Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Fun, Frolic and the Age of Terrorism.

Yeah, I'm going to quote an excerpt that I read recently from a very funny comedian's book he published.

So without further ado, Tim Joyce's words from his book: Seize the Day Job.

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Man, did old FDR ever have balls. Think about it. He said we should embrace fearlessness and utilize the positive energy within us even as Hitler was preparing to do his little tap-dance through Europe. He told America to buck up and be brave - even while millions of Dust Bowl refugees were riding ramshackle jalopies across the desert - only to be beaten up by anti-union goons when they arrived in the New Jerusalem of California.

He said we should not be afraid, even though he himself lived in a wheelchair with no use whateover of his own legs. That is right buckaroos, the Franklinator was fearless even though he was a paraplegic, and remember: that wasWAY before the USA had anything resembling a ramp into a restaurant or a department store. When faced with the instinctive survival choice of Fight or Flight our first and only handicapped Commander in Chief only had one option really, so the bastard courageously went ahead and fought hard enough to end the Depression and win WWII.

He wasn't even afraid to look at Eleanor naked.

"Nothing to fear but fear itself." Wow.

Thank God George W. Bush came along to remind us daily that Franklin was off his wheelchair. Thank our good Christian God we live in times when conservative politicians and talk show hosts can jam up the AM radio dial with color-coded calls to look up at the sky and wailingly declare it falling.

We are so lucky to live in an age when our leaders have the kindness and decency to scare us with threats of Armageddon every hour on the hour. Just remember this America: if you aren't scared, if you aren't willing to give up all of your constitutional right up keep Freedon alive, well, you're just letting the terrorists know they won.

Forget national health care, forget civil rights, forget education, forget freedom of speech or religion. As righteous family-value espousing patriotic citizens the only thing we have left to do is live in constant pants-soiling paranoia. We now must be happy to be America: land of the free and home of 280 million chickenshits.

Never forget, and in fact never think about anything else at all but this following fact: We live in a post 9-11 world.

It is also worthwhile to be aware that if you have recently consumes a Slurpee you are living in a post 7-11 world as well!

Be afraid. Be very very very veru very very afraid. Afraid you aren't afraid enough? Well, here are some things to help you reach the zenith of whimpering simpering cringing horror that is the hallmark of surviving in this modern world.

Look all around you. Go ahead, set this book down and look around. Think you are safe? Well, think again you Commie! Death lurks around you like an unventilated flatus.

See your television? It could be a bomb.

See your end table? It might be composed completely of compressed anthrax spores cunningly constructed to look like teakwood.

See the so-called "loving family" that shares your domicile? That's right, you un-American fearless liveral swiftboat riding puke, each and every person you know and love is most assuredly a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer. So go ahead, cover your ears and scream all you want, no one will hear you.

Why? Because they are staring at their own end-table and screaming even louder than you!

The entire world hates us, and it is not in any way our fault that they do. So don't ask. Want to know why they hate us? Simple. They hate Freedom. And Freedom is us, capisce? Try to look any deeper than that and you aren't supporting the troops, you traitor.

That's why we need unlimited wiretapping by the FBI, CIA, PTA, and DAR of all American homes. We also need unlimited access to weapons for all our nation's citizens so we can defend ourselved against sudden unprovoked attacks from, well, ourselves. We need to decriminalize torture or we will never be safe from the terror within our own minds. It is as simple as that.

And if you say it isn't, well, then you hate America.

You are either with us, or against us, and since we aren't thinking anything through anymore at all as a nation then you'd better just clam up and get uninformed pronto, pal. And the basis of remaining patriotically dumb and uninformed is what? You guessed it!! Fear!!!

Fear is a good thing, a great thing, everything, the only thing.

And don't forget, dear reader, fear is good for the economy as well. in order for the United States to thrive economically we must be scared shitless 24 hours a day.

Think that makes no sense? Turn on your TV. Seriously, go turn on your TV. I'll wait.

Did it explode? Well, okay then, maybe you dodged that bullet and your set wasn't a bomb planted in your living room by Bin Laden himself. But now that it is on, watch the commercials for a while. Think fear isn't important to the economy? Everything they sell on your television is sold through fear. They even sell you on being afreaid of the opposite of your fears.

Psychiatry itself tells us that only the scared survive. Remember that cigar that Freud said sometimes is "just a cigar?" Well what he didn't tell you was this: whether that cigar is just a cigar, or in fact your penis in metaphorical somnambulant disguise, it is nevertheless most definitely an exploding cigar with a deadly hundred megaton charge. Even in our dreams we must be vigilant against the enemies of Freedom, whoever the fuck they are.

So the reader may ask, "How can I maintain my personal terror level at a constant patriotic rate?" Well, as always, the best answers to any life dilemma lie once again in your television. look at those ads my friend!!! Madison Avenue always knows best, and here is the fear they are waiting up sell you for your own good.

You had better be afraid of:
- Being fat/Being hungry
- Losing your erection/Being small even when you are erect
- Smelling bad/Not smelling at all
- Drinking the wrong beer/Drinking the right beer responsibly
- Getting skin cancer/Being too pale
- Crashing your car/Paying too much for auto insurance.

Most of you should be afraid that you're watching the wrong television!

By the year 2018, 90% of the United States economy will be tied up in the use, production, and distribution of antidepressants and antianxiety medications. Being scared is good for business, and what is good for business is good for America.

So embrace that fear. Courage is for the smart and we here in the USA are clueless and ready to die for cluelessness. Every decent American should have a cable hookup placed in their skull piping Fox News directly into their medulla oblongata. Once you have that simple operation you will be ready for some good old-fashioned American cringing my friend!!!

Go ahead, lock yourself in that broom closet. Surround yourself with pillows, gunpowder and bottled water. Shoot to kill at anything that moves and even some things that don't. Stay awake for the rest of your life so you don't die in your sleep.

Quietly do whatever Rush Limbaugh tells you to do. Turn your neighbor in to homeland Security if he looks too swarthy. Sell your kids to the army where they will be safe.

When you aren't oncontrollably weeping with anxiety be sure you sing the "Star Spangled Banner" until you pass out in flag-waving ecstasy.

These are scary times, and only and educated East Coast left wing fool feels optimistic.

Even God Himself wants you to be scared, otherwise why would he always refer to righteous as "God-fearing"? Case in point: As a Catholic schoolbot I was told that you should never call the holiday "Xmas" because it takes the "Christ" out of "Christmas." Well. It is also important to keep in mind that without your terror, terrorism is only an "ism."

Makes you think, don't it?

"Nothing to fear but fear itself'" my ass.

Remember, these days we have nothing to fear but everything.

Well, that, and a shortage of Xanax.


Joker_SATX said...

Bravo! Bravo! The Joker sits and claps in thunderous applause....

This is why I love coming to its best. Served daily!

Christopher Lucero said...

Isn't Limbaugh that famous Soccer celebrity?