Sunday, August 4, 2013

Sadness

Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that even though I can fake my way through just about anything and fool quite a few people, I can't continue to fool and lie to myself.

I'm depressed and hurt.

Why?

Let's look at the reasons:

First off, my mother died back in December, and I still really haven't come to terms with that just yet. On one hand, I know she's better off, and that she didn't suffer. However, this also means that there is a very large chunk of my personal life that has gone unfulfilled and unanswered. I will never again be able to try to reconcile my past and my feelings of hurt and inadequacy in this life with the woman who helped create them. I have work unfinished, and no way to be able to complete it. Frustration!!

I have graduated my college courses, I passed with flying colors, and was at the top of my class. However, I don't really have much aside from some papers to show for it, since I can't seem to get a job in my chosen and preferred field, and have instead opted for a job that pays me to sit behind the wheel of a car, and deliver printed packages to clients in an efficient and timely manner. A trained monkey can do the job I work at now, and to think that I spent $50k on my further education to make a better life for myself. I could honestly squee in delight right now.

I moved back in with my dad after my mom passed. Yeah, not really my first choice, but since I didn't have a job at the time, and was not really motivated to do much of anything, it seemed like the best place to go and get my life back on track. However, then my family showed up, and I was juggled around a while so that family had places to stay. I love being on the bottom of the pecking order when other family members decide to show up unannounced, and lay claim to your bed, bedroom, and home for the duration of their stay. I just makes me all warm and tingly with love and happiness.

Finally, I'm having relationship trouble. I don't feel loved. At all. By anyone. There have been quite a few times where I've been told that, yet right after hearing those words, I've had actions that seem to make a mockery of the words. Things like having me move out, or shovel me off to a friend's house so that family can stay in the room I'm in... It's little things like this that seem to bother me the most, and I'm having some trouble trying to move past it all. I don't know why. Maybe I need to get some Prozac, and just drug myself happy.. Who knows?

My sarcasm hasn't slowed down any. If anything, it's gotten more sharp and biting. This is a problem, since I tend to be sarcastic with everyone, and when you have a keen edge on the responses, it tends to drive folks away without meaning to. Just yesterday I told someone I was nearly overfull with joy so much that I wanted to jump off the nearest bridge. Yeah, I got referred to HR and told that if I needed some personal time off work to go speak with a specialist, they would be willing to help support me in getting the help I needed to keep my mind off of suicide.

So yeah, I'm basically a bubbling fountain of joy that reaches out, grabs you by the throat, and tries choking the life and joy out of any given situation.

There. More biting sarcasm for you before I end this and publish it.

Squee.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Resolutions...

Well, it's the new year, but I am not going to make any kind of resolution. Why? Because even though it's a noble idea, usually it tends to set up someone for failure. I base this on the observation that folks make resolutions to change things that are major issues for them. Once they are unable to follow through with these resolutions, they feel themselves unworthy, and since they can't make those "simple" resolutions, they might as well continue on as they were beforehand..

I choose to work on myself in moderation. I don't expect to make overwhelming changes. I don't expect anything special. I just want to make sure I complete each short-term goal that I set for myself, and be satisfied with it.

I mean, I was able to do this these last two years while in classes. I graduated on the 21st of this year with honors, and voted by the faculty as one of the top 5% of the graduating class. I personally felt that I didn't do as good of a job as I could have done, but apparently what I was able to give was more than the faculty expected, and I was honored for my achievements.

Now, I'm in my Bachelor program and attempting to continue the success I have had these last two years. Juggling classes and work is getting more difficult, but I am sure that I'll be able to figure something out.

Now my main focus is on my family, my dad in particular, then classes, and work. We'll see how well I am able to manage these priorities this year.

Best wishes to you all this year!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Home

Just two months ago, I got a voicemail from my dad asking me to call him. When I returned his call, I got some news that shook me: My mom had cancer.

Now, if you have followed and read any of my blog at all, you'll realize that my mom and I haven't had the best relationship, but we had learned how to be amicable to one another, and were actually starting to patch things up between us. This news was not good, and it wasn't going to allow me to get any further kind of closure from my childhood.

Last month, mom started chemotherapy, and it blasted her pretty good. During it all, she would call and ask me how I was, what I was doing, and if I could get away at some point to come up and visit with her. The petulant little boy inside of me came up from the screaming depths, and declined - blaming it on the new job and other hassles that life had thrown my way. I told her I would make time for Thanksgiving, and would come up to visit then. Mom was disappointed in my reply, but agreed. I made my appointment, we had some talks, and we had some celebration, what little we could find with someone in the same room who was ravaged with cancer, and trying not to be sick just from the smells coming from the kitchen. It was a tense Thanksgiving, and I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling and those emotions.

This last weekend, I got a call from my dad. "Come north, we are bringing your mom home to the Hospice Center. The cancer has spread, and they don't know how much longer she is going to make it." I went north. My biggest worry was not on my mom dying, but how the rest of my family was going to be able to handle the stress and loss. My dad has always defined himself through my mom. If we'd ask about any kind of appointment or coming up to visit, he'd want to check with mom to make sure all dates and times were clear. Any decision would be routed through mom, since they made all of their decisions as a team, and no spouse was left not knowing. Similarly, my brother was very close to my mom. They could talk for hours about nothing at all, and at the end of the conversation would determine that they got a lot accomplished. I never understood that connection, and to be honest I still don't get it to this day. How were these two going to handle her loss?

My mind was in overdrive. I couldn't form a coherent thought. All these scenarios and "what-if" statements kept circling in my head. The argument kept coming around to me about "Sure, she's bad now, but there have been plenty of times where someone has seemed to be on Death's door, and makes an unexpected turn around. I'm sure this is going to be one of those times, and I'm going to waste some of my vacation time on a potentially unnecessary trip." Against all of my arguments, I went north to see my dad and brother. Mom was resting, unable to speak anymore due to the illness that had now claimed 40% of her lungs, enveloped one of her kidneys, stained her liver, migrated to her lymph nodes, and nested now in her bones as well. I leaned over the rail of the bed she was sleeping in, took her feverish hand in mine, and whispered to her about how much I loved her, how proud I was to be her son, and that no matter what happens, I would always live and act the way she would want me to.

In that moment, I finally understood that the petty anger and hurts that I was nursing completely paled in comparison to the reality that my mom was destined to leave this world, and that the air needed to be cleared. I gave love and forgiveness, expecting none in return, but knowing that she could hear me, and knew things were right between us.

Early that next morning, about 12:30 in the morning, my brother called me to her room. I rushed there, and the family sang hymns as she struggled for each and every breath. During our singing of "How Great Thou Art", my mom silently passed away, and a peace that I have never seen on her face showed. I knew at that moment she was no longer troubled, and she was finally at rest and at peace. I kissed her head, told her I would see her after a while, and went to console the rest of my family who were there.

Life is short. There are no guarantees about how long you will be in this life. Make the most of each day, live it to the fullest with no regrets, and rejoice when you wake up the next morning able to do so again.

I love you mom, and I am glad you are at peace.

See you sometime soon.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Struggling

I am having difficulties in my life, and because you can't stop me, I'm going to vent about it all on here, and feel a bit better.

As you know from my last post, my mom has cancer, and I have seriously mixed feelings about this.

Now, I am having some more serious issues stemming from this problem.

First, I have a good relationship with my dad, and watching how torn up he is getting over this is really starting to affect me as well.

Then, there's the fact that my brother also has a close relationship with my mom, and he and I are fairly close. So the emotions and feelings that he is going through are really starting to affect me.

Then, we have my girlfriend.

She has a good relationship with her family, and doesn't have near the amount of dysfunction in her family that mine does. Couple that with the fact that her grandmother passed away just a few weeks ago, and she's really on me to try to do extra for my mom.

I don't know what to do.

I want to support my brother and dad. I want to feel more for my mom. I want to make the girlfriend happy and try to patch things up with my mom as well.

I just don't see it all mixing!

Granted, I can bury it all, and just deal with things as they come, but I refuse to let things affect me if I can actually DO something about it.

I know!

I'm going to ignore it all, and hope it goes away!

Excellent idea, if I do have to say so myself....

Of course, you and I both realize that this means there will be MUCH more for me to write about next time, right?

Win-win scenario right there!

Adios

Monday, November 12, 2012

Conflict

I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do.

I am a survivor. I lived through a hell that no child should have to deal with.

I was abused by my own mother while growing up. I craved affection, but dealt with a slap or a muttered insult instead of a hug or a word of kindness from her.

I still have serious hate for some of the things that my mom was able to do to me that I couldn't protect myself from.

Yet for all of that, I still love her, and I still crave that acceptance and love from her.

This last month, I got news that has put my head, heart and life into complete chaos.

I learned that my mom has cancer.

Not just a little bit, her body is riddled with it. Kidneys, liver, lungs.. She's been given approximately 2 years tops before it claims her life.

And I am torn up about how I should feel about this.

One part of me feels justice is being served. Karma has come around, and the woman who was able to put her oldest son in the hospital and cover it up as him being clumsy is reaping what she sewed.

Part of me wants to gloat about her finally having to deal with something that she isn't going to be able to protect herself from, and to see her have to struggle with it like I had to.

Part of me wants to cry out in anger because I'm not able to cause her these problems myself, and get some sort of vengeance personally.

Yet another part of me feels serious loss of someone who I have tried to impress and be accepted by.

And yet the final part of me is struggling to cope with the sadness of not being able to patch my relationship with her and come to some kind of compromise.

Loss? Love? Revenge? Anger?

It's all there. I just don't know which one I feel more of.

And with my life still seemingly out of control, I don't know if I have time to figure it out. I still have classes to deal with, kids to raise, and a job that I have to work. I don't even get a chance to visit her this holiday season because I don't have enough time off of work to see my family.

Maybe resigned is a better emotion?

I don't know. I just hope that I'll be able to sort out these emotions before it does some kind of other damage to me that I can't quantify or cope with.

Wish me luck.. I think I'm going to need it.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Checking in

Well, I should be in bed, but for some reason I just can't seem to get my brain to quit working today.

I am near the end of my classes, graduation is just aroud the corner for my degree. What exactly will a degree do for me? I mean, I have the experience, and now I guess I'll have a piece of paper saying that I have the schooling as well. I have never really understood why a piece of paper is more valuable than the experience of really doing the job, but some companies set more expectations on schooling and classes than on actually DOING the work you go to school for!

I got bad news this month, and I'm still trying to process it.

For now, I'm not going to comment on it, but eventually you all know that I can't keep things just tumbling in my head, and it will eventually make it's way into these pages. Just give me time to think about it all and what my feelings about it truly are. Right now it's so much of a jumble that I don't know what to say, or what to think...

Frustration seems to be the word of the day more than anything else lately.

Working 12+ hours a day, except on Thursdays when I have 18 hours of classes.. What a glamorous life I get to live!

Until my next post, keep reading!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Motivation

Yeah, I'm lacking it.

I can't really get motivated for work, school, kids, even personal stuff.

I could care less right now.

What's going on?

Dunno.

Maybe it's because I want to do things I used to, but my health and body just can't keep up with the daydreams I'm having?

Could be. I doubt it.

Right now, I'm just trying to find my focus again. I need to find that compass, and find my true north so that I can get back on track.

Because right now? I'm kind of lost and just wandering until something catches my attention for a short while.

So I guess you could consider me an ADD hiker right now. Something bright and shiny comes by, and I follow it until the next bright and shiny thing passes by.....

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Hey look! A quarter!