Thursday, December 11, 2008

Thursday's Lecture

Last week, I was talking about how differently men and women see things.

Guys are very physical creatures, while women are more mental and vocal.

Today I'd like to talk about something else in a relationship.

Communication.

If you can't talk to each other, how exactly do you expect the relationship to last?

Now, I know this is going to sound stereotypical, but in "general" terms, men say exactly what is on their minds, while women tend to insinuate and lead conversation.

Don't ask me why. I don't make the rules here.

Guys are direct and to the point. Point A to Point B. Get it over with, done, job's done, check, move on.

Girls? Well, not so much.

First, let's talk about this.. Does this make you think of anything? No? How about this? Now are you getting it?

Sad fact is that communication between the sexes is like comparing simple addition to trigonometry.

For guys, it's 1+2=3.

For girls? 3x2 + x - 2 = 0

It's sad, but that's the basics.

In order to understand what a woman is trying to convey, either you need to read between the lines, and solve her equation, or you have to cheat, and straight up ask her what she's trying to tell you.

Let me put you straight guys: Try to solve it as much as you can!

Asking a woman to explain what she's trying to say is like asking her how much she weighs.

Don't do it.

Just don't.

Try to be an active listener. Repeat back things that you pick up that seem to be important. This actually means that you've got to at least follow the conversation, and not just pick out some words that you hear while you're watching the game.

Ladies: If you want to have your guy listen, try to also understand his weaknesses.

Don't start talking seriously with him while he's watching the ballgame, or playing a video game, or is in some other distracted frame of mind.

All this will do is frustrate BOTH of you. Him for trying to concentrate, and yet try to show you he's paying attention, and you for thinking that he doesn't care about your concerns, just his game/video/food, etc.

If you need to talk, see about setting up a time when you can both sit and relax. Set a mood. Let him/her know how serious this means to you.

Girls, even though it's really not in your nature, try to be more direct and to the point. Yes, sometimes this means being blunt. However, with honesty being the best policy, I don't really see how he can be offended if you're trying to actively be open and honest in your relationship?

Guys. You've GOTTA listen.

That's it. LISTEN.

Don't try to find something to fix. Don't offer advice unless asked for. Nothing.

Just. Listen.

90% of the time, women really only talk to air what's on their minds and hearts. They're not asking for someone to fix it, or give them advice. They're actually processing their emotions and feelings while communicating, and this helps them fix the issue themselves.

Take this example:

My wife sat down to talk with me one morning. Something was bothering her, and she needed to tell me about it. Me, being the all-wise and all-knowing guru decided to appease her, and waited for her to tell me her problem.

While she was talking, I noticed something interesting that kept me from turning into "Mr. Fix-It". I noticed this:

While she talked to me about her problems, answers that she knew but didn't want to face kept creeping into her talks. She'd address these feelings as they came up, and her conversation would take a turn.

I literally watched my wife start talking to me about a problem she had, and watched her talk herself completely through the problem without me really saying anything at all.

That's right.

The man who knows how to fix it all stayed mute, and helped her fix her problem.

Most of the time, we all know how to solve the problems that face us. The major problem is admitting that we're willing to pay the price to get it done.

Maybe it's telling the truth after so many years of lies and coverups.

Maybe it's admitting that you're not feeling the same way as you used to.

Whatever it is, usually the answer is painful, secretive, or dark.

Now, this isn't always the case, as there are many other reasons to talk.

Maybe she's wanting some kind of input on your finances.

Granted, she might completely ignore this input, but at least she feels that you know your money's in good hands when she's keeping you "in the loop".


Now comes the biggest problem in communication:

Guys.

Yup. Me and my gender are the biggest problem in communication.

Why? Because we tend to assume.

"She should know I love her because I provide for her as best as I can!"

"How can she feel unloved when I do all of this stuff?"

Ever hear these?

We need to learn to communicate, and not just show by actions and deeds.

Yes, the actions are great, and appreciated. However, remember my definiton at the beginning?

If you're trying to show love to a man, then actions will suffice.

BUT! If you're trying to show your love to a woman, then you need to TELL her. Frequently.

Why? It's part of the mental stuff, guys!

Get this:

A woman who is poor but happy will have a husband who works his tail off for the little amount that they have, but also comes home to tell her how wonderful she is, and how happy she makes him feel.

I can also give you plenty of instances where rich women have turned to other lovers because even though they have nearly anything and everything they could think of materially, the husband isn't around enough to give her the time of day, and she feels neglected and unappreciated by her spouse.

Let's see.. Rich and miserable, or poor and happy?

I'll bet most women would be willing to deal with pinching pennies if it meant that they were in a relationship where he was able to make her feel alive, loved, and a vibrant sexual creature.

Anyway, that's my soapbox lecture for this week.

Never forget to talk. Guys need to learn this skill in order to make a relationship work, and ladies need to learn a new dialect when talking, so that they can actively communicate with the opposite sex.

Thanks for reading, and I'll talk with you all again next week!

Oh, for your listening pleasure, I've included this great little ditty!

Enjoy!

8 comments:

georgie said...

stoppin by to see if you are my SSCSI partner...i will be back

Another Suburban Mom said...

Very good advice. Thank you!

unfinishedrambler said...

The only thing I am confused about is at the end, you said never to forget to talk, but then you said to remain mute. So which is it? It doesn't seem like we can win for trying.

Jormengrund said...

rambler:

The key here is to know when to open the mouth, and when to keep it shut.

Best advice? When in doubt, keep the mouth SHUT.

Larissa said...

Here here! Thankfully, it seems SOME man out there *gets it.* =P

Jormengrund said...

Larissa:

Now, I never claimed to "Get it" because if I did, then I wouldn't be blogging about the problems wifey and I have from time to time..

Actually, I talk a GREAT game, but when it comes to playing..

Well, I cheat! :P

liz said...

Men aren't the only ones who have trouble listening while watching TV, etc. My bf gets so frustrated with me because he'll tell me stuff when I'm reading, watching TV, whatever and apparently I nod and say uh huh, but then later I have no recollection of the conversation. I try to pay better attention, but if the TVs on, forget it. I'm hopeless.

Siren said...

it would help if they were looking at my face when i am talking and not my tits... i know! i know! i need to lower my standards. (kidding, or maybe not)

very good post your right communication is key to any type of relationship.