Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Fun, Frolic and the Age of Terrorism.

Yeah, I'm going to quote an excerpt that I read recently from a very funny comedian's book he published.

So without further ado, Tim Joyce's words from his book: Seize the Day Job.

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Man, did old FDR ever have balls. Think about it. He said we should embrace fearlessness and utilize the positive energy within us even as Hitler was preparing to do his little tap-dance through Europe. He told America to buck up and be brave - even while millions of Dust Bowl refugees were riding ramshackle jalopies across the desert - only to be beaten up by anti-union goons when they arrived in the New Jerusalem of California.

He said we should not be afraid, even though he himself lived in a wheelchair with no use whateover of his own legs. That is right buckaroos, the Franklinator was fearless even though he was a paraplegic, and remember: that wasWAY before the USA had anything resembling a ramp into a restaurant or a department store. When faced with the instinctive survival choice of Fight or Flight our first and only handicapped Commander in Chief only had one option really, so the bastard courageously went ahead and fought hard enough to end the Depression and win WWII.

He wasn't even afraid to look at Eleanor naked.

"Nothing to fear but fear itself." Wow.

Thank God George W. Bush came along to remind us daily that Franklin was off his wheelchair. Thank our good Christian God we live in times when conservative politicians and talk show hosts can jam up the AM radio dial with color-coded calls to look up at the sky and wailingly declare it falling.

We are so lucky to live in an age when our leaders have the kindness and decency to scare us with threats of Armageddon every hour on the hour. Just remember this America: if you aren't scared, if you aren't willing to give up all of your constitutional right up keep Freedon alive, well, you're just letting the terrorists know they won.

Forget national health care, forget civil rights, forget education, forget freedom of speech or religion. As righteous family-value espousing patriotic citizens the only thing we have left to do is live in constant pants-soiling paranoia. We now must be happy to be America: land of the free and home of 280 million chickenshits.

Never forget, and in fact never think about anything else at all but this following fact: We live in a post 9-11 world.

It is also worthwhile to be aware that if you have recently consumes a Slurpee you are living in a post 7-11 world as well!

Be afraid. Be very very very veru very very afraid. Afraid you aren't afraid enough? Well, here are some things to help you reach the zenith of whimpering simpering cringing horror that is the hallmark of surviving in this modern world.

Look all around you. Go ahead, set this book down and look around. Think you are safe? Well, think again you Commie! Death lurks around you like an unventilated flatus.

See your television? It could be a bomb.

See your end table? It might be composed completely of compressed anthrax spores cunningly constructed to look like teakwood.

See the so-called "loving family" that shares your domicile? That's right, you un-American fearless liveral swiftboat riding puke, each and every person you know and love is most assuredly a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer. So go ahead, cover your ears and scream all you want, no one will hear you.

Why? Because they are staring at their own end-table and screaming even louder than you!

The entire world hates us, and it is not in any way our fault that they do. So don't ask. Want to know why they hate us? Simple. They hate Freedom. And Freedom is us, capisce? Try to look any deeper than that and you aren't supporting the troops, you traitor.

That's why we need unlimited wiretapping by the FBI, CIA, PTA, and DAR of all American homes. We also need unlimited access to weapons for all our nation's citizens so we can defend ourselved against sudden unprovoked attacks from, well, ourselves. We need to decriminalize torture or we will never be safe from the terror within our own minds. It is as simple as that.

And if you say it isn't, well, then you hate America.

You are either with us, or against us, and since we aren't thinking anything through anymore at all as a nation then you'd better just clam up and get uninformed pronto, pal. And the basis of remaining patriotically dumb and uninformed is what? You guessed it!! Fear!!!

Fear is a good thing, a great thing, everything, the only thing.

And don't forget, dear reader, fear is good for the economy as well. in order for the United States to thrive economically we must be scared shitless 24 hours a day.

Think that makes no sense? Turn on your TV. Seriously, go turn on your TV. I'll wait.

Did it explode? Well, okay then, maybe you dodged that bullet and your set wasn't a bomb planted in your living room by Bin Laden himself. But now that it is on, watch the commercials for a while. Think fear isn't important to the economy? Everything they sell on your television is sold through fear. They even sell you on being afreaid of the opposite of your fears.

Psychiatry itself tells us that only the scared survive. Remember that cigar that Freud said sometimes is "just a cigar?" Well what he didn't tell you was this: whether that cigar is just a cigar, or in fact your penis in metaphorical somnambulant disguise, it is nevertheless most definitely an exploding cigar with a deadly hundred megaton charge. Even in our dreams we must be vigilant against the enemies of Freedom, whoever the fuck they are.

So the reader may ask, "How can I maintain my personal terror level at a constant patriotic rate?" Well, as always, the best answers to any life dilemma lie once again in your television. look at those ads my friend!!! Madison Avenue always knows best, and here is the fear they are waiting up sell you for your own good.

You had better be afraid of:
- Being fat/Being hungry
- Losing your erection/Being small even when you are erect
- Smelling bad/Not smelling at all
- Drinking the wrong beer/Drinking the right beer responsibly
- Getting skin cancer/Being too pale
- Crashing your car/Paying too much for auto insurance.

Most of you should be afraid that you're watching the wrong television!

By the year 2018, 90% of the United States economy will be tied up in the use, production, and distribution of antidepressants and antianxiety medications. Being scared is good for business, and what is good for business is good for America.

So embrace that fear. Courage is for the smart and we here in the USA are clueless and ready to die for cluelessness. Every decent American should have a cable hookup placed in their skull piping Fox News directly into their medulla oblongata. Once you have that simple operation you will be ready for some good old-fashioned American cringing my friend!!!

Go ahead, lock yourself in that broom closet. Surround yourself with pillows, gunpowder and bottled water. Shoot to kill at anything that moves and even some things that don't. Stay awake for the rest of your life so you don't die in your sleep.

Quietly do whatever Rush Limbaugh tells you to do. Turn your neighbor in to homeland Security if he looks too swarthy. Sell your kids to the army where they will be safe.

When you aren't oncontrollably weeping with anxiety be sure you sing the "Star Spangled Banner" until you pass out in flag-waving ecstasy.

These are scary times, and only and educated East Coast left wing fool feels optimistic.

Even God Himself wants you to be scared, otherwise why would he always refer to righteous as "God-fearing"? Case in point: As a Catholic schoolbot I was told that you should never call the holiday "Xmas" because it takes the "Christ" out of "Christmas." Well. It is also important to keep in mind that without your terror, terrorism is only an "ism."

Makes you think, don't it?

"Nothing to fear but fear itself'" my ass.

Remember, these days we have nothing to fear but everything.

Well, that, and a shortage of Xanax.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Why is it that the longer folks are together, the harder it seems to be for them to be open and honest to each other?

There are so many small, unspoken hurts, fears, and concerns that we tend to gloss over because we feel they're really not important at the moment to address. However, these small things tend to add up quickly, and fester. Eventually it all jumbles together, and if not treated, becomes nearly lethal.

My marriage is like this now. There have been hurts. There have been problems. There have been concerns. There have been fears.

However, none of this is ever addressed until it becomes a MAJOR issue. Then, it pops, and becomes this ugly, open sore.

By the time this happens, the only thing left to do is to try to heal it, but it leaves a vicious, pock-marked scar.

So now I'm trying to deal with a bleeding open wound, but this time I'm not sure that I've got what it takes to heal it. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try.

The question now is if my other half is still willing, or if she wants to just let it bleed out, and give up.

I'm hoping she's a fighter, but lately, I really don't know.

It occurs to me that even after seven years of being with this woman, there are many things about her that I've never even known. There are habits and issues of hers that she's never even confided in me about herself.

I'm a seriously flawed person. I admit this. I play games too much. I like being on the computer. I don't really know how to be a "family" guy. I'm really not much of a father figure. Hell, at this point I'm questioning how much of a human being I really am.

The point here is that I'm willing to try to change. Hell, I HAVE changed. I'm much more of a better person than I was before I met my wife. I have her to thank for that. I know it, and I freely admit it.

Yet it seems that this person that I love, cherish, and truly want to spend the rest of my life with is the one person that I consistently hurt over, and over, and over again.

I don't intend it. I don't want to do it. However because of my flaws and character, it's going to happen whether I want it to or not. I really don't know if she can take much more, and to be honest, I don't know if I can really blame her.

But there's another part of me that really wishes she could see past the flaws. If she could look past the idiotic mistakes and stupid choices. That there could possibly be some form of patience and be willing to love me for who I am now.

However, that's wishful thinking at this point, I guess.

Now? All I've really got is the hope that somehow she'll know, and stick with me through the bad times.

I mean, that's part of the marriage vows, right?

Richer, poorer, better or Worse?

Well, in my opinion, it can't get much worse right now.

Nobody ever claimed that marriage was easy. If they did, they LIED. It's work. It's dedication. It's a commitment over everything else you ever hoped or planned to do. It's giving 300%, and not expecting anything in return, but hoping that the other side's giving 300% as well.

Unconditional love.

Yeah. I guess that's what I'm hoping for.

Love without any judgement. Love without rules, or regulations, or stipulations.

Heck, at this point I'd just settle for love, I think.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round...

I'm caught in a vicious circle at work..

I've been informed by The Powers That Be that I need to define and reinforce the strict guidelines set down by corporate for it's computer and internet users.

So, these last two weeks I've been cracking down. Uninstalling browsers that aren't company approved, removing such items as Mozilla Firefox, and other download utilities, since no downloading of ANY sort has been approved, etc.

Enter in Manager Bitch from Hell.

She's now gone and faced off with me. Last week, we had a "discussion" where she informed me that since I'm still considered an associate, and she's management, I'm required to follow her directions, and do as I'm told. I pointed out the email from corporate, and informed her that I was following my directions, but that didn't faze this woman.

She proceeded to take her argument to our HR (human resources) manager. The HR manager called me into her office, and kindly informed me that she was going to overlook this problem, but that the manager in question is correct, and my refusal to comply with her wishes bordered on insubordination, which is a terminable offense.

She then offered me this "compromise":

I do what I'm told to, and she'll ignore the insubordination, and we can all get back to our jobs!

Sounds great, right?

Yeah. Right up until my corporate lead inspected some accounts, and found that there were still violations of our company policy regarding computer use.

He then proceeded to write me a nice, NASTY email, and copied my HR director in the missive.

It basically explained that I needed to enforce company policy, and failure to do so would be met with SEVERE consequences.

After our "discussion", I was sure that my HR manager would explain things to my corporate lead, but that's where I was completely and totally WRONG.

I got tossed under the proverbial moving bus, y'all.

Her response was as follows:

"Jormengrund has been given ample opportunity to take care of and resolve any internet and computer usage problems. Given the fact that many still exist proves to me to be a blatant disregard for his position and job duties. I suggest that immediate disciplinary action be taken in order to bring this problem to a close."

Yeah. After her pretty speech about doing what I'm told, I get the un-greased SHAFT from yet someone else I'd considered dense, but at least honest.

So I proceeded to document and present all emails and correspondence that I'd had from both of the argumentative parties regarding this dilemma. My corporate lead was surprised to find that I'd been told to go against the grain regarding their directions, but wasn't surprised at all about the shady dealings from my HR manager.

I assured my lead that I was willing to enforce the rules, but it might cost me my job. He told me to wait a while, and he was going to see about "levelling the playing field" some.

I'm wondering what kind of hornet's nest I'm stepping into now, but to be honest, I really LOVE my job, and don't want to lose it despite the morons that I get to deal with on a daily basis.

Friday, December 11, 2009


Today's my daughter's birthday.

Yup. 10 years ago today she was born, and ever since I've been seriously considering where I'm going to be needing to hide the shotgun once she turns into the beautiful young lady that I've feared she would become.

Well, it's getting closer, and my hair's REALLY starting to turn gray.

I just can't look forward that much to it, though. I'm not going to mind our "family" party we're going to have for her this weekend, but tonight's her party where she's invited friends over to celebrate with her.

For some reason, the mere thought of 18 screaming, cheering and ADHD 10-year old kids running all over my house just doesn't inspire me.

But of course I'll be happy for her, and act excited and surprised over each and every single thing that she gets or does.


Because that's what a daddy is supposed to do.

And we all know that daddy's girls are the best ones, don't we??

See you all next week.. If I survive the screaming teenie invasion that's going to hit my house tonight, that is!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Ok, gotta talk about this crap!

Uh, I was watching the news this morning, and found myself seriously asking this question:

"Why is Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize?"

I mean, sure, he's the first African-American President for our nation. Yes, he's actually done SOME change with our economy.

However, I fail to see how those two things qualify him for the prize.

Teddy Roosevelt earned it because of his actions in ending the Russo-Japanese war.

Woodrow Wilson earned it for starting the League of Nations.

Jimmy Carter has earned his for trying to continually promote world peace. I mean, even after being in the Presidency, he's still working for a global community!

And now we've got Barack Obama.

What is the reasoning?

"His effort to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples"

Um, excuse me?

Isn't that the job description of EACH and EVERY president we've elected?

Ronald Reagan had to deal with the Soviets.

Hell, Kennedy had to deal with Castro, Vietnam, and the Cold War.

FDR had World War II to deal with. Same with Eisenhower.

Yet none of these men even got an honorable mention for their efforts.

So again, I have to ask what exactly has Obama done?

He's moved troops around in Iraq and Afghanistan.

He's trying to bring our nation back from the brink of bankruptcy (yet again!).

However, he hasn't really formally been able to conclude ANY of these actions.

There's still military actions being taken in Iraq and Afghanistan.

We're still in the middle of an "economic crisis" here in the states.

In fact, funding is getting so poor that we're having to cut costs by decreasing the time we spend teaching our children.

So as long as we can't teach our kids how to better themselves, and then can't afford to pay for them to make it to college, send them off to wars that have been brewing and going on EVEN WITHOUT OUR INVOLVEMENT, then get elected, we should consider ourselves prime candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize?

I can deal with that.

I'm running for office next year.

Write me in, and I'll be sure to keep y'all in my mind while I walk in the footsteps of giants, and take all of the credit for it!

Job Security!!

Well, I know that as long as I'm able to deal with ID-10-Ts, I'll have a job here.

I mean, you can take this morning's conference call as a prime example:

Me: Hey. I was just curious. I've been working on that new laptop you sent me, and I can't get it formatted. Did you set up the hardware so that I can get this formatted and distibuted?

Tech: Of course! I got it all done last night. Should be right here.. No, it's not there.. Maybe I saved it here? Nope. Wait.. There it is! You can't access it there?

Me: Um, no. The formatting is automatic, and I can't change where it points the laptop to when it starts to format. You're going to need to move those files to the correct area so that I can get this laptop out of my office, and out to the warehouse floor.

Tech: Sure.. Give me about an hour to copy all the files down and move them.

Me: An hour? You can't click and drag them?

Tech: You can do that with these files?

Me: Nevermind. I'll get it done. Thanks.

You never know when I might start decorating the interior of my office door with divots from beating my head against it...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Happy Holidays!

You know, it's that time of year when we count our blessings, find the good in our fellow man, and really make the season bright and happy.

Well, unless you're busy getting rid of the problem.

Let me make myself clear.

During the holidays, things tend to either REALLY be good, or REALLY be crap.

For example:

My best friend was fired from his job THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. Happy holidays, you're fired, go try to find work someplace else in this shitty economy.

A friend of the family is going through a divorce. Happy holidays! Here's to weekly visitation, shitty attitude, and finding out just how much more of a jerk your soon-to-be ex-husband really can be!

Another friend of the family was dumped by her lover. Happy holidays, hit the road, I've got someone new who's closer to my age, and isn't going to prove to be a problem when I want to go out and party.

Now, I get to follow suit.

Happy holidays. You've changed. You're MUCH better than where you were when we met. HOWEVER, because I can't forgive or forget the past, you're doomed to repeat your mistakes, and for that I just can't deal with you anymore.

Hope you find someone else, and have a better life. Why? Because I'm not going to try anymore.

Excuse me?

From what I recall, marriage is NEVER an easy road. All of the "successful" married folks I've talked to have said that it's a long, painful and difficult 24-7-365 JOB. You've got to WORK at it. It doesn't just happen, and "poof!" everything you ever want or needed drops into your lap with a nice bow around it.

It takes dedication. It takes time. It takes WORK and COMMITMENT.

Sure. There are times when the problems are going to fall thick and heavy, and you feel that you can't gain a breath while treading water. That you're going under, and there's no life preserver around to grasp onto.


But even then, you've got to be willing to fight for what you want. You've got to be willing to drop it all, and focus on that ONE THING that you want more than anything else.

In my case, I'm willing to drop everything, including y'all, if it means I'd be able to have this marriage back.

I want my wife. I want my kids. I want a happy home.

The question is:

What does she want?

I mean, it's great that I want it and all, but marriage isn't just a one-way street.

I could give, and give, and give until I have nothing left. But if she doesn't assist, it still falls well short, doesn't it?

So here's my Christmas Wish:

Give me back my family. Let me have my home. Give me back my loving wife.

That's all I want for Christmas.

Please.. If you're out there, can you help me make this come true?

I hope so.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

'Tis the season

To spend as much as you can humanly accumulate on gift for folks you know, but probably won't reciprocate, and then spend the rest of the next year paying it all off so you can repeat it all over again.

Isn't Christmas wonderful?

Let's put things into perspective here:

You go out, buy a couple of things for the kids. Then, you check to make sure that the gifts are going to be percieved by the kids as being of equal value. If not, then you struggle to figure out how to balance the scales. Maybe a knit sweater for the kid with the semi-laptop that-only-does-math-problems-but-looks-cool toy will lose some ground, and the kid with the Legos(tm) won't feel too snubbed.

Yeah. Kids and clothes. There's another Christmas gift BOMB.

Kids look for the toys and games. They will blow right past any and all clothes to fawn and drool over the newest toy that they've gotten, even if it's something they've never asked for before.


Because it's a TOY.

Just like they'll pretty much ignore any and all clothing. It's like asking them to read the card that comes with the gift. In their mind, the gift says it all, not the sappy words and sayings on the card.

Big present that was high up on their wish list? LOVE.

Socks and underwear (that they need!)? You're getting ready to deport them to some third world country.

How about family?

Yeah, we buy for my folks, her folks, her sister, and my brother.

However, I can't recall the last time her sister or my brother ever returned the favor.

But we still get them gifts, because we're the eternal (sucker) optimist.

That, and it keeps them quiet for another year!

Anyway, happy holidays. I'm sure that I'll rant and complain more as the time gets closer.