Friday, January 2, 2009

Looking back: A glimpse of what the Year 2000 has been so far...

I've been thinking about how this new millennia has been, and there have been some seriously funny times, some very serious times, and some sad times..

Amazing how much emotion can be caught up in a memory, isn't it?

These last 9 years have seen the birth of my youngest son, my divorce, my grandpa's death, meeting my wife, getting married, losing my dog, and having to put my grandmother in an elderly retirement community..

And the first decade isn't even over with yet...

However, because of my last post, I'm going to make this one a bit more light-hearted.

Over at Father Muskrat's place, I told him about an incident that he said needed to be told here on my blog.

This story involves one of my good friends, I'll call him Thom, and my brother and I.

Thom had just celebrated his 30th birthday back in 2000. Because of this, we got together and celebrated the only way we knew how back then. We partied. HARD.

The day started out around 2pm after we'd all gotten off work. We met at my house, and piled into my car. Then we proceeded to the liquor store, and blew and insane amount of money on alcohol. After this, we went back to Thom's house, where we called around to see who all was going to make it to his party.

Once we knew how many folks were going to be there, we called up the local tavern where we hung out as "regulars" and made sure to let them know we were coming, and to order food for everyone.

Little did we know that my brother's girlfriend's dad was going to bring along the bikers that he hung out with.

In true biker tradition, once there, the entire group demaded to get Thom his "birthday hacks". This involved a 2' long and 3"thick wooden paddle, and Thom's butt.

Unwilling to let this go without being medicated, Thom insisted that he needed three rounds of drinks before getting the hacks. This was agreed to, and three rounds of drinks were ordered.

Feeling pity, I slipped my shots over to Thom, and he drank them with little more than a blink.

Needless to say, once the third round was over, Thom was feeling NO pain.

So, the group lined up, and broke out the paddle. Thom stood at the front of the bar, and bent over. Each person there then got one hack with the paddle.

I'm telling you the truth, Thom didn't flinch once, and even insisted on a couple of folks to "go again" because he didn't feel anything when they went.

Well, the party went on, and on, and on... Eventually, it got to the point where Thom couldn't even ORDER a drink, much less drink one, so we decided to take him home. I got my brother, and he and I took an arm, and dragged Thom out to my car.

Once in the car, Thom was seat belted in, but he insisted on keeping his feet on the dash, because "If we get into a wreck, I'd rather slam my head into my knees than into your dash and ruin it". So, we drove hom with my brother in the back, and Thom in his "crash position".

Once there, we found that the neighbors had taken up all of the parking spaces at Thom's apartment complex. This led to a massive tirade by Thom, with him then insisting that he needed to "poop" on his neighbor's car. He walked over to a Mazda RX-7, and said "This is his car.. It's a shitty car, and to prove it, I'm going to poop on it."

My brother and I rushed over, and grabbed him by the arms, and pulled him away from the car, and tried to get him turned to get up to his apartment.

This proved to be a bit of a chore, as during the 5 seconds of freedom he'd had he was able to somehow unbuckle and unbutton his pants, which were falling down around his knees.

Since my brother and I had his arms, he wasn't able to reach down to get his waistband of his pants, so he was trying to do the "penguin" walk to keep them from falling completely off.

The next big trick was getting him up his stairs to his apartment. You see, the stairs were only wide enough for two people, and there were THREE of us..

So I stood next to Thom, and he did the duck-walk right next to me. My brother, not willing to be too close, followed a safe distance behind...

At the second step, Thom decided that he needed to pull his pants up. After about 5 minutes, I reached down, and handed him his waistband to hold on to. This was a good fix until one of his neighbors walked out of their room for something, and Thom decided that a friendly "Hey!" and full-on two-handed wave was needed.

Yup. Two hands. Pants back down around the ankles. Female neighbor disappeared. Haven't seen her since that night.. Can't say I really blame her.

Anyway, then another minor scuffle happened to get his waistband back into his control. 10 minutes later, with pants in hand, we waddle his drunk butt up to his room.

By this time, Thom is really starting to feel his booze, and he proceeds to lean against the wall next to his door, telling us that he's "Resting here for a while."

We finally convince him to get into his house, and with some reluctance, he agrees to go get changed.

As we're walking by his computer/office room, we hear some music. Thom's roommate had downloaded some songs onto his computer, and Billy Idol's "White Wedding" was drifting down the hall. Thom asked where the music was coming from. I answered "Billy Idol's on the computer, Thom" to which he replied "Billy Idol's on the computer? Isn't he gonna break it?"

We finally got him into the bedroom, and into bed. He told us he needed his glasses, which were still firmly on his face, so we showed them to him, then walked out to let his roommate know we were headed back to the bar to drive other folks home.

While walking down the stairs, we made a "small" discovery.

During his penguin walk, Thom's wallet and keys had fallen out of his pants, and were laying at the foot of the stairs.

These were gathered up, and taken back to his apartment. When the door opened, a completely drunk Thom greeted us, and was so excited that we'd gotten him a wallet and keys that looked exactly like the ones that he'd lost.

We helped the roommate get the drunk birthday boy back into bed, and then started back for the bar.

My brother's cell phone rings.

It's Thom, still looking for his glasses. My bro reminds Thom to feel his face. Glasses are found, disaster averted.

Just before getting into the bar's parking lot, another call.

It's Thom's roommate. Thom is headed down the stairs because there's a car in the parking area that needs pooped on, and Thom isn't listening to anyone.

We turn around, and push some speed limits to try to get the problem stopped before Thom figures out what car to violate.

Pulling into the parking garage, my brother and I see Thom stumbling around the parked cars, looking for the numbered spaces. Luckily, he's got space 115, and Thom had only made it to space 45!

We pull over, and Thom greets us like we've been gone for years instead of minutes.

After catching up, we are able to convince him to head inside.

Big. Mistake.

In order to get Thom to his apartment, we walk past the offending car.

Snarling in righteous fury, Thom declares his need, and drops trou.

Giving up, my brother and I turn our backs, and hear the sounds of defecation as Thom shows his displeasure with neighbors that park in his vehicle spaces.

Beaming with pride, Thom returns, and allows us to take him up to his room.

Because of the actions, my brother and I avoided Thom's place for a couple of weeks.

The next time we visited, Thom had about four new neighbors, as the offending neighbor moved, the flashed girl had moved, and a couple of folks who lived below Thom's apartment had moved as well.

It's nice to know how much of an impact you can make on a small commune just by throwing a kick-ass party!

Happy New Year folks!


Brad said...

Everyone else just stop typing. The best blog post of the year has arrived.

Brad said...

...but I haven't heard from you about how you liked my swapfest gift...

Siren said...

yikes i strated reading that, and i had to pee, by the time i was done i really had to pee. Hope you had happy holidays and 2009 is a great year for you.

Jormengrund said...

Brad - I still haven't gotten it.. Did you forget my address?

Oh, and I REALLY need to send yours off, too.

But since I haven't sent yours, and haven't gotten one from you, can we just pretend, and say "Best Gift Ever!" ??

Siren - Glad it made an impact on you in some way!

Brad said...

Well, I have the right address you sent me. Don't worry about sending me anything. Just expect a heavy box full of vintage Zippo lighters from my collection.

If you don't smoke, there's no better time than the present to start!