Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Honesty

Why is it that the longer folks are together, the harder it seems to be for them to be open and honest to each other?

There are so many small, unspoken hurts, fears, and concerns that we tend to gloss over because we feel they're really not important at the moment to address. However, these small things tend to add up quickly, and fester. Eventually it all jumbles together, and if not treated, becomes nearly lethal.

My marriage is like this now. There have been hurts. There have been problems. There have been concerns. There have been fears.

However, none of this is ever addressed until it becomes a MAJOR issue. Then, it pops, and becomes this ugly, open sore.

By the time this happens, the only thing left to do is to try to heal it, but it leaves a vicious, pock-marked scar.

So now I'm trying to deal with a bleeding open wound, but this time I'm not sure that I've got what it takes to heal it. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try.

The question now is if my other half is still willing, or if she wants to just let it bleed out, and give up.

I'm hoping she's a fighter, but lately, I really don't know.

It occurs to me that even after seven years of being with this woman, there are many things about her that I've never even known. There are habits and issues of hers that she's never even confided in me about herself.

I'm a seriously flawed person. I admit this. I play games too much. I like being on the computer. I don't really know how to be a "family" guy. I'm really not much of a father figure. Hell, at this point I'm questioning how much of a human being I really am.

The point here is that I'm willing to try to change. Hell, I HAVE changed. I'm much more of a better person than I was before I met my wife. I have her to thank for that. I know it, and I freely admit it.

Yet it seems that this person that I love, cherish, and truly want to spend the rest of my life with is the one person that I consistently hurt over, and over, and over again.

I don't intend it. I don't want to do it. However because of my flaws and character, it's going to happen whether I want it to or not. I really don't know if she can take much more, and to be honest, I don't know if I can really blame her.

But there's another part of me that really wishes she could see past the flaws. If she could look past the idiotic mistakes and stupid choices. That there could possibly be some form of patience and be willing to love me for who I am now.

However, that's wishful thinking at this point, I guess.

Now? All I've really got is the hope that somehow she'll know, and stick with me through the bad times.

I mean, that's part of the marriage vows, right?

Richer, poorer, better or Worse?

Well, in my opinion, it can't get much worse right now.

Nobody ever claimed that marriage was easy. If they did, they LIED. It's work. It's dedication. It's a commitment over everything else you ever hoped or planned to do. It's giving 300%, and not expecting anything in return, but hoping that the other side's giving 300% as well.

Unconditional love.

Yeah. I guess that's what I'm hoping for.

Love without any judgement. Love without rules, or regulations, or stipulations.

Heck, at this point I'd just settle for love, I think.

3 comments:

Joker_SATX said...

First off, I will say that I am sorry that you are going through this hassle. Boy I have been there. At times, I feel like I am there again, this being my third marriage.

Sometimes I just don't get it either. They say that the key to it is communication. But I feel that those who say it are so full of it.

I am with you here....key is for you to be happy. If you are no longer happy then, I think its time for a change.

Dana said...

Well ... I'm probably not the best person to comment on this post right now.

I believe that unconditional love sounds great, but is really, REALLY hard to do ... and most people won't risk the vulnerability required to make it happen.

My guess is this isn't all about you being a "bad" guy. I've never known a relationship where only one person was at "fault" We all contribute to the success - or failure - of our relationships.

You know me. I'm the one who wants to stick it out for the long run even when it's dark and ugly and looks helpless.

I just hope the two of you are able to find some common ground. I know there is much more to this than your post eludes to.

Jaime said...

i'm sorry you're going through this. i have no brilliant insights to offer, since i can't figure out how to fix things in my own life. but i hope you guys are able to work things out.