Conflict

I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do.

I am a survivor. I lived through a hell that no child should have to deal with.

I was abused by my own mother while growing up. I craved affection, but dealt with a slap or a muttered insult instead of a hug or a word of kindness from her.

I still have serious hate for some of the things that my mom was able to do to me that I couldn't protect myself from.

Yet for all of that, I still love her, and I still crave that acceptance and love from her.

This last month, I got news that has put my head, heart and life into complete chaos.

I learned that my mom has cancer.

Not just a little bit, her body is riddled with it. Kidneys, liver, lungs.. She's been given approximately 2 years tops before it claims her life.

And I am torn up about how I should feel about this.

One part of me feels justice is being served. Karma has come around, and the woman who was able to put her oldest son in the hospital and cover it up as him being clumsy is reaping what she sewed.

Part of me wants to gloat about her finally having to deal with something that she isn't going to be able to protect herself from, and to see her have to struggle with it like I had to.

Part of me wants to cry out in anger because I'm not able to cause her these problems myself, and get some sort of vengeance personally.

Yet another part of me feels serious loss of someone who I have tried to impress and be accepted by.

And yet the final part of me is struggling to cope with the sadness of not being able to patch my relationship with her and come to some kind of compromise.

Loss? Love? Revenge? Anger?

It's all there. I just don't know which one I feel more of.

And with my life still seemingly out of control, I don't know if I have time to figure it out. I still have classes to deal with, kids to raise, and a job that I have to work. I don't even get a chance to visit her this holiday season because I don't have enough time off of work to see my family.

Maybe resigned is a better emotion?

I don't know. I just hope that I'll be able to sort out these emotions before it does some kind of other damage to me that I can't quantify or cope with.

Wish me luck.. I think I'm going to need it.