My Most Sincere and Deepest Apologies..

As some of you (those choice few who have been reading this blog for a while) know, I've been having on-again off-again problems with my marriage.

I know for a fact that 90% of it has to do with me, and my behavior.

Why?

Because, for all of my age, I'm just an older version of a child, really.

Sad, but true.

I enjoy video games. I escape to them quite frequently, and get completely absorbed into the nothingness that comes from diving into a fantasy, and not coming back to the real world for a while.

I'm a liar. Not a good one, but I _am_ a liar.

Why?

I don't know. Sometimes it's because of fear. Other times, it's because I don't like how it's going to make me look if I answer honestly. Sometimes I just say something because I don't want to listen to the conversation and the track it's taking. It's never the same reason, but it's the same result. I've been trying to kick this habit for YEARS, and each time I think I've got it under control, it comes back even worse than before.

I'm not the best father.

I've known this for years as well. If it weren't for my wife, I probably would still be living out of some dump, barely scraping by, and visiting the kids about once a month (if that) when I felt the need. I'd never have been as involved in their care, never noticed the abuses they'd been subjected to, and never have gained custody of these grand babies if it hadn't been for her.

Now? Even though I've got them, I still don't interact with them near as much as I should. Most times I'm camped out in front of a TV set watching a show, or playing a video game, or reading a book, and don't pay attention to their questions, or their pictures they've made, or any of a number of things that I should really enjoy and cherish.

I'm missing my kids growing up, and to be honest, I don't know how I feel about it.

I know I should be upset. I know that I should be kicking myself in the butt, and doing something to rectify the problem. But there's also a part of me that keeps asking "what problem?"

You see, I keep thinking back to my own childhood, and I see myself doing and acting the same way my dad did. He'd join me every once in a while to play, but more often than not, he was in the bathroom with a book, crashed out in front of the TV while his shows were on, or buried in the back office pouring over bills and the home finances.

I've substituted video games for the bills, since I'm not worth crap at budgets. However, the behaviors are all mine.

I keep rationalizing with myself that my kids are still being raised better, because they don't live in fear of being beaten when I get home. That's something I lived with from my mom, and there are still days that a certain tone in her voice will give me cold chills. My kids don't have to deal with that. In fact, they get upset if I have to raise my voice, so I usually don't have to resort to any kind of physical punishment at all.

Then there's the part of me that is an inconsiderate ass to my wife.

Apparently, I don't know how to be a good husband, either.

Yeah, I've seen all the "trophy" husbands who do it all, know it all, and can still work 14-ish hours a day. I'm not one of them.

I know some things. Others, I can fake. Most, I just shrug and think that we should get someone who knows what they're doing, and pay them for it.

I'm not like my Father-in-law. I don't go and LOOK for things to do. if someone comes to me and lets me know that something's wrong, I'll take the time to go see what I can do about it. If I can't do it, or don't know what the problem is, I'll find someone else who can.

I'm not someone who runs a tight ship. I don't double-bag my garbage so that my garbage can doesn't stink. I don't take extra-special care of my yard tools to make sure they don't rust more than they should. I don't have special tools for various projects.

However, I am better than my father at being around the house.

I'm not better than my mom at doing things around the house.

Yes, there's housework to be done. There's yardwork that needs to be taken care of. There's various other things that need attention. I can do them, but how often? At what times?

Apparently, when I decide to do something about things, it's "too little, too late" or something along those lines.

Hell, according to my Mother-in-law, I should magically KNOW what I'm supposed to do, and just do it.

I didn't know that by growing older, you'd gain the knowledge of how to do things, the timing of needing to get things done, and just be able to go out and do them.

So I'm useless, inconsiderate, and a basic jerk.

Not only that, but I'm a lecher.

Yeah.

I like girls. I flirt. I tease.

However, I'm a coward.

I can talk and tease and flirt, but if it came down to it, I don't think I could ever "finish the deal".

Sure, I enjoy the attention. After all, if I didn't, would I have really started writing this blog?

However, this has gotten me in trouble as well. Because I'm not willing to change my behavior, it's hurting my wife, and pushing her further away from me. I tried to hide it, but like any idiot, I've left things out there that have given her probable cause to distrust me yet again.

I can say until I'm blue in the face that I would never do things to dishonor her, but given my penchant for lying, and my love of attention, girls, and flirting, how can she really trust or believe what I say?

My only hope here is that I haven't gone too far. That there's some way, some action I can take that will repair all of the damage I've done.

I want to grow up.

I want to be a man.

I want to be a father. Hell, I've love to be a daddy.

I want to be a husband.

For now, I'd take being wanted.

We'll see what happens.

I'm going for counselling, and I hope I can break the habits.

Until then, I'm going to have to stop blogging, and in doing so, I hope to remove some of the temptation I have for exaggeration, flirting, and what not.

I apologize to you, my reader(s) if this upsets you, but I need to get my life straight.

I hope you can understand, and I wish you all the best.

Like all good things...

Yes kiddies, I'm having to trim down the amount of time I spend blogging.

I've made a promise to myself to not post while at work. I've come to realize that my income is near and dear to my family, and for me to put that in jeopardy by writing about things that upset me for the enjoyment of others is irresponsible.

Now? Well, I've decided to post when I can while at home. It's not going to be as steady and as usual as it has been in the past, but there will be odd times when I'll be able to get free, and rant and rave about things that have set me off.

As a few of you know, I'm also dealing with some harsh and serious things on the home front as well, and right now one of my major focuses is going to be on resolving these issues once and for all.

So your thoughts and concerns are welcome, and I dearly hope that I won't lose your readership while I take time to clean house.

Have a great day, and I'll talk to you again soon.

Into Hell with a Handbasket and Squirtgun..

Yeah, seems like we as a country are headed that way, doesn't it?

I mean, we've got hard-working folks in this great nation.

We've even got good souls willing to help out each other with no thought for their own personal well-being.

Yet for all of this, greed and gluttony seem to be the keys to our economy and society.

We've got financial institutions who can't spend their money correctly, and yet expect us to float them loans or grants to keep them going.

My solution there? Treat them EXACTLY as they'd treat anyone coming off the street for financial assistance..

Look their credit over, check their spending habits, and the give them about a tenth of what they need at an insane interest rate..

We've got people in authority who are trying to make the quick buck, and making headlines with it.

My solution there?

Have them work with the homeless for a while. Keep them down and force them to live like animals with no food or shelter for just 90 days. See how well they adjust to this, and I can guarantee they'll be happy with what they have when they're able to get back. No more greed issues there.

We've got a nation of overweight folks. Fast food, quick and easy right-now meals, get it on the go, don't stop, don't exercise, don't bother..

My solution?

Take the stairs. Eat that carrot. Park a bit further from the store. Play with your kids.


Now, I'm not claiming to be perfect here. The fat issue is one near and dear to my heart, because I'd love to lose some of the extra pounds I've gained. Yet it's so much easier to be spoon-fed than it is to get up and do what's right.. Why is that?

Why are we so willing to enable people to bring us down instead of stand up and do what's right?

Why are we then willing to complain about how screwed up everything is when we're one of the reasons for that problem?

Why are we more than willing to point fingers and blame others when our own shortcomings are just as bad if not worse than the next persons problem?

I don't know.

I do know that I'm going to try to make a change.

I'm going to take those stairs.

I'm going to get my butt out of that gaming chair, and play with my kids.

I'm going to eat that carrot instead of munch on chips and drink soda.

Small steps, but important ones if we're going to make changes.

Start with yourself, then worry about fixing something else.

Take care all!

resolution!

After reading the comments, deleting things that didn't need to be said, and talking with a couple of other folks, I've come to a determination here.

This blog is going to be about ME.

If I talk about my wife, it's only going to be in reference to ME.

If I say something, it's from MY perspective.

There's not going to be anything regarding objectivity here.

I will write how I see things, and from my viewpoint.

However, with this in mind, I'm going to be limiting what I say and talk about regarding my wife and family.

This may mean that I'll be blogging about the weather, or some ant crawling across the floor of my office because nearly 9-10ths of my blog have been centered around me and my relationship.

No More.

After reading Bee's comment, I realized that she was right.

I'm hurting my spouse by saying these things, even if I believe in what I'm writing.

Because of this, I need to start editing my writing, and thinking through what it is I'm trying to say.

Yes, even an asshole can learn to be Politically Correct, and I'm going to take that crash-course starter class.

So, as of today, my posts regarding myself and my family are going to be coming off the board.

I don't know if I'm going to delete them, or just restrict access, but they'll be taken off.

I need to learn to think first and foremost about my family, even to the detriment of myself, or things that I enjoy.

Thank you all for your comments, and I hope you keep reading.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Yeah, I wrote the date out today..

Why, you ask?

Because I wanted to make sure that my wife took note.

You'll see the reasoning as you keep reading.


I went back, and looked over my archived posts, and things I've written and said about my marriage, my wife, and my family life.

Do you know that I have complained more than I've complimented my wife since starting this endeavor?

I don't know why that is, it just turned that way on me.

So, in order to alleviate this problem, I've taken it upon myself to build her up here on my blog as well as at home.

Thus, I'm starting today.. If only to get a jump on the New-Year's resolutions that everyone seems to put off doing!

My wife is a wonderful mother, not only to my kids, but to those she watches for friends and family as well. She cares, and has a HUGE heart for children of all ages.

My wife is awesome with numbers. What I have to take time to figure (and usually get wrong!) she can do in mere seconds, and be correct! This is one major reason why I have her keep the checkbook, because she's able to juggle those numbers around much better than I ever could.

My loving spouse is a very vital and outgoing person. She tries to make friends with everyone she meets, and attempts to get each person to participate in activities if possible. (even when some of us don't want to deal with another!)

My wife is great at the attention to detail. I don't know how she does it (must be a girl thing!), but she's able to tell if the floor has really been vacuumed, or if it's just bee the cursory swipe and duck kind of job. To be honest, I don't think I could ever have the patience to "deep clean" the way she likes to..

These are just a few of the things I love about my spouse. I can't tell you them all, because then I'd have nothing left to write about the next time except to repeat them, and that's boring!


I don't know why it is that I fail to mention the "little" things to her. For most women, the BIG stuff is nice, but to hear the everyday "Thank you for being you" kind of things really pay off more.

I tend to get fixated on the major issues, and harp and nag when something doesn't tend to go my way or happen the way I planned. She doesn't deserve the ire I send to her, it just winds up going that way.

For the most part, I've made the consious attempt to keep my frustrations that I deal with at work well apart from my home life. If things go really badly at work, I'll call ahead, and let her know that I'm going to be needing some "down-time" before dealing with family stuff. This is nice, but it isn't always feasible or practical. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, life just doesn't allow for the slow-down period.

To be honest with you, my readers, I feel that my greatest failing as a husband is that of apathy.

How?

Because if it isn't broke, I don't mess with it. If it works, use it until it breaks.

Not only with mechanical things, but with the relationship as well.

This leads to MAJOR problems.

There are things that I can do that really bother my wife. I've spoken of them in earlier posts.

However, because of her loving and giving nature, she tends to keep her complaints in check, hoping that I'll see the things I'm doing wrong, and change.

However, because I don't hear of any problem or issue, I contend that there's no problem, and I keep up with the action that bothers her.

Yeah, you can see where this is going, can't you?

It boils over, and explodes. And then I rant and rave to my readers here on my blog, which bothers her yet again when she's painted out to be the "bad guy".

Now, there are some of you who have dealt with her, and can honestly say that she's very judgemental. I'd have to agree with you.

However, you must also understand that it's because of that ability of hers to judge that I'm still with her today.

I'm not going to elaborate on that any more, it's something I prefer to keep to myself.

So I now declare to you all (all 2 or so who read this!) that I dearly love my wife, and I resolve to state this at least once a month, if not more from now on.

Please, remind me from time to time, as I tend to forget things, and can use all the help I can get!

Happy New Year people, and the best to you all!