Sunday, August 1, 2010

Resignation and Frustration

You know what really sucks?

When you're faced with an inevitable challenge, and you know that you're not going to measure up to be able to meet the goal, regardless of your mindset, or any factors that are in your control.

This is one such time.

I love a person who obviously doesn't love me back.

How do I know this?

Because if they did love me as much as I loved them, then the requests for not talking to them, and the need to run away and hide wouldn't bother me half as much as they do.

However, they are made with regard to their own self-interest, and not with my heart and feelings taken into consideration at any point.

Case in point: Her asking me not to write her emails that talk about things I've found out about myself because they make her feel guilty.

Nothing in that statement has any regard for the insight that I've had, or the pain and self-flagellation I've done to come to these cold hard truths that I've found out about my flawed self.

No, it's because it bothers her that she should feel guilty when she's perfectly happy without me, and is more concerned with burying the past, and heading into whatever future she can forge for herself.

She tells me that she doesn't want to put me through any more pain. However, it's there, and it's not going to go away.

How do I know this?

Becuase there's NO WAY that I'm going to be getting back even a THIRD of what I've lost. I've lost my wife. I highly doubt that she's coming back, especially after she leaves for parts unknown. I honestly think that she'll come to be at some point before then with papers to sign. (In person of course, because she's not going to surprise me with some anonymous letters via officer to sign.)

Then there's the case of my kids. They no longer live with me. I had them, I enjoyed living with them, seeing their faces, hugging them, playing with them, wrestling with them, and just basking in the family glow. I get that now, but only in bits and pieces. If my wife and I were to somehow miraculously patch things together, my kids still wouldn't be there. Even if she and I were to have kids of our own, my three would still be MIA, and there'd be a hole where they once filled.

I know that I should be a pessimist, and figure that everything's going to eventually unravel fairly quickly, and then I'll be "cut loose" from the pain... Yet all that does is enrich the pain I'm feeling.

She tells me that this isn't easy for her. To be honest, I believe her. Yet it's not because it causes her pain to make the decisions. It's not because her love is taking cuts. It's because she doesn't like seeing people in pain.

Read that.. I said PEOPLE. Like I'm just any other passerby on the street. Not someone she shared a life with, or built a home with for an extended period of time.

Now? I'm just some schmuck who can't get it through his head that she's better off without me, and that no matter what I do, or what I accomplish, it's over and done.

The most amazing part is that it was a lose-lose from the beginning. Try to hold on, and she pushed away. Give her the space she asked for, she took more and ran with it. There's no looking back for her. No regrets, no real goodbye, just a "later" kind of wave, and a slammed door in my face. (provebially, of course.. not literally)

There's a part of me that hopes she takes this "newfound" freedom and chokes on it. The anger is really close to the surface most days now, and I find it kind of hard not to lash out at folks for things that really aren't their fault.

There's that part of me that gets a bit psycho. Stalker-like. See what she's up to, drive past her work or house, that kind of thing. I don't do it, but the thoughts and feelings are there regardless.

There's the part of me that doesn't care anymore. The part that wants to curl up in a ball on the bed, and just wait for things to all go away.

There's a part of me that wants to drink and get that numb feeling to make everything managable.

However, I don't give into any of this.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because underneath it all, I'm stubborn enough to just keep on, and let things go. Yeah, it hurts, and the pain is sometimes stronger than I can handle alone. Yet I've got some good friends who are willing to help me get a handle on what bothers me, and not ask questions. They let me handle things my own way, and then make sure that my decisions don't make me regret anything the next day. That, more than anything else, is my saving grace right now.

I know that she's going to read this, and I'm sure that she'll have to explain or defend her choices. However, this IS my perception of what I'm seeing and feeling, nothing more, nothing less.

So, explain all you like.. I'll still probably see some kind of "and this is why I'm never going to come back to you" in the words you write to me here.


Dana said...

I'd say you are clearly going through the grief process.

gottaluvme3 said...

I am glad I read this all the way through, because I was ready to say, How dare you assume what I am feeling or thinking because you have no idea. But since you added at the end, "this IS my perception of what I'm seeing and feeling, nothing more, nothing less," then I understand better why you say the things you say and feel the way you feel.