Wednesday, June 23, 2010


You know, when I get irritated, I can't sit still. I have to get up, and move my ass, and DO something.

Today, I'm irritated. I've gone out and mowed the lawn. I did dishes. As soon as my roommate gets his stuff out of the washer and dryer, I'm going to do my laundry. Right now? I'm going to bitch and complain and give my opinion on things.

First off: Relationships.

How is it that two people can come together, decide that they're right for each other, and then have one of those folks try to change the other person for the rest of the time that they're together?

Here's my ideal relationship: Two people meet. They fall in love with each other, flaws and all. They work with each other to compliment and support one another regardless of what comes along. They struggle and cry through the bad times, and they enjoy and celebrate the good times. They share it all, do it all, and plan it all TOGETHER.

More often than not, however, I see it another way. I see it as two folks meeting, loving each other for some reason, and deciding to make a "go" of it. Then these two spend a few years hounding each other about what they need to change, who's responsible for what, and blaming each other for the lack found in the relationship. Then, it flames out, and the two go their separate ways, usually harboring some kind of resentment or hurt over the other person.

WHY? Why do we inisit on trying this? Why can't grown people come to some sort of compromise, and make things work? What gives one person the right to decide what's going to be the norm or example of how a relationship should work, and then force the other person to conform or get out?


To be honest, I don't know.

I'd love to have a relationship where we both were able to give, to work through things, and to struggle TOGETHER to achieve common goals. I'd love to say that even when things are difficult, and times are trying, that my significant other is there supporting and comforting me. I'd love to say that I've got the answers.

The fact is that I don't. I don't have ANY kind of answer. I've got dreams, and I've got hopes, but aside from those, I have NOTHING.

At one time, I'd have told you that I had everything I needed. A happy home. A loving wife. A stable job. Now? I've got a job I haven't started yet. I've got a place to stay, but no home. I don't have a wife, and I've given my kids to my ex, so I've basically lost my family.

My hope is that somehow things will turn out for the better. I don't know what path that will take. I don't know if I'll be able to turn around and find out this was all just a nasty dream, and things have taken a better turn. I don't know if I'll be forced to look elsewhere for that person. Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to even try to find someone. Maybe I'm better off being alone, and trying to make things work on my own. Maybe my problem is that I'm hoping for someone else, when all I really should be doing is taking care of things myself, and let everyone else burn. Who knows?

As of now, I'm resigned. I'm irritated, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted, and I'm out of patience.

We'll see what happens, because you know at some point I'll be back to write or complain some more!

Until then..


Absent Aunty said...

hey, we know how you feel. To go from having everything you wanted (and which is by right due to every person) to having nothing is beyond difficult.

Dana said...

Bait and switch??

Thinking you can live with a behavior that become unbearable?

Feeling that relationships should always be happy?

Convinced the grass is greener?

Like you, I have far more questions than answers.