Conflict

I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do.

I am a survivor. I lived through a hell that no child should have to deal with.

I was abused by my own mother while growing up. I craved affection, but dealt with a slap or a muttered insult instead of a hug or a word of kindness from her.

I still have serious hate for some of the things that my mom was able to do to me that I couldn't protect myself from.

Yet for all of that, I still love her, and I still crave that acceptance and love from her.

This last month, I got news that has put my head, heart and life into complete chaos.

I learned that my mom has cancer.

Not just a little bit, her body is riddled with it. Kidneys, liver, lungs.. She's been given approximately 2 years tops before it claims her life.

And I am torn up about how I should feel about this.

One part of me feels justice is being served. Karma has come around, and the woman who was able to put her oldest son in the hospital and cover it up as him being clumsy is reaping what she sewed.

Part of me wants to gloat about her finally having to deal with something that she isn't going to be able to protect herself from, and to see her have to struggle with it like I had to.

Part of me wants to cry out in anger because I'm not able to cause her these problems myself, and get some sort of vengeance personally.

Yet another part of me feels serious loss of someone who I have tried to impress and be accepted by.

And yet the final part of me is struggling to cope with the sadness of not being able to patch my relationship with her and come to some kind of compromise.

Loss? Love? Revenge? Anger?

It's all there. I just don't know which one I feel more of.

And with my life still seemingly out of control, I don't know if I have time to figure it out. I still have classes to deal with, kids to raise, and a job that I have to work. I don't even get a chance to visit her this holiday season because I don't have enough time off of work to see my family.

Maybe resigned is a better emotion?

I don't know. I just hope that I'll be able to sort out these emotions before it does some kind of other damage to me that I can't quantify or cope with.

Wish me luck.. I think I'm going to need it.

Checking in

Well, I should be in bed, but for some reason I just can't seem to get my brain to quit working today.

I am near the end of my classes, graduation is just aroud the corner for my degree. What exactly will a degree do for me? I mean, I have the experience, and now I guess I'll have a piece of paper saying that I have the schooling as well. I have never really understood why a piece of paper is more valuable than the experience of really doing the job, but some companies set more expectations on schooling and classes than on actually DOING the work you go to school for!

I got bad news this month, and I'm still trying to process it.

For now, I'm not going to comment on it, but eventually you all know that I can't keep things just tumbling in my head, and it will eventually make it's way into these pages. Just give me time to think about it all and what my feelings about it truly are. Right now it's so much of a jumble that I don't know what to say, or what to think...

Frustration seems to be the word of the day more than anything else lately.

Working 12+ hours a day, except on Thursdays when I have 18 hours of classes.. What a glamorous life I get to live!

Until my next post, keep reading!

Motivation

Yeah, I'm lacking it.

I can't really get motivated for work, school, kids, even personal stuff.

I could care less right now.

What's going on?

Dunno.

Maybe it's because I want to do things I used to, but my health and body just can't keep up with the daydreams I'm having?

Could be. I doubt it.

Right now, I'm just trying to find my focus again. I need to find that compass, and find my true north so that I can get back on track.

Because right now? I'm kind of lost and just wandering until something catches my attention for a short while.

So I guess you could consider me an ADD hiker right now. Something bright and shiny comes by, and I follow it until the next bright and shiny thing passes by.....

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Hey look! A quarter!

Arrgh

You know, there are times when I know damn well that I have no control over other people, but I really REALLY wish there were times when I could direct what was happening instead of having to roll with the punches..

I have, in case you just started reading this (welcome you select few!), gone back to school for my degree in computer science. Why? Because I was fired from my last job, and even though I have YEARS of experience in the field, the job market won't even look at my resume without having that pretty piece of paper that says I was taught the "right" way to do my job.

Thus, I have put myself back into debt, and headed back into the classroom.

Now, I can't very well go to classes and support myself, so I have also work that I have to juggle as well. Not to worry, I can handle this as well. After all, I only have three kids to see, a house to help maintain and pay for, a car to maintain and upkeep, fill with fuel, insure, and pay for.. Student loans to pay back, classwork to read and homework to complete.. Oh yeah.. Let's not forget the wonderful woman I am dating that needs attention too!

Where, oh where is there time for anything else? This post? It's been cobbled together over the past few months when I've had some time to read something other than a textbook or installation manual..

This guy is getting tired. But for a silver lining, I'm halfway there! Well, at least for now I am!

You know what else is bothering me?

Guess what, I'm going to tell you anyway!

I am a very anal-retentive person when it comes to what I do, regardless of what it is. I have to do my homework papers in just such a manner, I have to turn in my reports and such in a specific format, and I don't like doing anything half-assed. The same goes for work. I like a structured, linear workload. I will sit for a while and plan out how I'm going to do a specific job or task, then plot out what I need for the job, and then work on it. I don't do a scrap job or just enough to get by.. I do the job right the first time, because I really can't stand going back to fix something. It's just how I am, I don't apologize for it, and usually it makes me a very valuable employee.

However, at some point this has become a detriment to the job I do now. I don't know how, I don't know when, and I don't know why, but being the perfectionist that I am is causing major problems in my work. Somehow, my wanting things to be just right is actually causing more problems than preventing them. I don't know how this oxymoron of a situation happened, but the fact of the matter is that trying to make things right is actually making things wrong.. Leave it to me to find the one loophole in a situation and exploit it without even realizing it!

There comes a point in time when I will probably get fed up, and scream "I give up!". But for now, I just swallow my pride, my ire, and my ego and just go forward. I mean, where else do I have to go?

I just wish I had a map sometimes.. I hate travelling blind.

Frustration!!

Well, I'm just about to go postal, and it's barely into the week. What's wrong with me?

Yesterday, I had some work to do, so I took the kids with me, and tried to get it done. Let's just leave out the fact that I forgot to bring some of the needed materials with me, which required yet another trip back to the house in order to get the stuff I needed, and let's also forget that the shop that I've been using is also being used by someone else, and I have to share the space, ok?

So once my claustrophobic chore was done yesterday, I took the kids home went home myself. Problem is that I get into thinking that my work is done, and the girlfriend has other ideas. She isn't feeling good, so time requirements get cut a bit shorter as I want to be able to care and help her as well as take care of things around the house and my job.

Then I've got some issues with scheduling. I have classes three days a week, and a job that I can schedule around the class time, but very time-intensive when they are needed. I have a very large job looming on the horizon right now, and I'm trying to wrap my head around the project, while keeping afloat in class and the regular day-to-day grind. Plus, I have gotten an added install to do, and it's keeping me on my feet for the moment.

I'm frazzled. I have homework and studies to do, yet I want time to unwind from work and classes. Somehow, I don't feel like I can, and be true to my work and my classes. Yet my greatest issue right now is my drive to escape, and throw any cares into a pile to sort out "later". Where does this kind of thinking come from? What is my focus? Where is the objective for this goal at?

I need to find a happy medium, and see how I can balance it all out. I need to prioritize everything, and see how I can make it all fit. I need to set personal boundaries, and then stick to it. I also need to set some personal time into it all, and let the body and brain unwind.

While I'm at it, I need to see about adding a couple of extra hours into my day. Anyone have some to spare?

Ranting

I'm getting tired of all these stinking self-help commercials that are going on anymore.

I mean, come on! Really?

Let's see. We've got some skinny little thing that goes on television to tell millions of viewers how she lost 20 pounds, and look how much better she is! To be honest, if the camera angle was different, I'm sure you wouldn't be able to tell the change, but that might also be my skepticism showing..

Then there are those pill ads saying that all you need to do is take a pill three times a day and keep eating as you always do, and the pounds will just melt away. I call bullshit on this one too. I'm sure I didn't get to be happy and "fluffy" as Gabriel Iglesias calls it just by eating. I also gained weight by sitting on my ass instead of exercising. I also think that my addiction to fast food instead of home-cooked meals would have something to do it as well. Next, define "normal" for me. "Normal" for someone overweight might be two extra-value meals complete with all the trimmings. Yet it might mean a glass of water, some salad and a granola bar for someone else. Who exactly determines what is "normal" when you are advertising something?

Trying to push pharmeceutical drugs on television are starting to bother me, too. Birth control? We've got a new pill/contraceptive/insert for that. Depressed? We've got pills for that. I tend to disagree with the idea that if it's new, it's got to be something better than the tried-and-true methods. I don't fear new things, I just prefer more thorough testing and research being done for drugs testing instead of trying to push things out on the market as soon as possible. However, as my macabre humor noticed, if you have the side effect of death for your antidepressant, there's an upside there. If you die, then you don't have to deal with being depressed, so that's a win in my book.

How lazy have we become as consumers? We can now sit, watch TV, and lose weight, feel good about it, and eat the same junk we always have and not be concerned about four self-desructive behavior. Maybe if we were all able to hire personal apologists for our actions we'd be better off.

The only way it would be better would be if the apologist came in pill form..

STRESS!!

Yeah, I'm a bit frazzled.

I have been in my classes now for a little over a year. I'm still holding strong to a 3.98 GPA (one stinking B+!! GRR!) I am working full-time for my girlfriend who owns her own business installing, developing, designing and creating graphics, AND we're moving this week to a new place....

Yeah, my cup runneth over, and right now I wish it was someone else's cup.

Don't get me wrong. I've been looking forward to all of this. I enjoy the classes. There's plenty of information that I didn't know about my chosen field that is jumping out at me. I love working, because I can't stand to just sit on my ass every day and hope things happen. I love my girlfriend, mainly because she accepts me for who I am, and not what she thinks I should be. And lastly I've been really looking forward to a bigger place because this little apartment would give even the most hearty of constitutions claustrophobia if they had to live here with another person and a fuzzy pet.

However, combining all of these elements into one really blows.

I mean, girlfriend gets stressed, and because of this, packing lags. Due to packing lags, moving gets put behind. Because moving gets pushed back, I do some work, and have to complete the job before continuing moving. However, this also has to take a backseat to classes, which are a priority for me right now. Juggle all of these, and then try to spice it up with the little surprises that make life just so much more interesting, and you've got a formula for the reason some folks grab high-powered rifles and try to kill every living thing in sight...

Not there yet, but there are times...

So, I'm trying to take bite-sized pieces out of the equation. I am trying to set a bunch of small goals to reach instead of large ambiguous ones, and see if it helps any.

Right now? I'd have to say.. "No, not so much, thanks for playing."

But at least I did try to work outside of the box, and try something different, right?

Wish me luck and sanity!

Have a happy holidays, and many enjoyable returns!