Confession

Well, I swore to myself that I was going to leave blogging alone, and not come back. However, since I've basically lied to everyone else, why not myself as well?

This weekend, I get to move what little I have of my own to a new place. Yes, the wife has asked me to move out, and see if we can't start over. However, knowing her mindset, this is basically goodbye, don't bother calling us, we'll call you.

Not only that, but with my limited income, I've had to send my kids back to live with my ex. I _really_ can't stand that part, but there's really nothing else I can do here. I can't ask my wife to watch my own kids while I'm living someplace else, now can I? Not only that, but she and my oldest don't get along at all, and I can guarantee you that she wouldn't deal with that one. Sure, she might be willing for the younger two, but considering that I've got THREE kids, not just two, that deal isn't going to work for me. If I could afford it, I'd keep them with me, but in order to have a house where we could LIVE, I'd need to make twice as much as I do, and prove that I can bring in THREE TIMES that monthly. I hate to admit it, but there really are times where I wish I'd been more attentive in school, and finished it.

I'm floundering. I'm lost. I've heard a song recently that seems to speak directly to me as if I thought it all up, and someone else wrote it all down, and put it to music. The song is by the group The Script, and it's called "Break Even".

Here's a little taste of the song:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin'
Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I've got time while she's got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks well it don't break even

I can relate wholeheartedly to this one set of lines. Yeah, I'm here. I'm functioning. I'm still plodding on day by day. However, I don't have any joy in it anymore. I could really care less how each day turns out, because the next one will be quite similar. Same shit, different day.

I pray for some kind of change. Some kind of sign, some kind of hope. However, I don't believe it will, I don't believe that it can, and I really hold no hope because if there were a God out there, HOW COULD HE LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME TWICE?? No, not once.. TWICE. I've put my heart and soul into changing and becoming a better husband and father. I'm miles away from where I was just 10 short years ago. I know I've still got miles to go. Yet with all of that, I don't care. Why? Because I've lost my family. My kids are at my ex's house. My wife's left me. My real reason for change isn't there anymore. My hope, my will, my desire is GONE.

My wife's at a resort right now trying to change her life. She's working to become more comfortable in her own skin. She's trying to learn how to develop the skills and techniques she needs to operate in this crazy world without losing her sense of self. I'm all for it. She needs that confidence and those skills. Hell, I basically forced her to go when she started talking about putting her trip off for a later date.

Yet, as she stays there, alone, without me, without the stresses of life and family, she gets further and further away, and it becomes much easier to just let us go. Distance does that to us all. Out of sight, out of mind, out of life. She's got the freedom, I've got nothing but time to think about how screwed up I've made this entire thing. I've got nothing but time to think about all of my flaws, my failures, my setbacks, my losses. When your marriage is ending it's really difficult to see any kind of success, you know?

I have a new job. The hours suck. The days suck. It's a nice job, if I can just get over the days and hours that I work. I'm sure I'll be able to at some point, but for now it just sucks balls. Yeah, there's some nice benefits and perks, but all in all, it's a shit job, and we all know it. I've got to make the income somehow, though. Because of this, I'll deal, and hope for something better.

I don't know if I'll write anymore, but this was just me trying to vent, and get things off my chest before I self imploded. I hope and pray that any of my readers don't fall into this problem I have, and that you live life to the fullest, cherishing and enjoying each moment like it was your last.. Because from my viewpoint, it very well could be. Take care, take heart, and be good to each other.

Jorm