Back, but for how long?

Well, it's official. I'm going back to being single yet again.

However, after seeing another side, I can't say that I'm disappointed.

To be honest, I'm sure that there were flaws and character traits in my wife that I was willing to overlook because of the feelings and love that I had for her. However, with the recent developments and comments and conversations, I've found that I still care for her, but the love has gone.

For the best? I don't know, I really couldn't say.

But for me, it's going to have to be fine, since I've still got things to do, and goals to accomplish.

I'm not dead, I'm not giving up. I'm pressing on, and I'm going to make the best of it.

Just wait.. I'm sure that at some point I'll have enough anger built up to write a few scathing posts and get someone's tail twisted.. Just give me time.

Exhastion

I'm tired.

Beat.

I can hardly keep my eyes open to type this, and my arms feel like lead.

I'm grabbing up as much overtime as my job allows, and it's really starting to take it's toll on me. The commute isn't bad, but when you've got an hour to drive to work, plus an hour back, and you add in the 16-ish hours of work... It really adds up, and leaves little time for sleep or eating.

I'm trying to keep myself busy. I'm trying not to think. I'm trying to fill my time up so much that I won't get started on what's happening, and eventually it'll just happen, I'll keep working, and it'll be over. 'Nuff said, right?

Wrong.

I'm trying to kid myself, but even with all of this work, I still can't get over the pain, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the anger, and depression.

I just don't know if I'll ever get over this. I don't know if I really want to, either.

But the fact is that if I don't start getting some better sleep and taking better care of myself, they'll be scraping up what's left of me out of some wreck on the interstate. I can't afford to do that to my kids.

So, less overtime, less of a paycheck, and more time to think about my screwed up life in general.

You win some, you lose some....

Resignation and Frustration

You know what really sucks?

When you're faced with an inevitable challenge, and you know that you're not going to measure up to be able to meet the goal, regardless of your mindset, or any factors that are in your control.

This is one such time.

I love a person who obviously doesn't love me back.

How do I know this?

Because if they did love me as much as I loved them, then the requests for not talking to them, and the need to run away and hide wouldn't bother me half as much as they do.

However, they are made with regard to their own self-interest, and not with my heart and feelings taken into consideration at any point.

Case in point: Her asking me not to write her emails that talk about things I've found out about myself because they make her feel guilty.

Nothing in that statement has any regard for the insight that I've had, or the pain and self-flagellation I've done to come to these cold hard truths that I've found out about my flawed self.

No, it's because it bothers her that she should feel guilty when she's perfectly happy without me, and is more concerned with burying the past, and heading into whatever future she can forge for herself.

She tells me that she doesn't want to put me through any more pain. However, it's there, and it's not going to go away.

How do I know this?

Becuase there's NO WAY that I'm going to be getting back even a THIRD of what I've lost. I've lost my wife. I highly doubt that she's coming back, especially after she leaves for parts unknown. I honestly think that she'll come to be at some point before then with papers to sign. (In person of course, because she's not going to surprise me with some anonymous letters via officer to sign.)

Then there's the case of my kids. They no longer live with me. I had them, I enjoyed living with them, seeing their faces, hugging them, playing with them, wrestling with them, and just basking in the family glow. I get that now, but only in bits and pieces. If my wife and I were to somehow miraculously patch things together, my kids still wouldn't be there. Even if she and I were to have kids of our own, my three would still be MIA, and there'd be a hole where they once filled.

I know that I should be a pessimist, and figure that everything's going to eventually unravel fairly quickly, and then I'll be "cut loose" from the pain... Yet all that does is enrich the pain I'm feeling.

She tells me that this isn't easy for her. To be honest, I believe her. Yet it's not because it causes her pain to make the decisions. It's not because her love is taking cuts. It's because she doesn't like seeing people in pain.

Read that.. I said PEOPLE. Like I'm just any other passerby on the street. Not someone she shared a life with, or built a home with for an extended period of time.

Now? I'm just some schmuck who can't get it through his head that she's better off without me, and that no matter what I do, or what I accomplish, it's over and done.

The most amazing part is that it was a lose-lose from the beginning. Try to hold on, and she pushed away. Give her the space she asked for, she took more and ran with it. There's no looking back for her. No regrets, no real goodbye, just a "later" kind of wave, and a slammed door in my face. (provebially, of course.. not literally)

There's a part of me that hopes she takes this "newfound" freedom and chokes on it. The anger is really close to the surface most days now, and I find it kind of hard not to lash out at folks for things that really aren't their fault.

There's that part of me that gets a bit psycho. Stalker-like. See what she's up to, drive past her work or house, that kind of thing. I don't do it, but the thoughts and feelings are there regardless.

There's the part of me that doesn't care anymore. The part that wants to curl up in a ball on the bed, and just wait for things to all go away.

There's a part of me that wants to drink and get that numb feeling to make everything managable.

However, I don't give into any of this.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because underneath it all, I'm stubborn enough to just keep on, and let things go. Yeah, it hurts, and the pain is sometimes stronger than I can handle alone. Yet I've got some good friends who are willing to help me get a handle on what bothers me, and not ask questions. They let me handle things my own way, and then make sure that my decisions don't make me regret anything the next day. That, more than anything else, is my saving grace right now.

I know that she's going to read this, and I'm sure that she'll have to explain or defend her choices. However, this IS my perception of what I'm seeing and feeling, nothing more, nothing less.

So, explain all you like.. I'll still probably see some kind of "and this is why I'm never going to come back to you" in the words you write to me here.

There's guilt, and then there's GUILT.

I'm feeling like crap now.

The wife and I had a "talk" this evening, and I'd really rather have gone somewhere and driven rusty nails into my hands and eyes.

The gist of the talk is that she's moving. Away. Without me. WAY out of town.

Technically, we're still married, but I can feel the divorce papers coming my way at any given time. She's happier.. (hell, 90% of separated and divorced women say this.. Thanks Rutgers!) She's going to be moving to a larger town with her neice who's going away to college.

To be honest, I can't blame her. She didn't go to college. She didn't get to have wild college parties and live on the edge. Now? She's going to be able to experience it all.. And I can't really blame her. In fact, I envy her.

Yet it also seems to me that she's running away. Running away from the kids, me, the town, her family (aside from her niece).. Running away from anything and everything that might resemble her life with me. I actually feel like a piece of garbage that's been tossed out for the truck to come pick up, but nobody INCLUDING the garbage man wants to deal with me!

Then I also was asked not to be sending her anymore emails. Now, I have written her a couple of times when I've had some eye-opening revalations about myself and the skills that I've lacked for our marriage. I've admitted where I've failed, and I've told her all about it.

Yet somehow this makes her feel guilty.

Why?

The guilt lies with me, not her! How is it that my coming to realize that I've been a complete failure and screw-up causes someone else to feel guilty?

The guilt and fault is mine.. Don't try to take it upon yourself to feel for someone who doesn't deserve your guilt or pity.

So, now I'm left with the quickly fading options:

No family. The kids are with their mom. I get to see them when I'm not trying to fill my time with work. Soon, no wife. She's leaving town at the end of the year, and I don't think I'll see her again because I highly doubt she's going to be looking back.

So, what's really left?

That's a question that right now I'm not in a mindset to answer or think about.

I'm in the wrong!

As some of you may or may not know, I moonlight as a DJ so that I can bring in extra cash, and help meet some of my weekly expenses.

This time, I was the MC for a wedding.

I don't know about you, but with the stuff that I'm going through I'm finding it difficult to find happiness in someone else's joy. I mean, usually when I'm doing these kind of things, I recall happy memories, and I'm able to at least enjoy myself to a degree while technically working as the "sound guy".

Today was something a bit different.

I listened to the message while these two young people were wed. Taking the words to heart, I've come to realize that I've seriously wronged my wife, and I'm here to try to apologize and somehow figure out a way to make amends.

First off, I've taken her for granted. I've assumed that she's there to take care of the kids when I'm not home. I've assumed that she'll do the housework that needs to be done. I've assumed that she'll take care of everything, and I'll do what I remember to do (most of the time) and everything will be fine.

This is the first of many mistakes I've made. I need to be there and be doing just as much as she had been doing. I needed to step up and take charge of the kids. I needed to be there and do work around the house when I've seen that it needed to be done. I need to be more accountable for the things, large and small, that go hand in hand with living with a family.

Secondly, I've failed to keep the marriage thriving. I haven't kept the romance kindled. I haven't made her feel like the cherished person that she is. I've assumed that she knows it, but I've never really DONE anything to SHOW her. I haven't made her feel loved, wanted, pursued.. I needed to do all these things and more, and yet I haven't.

Lastly, I've failed to communicate effectively with her. Nearly each and every discussion we had led to some kind of defensive action on either her or my part. We were never able to talk and just listen to the other. Communication is so vital to a marriage, and with that vitality missing, it's really no wonder that it's basically dying right before my very eyes.

I've come to realize all of this, yet somehow it seems like too little, too late. Why is it that some of the most important lessons you learn tend to be AFTER you need it?

I've still got a sliver of an opportunity, but the outcome of that chance isn't in my control, so I don't know if this insight is really going to matter or not. However, it's a lesson that I'm taking to heart, if only to be able to pass on this knowledge to my own sons as they get old enough to find brides of their own.

Love your spouse. Cherish them. TALK with them. Make them feel needed and adored. Make time to spend with them.. Do this, and the marriage has much better odds of overcoming adversity as it comes. Let them slide, and you'll end up where I'm at.

Do me a favor, and work on the marriage.. You don't want to be in my shoes.

All over but the bleeding...

Yeah. It seriously looks that way. I've tried to talk, I've tried to change, and I've tried to do whatever I could to breathe life into the corpse that is my failing marriage.

However, without the life spark from the other side, things just won't happen.

She admitted to me that she doesn't love me.

So I'm throwing all of my love, my energy and desire at a rock.

For me, this is the end. I'm not going through this again. I CAN'T go through this again. I honestly don't know if I could take it.

So, I'm working on bettering myself for my kids and me. I'm going to see through my obligations and responsibilities, and I'm going to just be.

I'm not going to look for anything else. I'm going to work, I'm going to play and be with my kids, and I'm going to eat and sleep and do whatever else is necessary to get me from one day to the next.

I'm not going to look for someone else. I refuse to open myself up to someone else who could crush me. I let down my lies and defenses for one person, and in that moment of weakness I was all but destroyed. Never again.

The walls are going back up, and the impenetrable fortress of my heart and emotions will remain safe and secure.

Beliefs

You know, I'm quite the firm believer in the human spirit.

I believe that if we put our minds to whatever we desire, the only thing that can keep us from achieving that desire or goal is ourselves.

I also am a believer in God. I believe that he's out there, and that he cares deeply for me.

I've been critiqued a few times on this blog for needing to "get back" to faith, and "get right" with God.

To be honest, God and I are on good working terms. I'm not really in good cahoots with the human aspect of his religion, though.

To be honest, the church can kiss my ass.

I feel closer to God by walking my dogs, seeing the sunrise, and appreciating this wide wonderful world I've been put in.

I don't feel closer to God when I walk into a building, and get put into some kind of cookie-cutter social ladder. You know the type: "This person seems to know how to pray and read the Bible, so they're holy and righteous, but not as much as me, and definitely not on par with so-and-so" ad nauseum. Is there seriously a religious pecking order? Do we have to be "Holier-than-thou" in order for our faith to impact people?

I say no. Actions speak much more loudly than words. There are christians that I would LOVE to emulate. Their faith, their beliefs, and their joy for life and love are something I've yet to find, but am desperately seeking.

However, there are also christians out there who seriously give the title a black eye. It's these hypocritical ones who have basically chased me off, and made me swear that I'm not going back. It's these types of people who are probably the basis for all of the other Christian sects that we find, and maybe even a few offshoot religions as well.

I don't think that they really MEAN anything by their religious stupidity, I just think that they don't know any better. As the old adage says "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

I'm sure that they mean well, they just don't follow through with it, and in doing so they cause more harm than any good that can come out of the situation.

I believe in the sancitiy of marriage. I believe that two people can work as a team, and make more out of their lives and love than any one person can honestly hope to achieve. I believe that no outside force can separate these two if they believe in each other, and support one another.

I believe that there's a reason for anything and everything that happens to us. We adapt, we move on, or we wither away and die. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

I believe that I lost track of where I was going with this post..

Because of this, I believe that I will close now, and just let the dust settle for a while...