Tuesday, June 22, 2010

No words, just feelings

I'm at a loss.

There's really no other way to describe it. In one short simple phrase, it's gone. My wife, my family, my livelihood.. GONE.

As of yesterday, hope has taken a leave of absence. It's pretty much final. My marriage is over.

How do I feel?

Bewildered. Stunned. Lost.

Yet, I'm angry. Pissed. Upset with myself, and with my wife-soon-to-be-second-ex. I feel terrible for my kids. I feel hounded by my bad decisions and confused by some of her reactions to things that really had no effect on her or our relationship, yet she chose to make them so.

I'm offended.

The last time I talked with her, she told me that one of her major decisions in calling it quits was because of my failure to fight harder to keep my kids.

That comment really kind of pushed me over the edge.

Want to know why?

I can barely afford to keep myself in a small room at a friend's house and pay for my car and cell phone. I can't really pitch much in in the way of groceries, let alone sundries like laundry detergent or toothpaste.

Now, on that limited budget try to figure out how you're going to get medical coverage for three kids, plus feed them, clothe them, pay for their meals while at school or daycare. Hell, try to figure out how to pay for daycare!

I'm not perfect, but I do want what's best for my kids. I can't provide for them on my own, but my ex, she's married and has a stable income and a house to live in. That's WAY more than I can provide right now.

Did I want to let her have them? HELL NO.

However, the choice had been made for me long before I had to start looking. Was I supposed to sit around and daydream about "what if's" and "maybes"? Not where they're concerned. If it was just for myself, I probably would have. I can't afford that kind of time where they're concerned.

To be honest, right now I'm of a mindset that if this marriage ends, she can take from it what she brought into it. That means that my kids aren't going to be seeing her, if I have any kind of say in the matter.

But there's another side of me that knows how much of a caring person she is, and how good of a mother she was to my kids. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile that person with the person I'm seeing right now. I'm trying, but it's DAMN HARD.

So for now, I guess it's just going to be me trying to pick up the pieces I have left, and move on.



Dana said...

Well, CRAP!

I know I am hearing only one side of this story, but FUCK her!

If she had wanted you to fight harder to keep the kids, she should have offered to let you keep the house - with her subsidizing the cost as needed to insure the kids COULD stay with you.

This was a set-up on her part. Nothing more. This way she can continue to make this ALL your fault and accept absolutely ZERO accountability for her part in it.

Nice, neat little package that she can use at her convenience in the future.

*shakes head*

Absent Aunty said...

You poor bugger. my brother in law is going through a similar thing, the only difference is that his wife is not the loving caring mother she tells everyone she is. He knows (and we know) that she is regularly drunk by 6pm, right when her little girl should be enjoying dinner, or a story, or a bath... anything but watchin her mother crying over bloody facebook!! Please come and follow the blog my brother in law and i have set up. We can't do much else as the government favours the mother. Just because a woman gave birth, doesn't mean she is a fit mother! We thinking of you and hope you find the strength to get through this!

gottaluvme3 said...

Actually Dana, I did ask him if he wanted the house, and I also offered to help with the kids, so FUCK YOU too!

You are right, you only know one side of the story, so maybe you shouldnt judge until you have heard it all.

Absent Aunty said...

And herein lies the problem.... you know, my brothers wife is saying the same shit! The party line she trips out all the time is "i'm not stopping him from seeing his daughter", but what comes out of the mouth doesn't always mesh with the actions that go with it. I don't even know you, but if a father feels that the only way he can get any notice is by starting a blog, then obviously his claims are at least partially true!

Why the hell can't parents just stop thinking about themselves and think of the needs of the children. This man has shown he has a compassionate side, he has stated (very publicly on a world wide blog) that the mother of his children is a good and caring mother...so he is facing the reality of what is best for his kids... if only both parents would do this. No man (or woman in some cases) should have to FIGHT for their children!!!!! Why should you have to fight for something that is rightfully yours!!!!!! If someone wants you to fight for your kids, they are not looking for you to fight for your kids... they just want you to fight. They enjoy the conflict and the pain that is caused by the process!!!!!!! Words mean NOTHING! Action is the key. Show that you care for your kids and do what is right for them!

Dana said...

Offer to help financially, or offer to help see him flounder with a mortgage/rent he couldn't pay on his own?

Were you willing to give up "your" money for the benefit of the kids or just "help" while he took on a second and/or third job to try to make enough to pay "his" bills and then never seeing the kids because he was always working??

You are quite the sneaky one - always quick to come to Jorms blog and condemn EVERYTHING he says/does and attempt to get everyone to believe HE is the only one with a problem.

Somehow, I'm thinking it's a 2-way street.

gottaluvme3 said...

Well, you are pretty much wrong Dana. And if you would read his past blogs, he openly admits to screwing up....No, I'm not perfect, but I gave everything I had to this relationship. You just stop trying after awhile.

Jormengrund said...

I have to disagree with you on one point here..

"Giving everything you have" to a relationship means that you give it all. If that were true, then you'd still be giving, and not giving up.

However, you've given up, and not bothered to look at the long haul. Yeah, it's not pretty, and I've never claimed it would be, but at least I'm still willing to give. I've bitched about the marriage and all, but it's still a vow I made that I'm willing to work to keep. It's a promise. It's my word to you that regardless of how screwed up things got, I'd be there for you. I meant the words. I've followed through, and I've kept my promise.

You're the one who's going to have to deal with the fact that the one true lie you told to me not only impacted me, but the kids as well.

Dana said...

So ... in other words, you didn't offer to help financially so that Jorm could do what's best for the kids - keeping the house and keeping them with him.

That's what I figured. You were willing to give what YOU wanted to give, not what HE (and the kids) needed.