There's guilt, and then there's GUILT.

I'm feeling like crap now.

The wife and I had a "talk" this evening, and I'd really rather have gone somewhere and driven rusty nails into my hands and eyes.

The gist of the talk is that she's moving. Away. Without me. WAY out of town.

Technically, we're still married, but I can feel the divorce papers coming my way at any given time. She's happier.. (hell, 90% of separated and divorced women say this.. Thanks Rutgers!) She's going to be moving to a larger town with her neice who's going away to college.

To be honest, I can't blame her. She didn't go to college. She didn't get to have wild college parties and live on the edge. Now? She's going to be able to experience it all.. And I can't really blame her. In fact, I envy her.

Yet it also seems to me that she's running away. Running away from the kids, me, the town, her family (aside from her niece).. Running away from anything and everything that might resemble her life with me. I actually feel like a piece of garbage that's been tossed out for the truck to come pick up, but nobody INCLUDING the garbage man wants to deal with me!

Then I also was asked not to be sending her anymore emails. Now, I have written her a couple of times when I've had some eye-opening revalations about myself and the skills that I've lacked for our marriage. I've admitted where I've failed, and I've told her all about it.

Yet somehow this makes her feel guilty.

Why?

The guilt lies with me, not her! How is it that my coming to realize that I've been a complete failure and screw-up causes someone else to feel guilty?

The guilt and fault is mine.. Don't try to take it upon yourself to feel for someone who doesn't deserve your guilt or pity.

So, now I'm left with the quickly fading options:

No family. The kids are with their mom. I get to see them when I'm not trying to fill my time with work. Soon, no wife. She's leaving town at the end of the year, and I don't think I'll see her again because I highly doubt she's going to be looking back.

So, what's really left?

That's a question that right now I'm not in a mindset to answer or think about.

I'm in the wrong!

As some of you may or may not know, I moonlight as a DJ so that I can bring in extra cash, and help meet some of my weekly expenses.

This time, I was the MC for a wedding.

I don't know about you, but with the stuff that I'm going through I'm finding it difficult to find happiness in someone else's joy. I mean, usually when I'm doing these kind of things, I recall happy memories, and I'm able to at least enjoy myself to a degree while technically working as the "sound guy".

Today was something a bit different.

I listened to the message while these two young people were wed. Taking the words to heart, I've come to realize that I've seriously wronged my wife, and I'm here to try to apologize and somehow figure out a way to make amends.

First off, I've taken her for granted. I've assumed that she's there to take care of the kids when I'm not home. I've assumed that she'll do the housework that needs to be done. I've assumed that she'll take care of everything, and I'll do what I remember to do (most of the time) and everything will be fine.

This is the first of many mistakes I've made. I need to be there and be doing just as much as she had been doing. I needed to step up and take charge of the kids. I needed to be there and do work around the house when I've seen that it needed to be done. I need to be more accountable for the things, large and small, that go hand in hand with living with a family.

Secondly, I've failed to keep the marriage thriving. I haven't kept the romance kindled. I haven't made her feel like the cherished person that she is. I've assumed that she knows it, but I've never really DONE anything to SHOW her. I haven't made her feel loved, wanted, pursued.. I needed to do all these things and more, and yet I haven't.

Lastly, I've failed to communicate effectively with her. Nearly each and every discussion we had led to some kind of defensive action on either her or my part. We were never able to talk and just listen to the other. Communication is so vital to a marriage, and with that vitality missing, it's really no wonder that it's basically dying right before my very eyes.

I've come to realize all of this, yet somehow it seems like too little, too late. Why is it that some of the most important lessons you learn tend to be AFTER you need it?

I've still got a sliver of an opportunity, but the outcome of that chance isn't in my control, so I don't know if this insight is really going to matter or not. However, it's a lesson that I'm taking to heart, if only to be able to pass on this knowledge to my own sons as they get old enough to find brides of their own.

Love your spouse. Cherish them. TALK with them. Make them feel needed and adored. Make time to spend with them.. Do this, and the marriage has much better odds of overcoming adversity as it comes. Let them slide, and you'll end up where I'm at.

Do me a favor, and work on the marriage.. You don't want to be in my shoes.

All over but the bleeding...

Yeah. It seriously looks that way. I've tried to talk, I've tried to change, and I've tried to do whatever I could to breathe life into the corpse that is my failing marriage.

However, without the life spark from the other side, things just won't happen.

She admitted to me that she doesn't love me.

So I'm throwing all of my love, my energy and desire at a rock.

For me, this is the end. I'm not going through this again. I CAN'T go through this again. I honestly don't know if I could take it.

So, I'm working on bettering myself for my kids and me. I'm going to see through my obligations and responsibilities, and I'm going to just be.

I'm not going to look for anything else. I'm going to work, I'm going to play and be with my kids, and I'm going to eat and sleep and do whatever else is necessary to get me from one day to the next.

I'm not going to look for someone else. I refuse to open myself up to someone else who could crush me. I let down my lies and defenses for one person, and in that moment of weakness I was all but destroyed. Never again.

The walls are going back up, and the impenetrable fortress of my heart and emotions will remain safe and secure.

Beliefs

You know, I'm quite the firm believer in the human spirit.

I believe that if we put our minds to whatever we desire, the only thing that can keep us from achieving that desire or goal is ourselves.

I also am a believer in God. I believe that he's out there, and that he cares deeply for me.

I've been critiqued a few times on this blog for needing to "get back" to faith, and "get right" with God.

To be honest, God and I are on good working terms. I'm not really in good cahoots with the human aspect of his religion, though.

To be honest, the church can kiss my ass.

I feel closer to God by walking my dogs, seeing the sunrise, and appreciating this wide wonderful world I've been put in.

I don't feel closer to God when I walk into a building, and get put into some kind of cookie-cutter social ladder. You know the type: "This person seems to know how to pray and read the Bible, so they're holy and righteous, but not as much as me, and definitely not on par with so-and-so" ad nauseum. Is there seriously a religious pecking order? Do we have to be "Holier-than-thou" in order for our faith to impact people?

I say no. Actions speak much more loudly than words. There are christians that I would LOVE to emulate. Their faith, their beliefs, and their joy for life and love are something I've yet to find, but am desperately seeking.

However, there are also christians out there who seriously give the title a black eye. It's these hypocritical ones who have basically chased me off, and made me swear that I'm not going back. It's these types of people who are probably the basis for all of the other Christian sects that we find, and maybe even a few offshoot religions as well.

I don't think that they really MEAN anything by their religious stupidity, I just think that they don't know any better. As the old adage says "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

I'm sure that they mean well, they just don't follow through with it, and in doing so they cause more harm than any good that can come out of the situation.

I believe in the sancitiy of marriage. I believe that two people can work as a team, and make more out of their lives and love than any one person can honestly hope to achieve. I believe that no outside force can separate these two if they believe in each other, and support one another.

I believe that there's a reason for anything and everything that happens to us. We adapt, we move on, or we wither away and die. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

I believe that I lost track of where I was going with this post..

Because of this, I believe that I will close now, and just let the dust settle for a while...

There are views, and then there are views....

Well, I can't dispute the fact that most of the things I've done basically have no proof in them whatsoever.

The only real way someone can believe that I was in the Navy is because I fell into a picture of mine from boot camp. I don't have any of the others where I made E-4, E-5, or E-6.. I don't have the nostalgia pictures that I took while in Taiwan, Hong Kong, or Tokyo. I don't have my Pearl Harbor regalia. Hell, I don't even know where my sea bags and old uniforms went to!

I don't have any of my old uniforms or pictures when I travelled around Europe playing soccer. I don't have the train ticket stubs. I don't have the airline tickets. I don't even have some of the shirts and posters that I gathered while playing for the six weeks I was over there.

All I have are memories, and even those are apparently suspect.

How can you refute the testimony of one person's word against another? It's a he-said-she-said argument that's going to get you absolutely nowhere. I'd love to argue about it, but the fact will still remain that I have NO proof. Until such time as they're able to make a machine that can see and project your memories, I'm stuck.

Leave aside the fact that the person who is denying my memories is the same person who abused me for 15+ years, and denies this as well. This same person is someone with whom I'm still quite uncomfortable being around for any long length of time. This same person still shows the preferences and attitudes that I've grown used to seeing, and don't really pay attention to anymore.

However, for those who haven't lived or dealt with it, they have no reason to believe any of it, now would they?

Why should they believe that some upstanding christian woman would come home from work and beat the living tar out of her oldest son if the laundry wasn't completely finished? Who would believe that the lead nurse at a community's recovery room would slap her son across the head with the seat of a piano bench, and then tell the doctor stitching him up that he hurt himself playing football in the street? Who would guess that this caring woman for every other person on the face of the planet had such a violent temper and hard fist?

I can't say. I carry the scars. I carry the wounds. I carry the hurt, but again I have no proof.

Maybe someday I'll be justified, but for now all I have are the memories.

Oh, and the scars.

State of Confusion

I don't understand people.

How can one person feel one way, and have someone else feel another about the same situation?

Take movies. A drama usually evokes serious reaction from people. Some folks hate drama. They can't stand the fact that the movie made a spotlight about a specific emotion or feeling. Others adore them. They love being taken on the rollercoaster rides of emotion, and come back for more religiously.

I don't see how I can be so torn about what's happening to our marriage, and yet see my wife being so happy.

Maybe for her, it's just the finishing touches to what has been a bad time in her life, and she's well rid of the stress and pain that I caused and brought into her life. Maybe without me there, she'll be able to see and do all of those things that she's so desperately wanted to do but couldn't because I was around.

For me, it's like watching your arm slowly wither away and die. There's nothing you can do to save it, it's excruciatingly painful, and you're going to miss it terribly.

I don't know.

I do know this... However much it hurts lets me know just how deeply I felt for what we had.

I just wish I could know if there was truly anything there from her end at all, or if it was all for my kids?

How can I say this?

Because she still wants to be a vital part of my kids' lives, just not mine. In this, I'm honestly insanely jealous. I wish she'd feel that way for me. I wish there was some way for those feelings she has for my kids would be directed my way. I wish, I wish, I wish....

And yet, even through it all, I'm blessed.

Because regardless of the outcome, I know that at the end of the day my kids will be well provided for if anything were to ever happen to me.

In the end, that's all that really matters.

A glutton for punishment.

I must be a sadist in some form.

How have I come to this rationalization?

It's easy. I keep trying to talk and see my wife. I desire to spend time with her. Hell, I enjoy just being able to look at her and talk with her.

Obviously, she's not of the same mindset, or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That, coupled with a small tid-bit of info that she gave me tonight really kind of hurt, and I just can't get the words to stop echoing in my head.

This is what she told me:

"I'm actually happy, and less stressed now. People have seen the change, and notice it without even knowing what's going on between you and I."

I keep thinking that maybe I should just let go. Maybe I should let her get on with her life, and stop trying to drag around something that is never going to happen. I mean, if I were a true man, and if I truly love this woman, than I should do what I can to make sure that she's happy, right?

If I follow this line of reasoning, then to make her happy, and because I love her, I've got to let her go, and just cut off my last piece of life I have left. A type of self-suicide of the heart, if you will.

My head keeps telling me that it's over.. I just wish I could somehow get my heart to listen.

The Joke's on Me!

As I stated in my last post, my High School reunion was this weekend. I wanted to go for two main reasons:

First, I didn't go to my last one, and wanted to see what everyone looked like since some time had passed.

Second, there are a couple of folks that I graduated with that I'd really like to see again, and I was hoping that they'd be there.

Well, I was disappointed on both accounts.

The cliques were still the same. Popular kids hung out with each other. Jocks (even the ones who were too out of shape and overweight to ever play again!) hung out with each other. The skinny bitches and built dickheads all stuck like glue.. It was like jumping back into high school for adults, and living the nightmare all over again.

I'd never really fit into any one social pecking order in high school. I played for band, orchestra and choir. I played 4 different sports. I was a bookworm who was able to get pretty good grades without really having to crack the books. The only two things I had going against me were that my family wasn't floating in cash, and I wasn't one of the overly pretty folks.

Thus, I was an outcast from pretty much each and every group in school. Too athletic for the intelligent and musically gifted folks. Too bookish for the jocks. Too ugly for the pretty folks. Too poor to be in with the self-endorsed rich kids who by definition were the most popular because of what they could afford, and had AWESOME party houses when the folks were away.

This weekend showed me that years can pass, but some things will never change. Even with me going out and starting conversations got me a cold shoulder, and not even a grunt for a "hello". I felt relegated to even less than the hired caterers at the party, because at least they were talked to!

All in all, I spent a frustrated evening watching folks get re-acquainted with each other, and I ate yet another slice of humble pie knowing that even though I've got friends and family, there's really not much about me that begs for folks to be interested in me.

Sure, I'm eloquent. I'm snooty and have a bit of a quick wit and temper. I'm stubborn. I argue. I chew at things until it pisses most folks off, and they tell me off about it.

I'm all these things, and yet I'm something more....

I'm a dad. I'm a father who doesn't want to see this kind of thing happen to his kids. I want them to be in the popular groups. I want them to look forward to seeing their classmates after they've graduated. I want them to have the chances I've never had.

My goal now is to try to make that dream a reality.

Here's to dreams.....

Reunion time..

Yeah. It's about that time.

I can't believe that it's time for yet another High School Reunion. Has it really been that long ago? I don't feel any different, really. I know I look different. Heck, I'm nearly 200 pounds heavier now than I was when I graduated!

I would love to show up at this with my wife on my arm, but with things the way they are, I'm going to let her be, and deal with things myself.

I wonder who all is going to be there?

I get to set up and run the music, so I'll be there a bit early, and get to see the folks and their reactions before most other folks.. That'll be a bit of a bonus!

Take care all!

It's the little things...

You know, I guess that there's one good thing about my ability to lie well.

At least the kids are able to have fun still. That means that I guess I can fake it pretty well, right?

Yesterday wasn't bad, but it was quite depressing for me. However, I tried to put on a good face, and make it interesting and fun for the kids. Since they called me today, and told me how much fun they had, I guess I did something right, wouldn't you say?

I've got to admit.. Even though I'm really chewing myself up over this entire thing, if the kids make it through this in good shape, I'll be content.

I guess that it's not who you lie to, or what it's about. It's really all in the intention, isn't it?

Or is it?

That's the question that keeps getting me in trouble, I guess.

Holidays

Well, I used to look forward to holidays. I used to love spending time with friends and family, laughing and enjoying the company of each and every person.

Now? I can't stand the thought of yet another holiday.

Let me tell you why:

I don't have a family to spend it with. Sure, I've got a mom and dad who invite me to things, but only if my brother and his family show up. Then, it becomes a session of waiting for what they're going to do in order to schedule everything around their time. I love my brother, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'd also REALLY like to have something scheduled around MY time for once as well.

Also, since separating from my wife, I don't have someone I really want to spend much time with. I mean, I spend quite a bit of time with my roommates, but they have work schedules and families of their own to spend time with, and I don't want to become some kind of hindrance with their lives. My wife doesn't really want me around, so I'm trying to keep my distance there, and let her move on with her life, since it seems like that is what she's really desiring at this time.

Then there's my kids. I get them, but only for a set period of time, and then they go back to my ex, and I get to return to a cold and empty house. I could try to say that I'm starting to get used to living on my own again, but that would just be another lie.

I hate living on my own. I'm alone. I'm bored. I'm frustrated that there's nothing I can do to fix this feeling. Why? Becuase I'm staying true to my wife until such time as she either cuts me loose, or asks me back. I've sworn to be faithful, so faithful I'll be until she cuts me off from those vows. Who knows? Maybe by then I could care less, and still remain faithful.

The worst part is just sitting, and letting the mind run amok. Feelings, thoughts, memories all flood in and overwhelm me. In order to escape it, I run away to a pretend land of monsters and such.. I play games, and escape reality until something else comes along to divert my mind and attention.

It's not a good coping mechanism, but it's working for me, so I'm going to keep with it.

Hope you all have a great 4th. Celebrate, enjoy, and live vicariously.

Accountability

Believe it or not, I've come to appreciate the comments that Doggybloggy and Snugs gave me these last few posts.

Yeah, I'm an opinionated asshole who thinks that the cup is half-empty. I also believe that if given the right set of circumstances, people will give good advice without really realizing it.

In this, I've come to understand that it's not just what I do that is going to make a difference here. It's also what I _don't_ do that is going to mean something.

So, I'm not going to press. I'm not going to pry. I'm going to give space. I'm going to plod on about my daily business, go to work, come home, take care of kids, and live. If she ever decides to turn back to me, THEN I'll think about doing something. However, until that time comes, I need to focus on myself and my kids.

After all, when it's all said and done this isn't about me as it is about my kids. I need to provide for them. I need to gain some self-esteem back. I need to grow a pair. I need to become the man that I want to be, and I need to do this all on my own.

So, I'm growing up. I'm learning to take more responsibility for my actions. I'm trying to teach my kids the value of doing things for yourself.

My hope?

I don't know, to be honest. I just hope that I'll learn the lessons that I need. I hope that I'll be able to teach my kids the same. I hope that I don't fail.

I hope they'll look back at this, and be proud of me.