Apparently, I need to work more. I've got a job I'm starting on Monday, and I moonlight when I can as a DJ. However, that's not helping meet the bills, so I'm going to start looking for yet another job to suppliment all of this. Maybe if I'm working enough, I can afford a house for me and the kids, even though I won't be around to take care of them! Who knows?
All I know right now is that it's not enough. I feel like shit for not being able to bring my kids with me. I'm depressed because I can't seem to make my wife understand where I'm coming from, and I don't really think she cares much anyway. I'm frustrated that I'm stuck in a home with two other guys who don't care or want to listen to my problems. I'm pissed off that I really have no one to turn to about my problems aside from this stupid fucking blog. I'm annoyed that as I write this, I'm sure that Doggybloggy and Snugs are going to think up some nasty shit to say about me, and they're more than likely going to hit close enough to home to actually hurt.
All in all, I'm feeling a failure, living a lie, and unsure of where to go.
Yay for summertime.
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- Jormengrund
- A remarried father of 3 who's trying hard to make everything work.
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9 comments:
You say you don't know where to go from here? From the sound of it (meaning your language and attitude) you need to go to God. I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying if you stop focusing so much on yourself and your problems and focus on God and His plan for you you will be a happier person and maybe your friends and your wife will want to be around you and listen to you. You really want your wife back?? Start reading your Bible and read a book by the name of "Love and Respect The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs" by Emerson Eggerichs.
i consider myself a christian woman and even I know that is a crock!!!! Belief is great, it helps the sould through the hard times, but even god can't help you when you need to put food in your mouth and keep a roof over your head. I think the way you need to go is to learn to forgive yourself!!! you can't forgive others (ie, your wife or anyone else) until you actually realise you are a human being who makes mistakes and has to live with the consequences...BUT you don't have to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about it! Trust me, there are plenty of people out there who will take care of the beating up for you! Just look in the mirror in the morning and say..."i'm worthy of more".
Anon: Thanks for that, but just reading a book and hoping and praying for things to happen isn't really going to help me get things done, is it? Aside from that, marriage is a two-way street, and if my wife isn't willing to work on things, then it's pretty much a moot point, isn't it?
AA: Forgive myself? Probably. Problem is that right now I find that extremely difficult. Maybe after it's all said and done, I'll be able to find some way, but for now I'm just trying to make due in filling my time keeping myself busy in order to NOT think about what's happening. We'll see how it turns out!
When I first left husband, I expected to be gone 6 months. I figured we'd work on the marriage - address the issues that had made our living arrangements chaotic for everyone - and live happily ever after. At the 6 month mark I hit a wall - a wall that made me realize that this really was about me. I had to live the life that made ME happy and healthy, and if he was part of that then so be it.
At this point (7 months into the separation) I know that - best case - it will be at least another year before MY house is in order and I can even begin to think about putting OUR house in order.
It wasn't what I had planned, but it is my reality, and that time when my plan wasn't anywhere near reality was the most difficult for me.
Work on yourself. Let your wife work on herself. Decide what YOU think is best and have the guts to go for that.
One more thing ...
It dawned on me, as I was reading this post, that this "lying" thing comes up again and again.
Now I was kind of blowing it of as things like, "I'll mow the lawn today" and then it takes you two more days to actually mow the lawn, or "I'm not eating Peanut Buster Parfaits" then sneaking off to Dairy Queen, but then I had to wonder if these lies are bigger than that.
Are these lies things that impact the safety and security of your family? Like getting fired from a job for cause and making up some other excuse? Spending money on gambling that should be used for rent? Cheating on your wife?
I mean there are lies and then there are LIES, and I began to wonder just what it is you are talking about when you say "lies".
I will try to say this without being nasty. You post on an open blog therefore you open yourself up to it. If you only want kiss ass candy comments then go private and select who can comment. That being said, I don't know you, I don't know your wife or your situation particulars. I do know that you have had your own opinion in the past of me and others without knowing us too, and like your buddy Dana, you dish it out but do not take it very well when the tables turn.
I am a glass half full person, I always have faith and hope that things can and will get better. From the little I have learned about your wife, she seems to be a glass half full person too. From the little I know about you, you seem to be glass half empty doom and gloom oh poor me type. Maybe you could benefit from a change in attitude, be it in the form of faith or whatever helps you. Faith got me thru really tough times financially and emotionally. Someone always has it worse than you and it always helps me to get out of my pity party by helping someone else. No it is not going to pay the bills to volunteer at the local food kitchen for the homeless, but it will make you appreciate what you do have a lot more. And turning your problems over to God or whatever higher power you believe in and really letting go, you will be suprised at what doors open for you.
As far as your wife, you are constantly professing this love for her on your blog, but let me tell you something, If this is the way you love someone, it's pretty easy for an outsider to understand that she doesn't want to be loved that way. At some point you need to face the fact that you do not support your wife, you never have her back in the cat fights between her and Dana and just the little she has said about your lack of support on her weight battles tells me that you probably are not very supportive of her in any area. If she has reached the point where it is too late for her then let her go with a little dignity and respect rather than whining about it. Accept that the only thing you can control is your self and your behavior and your actions. The serenity prayer is a really good place to start, even if you fake it at first. In as un nasty of a way that I can say, you really sound like you are playing the poor victim, that obviously has not worked out too well for you so what do you have to lose by trying something different? It's really no wonder that your roomates do not want to hear your poor me rants is it? As for your kid, I don't know the situation, but I do know that their welling being should be top priority. They should be living where it is in their very best interest regardless of which parent that is with. If your current home is with 2 other men is that really the most nuturing enviroment for them? If you let them go because of that, I have complete respect for you there. It doesn't have to be permanent and let them know that and let them see you doing everything possible like getting another job so that you can be reunited some day if that truly is your goal. There is my 2 cents :)
Snugs: Hey, you can actually leave a comment and not be completely scathing and nasty! Thanks!
You're right, you don't know me or anyone related to this blog, and so I honestly take each and every comment with little to no impact. I do find it interesting to see who all has these great words of wisdom, and then find out that this so called "guru of relationships" is some 15 year-old kid who's never been in a relationship longer than a week!
For me, I'm lost as far as faith goes. I've said it before that something happened to me a few years back that has really disillusioned me with God, and church, and religion as a whole. I don't NOT believe, but I seriously think that I can personally find a better solution on my own than to talk about things with a pastor and then hear about my dirty laundry later in the church gossip.
Granted, this is coming from past experience, and I'm also basing this on the failings of people, and not God himself. I believe in God. I believe in heaven. I believe in Christ. I just don't believe in the human representation that it has as such.
Thanks for the comment.
Let me also say that I dont know you and I have only sporadically read your blog, but what I do know is we turned a corner a while back and I am still going that new way. Name calling weaklings like Dana who bully and troll but are the first to cry foul are not the kind of help you need. Bashing your wife is no solution either. You need good solid unbiased attention. I would like to know straight up what kind of lies - have you been unfaithful? Stealing? What is it? You alluded to some situation where you lied about a job...you get everything else out there - get this out there too, trust me when I tell you that the little pain you feel from telling the truth is far less than the pain and burden of having to lie. The truth will impact you positively where-as the lies affect everyone negatively.
I agree with you on the whole "church" thing but maybe there are some other kinds of support groups you can find - some people can do it alone some people need support - you give me the impression that you would like some support.
I have looked at your wife's blog and it looks like she is trying very hard to tackle her weight issues, she posts about it she has posted some pictures of herself, she has put it out there that she is overweight and wants to do something about it - it all seems very positive to me.
She also sounds like she hasnt given up on you completely but you need to meet her half way if not all the way - it doesnt sound to me like a compromise is going to work unless she is the one willing to give in - which I doubt. You will have to go above and beyond to get her attention - whatever lies you have told she is no longer willing to believe anything you say now.
I dont have much to go on so I dont have much to help with - put the lies out on the table and deal with the consequences.
I think you will have less time to worry once you get back to work.
For once, I agree with Dana. You need to work on yourself...just like I am working on myself. How can we help eachother, and be good role models for the kids when we aren't happy with ourselves?
I love the analogy they use here at Fitness Ridge. When you are in a plane, and they tell you in case of an emergency, to put the mask on yourself before you put it on your children, how many of us would sell HELL NO!! But you have to remember that you can't help them if you dont save yourself first. They aren't going to be able to help you if you pass out before you get the mask on yourself!
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