Saturday, July 31, 2010

There's guilt, and then there's GUILT.

I'm feeling like crap now.

The wife and I had a "talk" this evening, and I'd really rather have gone somewhere and driven rusty nails into my hands and eyes.

The gist of the talk is that she's moving. Away. Without me. WAY out of town.

Technically, we're still married, but I can feel the divorce papers coming my way at any given time. She's happier.. (hell, 90% of separated and divorced women say this.. Thanks Rutgers!) She's going to be moving to a larger town with her neice who's going away to college.

To be honest, I can't blame her. She didn't go to college. She didn't get to have wild college parties and live on the edge. Now? She's going to be able to experience it all.. And I can't really blame her. In fact, I envy her.

Yet it also seems to me that she's running away. Running away from the kids, me, the town, her family (aside from her niece).. Running away from anything and everything that might resemble her life with me. I actually feel like a piece of garbage that's been tossed out for the truck to come pick up, but nobody INCLUDING the garbage man wants to deal with me!

Then I also was asked not to be sending her anymore emails. Now, I have written her a couple of times when I've had some eye-opening revalations about myself and the skills that I've lacked for our marriage. I've admitted where I've failed, and I've told her all about it.

Yet somehow this makes her feel guilty.


The guilt lies with me, not her! How is it that my coming to realize that I've been a complete failure and screw-up causes someone else to feel guilty?

The guilt and fault is mine.. Don't try to take it upon yourself to feel for someone who doesn't deserve your guilt or pity.

So, now I'm left with the quickly fading options:

No family. The kids are with their mom. I get to see them when I'm not trying to fill my time with work. Soon, no wife. She's leaving town at the end of the year, and I don't think I'll see her again because I highly doubt she's going to be looking back.

So, what's really left?

That's a question that right now I'm not in a mindset to answer or think about.


gottaluvme3 said...

I am hardly going away to live the party life, that is for sure! I'm a little old for that, and Kelsey is more mature then that. Maybe I am running away, but not because it resembles my life with you. I am moving because I can. Because I have lived in the same town for 31 years and have always wanted to go somewhere else.

I don't recall asking you not to send me any more emails. I said that it is hard reading the emails that you express your feelings in because I feel bad/sad. Because I know you are hurting.

Again, who knows what the future holds. I am not going to just act like you never existed. And there won't be any surprises in mail....

Siren said...

Life is way to short to not be happy. No matter if you find yourselves together or apart I hope you can find peace and happiness.

Wishing you both the best.