The "Missing" Holiday revisited

Well, I don't know what's going on, but the push for more and more merchandising has buried Thanksgiving YET AGAIN!

I'm lost.

I mean, before Halloween was over, there were TONS of stores in my area all decked out in Christmas lights, tinsel, and other decorations.

Before Halloween was over!!

I don't get it anymore. When did the "almighty" dollar mean more than personal values?

I mean, the dollar really isn't that valuable when you think about it. I'd much rather have Chinese or Indian currency right now.

I want there to be some kind of major grass-roots push to rekindle the love of Thanksgiving.

I mean, it's a perfect transition from "greed and gimme" Halloween to the spirit of giving with Christmas.

With Thanksgiving, you're thankful for all the blessings you have. Friends, family, food, life, love, happiness!

Without it.. What are the holidays all about if not to stuff the pockets of some nameless, faceless shopkeepers?

Who's with me? Who is willing to get folks to push back, and WANT to recognize Thanksgiving not just as a "free" paid holiday, but one that is worth some extra attention?

Happy Veteran's Day!

This time of year, I always get a bit nostalgic. I have friends and family that have served, and I have many others I have known who have gone out on duty to only return in a box. I count myself EXTREMELY fortunate that I am still among the walking, living folk, and not a memory. Time once was, I would have rushed head-long into a fight, and not given a second thought to what I might lose.

Even today, I have a difficult time thinking of my time as valuable. I consider myself a throw-away value, and it takes many people by surprise. How can I value myself so little?

Easy.

I'm a survivor.

I've lived through things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

But that doesn't seem to explain it all, either.

I know plenty of other folks who have lived through what I did, and can easily think of themselves as worthwhile investments of time and effort. Why should I consider myself differently?

Because I don't know HOW I made it.

There were plenty of times when I wished it would end - permanently for me - and be done with it.

Because I was so willing to give up then, I've developed a lack of regard for myself, my time, and my actions.

What others would consider an extravagant sacrifice of time and energy, I see as just one more thing I can help with.

Why?

Because I consider each and every day that I am alive yet one more day on loan. I feel like I died quite a while back, and now I'm given - by grace - even more time on this earth.

This isn't _my_ time. This is _His_ time, and I'm just here getting to enjoy the side benefits.

This isn't to say that I'm a saint.

I'm not. I have some serious faults.

But by grace, I'm alive, and able to give what I can and what I am able to others.

This is what I struggle with, and I wish I were more appropriately appreciative of what I have.

 - Jorm

Post-Democalypse 2014!!!

Well elections are over, and I am still wondering if this country is going to wake up, or if we're going to still walk around in a kind of post-sleep haze.

I mean, yes, there have been changes made. However, I don't see any glaring differences between the folks we've voted into office and those of the folks leaving office.

We've put new plans into motion, and stopped some from being enacted. However, I don't see any REAL good coming out of the plans being put into motion, and I don't see any real value in stopping the ones that were denied.

What has happened to this nation of ours?

When did we stop being accountable for our actions, and instead use "the other guy" as an excuse why things didn't get done?

What is honestly stopping us from making the right decision?

Why can we not take affirmative action, and GET THINGS DONE without having some small extremist group whine, bitch, cry and moan about it, and get national media attention on the small group while the large group sits there, takes the beating, and then gives up on the project?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

I'll tell you.

Me, in my infinite wisdom, will enlighten you as to what is happening with this country of ours.

We have become yet another Rome.

We are no longer a Democracy. We are a Republic.

I think we've been a Republic for much longer than we're willing to admit, but the truth is that those people with wealth and power are dictating policies in this country, NOT the people themselves. The rich and powerful are getting more rich and powerful with each day, while the working class and poor work harder, longer, and get even more poor.

How soon until like Rome, this nation collapses?

Not much longer, if our national debt has anything to say about it.

I mean, COME ON! 17 TRILLION dollars in debt??

And yet we keep authorizing 4-7 BILLION dollars in spending, and consider it "good spending".

How far would that get you in your own home budget?

If you owed $110,000 for your home, and you kept spending $300,000 annually instead of paying off your house, what would the bank do?

If you needed to pay $1200 a month for utilities and bills, but you kept spending your entire paycheck on guns, food and gas instead.. What would happen?

THIS.. This is what is happening to our country.

We spend on things, and we ignore the problem. We don't budget, we spend it. We don't plan, we react. We don't enforce, we just make more rules.

Let's outlaw everything! That way, our population that is law-abiding will be breaking the rules just like the criminals do, and it'll be easy for our police force to meet their arrest quotas!

I mean, if we make more laws, criminals will start being afraid that they're breaking a law.. right?

We need to wake up. We need to get vocal. We need to take action.

Our initial founding fathers and leaders didn't ascribe to just ONE political party. They stood for one thing.. Our Country.

Not an ideal, not a party, not a special interest group.

We need to get back to that way of thinking. We need to embrace that we have ONE thing our leaders need to be accountable to.

I could care less if a man (or woman) politician is some self-serving whore, as long as they're voting and doing what it takes to make and keep this nation healthy and viable.

I mean, Thomas Jefferson wasn't the biggest saint I've ever read about, but his planning and ideas were above reproach for this country.

Obama? He's just a good teleprompter reader.

Let's regain focus, and get back to what really matters.

I'll leave you with this video.

http://youtu.be/ZPHSXUS0_1c

Think..

Back in the day, I loved the group Information Society.

Why?

Because it was wanna-be techno music, and it also incorporated Star Trek samples into their music!

Win-win baby!

I really actually enjoyed the lyrics and message that they had for their earlier music. If you could get by the industrial electronic underground sound, there was a passionate and living lyric under that throbbing and beating pulse of sound.

Take this lyric from their song "think":

Imagine if I said I sometimes need you I need you to this day.Imagine if I said I sometimes hear you call my name.Imagine if I said I still could love you.Imagine what you'd say.Imagine if I said I sometimes still can see your face.Think about all the things we shared.Think about all the times we cared.When all of your hopes have come and gone,Think about me and I'll be there.There's something in the air that feels like winterThe kind we used to know.Yesterday can seem like such a long, long time ago.Who could ever count the miles between us?But now I know it's true.

That's a powerful message right there.. I mean, it's not STUNNING or anything, but it does effectively get the point across, doesn't it?

I wish I could get more folks to let me know what their favorite songs were, so I could listen to the messages that they enjoy listening to...

Little Things

You know, it never ceases to amaze me at the things that will make me return to things I'd left behind.

Take this blog, for example.

I haven't really posted much on this since I left my old job behind, and yet here I am, looking to turn a new page, and start my online "diary" again.

Why?

I don't know.

I'm not sure that I really want to go back to this.

However, I do know that I was making personal steps and milestones while ranting and raving about each and every little thing that jumped on my nerves.

Let's see how this does, and who knows? Maybe I'll be able to quit my day job and BLOG full-time!

Or maybe just worry about the small steps of writing things daily would be a good start.

*cracks knuckles*

Let's kick this pig!

 - Jorm, returned from the semi-dead

Sporadic post: Don't get used to it!

I keep forgetting I have this blog, and then when I start to read about some of the things I've written, I chuckle to myself over how I handled them: both poorly and well.

Why?

Because I have come to accept that I am a flawed human. I know I'm not going to always make the right decision, but I am going to accept that I am responsible for my own actions, and I will make the best out of any given situation.

After years of self loathing and self abuse, I have come to terms with my flaws and faults.

Am I better person because of it?

Right now? No.

Give me a few years to understand how to relate to people again, and I'm sure I'll get better at it.

For now, just being able to accept myself for being me? That's the most important thing.

Next?

The world!

Balancing a budget

I have a question for you all, and I'm hoping that you'll be able to answer it the way that I tend to answer.

First off, when you pay your bills, and balance your budget, do you figure into your budget how much you're planning on spending the following pay period? And does that amount increase exponentially each pay period?

No?

You mean you look for ways to cut back on extra expenses, and then you make your payments in order to get your budget and finances on track, right?

Why can't our nation figure this one out?

I mean, it's a noble gesture for any campaigning president to say that they aren't going to raise taxes, and that the middle class isn't going to bear the brunt of the repayment of our deficit.

The truth of the matter is far from noble, though.

Tough times call for tough actions. I don't like the thought of having to pay more in taxes, but I dislike having to pay in perpetuity the expenditures that our nation keeps piling on itself year after year.

Our budget keeps growing, we keep spending, and we don't look to try to balance anything out. But we will make promises about not raising taxes, or having the middle class carry the burden of helping pay back what we owe.

Let's get real here.

We need to take steps to get out of financial ruin, and in order to do that, each class is going to have to face some ugly factors.

The rich folks are going to be taxed quite heavily. So are large corporations. Not only that, but these corporations are not going to be able to "sharehold" these expenses to their subscribers, so this means that the high-end jobs are going to take a serious paycut, and some low-end jobs could be lost.

The middle class is going to have to pay more as well. There's no getting around it. About 70% of the income in this nation is done by the middle class, and if you're going to cut out 70% of your earned income before trying to pay bills, you might as well use an eyedropper to fill a 50 gallon fishtank. It's not going to happen within anyone's lifetime.

Lastly, the lower class is going to have to take some hits as well. Food stamps need to be cut down. Welfare needs to decrease. We need more stringent guidelines for all folks with state or government assistance, just to make sure that they really DO need the assistance, and aren't just trying to skate by doing as little as possible, and getting the most that they can.

Put these steps into practice, and you're not going to be very popular, but you will get the job done.

The problem is that for the job to get done, you're going to have to become the villan, and villans don't tend to get additional time in office.

This is why no political official is EVER going to be able to get our deficit brought under control.

We like having power, and we like being in places of prestige. How can you have either of those if you upset the folks who put you there in the first place?

Then you have issues like Detroit having to declare bankruptcy. Yup, the motor city looks like it's going to have to get reposessed. Sure, the inner city looks nice, thanks to the millionaires who have funnelled enough cash into the city to make the areas where they live and work look really good. However, the rest of the city looks like photos from a demilitarized zone.

Did you know that it takes almost an hour for police to show up for an emergency call in Detroit?

That means you can get a pizza delivered faster than emergency services!

We need to start deputizing pizza delivery drivers, so that we can not only feed these folks, but also have protection in 30 minutes or less!

Then the most amazing thing I found about this was that the major car production facilities in this great city have had record-setting years financially, and are not about to try to help "bail out" the city they call home!

I just don't get it.. Do you?

Truth.. Well, sort of!

Time for truth!

Well, at least truth as I see it. You all get to read my opinion, and if I choose, I might read your responses. However, there aren't many folks who read my blog anymore, since blogging seems to be a dead art form. Anyway, it's still a really REALLY good way for me to exorcise my demons, and not go completely postal on an unsuspecting public..

Speaking of which.. Who truly believes that video game violence begets even more violence?

I don't. I believe that we all make choices. Some are good. Some bad. Some folks make choices and because of their upbringing or family station have an impact on many more lives than others.

To me, it's more about a lack of morality and accountability rather than a game or mental stress.

Check that. I think mental stress might be a good and valid reason. If someone else stresses me out today, there might be an added goodie in my trunk when I head home tonight!

Anywho!

I feel that a lack of active parenting and teaching of strong and ethical morals is the leading cause of our troubles right now.

Back when I was growing up, my grandparents raised me so that both my mom and dad could work to support the house and family. Because of this, I have a perspective that is older than my years can actually credit or account for. I have plenty of people my age who keep wondering where my "old soul" opinions and beliefs come from.

I believe in hard work. I believe that if you do a job, you do it to the best of your ability, and get it done right the first time instead of planning on coming back and fixing things "later".

I believe in the "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality. I choose to believe that negative reinforcement in parenting is a very effective tool. It doesn't work for all children, but for about 90% it was quite efficient. The other 10% needed something more creative. The problem is that we as humans want a "fix-it-all" solution, and then try to apply it to any and every situation instead of evaluating the situation, and making adaptations to our actions to tailor it to our needs.

It's like giving a hammer to a caveman, and then wondering why he's also trying to use the hammer to kill flies, mosquitos, fleas, and lice... He complains because either he can't hit them, or he hurts himself, and we're to blame because we gave him the hammer!

What is up with this overwhelming drive to raise the minimum wage?

I don't get it. Minimum wage was set in place so that folks who had no skills could get a job, improve their skills, and get a better paying job. NOT stay at the same entry-level job and expect to support themselves and a family!

When I started working, the minimum wage was $2.50. I did inventory work, because the shop owner who hired me couldn't stand numbers and stocking. I was very good at it, and was even able to make use of an early computer program to get an early database started for his store inventory.

Did I expect to make a living counting bags and cans?

Absolutely not.

I did take the skills I learned while doing this job to get another office job at a larger supermarket. From there, accounting and payroll skills came my way. And so I learned and grew. I didn't just sit on my hands and expect my boss to want to pay me more and more to do the same job over and over again. THAT IS JUST LAZY.

I know lazy. Trust me. I can be as lazy as anyone when you give me the chance! I just choose to NOT be lazy when my income and livelihood depend on how well I apply myself to my work.

If we were to increase the minimum wage, we then start to de-value those people who have done everything they can to improve their situation. Why would I pay some college whiz-kid $20 to work when I can have some snot-nosed high-school teen do the same job for $15? If I don't like the work, I can recycle plenty of teens, and still save myself that $20 an hour position..

What does that say for the folks who have worked for me for years, have been getting regular increases, and then find that they are making barely more than the new kids I brought in off the street? Do you honestly think that companies are going to increase wages across the board to make things "fair"? I don't. I bet you wages will stay RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE, and folks who were making a decent living will suddenly be scraping by, starting at square one again trying to work up the ladder, while the new kids sit back, and expect us to pay them just for giving another body at the workplace.

Where did this sense of self-entitlement come from?

I don't know, but this is yet one more disturbing trend that I am seeing, and it really bothers me.

I have come to terms with my grief!

I know, I know.. Big surprise, right?

It is for me.

I have never been good at expressing my feelings to people in person. I can rant and rave anonymously to perfect strangers about very personal things in my life, but I can't hardly give a differing opinion to someone I know about dinner selections. I'm just a very easy-going individual when it comes to going with the flow.

Tell you what. You go ahead and raise the minimum wage. I'll sit at home on unemployment, expect you to pay me, and pretend I'm killing you all on my newest video game first person shooter.

How's that grab ya?

Jormengrund

Sadness

Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that even though I can fake my way through just about anything and fool quite a few people, I can't continue to fool and lie to myself.

I'm depressed and hurt.

Why?

Let's look at the reasons:

First off, my mother died back in December, and I still really haven't come to terms with that just yet. On one hand, I know she's better off, and that she didn't suffer. However, this also means that there is a very large chunk of my personal life that has gone unfulfilled and unanswered. I will never again be able to try to reconcile my past and my feelings of hurt and inadequacy in this life with the woman who helped create them. I have work unfinished, and no way to be able to complete it. Frustration!!

I have graduated my college courses, I passed with flying colors, and was at the top of my class. However, I don't really have much aside from some papers to show for it, since I can't seem to get a job in my chosen and preferred field, and have instead opted for a job that pays me to sit behind the wheel of a car, and deliver printed packages to clients in an efficient and timely manner. A trained monkey can do the job I work at now, and to think that I spent $50k on my further education to make a better life for myself. I could honestly squee in delight right now.

I moved back in with my dad after my mom passed. Yeah, not really my first choice, but since I didn't have a job at the time, and was not really motivated to do much of anything, it seemed like the best place to go and get my life back on track. However, then my family showed up, and I was juggled around a while so that family had places to stay. I love being on the bottom of the pecking order when other family members decide to show up unannounced, and lay claim to your bed, bedroom, and home for the duration of their stay. I just makes me all warm and tingly with love and happiness.

Finally, I'm having relationship trouble. I don't feel loved. At all. By anyone. There have been quite a few times where I've been told that, yet right after hearing those words, I've had actions that seem to make a mockery of the words. Things like having me move out, or shovel me off to a friend's house so that family can stay in the room I'm in... It's little things like this that seem to bother me the most, and I'm having some trouble trying to move past it all. I don't know why. Maybe I need to get some Prozac, and just drug myself happy.. Who knows?

My sarcasm hasn't slowed down any. If anything, it's gotten more sharp and biting. This is a problem, since I tend to be sarcastic with everyone, and when you have a keen edge on the responses, it tends to drive folks away without meaning to. Just yesterday I told someone I was nearly overfull with joy so much that I wanted to jump off the nearest bridge. Yeah, I got referred to HR and told that if I needed some personal time off work to go speak with a specialist, they would be willing to help support me in getting the help I needed to keep my mind off of suicide.

So yeah, I'm basically a bubbling fountain of joy that reaches out, grabs you by the throat, and tries choking the life and joy out of any given situation.

There. More biting sarcasm for you before I end this and publish it.

Squee.

Resolutions...

Well, it's the new year, but I am not going to make any kind of resolution. Why? Because even though it's a noble idea, usually it tends to set up someone for failure. I base this on the observation that folks make resolutions to change things that are major issues for them. Once they are unable to follow through with these resolutions, they feel themselves unworthy, and since they can't make those "simple" resolutions, they might as well continue on as they were beforehand..

I choose to work on myself in moderation. I don't expect to make overwhelming changes. I don't expect anything special. I just want to make sure I complete each short-term goal that I set for myself, and be satisfied with it.

I mean, I was able to do this these last two years while in classes. I graduated on the 21st of this year with honors, and voted by the faculty as one of the top 5% of the graduating class. I personally felt that I didn't do as good of a job as I could have done, but apparently what I was able to give was more than the faculty expected, and I was honored for my achievements.

Now, I'm in my Bachelor program and attempting to continue the success I have had these last two years. Juggling classes and work is getting more difficult, but I am sure that I'll be able to figure something out.

Now my main focus is on my family, my dad in particular, then classes, and work. We'll see how well I am able to manage these priorities this year.

Best wishes to you all this year!

Home

Just two months ago, I got a voicemail from my dad asking me to call him. When I returned his call, I got some news that shook me: My mom had cancer.

Now, if you have followed and read any of my blog at all, you'll realize that my mom and I haven't had the best relationship, but we had learned how to be amicable to one another, and were actually starting to patch things up between us. This news was not good, and it wasn't going to allow me to get any further kind of closure from my childhood.

Last month, mom started chemotherapy, and it blasted her pretty good. During it all, she would call and ask me how I was, what I was doing, and if I could get away at some point to come up and visit with her. The petulant little boy inside of me came up from the screaming depths, and declined - blaming it on the new job and other hassles that life had thrown my way. I told her I would make time for Thanksgiving, and would come up to visit then. Mom was disappointed in my reply, but agreed. I made my appointment, we had some talks, and we had some celebration, what little we could find with someone in the same room who was ravaged with cancer, and trying not to be sick just from the smells coming from the kitchen. It was a tense Thanksgiving, and I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling and those emotions.

This last weekend, I got a call from my dad. "Come north, we are bringing your mom home to the Hospice Center. The cancer has spread, and they don't know how much longer she is going to make it." I went north. My biggest worry was not on my mom dying, but how the rest of my family was going to be able to handle the stress and loss. My dad has always defined himself through my mom. If we'd ask about any kind of appointment or coming up to visit, he'd want to check with mom to make sure all dates and times were clear. Any decision would be routed through mom, since they made all of their decisions as a team, and no spouse was left not knowing. Similarly, my brother was very close to my mom. They could talk for hours about nothing at all, and at the end of the conversation would determine that they got a lot accomplished. I never understood that connection, and to be honest I still don't get it to this day. How were these two going to handle her loss?

My mind was in overdrive. I couldn't form a coherent thought. All these scenarios and "what-if" statements kept circling in my head. The argument kept coming around to me about "Sure, she's bad now, but there have been plenty of times where someone has seemed to be on Death's door, and makes an unexpected turn around. I'm sure this is going to be one of those times, and I'm going to waste some of my vacation time on a potentially unnecessary trip." Against all of my arguments, I went north to see my dad and brother. Mom was resting, unable to speak anymore due to the illness that had now claimed 40% of her lungs, enveloped one of her kidneys, stained her liver, migrated to her lymph nodes, and nested now in her bones as well. I leaned over the rail of the bed she was sleeping in, took her feverish hand in mine, and whispered to her about how much I loved her, how proud I was to be her son, and that no matter what happens, I would always live and act the way she would want me to.

In that moment, I finally understood that the petty anger and hurts that I was nursing completely paled in comparison to the reality that my mom was destined to leave this world, and that the air needed to be cleared. I gave love and forgiveness, expecting none in return, but knowing that she could hear me, and knew things were right between us.

Early that next morning, about 12:30 in the morning, my brother called me to her room. I rushed there, and the family sang hymns as she struggled for each and every breath. During our singing of "How Great Thou Art", my mom silently passed away, and a peace that I have never seen on her face showed. I knew at that moment she was no longer troubled, and she was finally at rest and at peace. I kissed her head, told her I would see her after a while, and went to console the rest of my family who were there.

Life is short. There are no guarantees about how long you will be in this life. Make the most of each day, live it to the fullest with no regrets, and rejoice when you wake up the next morning able to do so again.

I love you mom, and I am glad you are at peace.

See you sometime soon.

Struggling

I am having difficulties in my life, and because you can't stop me, I'm going to vent about it all on here, and feel a bit better.

As you know from my last post, my mom has cancer, and I have seriously mixed feelings about this.

Now, I am having some more serious issues stemming from this problem.

First, I have a good relationship with my dad, and watching how torn up he is getting over this is really starting to affect me as well.

Then, there's the fact that my brother also has a close relationship with my mom, and he and I are fairly close. So the emotions and feelings that he is going through are really starting to affect me.

Then, we have my girlfriend.

She has a good relationship with her family, and doesn't have near the amount of dysfunction in her family that mine does. Couple that with the fact that her grandmother passed away just a few weeks ago, and she's really on me to try to do extra for my mom.

I don't know what to do.

I want to support my brother and dad. I want to feel more for my mom. I want to make the girlfriend happy and try to patch things up with my mom as well.

I just don't see it all mixing!

Granted, I can bury it all, and just deal with things as they come, but I refuse to let things affect me if I can actually DO something about it.

I know!

I'm going to ignore it all, and hope it goes away!

Excellent idea, if I do have to say so myself....

Of course, you and I both realize that this means there will be MUCH more for me to write about next time, right?

Win-win scenario right there!

Adios

Conflict

I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do.

I am a survivor. I lived through a hell that no child should have to deal with.

I was abused by my own mother while growing up. I craved affection, but dealt with a slap or a muttered insult instead of a hug or a word of kindness from her.

I still have serious hate for some of the things that my mom was able to do to me that I couldn't protect myself from.

Yet for all of that, I still love her, and I still crave that acceptance and love from her.

This last month, I got news that has put my head, heart and life into complete chaos.

I learned that my mom has cancer.

Not just a little bit, her body is riddled with it. Kidneys, liver, lungs.. She's been given approximately 2 years tops before it claims her life.

And I am torn up about how I should feel about this.

One part of me feels justice is being served. Karma has come around, and the woman who was able to put her oldest son in the hospital and cover it up as him being clumsy is reaping what she sewed.

Part of me wants to gloat about her finally having to deal with something that she isn't going to be able to protect herself from, and to see her have to struggle with it like I had to.

Part of me wants to cry out in anger because I'm not able to cause her these problems myself, and get some sort of vengeance personally.

Yet another part of me feels serious loss of someone who I have tried to impress and be accepted by.

And yet the final part of me is struggling to cope with the sadness of not being able to patch my relationship with her and come to some kind of compromise.

Loss? Love? Revenge? Anger?

It's all there. I just don't know which one I feel more of.

And with my life still seemingly out of control, I don't know if I have time to figure it out. I still have classes to deal with, kids to raise, and a job that I have to work. I don't even get a chance to visit her this holiday season because I don't have enough time off of work to see my family.

Maybe resigned is a better emotion?

I don't know. I just hope that I'll be able to sort out these emotions before it does some kind of other damage to me that I can't quantify or cope with.

Wish me luck.. I think I'm going to need it.

Checking in

Well, I should be in bed, but for some reason I just can't seem to get my brain to quit working today.

I am near the end of my classes, graduation is just aroud the corner for my degree. What exactly will a degree do for me? I mean, I have the experience, and now I guess I'll have a piece of paper saying that I have the schooling as well. I have never really understood why a piece of paper is more valuable than the experience of really doing the job, but some companies set more expectations on schooling and classes than on actually DOING the work you go to school for!

I got bad news this month, and I'm still trying to process it.

For now, I'm not going to comment on it, but eventually you all know that I can't keep things just tumbling in my head, and it will eventually make it's way into these pages. Just give me time to think about it all and what my feelings about it truly are. Right now it's so much of a jumble that I don't know what to say, or what to think...

Frustration seems to be the word of the day more than anything else lately.

Working 12+ hours a day, except on Thursdays when I have 18 hours of classes.. What a glamorous life I get to live!

Until my next post, keep reading!

Motivation

Yeah, I'm lacking it.

I can't really get motivated for work, school, kids, even personal stuff.

I could care less right now.

What's going on?

Dunno.

Maybe it's because I want to do things I used to, but my health and body just can't keep up with the daydreams I'm having?

Could be. I doubt it.

Right now, I'm just trying to find my focus again. I need to find that compass, and find my true north so that I can get back on track.

Because right now? I'm kind of lost and just wandering until something catches my attention for a short while.

So I guess you could consider me an ADD hiker right now. Something bright and shiny comes by, and I follow it until the next bright and shiny thing passes by.....

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Hey look! A quarter!

Arrgh

You know, there are times when I know damn well that I have no control over other people, but I really REALLY wish there were times when I could direct what was happening instead of having to roll with the punches..

I have, in case you just started reading this (welcome you select few!), gone back to school for my degree in computer science. Why? Because I was fired from my last job, and even though I have YEARS of experience in the field, the job market won't even look at my resume without having that pretty piece of paper that says I was taught the "right" way to do my job.

Thus, I have put myself back into debt, and headed back into the classroom.

Now, I can't very well go to classes and support myself, so I have also work that I have to juggle as well. Not to worry, I can handle this as well. After all, I only have three kids to see, a house to help maintain and pay for, a car to maintain and upkeep, fill with fuel, insure, and pay for.. Student loans to pay back, classwork to read and homework to complete.. Oh yeah.. Let's not forget the wonderful woman I am dating that needs attention too!

Where, oh where is there time for anything else? This post? It's been cobbled together over the past few months when I've had some time to read something other than a textbook or installation manual..

This guy is getting tired. But for a silver lining, I'm halfway there! Well, at least for now I am!

You know what else is bothering me?

Guess what, I'm going to tell you anyway!

I am a very anal-retentive person when it comes to what I do, regardless of what it is. I have to do my homework papers in just such a manner, I have to turn in my reports and such in a specific format, and I don't like doing anything half-assed. The same goes for work. I like a structured, linear workload. I will sit for a while and plan out how I'm going to do a specific job or task, then plot out what I need for the job, and then work on it. I don't do a scrap job or just enough to get by.. I do the job right the first time, because I really can't stand going back to fix something. It's just how I am, I don't apologize for it, and usually it makes me a very valuable employee.

However, at some point this has become a detriment to the job I do now. I don't know how, I don't know when, and I don't know why, but being the perfectionist that I am is causing major problems in my work. Somehow, my wanting things to be just right is actually causing more problems than preventing them. I don't know how this oxymoron of a situation happened, but the fact of the matter is that trying to make things right is actually making things wrong.. Leave it to me to find the one loophole in a situation and exploit it without even realizing it!

There comes a point in time when I will probably get fed up, and scream "I give up!". But for now, I just swallow my pride, my ire, and my ego and just go forward. I mean, where else do I have to go?

I just wish I had a map sometimes.. I hate travelling blind.

Frustration!!

Well, I'm just about to go postal, and it's barely into the week. What's wrong with me?

Yesterday, I had some work to do, so I took the kids with me, and tried to get it done. Let's just leave out the fact that I forgot to bring some of the needed materials with me, which required yet another trip back to the house in order to get the stuff I needed, and let's also forget that the shop that I've been using is also being used by someone else, and I have to share the space, ok?

So once my claustrophobic chore was done yesterday, I took the kids home went home myself. Problem is that I get into thinking that my work is done, and the girlfriend has other ideas. She isn't feeling good, so time requirements get cut a bit shorter as I want to be able to care and help her as well as take care of things around the house and my job.

Then I've got some issues with scheduling. I have classes three days a week, and a job that I can schedule around the class time, but very time-intensive when they are needed. I have a very large job looming on the horizon right now, and I'm trying to wrap my head around the project, while keeping afloat in class and the regular day-to-day grind. Plus, I have gotten an added install to do, and it's keeping me on my feet for the moment.

I'm frazzled. I have homework and studies to do, yet I want time to unwind from work and classes. Somehow, I don't feel like I can, and be true to my work and my classes. Yet my greatest issue right now is my drive to escape, and throw any cares into a pile to sort out "later". Where does this kind of thinking come from? What is my focus? Where is the objective for this goal at?

I need to find a happy medium, and see how I can balance it all out. I need to prioritize everything, and see how I can make it all fit. I need to set personal boundaries, and then stick to it. I also need to set some personal time into it all, and let the body and brain unwind.

While I'm at it, I need to see about adding a couple of extra hours into my day. Anyone have some to spare?

Ranting

I'm getting tired of all these stinking self-help commercials that are going on anymore.

I mean, come on! Really?

Let's see. We've got some skinny little thing that goes on television to tell millions of viewers how she lost 20 pounds, and look how much better she is! To be honest, if the camera angle was different, I'm sure you wouldn't be able to tell the change, but that might also be my skepticism showing..

Then there are those pill ads saying that all you need to do is take a pill three times a day and keep eating as you always do, and the pounds will just melt away. I call bullshit on this one too. I'm sure I didn't get to be happy and "fluffy" as Gabriel Iglesias calls it just by eating. I also gained weight by sitting on my ass instead of exercising. I also think that my addiction to fast food instead of home-cooked meals would have something to do it as well. Next, define "normal" for me. "Normal" for someone overweight might be two extra-value meals complete with all the trimmings. Yet it might mean a glass of water, some salad and a granola bar for someone else. Who exactly determines what is "normal" when you are advertising something?

Trying to push pharmeceutical drugs on television are starting to bother me, too. Birth control? We've got a new pill/contraceptive/insert for that. Depressed? We've got pills for that. I tend to disagree with the idea that if it's new, it's got to be something better than the tried-and-true methods. I don't fear new things, I just prefer more thorough testing and research being done for drugs testing instead of trying to push things out on the market as soon as possible. However, as my macabre humor noticed, if you have the side effect of death for your antidepressant, there's an upside there. If you die, then you don't have to deal with being depressed, so that's a win in my book.

How lazy have we become as consumers? We can now sit, watch TV, and lose weight, feel good about it, and eat the same junk we always have and not be concerned about four self-desructive behavior. Maybe if we were all able to hire personal apologists for our actions we'd be better off.

The only way it would be better would be if the apologist came in pill form..

STRESS!!

Yeah, I'm a bit frazzled.

I have been in my classes now for a little over a year. I'm still holding strong to a 3.98 GPA (one stinking B+!! GRR!) I am working full-time for my girlfriend who owns her own business installing, developing, designing and creating graphics, AND we're moving this week to a new place....

Yeah, my cup runneth over, and right now I wish it was someone else's cup.

Don't get me wrong. I've been looking forward to all of this. I enjoy the classes. There's plenty of information that I didn't know about my chosen field that is jumping out at me. I love working, because I can't stand to just sit on my ass every day and hope things happen. I love my girlfriend, mainly because she accepts me for who I am, and not what she thinks I should be. And lastly I've been really looking forward to a bigger place because this little apartment would give even the most hearty of constitutions claustrophobia if they had to live here with another person and a fuzzy pet.

However, combining all of these elements into one really blows.

I mean, girlfriend gets stressed, and because of this, packing lags. Due to packing lags, moving gets put behind. Because moving gets pushed back, I do some work, and have to complete the job before continuing moving. However, this also has to take a backseat to classes, which are a priority for me right now. Juggle all of these, and then try to spice it up with the little surprises that make life just so much more interesting, and you've got a formula for the reason some folks grab high-powered rifles and try to kill every living thing in sight...

Not there yet, but there are times...

So, I'm trying to take bite-sized pieces out of the equation. I am trying to set a bunch of small goals to reach instead of large ambiguous ones, and see if it helps any.

Right now? I'd have to say.. "No, not so much, thanks for playing."

But at least I did try to work outside of the box, and try something different, right?

Wish me luck and sanity!

Have a happy holidays, and many enjoyable returns!

Memories

It is always difficult for me to enjoy the holidays anymore.

I get excited and enjoy the reactions of my kids and the younger ones that I have the joy of being around, but for me, the gloss and luster has dimmed.

I miss my grandparents.. Badly.

My grandpa would light up a room with his size, his laugh, and the love of life that would be a palpable aura around him wherever he went.

My grandma had an infectious laugh, incredible talent for cooking foods, and a way to make you feel loved and cared for just by taking your hand and holding it.

They are both gone now, and the empty hole in my soul still hasn't healed.

I know that eventually it will. However, knowing that father time has his own schedule, I also know that at some point someone else close to me will be gone as well.

Mortality sucks, you know?

Yet through it all, I've learned to enjoy the small things. Live life to the fullest, and to suck the marrow out of each day until I'm sure that there's nothing more I can eke out of this existance.

I will live, I will love, I will laugh..

I will be... Me.