Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Confessional

Well, I can tell when I post something that's a bit too brutally honest, because my wife will get on here and yell at me about it.

I don't feel the need to apologize on here, because after all, this is a kind of journal about who I am, and what I'm feeling. So if I offended, don't read.

That being said, I have been wondering since our "discussion" last night about some things...

Before I got some help in my lying problem, I never could have imagined that being completely honest could be considered a bad thing.

Now?

I'm not so sure, really.

I mean, look at the last post. I opened my heart, and blogged about how I felt. This, in turn, caused the woman I love to become very upset with me over how I expressed my feelings. In a sense, I was too honest, and it really pissed her off.

So now I'm trying to figure out (in my lying rehab-kind of way) where would the compromise be? When is it "ok" to lie? When is telling the "full" truth too much?

I'm still pretty new to the whole full-disclosure stuff. I mean, for me telling a lie is like offering a drink to an alcoholic. You can make the choice to tell that lie, or take that drink, but the chances of falling back on your old behaviors increase exponentially.

My wife doesn't believe that. Not one bit.

In her opinion, I'm just making a choice, and that I choose to lie, or tell the truth. There's no habit to break, there's nothing that could cause me to just up and run with it once the first one has been said.

Me?

I grew up telling lies to get out of trouble. I was pretty darn good at it, too. I'd lie just to keep from getting a wooden paddle, or power cord whipping, or my face slapped. I never knew what kind of punishment I'd get, so I'd make sure that the story I told had enough truth in it to be believeable, and then the rest would just be a type of garnish.

It became a habit. I'd lie to the folks outside of the house, because I didn't want them to know about my family, or how I was being treated. I wanted them to think I was a normal, well-adjusted kid. Not an abused soul who was desperately trying to find a way out and survive.

I'd lie to my parents, just to make living there bearable. Chores, minor jobs, homework, you name it. They asked, I did, and then I'd lie of something went wrong. I knew what they expected of me, so the lies were easier to make up for people you knew.

I'd lie at school. I didn't want the teachers or cousellors to know what was going on at home, because I feared the scrutiny. What would my parents do to me if they suddenly were investigated because of my behavior at school?

Pretty soon, the lies were more of my reality than the truth was.

And there's the rub.

Now? I've been very good about keeping myself honest. Yeah, I embellish a little, but my wife reminds me, and I reign myself in, and tone it down. I've been brutally honest, and things seem to be going well, until the honesty gets to be too much, and feelings get hurt.

You know, it's very true that the saying "Truth hurts" is more than just an emotional hurt. Feelings _do_ get hurt. But there are times when the truth feels more like a punch in the gut or kidneys than anything else.

I'm still learning, and I'm trying to come to terms with who I am.

However, don't think for a second that I'll apologize for telling my side of a story.

Yeah, you might not like what I have to say, but it's my opinion, and my feelings. I have the right to say these things, and I'll be more than willing to talk about them even if you're not reading. That's YOUR decision, and your choice.

I'll talk about some funny stories tomorrow, unless the wife and I get into a fight about this post tonight.. Then there'll be more about that tomorrow!

Stay tuned.

11 comments:

Real Live Lesbian said...

Tell the truth. That's all.

As far as the wife, does she have no problems? If she does, tell her to just stop.

gottaluvme3 said...

I have know idea what you are talking about...and you have no idea how I feel or why I feel that way. You just don't get it, and probably never will....

Seriously, you need to stop saying things to get people to feel sorry for you. They probably think you are a saint, especially with the crap you talk about me....but if they only knew. I have nothing more to say. I could care less what others think. And they can think what they want to about you...I think they would be blown away by the person you aren't.

Dana said...

Ahhhh ... I get it Jorg, I really do! The truth is expected, as long as it's what the other person wants to hear. Deviate from that and then you are being selfish, rude and unreasonable.

My thoughts? You can't go wrong with the truth - your truth. Feelings are what feelings are - different for every person involved. When that difference is respected empathy and compassion grow!

Bee said...

While I can appreciate being true to oneself when writing your emotions and what makes you tick, you also have to think about what might hurt your loved ones. I personally would never say anything publicly about my husband that I know might hurt him. Not because I don’t think I have the right to express my opinion freely but because I love and respect him too much.

For the same reason, I would never try to engage him in an argument in front of people. I would just tell him I’d like to speak to him privately and then we may lay out our point of views when nobody else is there to judge us out of context.

We are heading for out 8th anniversary and we dated for 4 years prior to getting married. He wouldn’t hurt me for the world nor I him. That is just my opinion.

just a girl... said...

Oh lord. Why do I always feel the need to put in my two cents. Oh thats right, because you asked for it.

I am sure your wife is a very nice lady but she has some serious trust issues that she probably needs to get counseling for.

I don't think you are a saint and I don't care really who you are as a person. I think the main problem here is that your wife doesn't understand what a blog is. So let me try and help her out again.

Its a place for you to be whoever and whatever you want to be. Its a place for you to vent, bitch, laugh, get angry or whatever else you want to do. because its your blog. I guess this really hits me close to home because I look at my blog like a journal/diary. Its a place for just me and I dont give a fuck if other people like what I write, feel or anything else. Although some of these people are your friends a lot of them aren't. They are just people like you and I trying to get by in this world and have found a common interest in blogging.

I wonder if she had a diary and you read it, if you would be "allowed" to gripe and moan as she seems to do. Why can't she just be happy that you have found and outlet that gives you something that you need.

I also wonder if people read this and realize why there spouse/significant other has to lie about things.

I have said it once and I will say it over and over. Be glad he isn't hiding this blog. This blog isn't about you its about your husband, so seriously get over it.

gottaluvme3 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
just a girl... said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gottaluvme3 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

Three things--

1.Bee's advice will prolong and strengthen your relationship.

2. The truth is always your best bet, but...

3. Everyone has their own truth, even when it is two sides to the same story.


Good luck to you both.

Jormengrund said...

RLL: Thank you. I don't think she's got problems, I think she's not able to see the objectivity I'm writing under, and is feeling put-upon.

Hon: Advice taken. Read tomorrow.

Dana: True. I don't know if I'll ever learn, but it's been interesting trying.

Bee: Thank you. I've taken steps to deal with this, and I do appreciate other advice in the matter.

JAG: I don't know, but I'm of the firm belief of "do unto others", and since I'd not like it, I'm going to stop.

Live & Learn: Well said. Let's hope that our communication will bridge this problem, shall we?

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

I hope working on communication helps you both to work things out. I hate to see anyone unhappy.

PS I think your blog rules are great ( and should really have been inferred by your readers anyway.)