You know, for the past few weeks I've done nothing but bitch and complain. Today, while driving around getting errands done, I had an epiphany.
See, I've had issues that have affected our relationship. However, to be fair, I want some kind of comparison to see how things stack up.
Know what? I think I've found it.
See, with me her major problem is my lying. I've been working on it. I'm MUCH better now than I used to be. I've still got a LONG way to go.
Now I've got a comparison for her: Her weight. It's been an issue for her since the beginning of our relationship. It's bothered her time and again. Hell, she's actually gotten heavier since I've met her than when we got together.
She tells me that I'm not making progress fast enough for her, and she's frustrated with my apparent lack of progress.
Turn the mirror around, please. She's been on one diet or another since we've been together. Yet she hasn't made ANY progress, in fact, she's WORSE now than when we met.
Now, she holds against me my past transgressions. She refuses to forgive, and when I fail all of my previous mistakes are brought back out and thrown back in my face. She can't let go of the past, and sees each step I take on my attempt to control my lying with a pessimistic attitude. I don't see any kind of support, only a "we'll see how this one does" kind of attitude.
Look at her: She's now at a weight loss camp to try to improve her coping skills. She's upset with my apparent lack of support. Yet I've seen time and again how she'll start a diet and lose some weight. Then she'll celebrate, take a week off, and go back to the diet only to find that she isn't losing weight fast enough, and abandon the diet. Rinse and repeat. I can't count the number of times I've seen it. Tell me.. Why should I believe that this one is going to be any different aside from the amount of cash that was spent to send her off for a month-long getaway? Is this any different than her "wait and see" attitude on my issues?
No. It's not.
By her standards, I should be leaving her because her weight issue hasn't made enough progress, and looks to stay a problem. Just like she's passing judgement on my lying.
However, with all that has happened, I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I'm willing to look past it all. I'm honestly hoping that this one will be the key, and she'll make the progress she needs. However, even if it doesn't, I'm still there to love this person FOR WHO THEY ARE.
Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I'm a complete fool who needs to get a serious dose of reality, and come down from cloud 9. Maybe I'll wake up and smell reality sometime soon.. Who knows?
I just wish that somehow I could get through to this person just how much I honestly care, and can't understand why they can't do the same..