondly, you have to stick with this. You have to want to make it work, and you have to be dedicated enough to go through with it RAIN OR SHINE. Just because it's a nasty day out doesn't mean that you get a free pass. It means that you get creative, and find some other way of getting your exercise in without walking that mile uphill, or whatever.

Personally, I'm overweight because I really don't care. Plain and simple. I'm comfortable with myself. Yeah, it'd be nice to have the fit and toned body that I had when I came out of the service, but that was 20 years ago, and I'm not going to put myself through the rigors I went through to get there again.

Plus, I love food. I like the taste, I love the textures, I love the smells, and I love to eat. I enjoy cooking it, eating it, preparing it.. The whole nine yards.

I actually DO exercise. I don't exercise nearly enough for the amount of crap I put into myself, but I do get out and get active. I play volleyball three times a week for about 2-2 1/2 hours each time. It's fun, it's active, and it gets the sweat flowing and the muscles moving.

If I could restrain myself from taking in so much crap, I'm sure that I'd drop weight, and get down in pounds and sizes. However, because of my care-free attitude, I don't. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for how I am, and where I'm at. I don't eat because I'm stressed, I don't eat because I'm angry, I don't eat to take out aggression or passion about something. I eat because I love to eat, 'nuff said.

Now, I know that there are healthier ways to prepare foods. I also know that there are better items out there to eat besides red meat and beer. That being said, I also know that if I decide to fix steak and potatoes, I don't eat an entire pound of steak and six helpings of potatoes, and instead opt for a reasonable cut, and one medium baked potato will suffice. I mean, c'mon! This seriously ISN'T rocket science!

I've taken nutrition courses. I've cooked the "regular" and "weight-saving" ways. To be honest, aside from the meat substitutions, it's really not much different! The calories are still there, the carbs actually get higher with some more "health conscious" foods if you're not careful, and sodium increases with some of the preparations you make in the "healthier" meals.

Basically, if you pay attention, READ what you're putting into stuff, moderate what you eat, and balance that with exercise, you're going to lose weight, and slim down. I know that saying this seems simple, and to be honest I really think it is. You just have to make it a priority, and stick with it. Habits are formed easily. If you can stick with a habit of buying and preparing healthy food, plus exercising daily.. You'll lose the weight.

I don't see what all the hype is, really. Get a gym membership. Buy some cookbooks, and instead of going with red meats, substitute chicken or turkey. Eat more fish. Make meals smaller, and have a couple more during the day. Instead of three square meals, have five. Breakfast, after breakfast, lunch, midday, and dinner. Or, if you want, snack ALL DAY, but don't actually sit down for a serious meal. Whatever you decide, you need to stick with. BUT ADD THE EXERCISE. You could seriously eat like a mouse, and hardly take in anything during the day. But if you don't exercise, and sit on your butt, you're still going to mushroom. Take in food, burn it off by swimming, or running, or playing basketball, or some such thing. JUST BE CONSISTENT. If it rains, go run on the treadmill instead of outside. Just make sure that you're dedicated to not only feeding yourself, but exercising as well.

I'm done ranting. I know that this will probably offend all of you, since each and every time I've said something along these lines, it pisses folks off.. So be it. If you don't like what I say, you honestly don't have to come back here and read it!

Thursday, June 17, 2010


I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm pissed..

Well, since I'm writing, that's usually a given, isn't it?

What makes behavior in one person acceptable to someone, while the same behavior from someone else is completely intolerable?

Is there some kind of magic switch that makes us view things from specific people radically different from others?

Take this for example:

I've got two dogs. However, since moving out, the dogs have stayed at the house with the sister-in-law who has been living with us for the past TWO years. I took said dogs to the groomers, and brought them back. Upon dropping by the house today to check for any mail, I found the dogs still outside, no water, dirty, unkept, and I'm not really sure if they were fed, either.

I proceeded to complain about this to my wife. I also stated that if taking care of the dogs was too much for the sister-in-law, I'd be willing to dog-sit them until wife got home, and bring them back up to the house.

In response, I got a snooty reply, letting me know that _I_ wasn't such a good person to take care of the dogs, either, and to stop writing negative emails to her, as she's enjoying her time there, and doesn't want to spoil anything.

So, it's ok for Sis to mistreat the dogs, because obviously I did it too, right? Um, excuse me? I got kicked out of the house! Shouldn't the same kind of treatment be levied against good 'ol sister too? If not that, maybe some kind of nice, long silent treatment, with a good long bitch session two or three days later?

If this were my brother, I can guarantee you that she'd be up in arms over the way he'd been treating the dogs, and he'd be a bastard for life. However, it's her sister, her family, and nothing and nobody is going to be able to show her that things aren't going well there.

Honestly, I don't want to bitch and complain to her about things here. I would LOVE for things here to be nice, and peaceful, and happy-go-lucky.

However, reality dictates that I be sincere. I get in too much trouble when I start making things up, and honesty is the best policy, correct? Here's a reality check for you: Just because you're having a nice time AT A RESORT doesn't mean that REAL LIFE IS GOING TO STOP FOR YOU. Sure, you might have put it on "hold" for a bit, but the fact of the matter is that you're going to have to face the things you've put aside, and deal with them eventually whether you want to or not.

I've offered to help. I've tried to be supportive. Hell, I've bent over backwards to do what she's asked, even when I don't agree with it.

I just can't anymore.


You're at a camp to learn how to lose weight, and keep with a program. However, I don't think it teaches you how to say "no" to your desires of grabbing an easy fast-food lunch when you're out with clients. I also don't think they teach you the willpower to say "no" to friends when they keep pestering you to go eat appetizers at your favorite restaurants. They give you skills you need in order to fix your meals, and exercise. They don't teach you self-restraint and common sense. Those are assumed to have been learned. However, if you've gotten into the habit of putting something aside "just this once" a few times too often, you get into a vicious circle of starting off strong, and fading quickly thereafter.

Sad, but that's what I see happening here. It's the same with any diet program that I've seen taken in action. Binge, purge, workouts, exercise, nutrition, Atkins, whatever you want. You start it, stay focused for a while, make headway, and celebrate by letting go for a bit. Then you buckle down to start in again, but not as strict as the last time. Not as much of a result, disillusionment sets in, and it starts sliding backwards from there.

Wow. At first this was a rant against Sister In Law and my wife's protection of her, and it's turned into a flame against my wife's drive for yet another diet and exercise program.

It's late. I should get to bed.

Think about this for a second:

Moderation has always been the key for stable weight loss and dieting. If you consistently exercise, and moderate how much you eat, you'll lose weight, or maintain the weight that you want to be at. Granted, it's not going to be some HUGE weight loss that you'll document for a couple of weeks. It's going to be gradual, and it's going to take time and effort. (GASP!) Yes.. TIME and EFFORT. You have to work at it (consiously!) in order to make it effective and work.

Anyway, that's my bitch. Read or ignore at your leisure.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Time to pick the collective brain...

Do you ever really think that something could be beyond repair?

I mean, if you were committed to working and compromising for whatever it took, could something REALLY be beyond repair?

I ask, because I know that I would give anything, everything, and maybe even more to put my marriage back.

I'm not sure if my wife knows this. I mean, she gives me the lip service telling me that she does, yet her actions don't really seem to suit the words and phrases that she gives me, you know?

Anyway, I'm now moved in to my "new" place. I'm not settled, but I have moved. I still check on the house, make sure everything's taken care of while she's gone. To be honest, I don't know what else to do, really.

I'm asking her if she's wanting me to pick her up from the airport when she gets back, or if she doesn't want to see me and has other plans made....

We'll find out, won't we?

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Well, I swore to myself that I was going to leave blogging alone, and not come back. However, since I've basically lied to everyone else, why not myself as well?

This weekend, I get to move what little I have of my own to a new place. Yes, the wife has asked me to move out, and see if we can't start over. However, knowing her mindset, this is basically goodbye, don't bother calling us, we'll call you.

Not only that, but with my limited income, I've had to send my kids back to live with my ex. I _really_ can't stand that part, but there's really nothing else I can do here. I can't ask my wife to watch my own kids while I'm living someplace else, now can I? Not only that, but she and my oldest don't get along at all, and I can guarantee you that she wouldn't deal with that one. Sure, she might be willing for the younger two, but considering that I've got THREE kids, not just two, that deal isn't going to work for me. If I could afford it, I'd keep them with me, but in order to have a house where we could LIVE, I'd need to make twice as much as I do, and prove that I can bring in THREE TIMES that monthly. I hate to admit it, but there really are times where I wish I'd been more attentive in school, and finished it.

I'm floundering. I'm lost. I've heard a song recently that seems to speak directly to me as if I thought it all up, and someone else wrote it all down, and put it to music. The song is by the group The Script, and it's called "Break Even".

Here's a little taste of the song:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin'
Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I've got time while she's got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks well it don't break even

I can relate wholeheartedly to this one set of lines. Yeah, I'm here. I'm functioning. I'm still plodding on day by day. However, I don't have any joy in it anymore. I could really care less how each day turns out, because the next one will be quite similar. Same shit, different day.

I pray for some kind of change. Some kind of sign, some kind of hope. However, I don't believe it will, I don't believe that it can, and I really hold no hope because if there were a God out there, HOW COULD HE LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME TWICE?? No, not once.. TWICE. I've put my heart and soul into changing and becoming a better husband and father. I'm miles away from where I was just 10 short years ago. I know I've still got miles to go. Yet with all of that, I don't care. Why? Because I've lost my family. My kids are at my ex's house. My wife's left me. My real reason for change isn't there anymore. My hope, my will, my desire is GONE.

My wife's at a resort right now trying to change her life. She's working to become more comfortable in her own skin. She's trying to learn how to develop the skills and techniques she needs to operate in this crazy world without losing her sense of self. I'm all for it. She needs that confidence and those skills. Hell, I basically forced her to go when she started talking about putting her trip off for a later date.

Yet, as she stays there, alone, without me, without the stresses of life and family, she gets further and further away, and it becomes much easier to just let us go. Distance does that to us all. Out of sight, out of mind, out of life. She's got the freedom, I've got nothing but time to think about how screwed up I've made this entire thing. I've got nothing but time to think about all of my flaws, my failures, my setbacks, my losses. When your marriage is ending it's really difficult to see any kind of success, you know?

I have a new job. The hours suck. The days suck. It's a nice job, if I can just get over the days and hours that I work. I'm sure I'll be able to at some point, but for now it just sucks balls. Yeah, there's some nice benefits and perks, but all in all, it's a shit job, and we all know it. I've got to make the income somehow, though. Because of this, I'll deal, and hope for something better.

I don't know if I'll write anymore, but this was just me trying to vent, and get things off my chest before I self imploded. I hope and pray that any of my readers don't fall into this problem I have, and that you live life to the fullest, cherishing and enjoying each moment like it was your last.. Because from my viewpoint, it very well could be. Take care, take heart, and be good to each other.


Friday, January 22, 2010

My Most Sincere and Deepest Apologies..

As some of you (those choice few who have been reading this blog for a while) know, I've been having on-again off-again problems with my marriage.

I know for a fact that 90% of it has to do with me, and my behavior.


Because, for all of my age, I'm just an older version of a child, really.

Sad, but true.

I enjoy video games. I escape to them quite frequently, and get completely absorbed into the nothingness that comes from diving into a fantasy, and not coming back to the real world for a while.

I'm a liar. Not a good one, but I _am_ a liar.


I don't know. Sometimes it's because of fear. Other times, it's because I don't like how it's going to make me look if I answer honestly. Sometimes I just say something because I don't want to listen to the conversation and the track it's taking. It's never the same reason, but it's the same result. I've been trying to kick this habit for YEARS, and each time I think I've got it under control, it comes back even worse than before.

I'm not the best father.

I've known this for years as well. If it weren't for my wife, I probably would still be living out of some dump, barely scraping by, and visiting the kids about once a month (if that) when I felt the need. I'd never have been as involved in their care, never noticed the abuses they'd been subjected to, and never have gained custody of these grand babies if it hadn't been for her.

Now? Even though I've got them, I still don't interact with them near as much as I should. Most times I'm camped out in front of a TV set watching a show, or playing a video game, or reading a book, and don't pay attention to their questions, or their pictures they've made, or any of a number of things that I should really enjoy and cherish.

I'm missing my kids growing up, and to be honest, I don't know how I feel about it.

I know I should be upset. I know that I should be kicking myself in the butt, and doing something to rectify the problem. But there's also a part of me that keeps asking "what problem?"

You see, I keep thinking back to my own childhood, and I see myself doing and acting the same way my dad did. He'd join me every once in a while to play, but more often than not, he was in the bathroom with a book, crashed out in front of the TV while his shows were on, or buried in the back office pouring over bills and the home finances.

I've substituted video games for the bills, since I'm not worth crap at budgets. However, the behaviors are all mine.

I keep rationalizing with myself that my kids are still being raised better, because they don't live in fear of being beaten when I get home. That's something I lived with from my mom, and there are still days that a certain tone in her voice will give me cold chills. My kids don't have to deal with that. In fact, they get upset if I have to raise my voice, so I usually don't have to resort to any kind of physical punishment at all.

Then there's the part of me that is an inconsiderate ass to my wife.

Apparently, I don't know how to be a good husband, either.

Yeah, I've seen all the "trophy" husbands who do it all, know it all, and can still work 14-ish hours a day. I'm not one of them.

I know some things. Others, I can fake. Most, I just shrug and think that we should get someone who knows what they're doing, and pay them for it.

I'm not like my Father-in-law. I don't go and LOOK for things to do. if someone comes to me and lets me know that something's wrong, I'll take the time to go see what I can do about it. If I can't do it, or don't know what the problem is, I'll find someone else who can.

I'm not someone who runs a tight ship. I don't double-bag my garbage so that my garbage can doesn't stink. I don't take extra-special care of my yard tools to make sure they don't rust more than they should. I don't have special tools for various projects.

However, I am better than my father at being around the house.

I'm not better than my mom at doing things around the house.

Yes, there's housework to be done. There's yardwork that needs to be taken care of. There's various other things that need attention. I can do them, but how often? At what times?

Apparently, when I decide to do something about things, it's "too little, too late" or something along those lines.

Hell, according to my Mother-in-law, I should magically KNOW what I'm supposed to do, and just do it.

I didn't know that by growing older, you'd gain the knowledge of how to do things, the timing of needing to get things done, and just be able to go out and do them.

So I'm useless, inconsiderate, and a basic jerk.

Not only that, but I'm a lecher.


I like girls. I flirt. I tease.

However, I'm a coward.

I can talk and tease and flirt, but if it came down to it, I don't think I could ever "finish the deal".

Sure, I enjoy the attention. After all, if I didn't, would I have really started writing this blog?

However, this has gotten me in trouble as well. Because I'm not willing to change my behavior, it's hurting my wife, and pushing her further away from me. I tried to hide it, but like any idiot, I've left things out there that have given her probable cause to distrust me yet again.

I can say until I'm blue in the face that I would never do things to dishonor her, but given my penchant for lying, and my love of attention, girls, and flirting, how can she really trust or believe what I say?

My only hope here is that I haven't gone too far. That there's some way, some action I can take that will repair all of the damage I've done.

I want to grow up.

I want to be a man.

I want to be a father. Hell, I've love to be a daddy.

I want to be a husband.

For now, I'd take being wanted.

We'll see what happens.

I'm going for counselling, and I hope I can break the habits.

Until then, I'm going to have to stop blogging, and in doing so, I hope to remove some of the temptation I have for exaggeration, flirting, and what not.

I apologize to you, my reader(s) if this upsets you, but I need to get my life straight.

I hope you can understand, and I wish you all the best.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Your Career: The Roadmap to LOSERVILLE

So you've made the biggest mistake a studeny can make.
You've left the comfort of the college campus to make something of yourself in the real world. For reasons only you can explain you have given up binge drinking, casual interdormitory romantic contact, and the credit card your mom and dad secured for you (with a deposit of a thousand dollare and to use "only in an emergency," which you interpreted as "only when you are out of money for pizza") to go off and make your mark.
Well, here is my advice....
Good heavens! Go back! Don't ever, ever, ever leave the cushy life of the undergraduate world. The real world is a hellhole! There are bills to pay! These bills must be paid (with the exception of a few aboriginal cultures) with money! You, graduate, must somehow earn that money! For the love of all that is holy, stay in school forever!
You didn't take that last paragraph seriously, did you? Sigh... Don't say we didn't warn you.
You have to go get a job, my friend! Allow us to offer you some words of advice.
First of all, you'll want to find a job in your chosen field. That could be one of a million possible fields of stufy offered by today's modern colleges, so let's look at just a few of these myriad pathways of matriculation. This is an unscientific survey of college majors, based on the geeks and pinheads with whom we associate.


Congratulations! You chose a field in which people actually find work!
Chances are you don't need my advice in finding a job. Therefore let me give you one small piece of post-employment advice: Never, ever, speak about your accounting job to anyone with whom you desire physical contact.
Just trust me on this one.
The advice for accounting goes for anything you may have majored in that required you to enter any building on campus where a business couse was offered.
So let us move on to the bachelor's degrees that guarantee a fruitless employment search.
Let's talk about what I majored in....


Every college has a theatre department. No one knows why, really. It just seems that when the plans are drawn up for a college campus the architects and planners slip a performing arts building into the blueprints, and mysteriously, no one complains.
Well, now you've gone and done it! You went and studied acting in college. Shame on you! What did you parents ever do to you to deserve this?
For the newly graduated actor or actress here is some brief employment advice.
Simply stated, the hardest part of being an actor is learning the daily specials. It is also good to remember that you always serve from the left, and that the coffee cup should never be less than 50 precent full if you want a good tip.
"But I'm a trained actor!" you may whine.
Yup. You are. And that's why you're working at a restaurant. I mean, think about it... They made you learn lines in the theatre department. Why? So you'd have no problem remembering the daily specials after graduation.
Oh, by the way, Theatre Major, you're in trouble when it comes to figuring out how to add up the checks - they didn't teach you any of that in voice and movement class.
I guess maybe you should have majored in accounting if you wanted to work as a waiter.
Let's move on.
Maybe you attended college on an athletic scholarship, which most likely means this book is being read aloud to you by someone else.
If you're a jock, then you majored in.....


Don't tell me, Scholar Athlete; here's what made you pick this prestigious course of study:
In between reps on one of the shiny machines in the gym, this thought entered your mind: "Maybe I should have a backup plan."
It occurred to you that if somehow you didn't vault from collegiate sports stardom directly into the NBA, WNBA, WNFL, WWF, WWWWF, NHL, WNHL, or the CIA, you would need something to fall back on.
You figured you could always work as a gym teacher.
Well, take a lap. You were wrong.
Sure, there are about twenty-seven million grade schools, high schools, middle schools, and culinary schools out there, and they certainly do have gym teachers at all of those schools. But think about it. Remember the person who taught gym at your high school? What did he weigh, about 371 pounds? How old was he? About ninety-six?
Of course he was. That is because gym teachers never die.
Why? Because they never exercise; they just watch other people exercise.
That explains the fat pretty well when you think about it. Gym teachers never die, and they are always balloons. It's a fact.
For instance.... The man who taught me how to do jumping jacks in my youth also taught Teddy Roosevelt how to do them. My gym teacher (like the gym teacher of every person reading this) is alive and well and taunting some terrified skinny kid.
Currently, that terrified kid is stuck halfway up a rope.
So Phys Ed Major, where do you go from here, you might ask?
It comes down to one of two quite noble professions really: furniture delivery or bouncer at a sports bar.
Yep. You'd better be ready to either wrestle drunken phys ed majors out of a tavern or heave a refrigerator up three flights of stairs. That's your REAL backup plan, Muscle Boy.


Founding Fathers intended when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, or the Constitution, or the Magna Carta, or whatever scraggy brown paper (where the letter "S" really looks a lot like the letter "F") we are basing our government upon these days.
Anyway, whatever "political science" is, you went ahead and studied it. Now you want a job in politics, I suppose. Even though I'm not inclined to help anyone head off into that direction, I believe I can in fact help.
Want to be in politics? That's easy! Walk out into the street, ask the first person you see what they want, then promise to give it to them.
Congratulation. You are now in politics.
Don't worry about actually following through on what you told the stranger you would get her or him. That's not the point of politics. The point is to get elected by any means necessary. So tell people exactly what they want to hear, no matter how stupid it is.
Here are a few easy things to say to the boneheads who live in this country that are guaranteed to get them to punch the card (hopefully all the way through...) next to your name. All of these suggestions, are more or less, actual political ideas recently used by successful politicians. So, look directly into people's eyes and:
Tell then you will cut taxes but spend more.
Tell them you will spend less and get even more.
Tell them you will put a chicken in every pot.
Tell then you'll stash some pot in every chicken.
Tell them you intend to build a bridge into the Twenty-First Century.
Tell them there will be no toll on that bridge.
Tell them you'll give them 1,000 Points of Light, or better yet....
Tell then you'll pour them 1,000 Pints of Bud Light.
Tell them you will speak softly and carry a big stick, then...
Show them your big stick.
Tell them you'll invade some country where the army rides around on llamas.
People here love stuff like that.
Finally, just one word of warning: Don't have sex in your office.
Apparently, people here don't like stuff like that.


Personally, I find it hard to believe that anyone capable of understanding the nuances and intense calculus that are the bread and butter precepts of nuclear science will be reading this. But if you did, let me just say....
Good for you, Poindexter!
You will never lack for employment. The world needs nuclear physicists for the simple reason that the entire economy of the planet is based on the military-industrial complex. Stated simply, that means we need plenty of nuclear weapons all over the globe, and we need those weapons to be pointed at each other all of the time.
Otherwise, well... a lot of guys with really cool uniforms will be out of work.
And the people who write and report what those bomb-wielding guys in cool uniforms are doing will be out of work. And the people who construct the bombs that the bomb-wielding guys in cool uniforms point at each other will be out of work. And the people who wash up, store, and shine the bombs for the bomb-wielding guys in cool uniforms will be out of work.
In short, we will all be out of work if we ever get rid of all the nuclear bombs.
And if you as a socially consious nuclear physicist cannot morally or ethically work for the military-industrial complex, don't worry. There is still plenty of work for you!
In the safe, sane, and well-regulated world of nuclear power.
There really is only one other course of study that bears mentioning in this when it comes to entry-level employment tip, and that is:


Chances are, if you majored in computer science, you didn't pay to read this. Oh, you're reading this all right; you just didn't PAY for it.
You downloaded it off of the Internet - for free. You didn't pay a cent for this. But you are reading it nonetheless.
And now you want my advice.
Well, take a hike, Nerd. I don't give out advice for free.


How many times have you heard someone you admired referred to as a "Renaissance Man?" What does this really mean? Well, first and foremost, you should remember that the Renaissance occurred back in the years between 1350 and 1700, so apparently being a Renaissance Man involves having no electricity.
Here's a quick guide to being the next Leonardo da Vinci.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Throw your raw sewage out of the second-floor window.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Walk the streets of your town in tights and a codpiece.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Clean your teeth with a pointed stick.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Accuse your neighbors of witchcraft.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Annoy your parents by pursuing a career as a lute player.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Set off to discover the New World in a leaky wooden ship.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Conduct all correspondence via carrier pigeon.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Deny the existence of your electric bill.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Rob a grave and dissect the body.