Mid-Term!

Yes, I'm halfway through my first quarter of classes. Personally, I'm doing well, mainly because for me most of the classes right now are review, and I'm really learning how to get back into the "school" swing of things. However, I'm sure as the year goes on I'll be trying to catch my ass as the classwork and teachings become more in-depth and detailed about my chosen field of study.

As of yesterday, I became single yet once again. So, for the second time I'm now alone, aside from my kids, who are again living with their mom. I try to get to see them as much as I'm able, but with school and the frantic searching for work I really don't get much time to see them as I'd like to.

Speaking of work, I really.. REALLY need to find a job. For those of you who are inclined, I wouldn't frown if some prayers were sent up in my stead for me to find some kind of employment. I'm searching daily, plus using temporary hiring agencies, and the employment services of the school, but so far there's been no joy in Mudville for this blogger.

I hope to start writing a bit more frequently as I get a handle on my schedule and whatnot, but as of now all I can promise is the occasional post while I struggle with the juggling I have to do to get money in my pocket and scribbleing of answers on my homework papers.

Best wishes to all of you, and thanks for the read!

Back, but for how long?

Well, it's official. I'm going back to being single yet again.

However, after seeing another side, I can't say that I'm disappointed.

To be honest, I'm sure that there were flaws and character traits in my wife that I was willing to overlook because of the feelings and love that I had for her. However, with the recent developments and comments and conversations, I've found that I still care for her, but the love has gone.

For the best? I don't know, I really couldn't say.

But for me, it's going to have to be fine, since I've still got things to do, and goals to accomplish.

I'm not dead, I'm not giving up. I'm pressing on, and I'm going to make the best of it.

Just wait.. I'm sure that at some point I'll have enough anger built up to write a few scathing posts and get someone's tail twisted.. Just give me time.

Resignation and Frustration

You know what really sucks?

When you're faced with an inevitable challenge, and you know that you're not going to measure up to be able to meet the goal, regardless of your mindset, or any factors that are in your control.

This is one such time.

I love a person who obviously doesn't love me back.

How do I know this?

Because if they did love me as much as I loved them, then the requests for not talking to them, and the need to run away and hide wouldn't bother me half as much as they do.

However, they are made with regard to their own self-interest, and not with my heart and feelings taken into consideration at any point.

Case in point: Her asking me not to write her emails that talk about things I've found out about myself because they make her feel guilty.

Nothing in that statement has any regard for the insight that I've had, or the pain and self-flagellation I've done to come to these cold hard truths that I've found out about my flawed self.

No, it's because it bothers her that she should feel guilty when she's perfectly happy without me, and is more concerned with burying the past, and heading into whatever future she can forge for herself.

She tells me that she doesn't want to put me through any more pain. However, it's there, and it's not going to go away.

How do I know this?

Becuase there's NO WAY that I'm going to be getting back even a THIRD of what I've lost. I've lost my wife. I highly doubt that she's coming back, especially after she leaves for parts unknown. I honestly think that she'll come to be at some point before then with papers to sign. (In person of course, because she's not going to surprise me with some anonymous letters via officer to sign.)

Then there's the case of my kids. They no longer live with me. I had them, I enjoyed living with them, seeing their faces, hugging them, playing with them, wrestling with them, and just basking in the family glow. I get that now, but only in bits and pieces. If my wife and I were to somehow miraculously patch things together, my kids still wouldn't be there. Even if she and I were to have kids of our own, my three would still be MIA, and there'd be a hole where they once filled.

I know that I should be a pessimist, and figure that everything's going to eventually unravel fairly quickly, and then I'll be "cut loose" from the pain... Yet all that does is enrich the pain I'm feeling.

She tells me that this isn't easy for her. To be honest, I believe her. Yet it's not because it causes her pain to make the decisions. It's not because her love is taking cuts. It's because she doesn't like seeing people in pain.

Read that.. I said PEOPLE. Like I'm just any other passerby on the street. Not someone she shared a life with, or built a home with for an extended period of time.

Now? I'm just some schmuck who can't get it through his head that she's better off without me, and that no matter what I do, or what I accomplish, it's over and done.

The most amazing part is that it was a lose-lose from the beginning. Try to hold on, and she pushed away. Give her the space she asked for, she took more and ran with it. There's no looking back for her. No regrets, no real goodbye, just a "later" kind of wave, and a slammed door in my face. (provebially, of course.. not literally)

There's a part of me that hopes she takes this "newfound" freedom and chokes on it. The anger is really close to the surface most days now, and I find it kind of hard not to lash out at folks for things that really aren't their fault.

There's that part of me that gets a bit psycho. Stalker-like. See what she's up to, drive past her work or house, that kind of thing. I don't do it, but the thoughts and feelings are there regardless.

There's the part of me that doesn't care anymore. The part that wants to curl up in a ball on the bed, and just wait for things to all go away.

There's a part of me that wants to drink and get that numb feeling to make everything managable.

However, I don't give into any of this.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because underneath it all, I'm stubborn enough to just keep on, and let things go. Yeah, it hurts, and the pain is sometimes stronger than I can handle alone. Yet I've got some good friends who are willing to help me get a handle on what bothers me, and not ask questions. They let me handle things my own way, and then make sure that my decisions don't make me regret anything the next day. That, more than anything else, is my saving grace right now.

I know that she's going to read this, and I'm sure that she'll have to explain or defend her choices. However, this IS my perception of what I'm seeing and feeling, nothing more, nothing less.

So, explain all you like.. I'll still probably see some kind of "and this is why I'm never going to come back to you" in the words you write to me here.

No words, just feelings

I'm at a loss.

There's really no other way to describe it. In one short simple phrase, it's gone. My wife, my family, my livelihood.. GONE.

As of yesterday, hope has taken a leave of absence. It's pretty much final. My marriage is over.

How do I feel?

Bewildered. Stunned. Lost.

Yet, I'm angry. Pissed. Upset with myself, and with my wife-soon-to-be-second-ex. I feel terrible for my kids. I feel hounded by my bad decisions and confused by some of her reactions to things that really had no effect on her or our relationship, yet she chose to make them so.

I'm offended.

The last time I talked with her, she told me that one of her major decisions in calling it quits was because of my failure to fight harder to keep my kids.

That comment really kind of pushed me over the edge.

Want to know why?

I can barely afford to keep myself in a small room at a friend's house and pay for my car and cell phone. I can't really pitch much in in the way of groceries, let alone sundries like laundry detergent or toothpaste.

Now, on that limited budget try to figure out how you're going to get medical coverage for three kids, plus feed them, clothe them, pay for their meals while at school or daycare. Hell, try to figure out how to pay for daycare!

I'm not perfect, but I do want what's best for my kids. I can't provide for them on my own, but my ex, she's married and has a stable income and a house to live in. That's WAY more than I can provide right now.

Did I want to let her have them? HELL NO.

However, the choice had been made for me long before I had to start looking. Was I supposed to sit around and daydream about "what if's" and "maybes"? Not where they're concerned. If it was just for myself, I probably would have. I can't afford that kind of time where they're concerned.

To be honest, right now I'm of a mindset that if this marriage ends, she can take from it what she brought into it. That means that my kids aren't going to be seeing her, if I have any kind of say in the matter.

But there's another side of me that knows how much of a caring person she is, and how good of a mother she was to my kids. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile that person with the person I'm seeing right now. I'm trying, but it's DAMN HARD.

So for now, I guess it's just going to be me trying to pick up the pieces I have left, and move on.

Alone.

Comments, queries, and posers..

I was going to write something humorous, but after this weekend, I've decided to go a different route.

My sister-in-law is a great lady. She cares, and does everything she can to help her daughters.

This last year I saw this woman's heart get torn completely in two, and now the pain has come full circle, and she's dealing with the problems and issues that her two daughters, my nieces, are going through.

You see, her husband cheated on her last year, and she's not been the same since.

I've never really liked the man. He was quite judgemental, and really never game me a chance to get to know him, or even attempt to get to know the person I am. Because of this, I was never "good enough" for him or his family.

Now? I could care less about his opinion, as from my point of view he's no better than anyone else. He's a lying, cheating, selfish, good-for-nothing man who only cares about when he's going to get laid next, and if he's got enough cash in his account to keep food in his stomach.

However, this has completely ripped apart my SIL. These two married basically right out of High School. She'd never been with anyone else, and had only known him and the life she'd lead with him in it. Two daughters later, and she was happy knowing that her family was provided for, and taken care of.

All that changed when the truth came out.

She left.

I don't blame her there. How can you stand to be in the same room with someone who's been living a lie? How can you look into their face, and think that they're going to be honest with you EVER again? How can you live in a house where someone else has come in a defiled not only your home, but your sense of security?

Her way of dealing was to get drunk. Quite often.

Becoming so numb that the pain would lessen, and she could unbend enough to find some other man besides her ex to fill the void she had inside of her. (not sexually, you perverts!)

This led her on a merry dance for a while. One guy to the next. Each one she's spout all of these praises about their good traits. But within weeks, the bad stuff would overcome it all, and her suspicions would take over, and the fantasy would crumble.

Imagine her girls, trying to make sense of it all. Hoping that mom would be able to find some place to set down roots. Hoping against hope that the home dance would be over soon. Trying to cope with their own sense of loss and anguish over the split and hurt they could see in their mother and father.

All of these feelings became internalized in the girls. One now has serious anger issues, and I honestly think that she needs counselling in order to get the problem under control. The other has commitment issues, and doesn't trust her partner to be honest with her, regardless of the relationship history. All of this because the ONE MAN they could trust in their lives destroyed it all for a woman.

Yet he still has the gall to claim that his actions didn't cause this, it was brewing from before.

Right now, my SIL has a guy who seems like a nice man. He's sincere, and he's honest. He's got a couple of great kids, and he treats her like the fragile personality that she is.

However, I've got to be honest here.

I'm waiting for the point in time where some fault of his is going to push her away.

I've seen her happy. I've seen her miserable. And I honestly can't see her settle right now. She's got too much going on that she's trying to ignore. There's not going to be any kind of peace for her until she's able to come to terms with this, and it honestly hurts me to have to admit it.

She's met some great guys. Yeah, they've had issues.

Honestly, show me some guy that DOESN'T have issues, and I'll get the campaign set up for him to be the next US President!

But seriously, guys as a whole are screwed up. We mess up TONS. It's genetic, I think.

So guys are flawed, and girls use this opportunity to "fix" them, right?

How does someone who is recovering from a nasty situation like this ever find the strength to try again?

I don't know.

All I know is that I really do hurt for her, and I hope she's able to find peace.

Funny stuff tomorrow, I promise!