Thursday, July 15, 2010

State of Confusion

I don't understand people.

How can one person feel one way, and have someone else feel another about the same situation?

Take movies. A drama usually evokes serious reaction from people. Some folks hate drama. They can't stand the fact that the movie made a spotlight about a specific emotion or feeling. Others adore them. They love being taken on the rollercoaster rides of emotion, and come back for more religiously.

I don't see how I can be so torn about what's happening to our marriage, and yet see my wife being so happy.

Maybe for her, it's just the finishing touches to what has been a bad time in her life, and she's well rid of the stress and pain that I caused and brought into her life. Maybe without me there, she'll be able to see and do all of those things that she's so desperately wanted to do but couldn't because I was around.

For me, it's like watching your arm slowly wither away and die. There's nothing you can do to save it, it's excruciatingly painful, and you're going to miss it terribly.

I don't know.

I do know this... However much it hurts lets me know just how deeply I felt for what we had.

I just wish I could know if there was truly anything there from her end at all, or if it was all for my kids?

How can I say this?

Because she still wants to be a vital part of my kids' lives, just not mine. In this, I'm honestly insanely jealous. I wish she'd feel that way for me. I wish there was some way for those feelings she has for my kids would be directed my way. I wish, I wish, I wish....

And yet, even through it all, I'm blessed.

Because regardless of the outcome, I know that at the end of the day my kids will be well provided for if anything were to ever happen to me.

In the end, that's all that really matters.


Dana said...

Let me share with you the flip side of that coin ...

Your situation could be like mine - where your wife wants to see you but NOT your kids.

Just a little bit of perspective there ...

gottaluvme3 said...

Will you seriously stop bringing up the kids? The length of our relationship had nothing to do with me wanting the kids around. If anything, it was that I didn't want to hurt the kids. And to be honest, I have come to realize that I have to let the kids go as much as possible. I have no say in what they do in their life now and it will be easier if I am not around as much. I will see them as often as they want to see me....