I need to work.

Apparently, I need to work more. I've got a job I'm starting on Monday, and I moonlight when I can as a DJ. However, that's not helping meet the bills, so I'm going to start looking for yet another job to suppliment all of this. Maybe if I'm working enough, I can afford a house for me and the kids, even though I won't be around to take care of them! Who knows?

All I know right now is that it's not enough. I feel like shit for not being able to bring my kids with me. I'm depressed because I can't seem to make my wife understand where I'm coming from, and I don't really think she cares much anyway. I'm frustrated that I'm stuck in a home with two other guys who don't care or want to listen to my problems. I'm pissed off that I really have no one to turn to about my problems aside from this stupid fucking blog. I'm annoyed that as I write this, I'm sure that Doggybloggy and Snugs are going to think up some nasty shit to say about me, and they're more than likely going to hit close enough to home to actually hurt.

All in all, I'm feeling a failure, living a lie, and unsure of where to go.

Yay for summertime.

Compare and Contrast

You know, for the past few weeks I've done nothing but bitch and complain. Today, while driving around getting errands done, I had an epiphany.

See, I've had issues that have affected our relationship. However, to be fair, I want some kind of comparison to see how things stack up.

Know what? I think I've found it.

See, with me her major problem is my lying. I've been working on it. I'm MUCH better now than I used to be. I've still got a LONG way to go.

Now I've got a comparison for her: Her weight. It's been an issue for her since the beginning of our relationship. It's bothered her time and again. Hell, she's actually gotten heavier since I've met her than when we got together.

She tells me that I'm not making progress fast enough for her, and she's frustrated with my apparent lack of progress.

Turn the mirror around, please. She's been on one diet or another since we've been together. Yet she hasn't made ANY progress, in fact, she's WORSE now than when we met.

Now, she holds against me my past transgressions. She refuses to forgive, and when I fail all of my previous mistakes are brought back out and thrown back in my face. She can't let go of the past, and sees each step I take on my attempt to control my lying with a pessimistic attitude. I don't see any kind of support, only a "we'll see how this one does" kind of attitude.

Look at her: She's now at a weight loss camp to try to improve her coping skills. She's upset with my apparent lack of support. Yet I've seen time and again how she'll start a diet and lose some weight. Then she'll celebrate, take a week off, and go back to the diet only to find that she isn't losing weight fast enough, and abandon the diet. Rinse and repeat. I can't count the number of times I've seen it. Tell me.. Why should I believe that this one is going to be any different aside from the amount of cash that was spent to send her off for a month-long getaway? Is this any different than her "wait and see" attitude on my issues?

No. It's not.

By her standards, I should be leaving her because her weight issue hasn't made enough progress, and looks to stay a problem. Just like she's passing judgement on my lying.

However, with all that has happened, I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I'm willing to look past it all. I'm honestly hoping that this one will be the key, and she'll make the progress she needs. However, even if it doesn't, I'm still there to love this person FOR WHO THEY ARE.

Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I'm a complete fool who needs to get a serious dose of reality, and come down from cloud 9. Maybe I'll wake up and smell reality sometime soon.. Who knows?

I just wish that somehow I could get through to this person just how much I honestly care, and can't understand why they can't do the same..

Irritation

You know, when I get irritated, I can't sit still. I have to get up, and move my ass, and DO something.

Today, I'm irritated. I've gone out and mowed the lawn. I did dishes. As soon as my roommate gets his stuff out of the washer and dryer, I'm going to do my laundry. Right now? I'm going to bitch and complain and give my opinion on things.

First off: Relationships.

How is it that two people can come together, decide that they're right for each other, and then have one of those folks try to change the other person for the rest of the time that they're together?

Here's my ideal relationship: Two people meet. They fall in love with each other, flaws and all. They work with each other to compliment and support one another regardless of what comes along. They struggle and cry through the bad times, and they enjoy and celebrate the good times. They share it all, do it all, and plan it all TOGETHER.

More often than not, however, I see it another way. I see it as two folks meeting, loving each other for some reason, and deciding to make a "go" of it. Then these two spend a few years hounding each other about what they need to change, who's responsible for what, and blaming each other for the lack found in the relationship. Then, it flames out, and the two go their separate ways, usually harboring some kind of resentment or hurt over the other person.

WHY? Why do we inisit on trying this? Why can't grown people come to some sort of compromise, and make things work? What gives one person the right to decide what's going to be the norm or example of how a relationship should work, and then force the other person to conform or get out?

WHY?

To be honest, I don't know.

I'd love to have a relationship where we both were able to give, to work through things, and to struggle TOGETHER to achieve common goals. I'd love to say that even when things are difficult, and times are trying, that my significant other is there supporting and comforting me. I'd love to say that I've got the answers.

The fact is that I don't. I don't have ANY kind of answer. I've got dreams, and I've got hopes, but aside from those, I have NOTHING.

At one time, I'd have told you that I had everything I needed. A happy home. A loving wife. A stable job. Now? I've got a job I haven't started yet. I've got a place to stay, but no home. I don't have a wife, and I've given my kids to my ex, so I've basically lost my family.

My hope is that somehow things will turn out for the better. I don't know what path that will take. I don't know if I'll be able to turn around and find out this was all just a nasty dream, and things have taken a better turn. I don't know if I'll be forced to look elsewhere for that person. Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to even try to find someone. Maybe I'm better off being alone, and trying to make things work on my own. Maybe my problem is that I'm hoping for someone else, when all I really should be doing is taking care of things myself, and let everyone else burn. Who knows?

As of now, I'm resigned. I'm irritated, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted, and I'm out of patience.

We'll see what happens, because you know at some point I'll be back to write or complain some more!

Until then..

No words, just feelings

I'm at a loss.

There's really no other way to describe it. In one short simple phrase, it's gone. My wife, my family, my livelihood.. GONE.

As of yesterday, hope has taken a leave of absence. It's pretty much final. My marriage is over.

How do I feel?

Bewildered. Stunned. Lost.

Yet, I'm angry. Pissed. Upset with myself, and with my wife-soon-to-be-second-ex. I feel terrible for my kids. I feel hounded by my bad decisions and confused by some of her reactions to things that really had no effect on her or our relationship, yet she chose to make them so.

I'm offended.

The last time I talked with her, she told me that one of her major decisions in calling it quits was because of my failure to fight harder to keep my kids.

That comment really kind of pushed me over the edge.

Want to know why?

I can barely afford to keep myself in a small room at a friend's house and pay for my car and cell phone. I can't really pitch much in in the way of groceries, let alone sundries like laundry detergent or toothpaste.

Now, on that limited budget try to figure out how you're going to get medical coverage for three kids, plus feed them, clothe them, pay for their meals while at school or daycare. Hell, try to figure out how to pay for daycare!

I'm not perfect, but I do want what's best for my kids. I can't provide for them on my own, but my ex, she's married and has a stable income and a house to live in. That's WAY more than I can provide right now.

Did I want to let her have them? HELL NO.

However, the choice had been made for me long before I had to start looking. Was I supposed to sit around and daydream about "what if's" and "maybes"? Not where they're concerned. If it was just for myself, I probably would have. I can't afford that kind of time where they're concerned.

To be honest, right now I'm of a mindset that if this marriage ends, she can take from it what she brought into it. That means that my kids aren't going to be seeing her, if I have any kind of say in the matter.

But there's another side of me that knows how much of a caring person she is, and how good of a mother she was to my kids. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile that person with the person I'm seeing right now. I'm trying, but it's DAMN HARD.

So for now, I guess it's just going to be me trying to pick up the pieces I have left, and move on.

Alone.

Yet another annoying rant coming on....

Ok.

First off, I get that folks would be upset at me for thinking that weight loss is a simple matter. Heck, I'm overweight, why can't I get it done?

However, to back up my argument, here's how I see it:

First off, there's moderation, like I posted earlier. Take everything in moderated amounts. THAT INCLUDES EXERCISE, NOT JUST FOOD.

Secondly, you have to stick with this. You have to want to make it work, and you have to be dedicated enough to go through with it RAIN OR SHINE. Just because it's a nasty day out doesn't mean that you get a free pass. It means that you get creative, and find some other way of getting your exercise in without walking that mile uphill, or whatever.

Personally, I'm overweight because I really don't care. Plain and simple. I'm comfortable with myself. Yeah, it'd be nice to have the fit and toned body that I had when I came out of the service, but that was 20 years ago, and I'm not going to put myself through the rigors I went through to get there again.

Plus, I love food. I like the taste, I love the textures, I love the smells, and I love to eat. I enjoy cooking it, eating it, preparing it.. The whole nine yards.

I actually DO exercise. I don't exercise nearly enough for the amount of crap I put into myself, but I do get out and get active. I play volleyball three times a week for about 2-2 1/2 hours each time. It's fun, it's active, and it gets the sweat flowing and the muscles moving.

If I could restrain myself from taking in so much crap, I'm sure that I'd drop weight, and get down in pounds and sizes. However, because of my care-free attitude, I don't. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for how I am, and where I'm at. I don't eat because I'm stressed, I don't eat because I'm angry, I don't eat to take out aggression or passion about something. I eat because I love to eat, 'nuff said.

Now, I know that there are healthier ways to prepare foods. I also know that there are better items out there to eat besides red meat and beer. That being said, I also know that if I decide to fix steak and potatoes, I don't eat an entire pound of steak and six helpings of potatoes, and instead opt for a reasonable cut, and one medium baked potato will suffice. I mean, c'mon! This seriously ISN'T rocket science!

I've taken nutrition courses. I've cooked the "regular" and "weight-saving" ways. To be honest, aside from the meat substitutions, it's really not much different! The calories are still there, the carbs actually get higher with some more "health conscious" foods if you're not careful, and sodium increases with some of the preparations you make in the "healthier" meals.

Basically, if you pay attention, READ what you're putting into stuff, moderate what you eat, and balance that with exercise, you're going to lose weight, and slim down. I know that saying this seems simple, and to be honest I really think it is. You just have to make it a priority, and stick with it. Habits are formed easily. If you can stick with a habit of buying and preparing healthy food, plus exercising daily.. You'll lose the weight.

I don't see what all the hype is, really. Get a gym membership. Buy some cookbooks, and instead of going with red meats, substitute chicken or turkey. Eat more fish. Make meals smaller, and have a couple more during the day. Instead of three square meals, have five. Breakfast, after breakfast, lunch, midday, and dinner. Or, if you want, snack ALL DAY, but don't actually sit down for a serious meal. Whatever you decide, you need to stick with. BUT ADD THE EXERCISE. You could seriously eat like a mouse, and hardly take in anything during the day. But if you don't exercise, and sit on your butt, you're still going to mushroom. Take in food, burn it off by swimming, or running, or playing basketball, or some such thing. JUST BE CONSISTENT. If it rains, go run on the treadmill instead of outside. Just make sure that you're dedicated to not only feeding yourself, but exercising as well.

I'm done ranting. I know that this will probably offend all of you, since each and every time I've said something along these lines, it pisses folks off.. So be it. If you don't like what I say, you honestly don't have to come back here and read it!

ARRGH!

I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm pissed..

Well, since I'm writing, that's usually a given, isn't it?

What makes behavior in one person acceptable to someone, while the same behavior from someone else is completely intolerable?

Is there some kind of magic switch that makes us view things from specific people radically different from others?

Take this for example:

I've got two dogs. However, since moving out, the dogs have stayed at the house with the sister-in-law who has been living with us for the past TWO years. I took said dogs to the groomers, and brought them back. Upon dropping by the house today to check for any mail, I found the dogs still outside, no water, dirty, unkept, and I'm not really sure if they were fed, either.

I proceeded to complain about this to my wife. I also stated that if taking care of the dogs was too much for the sister-in-law, I'd be willing to dog-sit them until wife got home, and bring them back up to the house.

In response, I got a snooty reply, letting me know that _I_ wasn't such a good person to take care of the dogs, either, and to stop writing negative emails to her, as she's enjoying her time there, and doesn't want to spoil anything.

So, it's ok for Sis to mistreat the dogs, because obviously I did it too, right? Um, excuse me? I got kicked out of the house! Shouldn't the same kind of treatment be levied against good 'ol sister too? If not that, maybe some kind of nice, long silent treatment, with a good long bitch session two or three days later?

If this were my brother, I can guarantee you that she'd be up in arms over the way he'd been treating the dogs, and he'd be a bastard for life. However, it's her sister, her family, and nothing and nobody is going to be able to show her that things aren't going well there.

Honestly, I don't want to bitch and complain to her about things here. I would LOVE for things here to be nice, and peaceful, and happy-go-lucky.

However, reality dictates that I be sincere. I get in too much trouble when I start making things up, and honesty is the best policy, correct? Here's a reality check for you: Just because you're having a nice time AT A RESORT doesn't mean that REAL LIFE IS GOING TO STOP FOR YOU. Sure, you might have put it on "hold" for a bit, but the fact of the matter is that you're going to have to face the things you've put aside, and deal with them eventually whether you want to or not.

I've offered to help. I've tried to be supportive. Hell, I've bent over backwards to do what she's asked, even when I don't agree with it.

I just can't anymore.

WAKE UP.

You're at a camp to learn how to lose weight, and keep with a program. However, I don't think it teaches you how to say "no" to your desires of grabbing an easy fast-food lunch when you're out with clients. I also don't think they teach you the willpower to say "no" to friends when they keep pestering you to go eat appetizers at your favorite restaurants. They give you skills you need in order to fix your meals, and exercise. They don't teach you self-restraint and common sense. Those are assumed to have been learned. However, if you've gotten into the habit of putting something aside "just this once" a few times too often, you get into a vicious circle of starting off strong, and fading quickly thereafter.

Sad, but that's what I see happening here. It's the same with any diet program that I've seen taken in action. Binge, purge, workouts, exercise, nutrition, Atkins, whatever you want. You start it, stay focused for a while, make headway, and celebrate by letting go for a bit. Then you buckle down to start in again, but not as strict as the last time. Not as much of a result, disillusionment sets in, and it starts sliding backwards from there.

Wow. At first this was a rant against Sister In Law and my wife's protection of her, and it's turned into a flame against my wife's drive for yet another diet and exercise program.

It's late. I should get to bed.

Think about this for a second:

Moderation has always been the key for stable weight loss and dieting. If you consistently exercise, and moderate how much you eat, you'll lose weight, or maintain the weight that you want to be at. Granted, it's not going to be some HUGE weight loss that you'll document for a couple of weeks. It's going to be gradual, and it's going to take time and effort. (GASP!) Yes.. TIME and EFFORT. You have to work at it (consiously!) in order to make it effective and work.

Anyway, that's my bitch. Read or ignore at your leisure.

Time to pick the collective brain...

Do you ever really think that something could be beyond repair?

I mean, if you were committed to working and compromising for whatever it took, could something REALLY be beyond repair?

I ask, because I know that I would give anything, everything, and maybe even more to put my marriage back.

I'm not sure if my wife knows this. I mean, she gives me the lip service telling me that she does, yet her actions don't really seem to suit the words and phrases that she gives me, you know?

Anyway, I'm now moved in to my "new" place. I'm not settled, but I have moved. I still check on the house, make sure everything's taken care of while she's gone. To be honest, I don't know what else to do, really.

I'm asking her if she's wanting me to pick her up from the airport when she gets back, or if she doesn't want to see me and has other plans made....

We'll find out, won't we?

Confession

Well, I swore to myself that I was going to leave blogging alone, and not come back. However, since I've basically lied to everyone else, why not myself as well?

This weekend, I get to move what little I have of my own to a new place. Yes, the wife has asked me to move out, and see if we can't start over. However, knowing her mindset, this is basically goodbye, don't bother calling us, we'll call you.

Not only that, but with my limited income, I've had to send my kids back to live with my ex. I _really_ can't stand that part, but there's really nothing else I can do here. I can't ask my wife to watch my own kids while I'm living someplace else, now can I? Not only that, but she and my oldest don't get along at all, and I can guarantee you that she wouldn't deal with that one. Sure, she might be willing for the younger two, but considering that I've got THREE kids, not just two, that deal isn't going to work for me. If I could afford it, I'd keep them with me, but in order to have a house where we could LIVE, I'd need to make twice as much as I do, and prove that I can bring in THREE TIMES that monthly. I hate to admit it, but there really are times where I wish I'd been more attentive in school, and finished it.

I'm floundering. I'm lost. I've heard a song recently that seems to speak directly to me as if I thought it all up, and someone else wrote it all down, and put it to music. The song is by the group The Script, and it's called "Break Even".

Here's a little taste of the song:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin'
Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I've got time while she's got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks well it don't break even

I can relate wholeheartedly to this one set of lines. Yeah, I'm here. I'm functioning. I'm still plodding on day by day. However, I don't have any joy in it anymore. I could really care less how each day turns out, because the next one will be quite similar. Same shit, different day.

I pray for some kind of change. Some kind of sign, some kind of hope. However, I don't believe it will, I don't believe that it can, and I really hold no hope because if there were a God out there, HOW COULD HE LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME TWICE?? No, not once.. TWICE. I've put my heart and soul into changing and becoming a better husband and father. I'm miles away from where I was just 10 short years ago. I know I've still got miles to go. Yet with all of that, I don't care. Why? Because I've lost my family. My kids are at my ex's house. My wife's left me. My real reason for change isn't there anymore. My hope, my will, my desire is GONE.

My wife's at a resort right now trying to change her life. She's working to become more comfortable in her own skin. She's trying to learn how to develop the skills and techniques she needs to operate in this crazy world without losing her sense of self. I'm all for it. She needs that confidence and those skills. Hell, I basically forced her to go when she started talking about putting her trip off for a later date.

Yet, as she stays there, alone, without me, without the stresses of life and family, she gets further and further away, and it becomes much easier to just let us go. Distance does that to us all. Out of sight, out of mind, out of life. She's got the freedom, I've got nothing but time to think about how screwed up I've made this entire thing. I've got nothing but time to think about all of my flaws, my failures, my setbacks, my losses. When your marriage is ending it's really difficult to see any kind of success, you know?

I have a new job. The hours suck. The days suck. It's a nice job, if I can just get over the days and hours that I work. I'm sure I'll be able to at some point, but for now it just sucks balls. Yeah, there's some nice benefits and perks, but all in all, it's a shit job, and we all know it. I've got to make the income somehow, though. Because of this, I'll deal, and hope for something better.

I don't know if I'll write anymore, but this was just me trying to vent, and get things off my chest before I self imploded. I hope and pray that any of my readers don't fall into this problem I have, and that you live life to the fullest, cherishing and enjoying each moment like it was your last.. Because from my viewpoint, it very well could be. Take care, take heart, and be good to each other.

Jorm