Friday, January 22, 2010

My Most Sincere and Deepest Apologies..

As some of you (those choice few who have been reading this blog for a while) know, I've been having on-again off-again problems with my marriage.

I know for a fact that 90% of it has to do with me, and my behavior.

Why?

Because, for all of my age, I'm just an older version of a child, really.

Sad, but true.

I enjoy video games. I escape to them quite frequently, and get completely absorbed into the nothingness that comes from diving into a fantasy, and not coming back to the real world for a while.

I'm a liar. Not a good one, but I _am_ a liar.

Why?

I don't know. Sometimes it's because of fear. Other times, it's because I don't like how it's going to make me look if I answer honestly. Sometimes I just say something because I don't want to listen to the conversation and the track it's taking. It's never the same reason, but it's the same result. I've been trying to kick this habit for YEARS, and each time I think I've got it under control, it comes back even worse than before.

I'm not the best father.

I've known this for years as well. If it weren't for my wife, I probably would still be living out of some dump, barely scraping by, and visiting the kids about once a month (if that) when I felt the need. I'd never have been as involved in their care, never noticed the abuses they'd been subjected to, and never have gained custody of these grand babies if it hadn't been for her.

Now? Even though I've got them, I still don't interact with them near as much as I should. Most times I'm camped out in front of a TV set watching a show, or playing a video game, or reading a book, and don't pay attention to their questions, or their pictures they've made, or any of a number of things that I should really enjoy and cherish.

I'm missing my kids growing up, and to be honest, I don't know how I feel about it.

I know I should be upset. I know that I should be kicking myself in the butt, and doing something to rectify the problem. But there's also a part of me that keeps asking "what problem?"

You see, I keep thinking back to my own childhood, and I see myself doing and acting the same way my dad did. He'd join me every once in a while to play, but more often than not, he was in the bathroom with a book, crashed out in front of the TV while his shows were on, or buried in the back office pouring over bills and the home finances.

I've substituted video games for the bills, since I'm not worth crap at budgets. However, the behaviors are all mine.

I keep rationalizing with myself that my kids are still being raised better, because they don't live in fear of being beaten when I get home. That's something I lived with from my mom, and there are still days that a certain tone in her voice will give me cold chills. My kids don't have to deal with that. In fact, they get upset if I have to raise my voice, so I usually don't have to resort to any kind of physical punishment at all.

Then there's the part of me that is an inconsiderate ass to my wife.

Apparently, I don't know how to be a good husband, either.

Yeah, I've seen all the "trophy" husbands who do it all, know it all, and can still work 14-ish hours a day. I'm not one of them.

I know some things. Others, I can fake. Most, I just shrug and think that we should get someone who knows what they're doing, and pay them for it.

I'm not like my Father-in-law. I don't go and LOOK for things to do. if someone comes to me and lets me know that something's wrong, I'll take the time to go see what I can do about it. If I can't do it, or don't know what the problem is, I'll find someone else who can.

I'm not someone who runs a tight ship. I don't double-bag my garbage so that my garbage can doesn't stink. I don't take extra-special care of my yard tools to make sure they don't rust more than they should. I don't have special tools for various projects.

However, I am better than my father at being around the house.

I'm not better than my mom at doing things around the house.

Yes, there's housework to be done. There's yardwork that needs to be taken care of. There's various other things that need attention. I can do them, but how often? At what times?

Apparently, when I decide to do something about things, it's "too little, too late" or something along those lines.

Hell, according to my Mother-in-law, I should magically KNOW what I'm supposed to do, and just do it.

I didn't know that by growing older, you'd gain the knowledge of how to do things, the timing of needing to get things done, and just be able to go out and do them.

So I'm useless, inconsiderate, and a basic jerk.

Not only that, but I'm a lecher.

Yeah.

I like girls. I flirt. I tease.

However, I'm a coward.

I can talk and tease and flirt, but if it came down to it, I don't think I could ever "finish the deal".

Sure, I enjoy the attention. After all, if I didn't, would I have really started writing this blog?

However, this has gotten me in trouble as well. Because I'm not willing to change my behavior, it's hurting my wife, and pushing her further away from me. I tried to hide it, but like any idiot, I've left things out there that have given her probable cause to distrust me yet again.

I can say until I'm blue in the face that I would never do things to dishonor her, but given my penchant for lying, and my love of attention, girls, and flirting, how can she really trust or believe what I say?

My only hope here is that I haven't gone too far. That there's some way, some action I can take that will repair all of the damage I've done.

I want to grow up.

I want to be a man.

I want to be a father. Hell, I've love to be a daddy.

I want to be a husband.

For now, I'd take being wanted.

We'll see what happens.

I'm going for counselling, and I hope I can break the habits.

Until then, I'm going to have to stop blogging, and in doing so, I hope to remove some of the temptation I have for exaggeration, flirting, and what not.

I apologize to you, my reader(s) if this upsets you, but I need to get my life straight.

I hope you can understand, and I wish you all the best.

9 comments:

AirmanMom said...

My prayers that you become the man you want to be, the husband your wife deserves you to be, the dad your children need you to be.
If you find yourself in a place to blog again, we'll be here.
Good luck!
~AM

Dana said...

There is no need to apologize for putting your priorities in order.

I *do* think you are being extremely hard on yourself, but I also know that sometimes that is what's needed to make change.

Don't lose sight of the fact that this path might change. Don't resist that it's not what you thought it should be, but instead embrace and improve what it is!

gottaluvme3 said...

Admitting it is the first step. I appreciate that!

Joker_SATX said...

Knowing who you are and where you are in life is half the battle. If you look at this post realize that in many ways you are like most of us guys and in many ways you are not.

Being able to look in the mirror and realize all of what you have posted takes more strength than you give yourself credit.

Now take that strength and apply it to where you know you need to apply it to.....

Those of us that care...will still be here.

sansayan said...

I have found your writing so great to read. I love it. Keep writing and make it more frequently. And don't get upset. Time will heal your wounds. I always think that no one in this world is indispensable. So don't bother. Just don't do bad things.

Angel1649 said...

I read this and it almost mirrored some things in myself that I'd love to improve upon...I find myself almost to tears while typing this comment. I want to wish you the best to do whatever you must to be happy. But I do enjoy reading your blog as well. I hope you find a happy medium and can use this art form (if it can be called such) to vent, write and express your feelings as necessary.

refugee from reason said...

My father always said, "Stay single and tell your children to do the same."

Siren said...

i have been mia myself, i wish you the best in all you do. i am certain you can do anything you put your mind to and you have a great family by your side to help you along the way. Let us know when your back.

i can understand the video game part, i think i do that in excess myself... i mean i know i do it in excess... ugh!

Better Than Ever said...

Don't beat yourself up, it takes two to fail. But acknowledging your own issues to work on is an amazing step no matter how it turns out. If you can be a better man down the road, THAT is the most important thing. Focus on that.