Just more thoughts and wonderings

Today, I've got TONS of serious questions running through my mind.

Last night, the wife and I had another "talk" about our marriage, and how things have been.

If you aren't keeping current, we've been on a bit of a rocky patch these last few months.

I personally think that us trying to get pregnant is adding to this problem, but she's in denial about that, so I'm just smiling and nodding.

One reason for that problem? Well, I was previously married, and I am in sole custody of the three kids from that marriage. Two boys, one girl. Now, when the last one was born, it was decided between myself and my ex that I'd get a vasectomy done. I didn't see a problem in this, so seven weeks after my youngest was delivered, I was snipped. Nothing horrible about that story, mainly because I had a professional surgeon do the work, and I was back up and functioning within a week.

Then came the cheating problems with my wife, and the lies and abuses that I found out about.

Thus the reason why I took the kids, and have never looked back. We got legal custody about five years ago, and they have been much more stable and structured with the love, care, and necessities that my home provides.

About that same time that I was granted custody of my kids, I met my present wife. She's a great person. She's helped me through some difficult times, allowed me to make mistakes, and learn from them, and basically helped me become a much better father to my children.

Just before we got married, the topic of children came up. She wants to be a mother of my kids, but she would also like some kids of her own. It's been one of her dreams.

Now, I'm a guy. Plain and simple. You tell me you want kids? That translates to me as you want to have sex. DING DING DING! Winner, winner, winner!

Thus, I agreed to a reversal of my vasectomy, and the attempt at making another part of the family.

The reversal didn't go as well. Infection, bad suturing, and some unforseen consequences took it's toll. However, I'm still around and kicking. However, because of these problems, the sperm counts are quite low.

Then in come the fertility specialists. This one saying that she needs to be standing on her head. That one, we're both too fat, and need to lose nearly 80 pounds each. This next one? That we're not having enough sex (preach on! I liked this one) and need to keep at it more often. Another? That we need to do artifical things in order to get the ball moving.

Well, we finally agreed to have her start pills, and then monitor her monthly cycle. Then we got this nifty pager number so that when things start "going green", we'll get a call, rush down to the lab, and get some fun stuff done.

But a roadblock has now hit.

As per my last rantings about our marriage, she's still depressed. The biggest problem here is, I don't know how to help.. AT ALL.

I love this woman. I'd do or say anything and everything at all that I can possibly think of if it would help her in any way, shape, or form.

However, this isn't an option this time.

She's seen a psychiatrist, once, and was asked to keep a small 3x5 card. On it, she was supposed to make a tally mark for any time that she felt anxious or worried about something. This then took on a serious pattern. Here's that pattern.

On the days when she had to work late, and I was left at home with the kids, she had TONS of tally marks about things she'd worry about. If I got home on time. If I'd help the kids with schoolwork. If I'd made dinner. If I'd gotten kids off to practice/dance/friend's house. The list goes on and on. On those days, when she'd get home, she'd stay home, and basically debrief me on how I did that day.

Now, on the days when she was home, and able to control that? No marks. NONE. However, these are the days when she felt that she needed to get out, and leave. In her words "The house doesn't seem like a home to me".

Thus, she worries when she's not in control, but when she's in control, she stresses, and has to get out of the situation.

This, to me, is a no-win situation.

I have done everything in my power to help, but to be honest, it's not in my hands.

I don't know what she's going to choose, and I don't know how she feels about us, and our marriage.

I do know that I love her, and I only want what's best for her.

If she feels that what's best for her is to finally call it quits? Well, it will tear me to pieces, but because of my feelings, I'll let her go.

Pray for me, if you belive in that, because I need to find some strength to be a dad to my kids, even with the hell I'm emotionally going through.

I'll write more tomorrow.