More thoughts...

I have decided to become a more active parent.

Since my divorce, the kids have been living with their mom. I have been quite busy with my classes and work, and somewhat neglecting my time to spend with my children.

As of now, I resolve to change that.

To be an effective parent, you need to spend face-time with your kids, and show them that you not only provide for them, but that you want to take an active and vital role with them as well.

I am going to be there for my kids. I am going to provide for my kids. I am going to show to them that regardless of my situation or problems, they are going to take precedence in my life, and that because of them they are helping me to change my life.

My kids are my life. They are my muse. They are my reason.

How about yours?

Tuesday Blues

Well, as some of you know, I work Tuesday through Friday, and have the weekend off, plus Mondays.

So the normal doldrums of Monday really don't seem to affect me as much as others who have to go back to work on Mondays.

However, Tuesdays for me really kind of suck.

As with most things that I plan, nothing really seems to go according to schedule with my weekends.

I had planned on working on the house. It never got done.

I had planned on cleaning up some of my mess outside with brush that I've been trimming. That didn't get done either, because I'm not one for getting soaked outside when it's nice and dry inside.

I'd thought about taking the wife away to the beach for the weekend. That didn't happen because she'd already made plans, and the weather SUCKED this weekend.

So what did I do?

Nothing.

Not ONE thing.

I sat around the house like a lump, and wondered what I was going to do.


I hate weekends like that.

Usually, I solve that problem by going and playing video games (as I've said before, I'm a gamer!) And because of this, games are an end-all solution to problems.

However, I've also noticed that my excessive game playing has caused problems with the family, so I'm trying to "detox" with the excessive gaming, and work on other constructive ways of dealing with things.

So I was able to do this by just sitting around and watching paint dry.

Yeah. I don't think my idea is working too well yet.

Weekends when my kids are gone to my ex's house are really kind of tough on me. When my kids are at the house, it's kind of easy to forget about the games because I can fill my time with things other than the computer or game system. There are young bodies to tickle, wrestle with, and have fun with.

But when they're gone, the house just seems so empty. There's always a mess or two that didn't get taken care of before they left, and so I'm reminded that they're gone (temporarily) and that I'm alone.

Since getting custody of my kids, there's been one major problem that I've had to face. The toughest part about being a divorced father is trying to stabilize my kids with rules and regulations for my home, but those rules can directly clash with the things my ex will enforce.

My wife and I have tried numerous times to talk with my ex, and get us all on the same page. Yet for all of our efforts, things don't change. Sure, she'll (my ex) give us all of the yes-man attitude, and claim that she'll do her part, but when it comes down to basics, she's always done her own thing, regardless of the problems it may cause not only me, but the kids as well.

I had to face this problem when they got back home this weekend.

My oldest is 13. He's feeling his age, and is trying to learn how to mentally grow. I've encouraged his thinking, and I've tried to instill in him a need to provide stability when he can. Yet for all of my effort, there's a side of his personality that I admire, yet find difficult to deal with when he gets back from his mom's house.

That part is what I tend to call his "lawyer" side.

I encourage his questions. I love seeing his mind work through things, and figure out the next step. I don't love it when he argues an issue to death, and even when proven incorrect, will still argue some points that he feels are valid and warrant special attention.

Take this example:

I, as a gamer, have been persuading (read nagging) my wife for an XBox 360. I have friends who play, and I'd love to get some serious multiplayer Halo or Call of Duty going without having to go over to his house each and every time we'd want to play. My son knows this. He's in favor of the idea mainly because he'd love to be able to play along at some point. After all, playing games with the "big boys" means that he's growing up, right?

So this weekend when he got home, he proceeded to argue with my wife about how we needed to get this gaming system, and the valid reasons for it. I personally don't care if we get this system anytime soon, because I've got other things that can fill my attention span, and keep me occupied. My wife doesn't want another game system in the house, as we've already got a Wii and a "regular" XBox, so the two game consoles are plenty for her.

My son wouldn't let up. He argued. He pleaded, and he begged.

I've tried to teach him that when a parent says "no" that it's final. End of discussion. However, while at his mom's house, I know for a fact (because I've seen it) that the other kids in the house don't abide by these rules. They question, the complain, and they outright defy their parents.

How can I set any kind of ground rules for my family when those rules are completely tossed aside each weekend that they leave my house? How can I instill values that are going to be ignored and rejected by the authority figures my children are living with?

I'm not sure.

All I can hope to do right now is keep the faith.

I give them my unconditional love, my promise of safety and security, and my undying support.

My hope and prayer is that they'll see the good, and want to keep the lessons and things I've taught, and mostly block those things that aren't as constructive that they see and live with at their mom's house.

This is the prayer of a divorced father.

2-Fer Tuesday! Confession #1

Yup.. It's that time again..

Here's something I've been thinking about this last week..

I really hate confrontation. I don't know why, but I just do.

I'm not one to get angry or upset very easily when someone tries to "get me started", but I can get angry at the drop of a hat over some things as well. I don't know why, but that's me.

Take this for example:

In my first marriage, there were times where my ex would WANT to get into fights. At these times, she'd pick, yell, scream, cry, and try anything to get me going. Usually, this was a day-long process.

Because of my temperment, I'd deal with her issues, and keep on going.. However, the pot was starting to boil.

Soon enough, I'd get my fill, and I'd pop. Yeah, I'd fight with her.

However, when I'd get to these points, I wouldn't be nice about it..

Newp. I got NASTY.

So we'd fight, it would be down and dirty for all of about 10 minutes, and then it would be over.

I'd then go grouse and grumble about the argument, she'd go and cry and wonder why I could be so mean.... You know how those go.

I guess that's one major reason our marriage didn't work out, but at least I learned something from it..


Now, I've got to be honest here. There are three people on this planet that know how to get me riled up faster than anything else.

Yup. My kids.

Frustration over repeating something 15 times just isn't my bag of tea. I really have no patience with ignorance, and it upsets me to no end.

Yes, I know they're kids, and they'll screw up. I give them this, and because of my temper, I do tend to go back and apologize if I overreact about something.

Here's an example of this kind of behavior:

My daughter and youngest son are barely a year apart in age. Because of this, they tend to play and fight and tussle with each other and their belongings even more than with my oldest son.

Last night, they decided to play Hide and Seek for a while. Everything went well, until my daughter decided that she wanted to pick up my youngest son, and carry him from his hiding spot to the "base".

Not being as strong as she'd thought, she dropped him on her way to the "base", and my son ended up jamming one of his fingers. This, of course, made him cry and scream bloody murder. Because of his crying, she then proceeded to yell at him, and tell him that he wasn't hurt, and that he'd be just fine if he'd stop crying (mainly to get out of being in trouble for hurting him, but heck, it was good advice at the time, don't you think?).

I came into the room, and checked out his hand. While looking it over, I calmly asked him what had happened. (I had been standing in the next room, and had seen everything, but I wanted to get their stories, if only to confirm what I'd seen)

He told me about their game, and my daughter's decision to carry him to their "base". he then told me that she "threw him down" because she was tired. I stopped him, and corrected this, because she didn't just throw him, it was an accident, and she hadn't meant for him to get hurt. I wiped up tears, gave him something to drink, an aspirin for pain, and sent him off.

Now, while this was going on, my daughter was doing something else.

I was checking over his finger, and quietly asking questions. She, however, was screaming at the top of her lungs, protesting that it wasn't her fault, he hadn't been hanging on well, it wasn't her idea, he hadn't fallen on that hand, etc...

After getting my son calmed down, I then turned to this erupting volcano of crying and emotion, and asked her to sit down.

Tears streaming down her face, she did, still proclaiming her innocense.

I knelt down beside her, and asked her for her side of the story. Loudly, she began telling me her side of it. Finding my son, him not wanting to count, her "helping" him get back here, his pushing off of her, and her trying to stop him but he fell anyway.

Since (as I'd told you before) I'd seen what had happened, I tried to correct her, and let her know what parts of her story weren't true.

This then caused another bout of screaming and crying.

That made my top BLOW.

I got up, told her to apologize to her brother, and then go sit in a chair for a while and think about what she'd done.

I don't know where the monster came from, but it took me over completely, and with no remorse.


Then, there's this issue I've got with passive-aggressive stuff, too.

Now, I'm no "man's man" type of guy. I enjoy things: sports, cars, electronics, video games as most stereotypical guys do. However, I wouldn't say that I'm the model of manhood, either.

I'm nothing like my dad. Before he retired, he would work nearly from dawn to dusk, then come home to eat and shower before watching TV for an hour or so just before his bedtime. Little, if any, time was spent with the kids. They usually just got in his way when he needed to get something done.

I'm also not much like my Father-in-Law. This man can't stand still. When he's at work, he's busy with work. When he's at home, he's gotta be doing something around the house.

To be honest, I admire his drive, but it's just not ME.

Right now? I'm sick. I've been fighting this same cough-type flu bug for nearly a month, and I'm getting irritable.

If I were my dad, I'd be taking off work until it was resolved. You can't work and be sick at the same time, so take care of yourself, and everything else will fall into place.

If I were my Father-in-Law, I'd ignore the problem, and eventually it'll all get sorted out. Can't miss work, because you gotta provide for the family.

I'm neither of those. I'm somewhere in between. Yeah, I can ignore the annoying stuff, and keep up with my schedule, because my family depends on me. However, if things get TOO out of control, then I need to take some time and get myself healthy in order to keep my sanity.

Somehow, this annoys my wife. If I tell her that I'm going to stay home from work because I'm sick, I get the eyeroll, a semi-disgusted sigh, and a small lecture about my work attendance, and my needing to manage my time off better.

Last night? I got the speech from her about needing to go see a doctor about my cold.

I don't get it.

Really.

Is she trying to tell me that when it's her suggestion that I'm sick, it's OK to be ill? Or is she trying to tell me that this has gone on long enough that she's tired of listening to it, and wants me to get it fixed? Is it that when _I_ make the announcement that I'm sick, it just must be some way of my wanting to avoid work, so it must not be all that bad?

I don't know.

I don't think I ever really will, to be honest.

I just wish I didn't feel like this right now.

Sorry for this disjointed post, maybe the next one will make more sense!

Are you FREAKING kidding me??

I'm doing something I don't normally do, but because of what's going on in my mind, I needed to get this done before anything else.

Normally, I check my emails, then I read through some blogs before I make my entry for the day.

Not so today.

I dealt with something that has pissed me off so badly, that I needed to get it aired out, and see what you all think.

Last night, we set a new precedent.

We now have an African-American President-Elect.

Me? I'm all for it.

I really hope that he's able to follow through with all of the campaign jargon that he was able to spit out, and not just blow hot air up our collective asses.

I'm not really expecting him to follow through more than any other president we've had, but then again, maybe he'll surprise me!

What really bothered me is this:

My wife's youngest neice has a MySpace account, and we check on her every so often, just to make sure that she's not putting stuff on there that could get her in trouble.

Last night, there was an update stating "The only reason Obama's ahead is because the white folks haven't gotten off work yet".

I had to do a double-take of this.

Then I had to stop and think where she'd be.

I figured it out. She was at her dad's house.

Now, her dad is a hard-working man, but he's also a lying, cheating, racist bigot.

It was very sad to see that his attitude was focused not only on what was happening with the election, but was also severely influencing his daughter.

Once it had been determined that Obama was going to win, there was a new update put on my neice's page..

It read: "Obama might have won, but he'll never live to get into office. When that happens, I'll laugh"

That straw broke the camel's back. My wife called her, and proceeded to chew her butt.

In the background, however, you could hear her dad ranting and raving over having the "N-word" president screw this country over.

I don't know about you, but this nearly sent me over the edge!

I believe in freedom of speech, and the right to bear arms.

I believe that each and every person has the right to vote for who and what he believes in.

I also know that there are racist folks, not only whites, but blacks, hispanics, indians, etc.

I also know that there are more racist than non-racist people in this world right now, and that really bothers me.

I mean, what good is it going to be if we try to claim our independence, but limit ourselves to just going through the motions?

It's like saying that we can cook, but only if someone else does it for us.

Why pawn off the hatred and ire onto your kids?

I might not like some of the things that Obama stands for, but I still believe that he can do a passable job, if given the chance. I intend to give him that chance.

Others have made it clear that they don't want to even see the option, let alone the chance.

Don't foist your beliefs and hatred onto your kids. Let them decide for themselves what is right and wrong. Let them make their own choices for their behavior and responses to race.

Me? I talk with my kids, and I let them know what I believe. I have also told them that they can choose how to act with others. But I caution them NOT to look solely at skin color, but at the person they are first and foremost.

Why do I say this?

Because I myself am of a mixed heritage.

I'm American Indian, German, and Swedish. Now, the white supremacists would applaud my white heritage, while denouncing my American Indian bloodline.

Me? I like the history that is entailed in each bloodline I have.

However, I've also been belittled by some American Indians because of my "white man" mixed blood, and been kicked out of meetings and gatherings by these same folks that I can claim a common bond with.

Thus, I tell my kids to look at the person, and not the color.

Judge someone by their actions, not by race.

Give them a chance, and if hey throw that chance into your face, then you can decide for yourself whether or not they deserve to be where they are.

I intend to give Barack Obama a chance.

He's earned it in my book.

But I don't like hearing the sinister rumblings from small-minded bigots who think that because they're white, they have the final say in what happens in this country.

To be honest, white people are in the minority anymore, and they better start thinking like this, or they're going to get us all in a LOT of trouble, and soon.

God help us if they do something stupid.

Work, work, work

So I've got a question for you all out there...

Have there been days where no matter what you're doing, you still wind up NOT getting the job done that you initially set out to do?

I find that more and more often, I'm unable to complete even the smallest task without being redirected at least 10-15 times.

Take yesterday for example:

My plan was to get the lawn mowed.

Normally, this consists of getting the mower, making sure there's gas in it, starting it up, and off I go.

Yesterday? Had to walk aroud the yard and pick up the toys that the kids left lying ALL OVER the house and yard. After filling up three plastic totes of toy mayhem, I then had to go back and pick up dog doo, mainly because my oldest refuses to stoop to scoop, and so he misses nearly everything the dog does in the yard. Then, I had to move all of the yard furniture that had been set out for our last (aborted) barbecue. In moving the furniture, my wife called out for me to put the chairs in the shed.

Opening the shed, I find that the kids have been throwing their stuff in here, and there's no way on God's green earth that I'm going to be able to get past the doors, let alone put the chairs in the shed. So I proceed to clean the shed, so that the chairs can get put away.

Wife notices the shed getting cleaned, and calls to see if I could also find the spare lightbulbs and a small screwdriver.

Screwdriver? Yes. Seems she's lost something in the dryer, and needs to take off the backing in order to get it back. Open tool chest, enter house.

By this time, there's a half-clean lawn, a mower full of gas sitting outside the shop, and kids stuff sitting outside the shed.

I fix the dryer problem, replace lightbulbs, and clean up the rest. I return the screwdriver to the tool chest, and proceed to continue cleaning out the shed. I stumble upon some blackberry killer that I'd bought a year ago to help kill out the menace that is growing in my hedges. Realizing that delay only lets this beast grow stronger, I then put on gloves and a face shield, and go and spray the evil blackberry bushes. I then throw away the old bottle (recycle of course!), wash up, and head back out to clean the shed.

I finally get the shelves cleared that the kids' toys need to go on when my wife calls me for dinner. I go inside, clean up, and eat. Then I help with washing dishes. My wife tells me that she needs to run, because she's got a dance class, then she's going to get some groceries, and then she's running over to a friend's house to watch the finale of one of "her shows". I look outside, and dusk is rapidly approaching.

I finish the dishes, get kids ready for bed, and then rush outside and throw all the kid stuff into the shed, and push the mower back into the shop. I then swear to myself that I'll get it done.. Tomorrow.

Well, here's to hoping!