Confessional

Well, I can tell when I post something that's a bit too brutally honest, because my wife will get on here and yell at me about it.

I don't feel the need to apologize on here, because after all, this is a kind of journal about who I am, and what I'm feeling. So if I offended, don't read.

That being said, I have been wondering since our "discussion" last night about some things...

Before I got some help in my lying problem, I never could have imagined that being completely honest could be considered a bad thing.

Now?

I'm not so sure, really.

I mean, look at the last post. I opened my heart, and blogged about how I felt. This, in turn, caused the woman I love to become very upset with me over how I expressed my feelings. In a sense, I was too honest, and it really pissed her off.

So now I'm trying to figure out (in my lying rehab-kind of way) where would the compromise be? When is it "ok" to lie? When is telling the "full" truth too much?

I'm still pretty new to the whole full-disclosure stuff. I mean, for me telling a lie is like offering a drink to an alcoholic. You can make the choice to tell that lie, or take that drink, but the chances of falling back on your old behaviors increase exponentially.

My wife doesn't believe that. Not one bit.

In her opinion, I'm just making a choice, and that I choose to lie, or tell the truth. There's no habit to break, there's nothing that could cause me to just up and run with it once the first one has been said.

Me?

I grew up telling lies to get out of trouble. I was pretty darn good at it, too. I'd lie just to keep from getting a wooden paddle, or power cord whipping, or my face slapped. I never knew what kind of punishment I'd get, so I'd make sure that the story I told had enough truth in it to be believeable, and then the rest would just be a type of garnish.

It became a habit. I'd lie to the folks outside of the house, because I didn't want them to know about my family, or how I was being treated. I wanted them to think I was a normal, well-adjusted kid. Not an abused soul who was desperately trying to find a way out and survive.

I'd lie to my parents, just to make living there bearable. Chores, minor jobs, homework, you name it. They asked, I did, and then I'd lie of something went wrong. I knew what they expected of me, so the lies were easier to make up for people you knew.

I'd lie at school. I didn't want the teachers or cousellors to know what was going on at home, because I feared the scrutiny. What would my parents do to me if they suddenly were investigated because of my behavior at school?

Pretty soon, the lies were more of my reality than the truth was.

And there's the rub.

Now? I've been very good about keeping myself honest. Yeah, I embellish a little, but my wife reminds me, and I reign myself in, and tone it down. I've been brutally honest, and things seem to be going well, until the honesty gets to be too much, and feelings get hurt.

You know, it's very true that the saying "Truth hurts" is more than just an emotional hurt. Feelings _do_ get hurt. But there are times when the truth feels more like a punch in the gut or kidneys than anything else.

I'm still learning, and I'm trying to come to terms with who I am.

However, don't think for a second that I'll apologize for telling my side of a story.

Yeah, you might not like what I have to say, but it's my opinion, and my feelings. I have the right to say these things, and I'll be more than willing to talk about them even if you're not reading. That's YOUR decision, and your choice.

I'll talk about some funny stories tomorrow, unless the wife and I get into a fight about this post tonight.. Then there'll be more about that tomorrow!

Stay tuned.

Personal Viewpoints!

Today I'm going to try to express some of the thoughts and feelings I get, and see if you get these as well.

I never really claimed to be an excellent wordsmith. I know there are folks out there who can take a phrase, and make it completely meaningful to the person reading. I'm not one of them.

I'm just going to try to describe the scene, and the look, and maybe some of my readers will join in with comments, and give their opinions as to scenes and looks that really touch them as well.

OK. Here goes!

Each and every evening when I pull up to the house, I am greeted by the sight of my yellow Labrador named Sassy looking out the glass panes of my french doors for some sign of me. I don't know how she's able to tell what time it is, or how she even knows that I'm headed home, but the excitement she gives off really brightens my day. Her growling welcome and excited yips, the way she wags her tail so hard that her backside nearly knocks her over, the impatient prancing of her paws, and the deep sigh of contentment once she gets a good scratch behind her ears... Unquestioned love and devotion.

The bright look in my daughter's eyes each night as I go to tuck her into bed. We'll talk about the day she's had, and what her plans are for the next day. We'll maybe sing a soft little song, or tease each other about some silly thing we remember. The snuggle deep into her fluffy blankets, and the cuddle of a stuffed teddy bear. The tight squeeze of a hug, and the gentle smack of a kiss goodnight. These are the sights and sounds of safety and security in a scary world.

The happy sounds of my kids at play in the yard. The rumble and thump of clothes tumbing in the washing machine or dryer. The sound of running water in the bathroom. The drone of a TV show. The clink of dishes being washed in the dishwasher. The rustle of grass needing to be cut. These are all sounds of a home being lived in.

The open and waiting arms of my wife to give me a hug when I see her. The soft conversations over how the day went, and what happened. The sweet kisses and gentle squeeze of a happy hand. The shining eyes over some small gift or surprise. The laughter over a joke or funny accident. The contented sigh as we curl up to watch TV on the couch together. The proud beaming as we are complimented on the behavior of our kids. The excitement of a small trip to go play in the snow. The gentle laughter of a game of "Sorry". The cozy warmth of a shared mug of cocoa. These are the times when I feel love the most.

Tell me what gets you. What memories evoke special feeling for you?