Sunday, July 4, 2010

Holidays

Well, I used to look forward to holidays. I used to love spending time with friends and family, laughing and enjoying the company of each and every person.

Now? I can't stand the thought of yet another holiday.

Let me tell you why:

I don't have a family to spend it with. Sure, I've got a mom and dad who invite me to things, but only if my brother and his family show up. Then, it becomes a session of waiting for what they're going to do in order to schedule everything around their time. I love my brother, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'd also REALLY like to have something scheduled around MY time for once as well.

Also, since separating from my wife, I don't have someone I really want to spend much time with. I mean, I spend quite a bit of time with my roommates, but they have work schedules and families of their own to spend time with, and I don't want to become some kind of hindrance with their lives. My wife doesn't really want me around, so I'm trying to keep my distance there, and let her move on with her life, since it seems like that is what she's really desiring at this time.

Then there's my kids. I get them, but only for a set period of time, and then they go back to my ex, and I get to return to a cold and empty house. I could try to say that I'm starting to get used to living on my own again, but that would just be another lie.

I hate living on my own. I'm alone. I'm bored. I'm frustrated that there's nothing I can do to fix this feeling. Why? Becuase I'm staying true to my wife until such time as she either cuts me loose, or asks me back. I've sworn to be faithful, so faithful I'll be until she cuts me off from those vows. Who knows? Maybe by then I could care less, and still remain faithful.

The worst part is just sitting, and letting the mind run amok. Feelings, thoughts, memories all flood in and overwhelm me. In order to escape it, I run away to a pretend land of monsters and such.. I play games, and escape reality until something else comes along to divert my mind and attention.

It's not a good coping mechanism, but it's working for me, so I'm going to keep with it.

Hope you all have a great 4th. Celebrate, enjoy, and live vicariously.

1 comment:

AirmanMom said...

Separation/Divorce deserves a mourning period. Please do your best to remain strong in body and mind...you are worth it!
~AM