Confessional

Well, I can tell when I post something that's a bit too brutally honest, because my wife will get on here and yell at me about it.

I don't feel the need to apologize on here, because after all, this is a kind of journal about who I am, and what I'm feeling. So if I offended, don't read.

That being said, I have been wondering since our "discussion" last night about some things...

Before I got some help in my lying problem, I never could have imagined that being completely honest could be considered a bad thing.

Now?

I'm not so sure, really.

I mean, look at the last post. I opened my heart, and blogged about how I felt. This, in turn, caused the woman I love to become very upset with me over how I expressed my feelings. In a sense, I was too honest, and it really pissed her off.

So now I'm trying to figure out (in my lying rehab-kind of way) where would the compromise be? When is it "ok" to lie? When is telling the "full" truth too much?

I'm still pretty new to the whole full-disclosure stuff. I mean, for me telling a lie is like offering a drink to an alcoholic. You can make the choice to tell that lie, or take that drink, but the chances of falling back on your old behaviors increase exponentially.

My wife doesn't believe that. Not one bit.

In her opinion, I'm just making a choice, and that I choose to lie, or tell the truth. There's no habit to break, there's nothing that could cause me to just up and run with it once the first one has been said.

Me?

I grew up telling lies to get out of trouble. I was pretty darn good at it, too. I'd lie just to keep from getting a wooden paddle, or power cord whipping, or my face slapped. I never knew what kind of punishment I'd get, so I'd make sure that the story I told had enough truth in it to be believeable, and then the rest would just be a type of garnish.

It became a habit. I'd lie to the folks outside of the house, because I didn't want them to know about my family, or how I was being treated. I wanted them to think I was a normal, well-adjusted kid. Not an abused soul who was desperately trying to find a way out and survive.

I'd lie to my parents, just to make living there bearable. Chores, minor jobs, homework, you name it. They asked, I did, and then I'd lie of something went wrong. I knew what they expected of me, so the lies were easier to make up for people you knew.

I'd lie at school. I didn't want the teachers or cousellors to know what was going on at home, because I feared the scrutiny. What would my parents do to me if they suddenly were investigated because of my behavior at school?

Pretty soon, the lies were more of my reality than the truth was.

And there's the rub.

Now? I've been very good about keeping myself honest. Yeah, I embellish a little, but my wife reminds me, and I reign myself in, and tone it down. I've been brutally honest, and things seem to be going well, until the honesty gets to be too much, and feelings get hurt.

You know, it's very true that the saying "Truth hurts" is more than just an emotional hurt. Feelings _do_ get hurt. But there are times when the truth feels more like a punch in the gut or kidneys than anything else.

I'm still learning, and I'm trying to come to terms with who I am.

However, don't think for a second that I'll apologize for telling my side of a story.

Yeah, you might not like what I have to say, but it's my opinion, and my feelings. I have the right to say these things, and I'll be more than willing to talk about them even if you're not reading. That's YOUR decision, and your choice.

I'll talk about some funny stories tomorrow, unless the wife and I get into a fight about this post tonight.. Then there'll be more about that tomorrow!

Stay tuned.