Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Sobriety Check..

Thanks to The Nemesing One, I'm inspired to talk about one of my run-ins with the Boys in Blue (and girls!)

Back before I got this awesome office job where I deal with every braindead creature on the face of the planet, I was a hard-working grunt who kept down three jobs.

One of these was working on the weekends as a DJ for a local bar. I'd get in around 6pm, set my stuff up, have a beer, then play music all night until closing at around 2am. Then I'd pack up my gear, and shove off for bed so that I could be up in time for my 8am shift.

This particular night was a busy one. The place was packed as soon as I walked in the door. I set my stuff up, and tried for a beer, but the bar was so crowded that I didn't bother.

Soon the joint was rocking, and I was having a grand time. All too soon, the time had come to tear down the equipment, and head for home.

Ears ringing, I set the cruise control, and relaxed a bit by blasting some screaming metal from the radio and rolling down my window.

Suddenly, I see red and blue lights behind me. Pulling over, I fish around and get my information.

The officer takes my info, and scans it all over, and then asks me that fatal question:

"Do you know why I pulled you over this evening?"

I take a few (8 or so) calming breaths. At this point, it's not a good idea to be a smartass to someone who can give you a FAT ticket.

"Not really, officer" I reply.

"I clocked you going 45 in a 35 zone" he says.

"That's strange" I answer. "I had my cruise control set, and I didn't think those increased your speed for no reason."

That answer got me "the look". Flashing his light into my face, he then asks me "Have you had anything to drink tonight?"

"Sadly, no" I respond. "I did try to get my beer, but it was so busy that I just forgot about it."

Here's a tip.. Never admit to a police officer that you even wanted a drink. Just that is enough of an excuse for what is about to follow...

Becuase of that answer, I got to have a nice pop-quiz sobriety check. Now, the tests aren't difficult, but I'm not the most coordinated guy sober.. Because of this, I was forced to blow into his portable breathalyzer.

After about 8 tries, I'm out of breath, and he's still thinking that I'm one drunk who knows how to hide that I've been drinking. I don't blow anything, I don't smell like alcohol, but I sure can't pass any of his tests..

Eventually, I resort to begging. "Look, I have to get home so that I can get into bed and possibly get 5 hours of sleep before I have to be to work in the morning. Can we please finish this?"

That gets me another look, and then something flashes in his eyes. "You're the DJ from the bar, aren't you?" he says.

I nod.

"You can go. Watch your speed."

At this, I just about lose it, but I compose myself enough to wait until he's gone before kicking, screaming, and trying to tear the headrest off of my passenger seat in frustration. After calling him and every other officer in the God-forsaken podunk town I'm stuck in every name in the book I could think of (and a couple of made-up ones too) I head for home.

25 miles later, I'm hearing harps ring. I'm seeing angels with fluffy white pillows and comfortable sheets beckoning to me. I'm nearly home!

Enter red and blue lights, take 2.

I pull the car over, and reach into the passenger seat for the information I'd left there after my last encounter.

The officer walks up to my window, looks me and my car over, and asks the famous words:

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Answering quickly, I replied: "Because you forgot to ask over the radio if any of your other buddies had pulled me over earlier tonight?"

I blame this lack of self-control on being sleep deprived. My mouth tends to get me into some interesting situations.

"Please step out of the car, sir. Have you been drinking tonight?"

Oh joy...


Anonymous said...


That is fucking hilarious.

Twice in one night.. oh god.

Jormengrund said...


I'll make sure to tell the one about the month-long stalking I dealt with as well, just not today!