I'm at a loss.
There's really no other way to describe it. In one short simple phrase, it's gone. My wife, my family, my livelihood.. GONE.
As of yesterday, hope has taken a leave of absence. It's pretty much final. My marriage is over.
How do I feel?
Bewildered. Stunned. Lost.
Yet, I'm angry. Pissed. Upset with myself, and with my wife-soon-to-be-second-ex. I feel terrible for my kids. I feel hounded by my bad decisions and confused by some of her reactions to things that really had no effect on her or our relationship, yet she chose to make them so.
The last time I talked with her, she told me that one of her major decisions in calling it quits was because of my failure to fight harder to keep my kids.
That comment really kind of pushed me over the edge.
Want to know why?
I can barely afford to keep myself in a small room at a friend's house and pay for my car and cell phone. I can't really pitch much in in the way of groceries, let alone sundries like laundry detergent or toothpaste.
Now, on that limited budget try to figure out how you're going to get medical coverage for three kids, plus feed them, clothe them, pay for their meals while at school or daycare. Hell, try to figure out how to pay for daycare!
I'm not perfect, but I do want what's best for my kids. I can't provide for them on my own, but my ex, she's married and has a stable income and a house to live in. That's WAY more than I can provide right now.
Did I want to let her have them? HELL NO.
However, the choice had been made for me long before I had to start looking. Was I supposed to sit around and daydream about "what if's" and "maybes"? Not where they're concerned. If it was just for myself, I probably would have. I can't afford that kind of time where they're concerned.
To be honest, right now I'm of a mindset that if this marriage ends, she can take from it what she brought into it. That means that my kids aren't going to be seeing her, if I have any kind of say in the matter.
But there's another side of me that knows how much of a caring person she is, and how good of a mother she was to my kids. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile that person with the person I'm seeing right now. I'm trying, but it's DAMN HARD.
So for now, I guess it's just going to be me trying to pick up the pieces I have left, and move on.