You know, there are times when I wonder if I will ever really find success or love.
Depression is an interesting thing. I can know that I'm dealing with it, and know that most of my perceptions are colored because of it. However, it is very difficult, when in a depressed state, to know what is the REAL issue, and what is the depression-given interpretation that I am dealing with.
I know that I'm still fighting depression over my divorce and loss of kids just this past year. I know that I'm also fighting depression because of the lack of work, and the plethora of schoolwork that keeps me from finding a steady full-time job until my degree is complete. I also know that I'm fighting depression about relationships because of the self-doubt of finding someone who is willing to accept me for who I am, and not who they imagine I could be.
Yet in all of this, the underlying theme is quite selfish.. It's ME.
How do I see myself?
Right now, I see myself as someone who still doesn't have a sense of where he's going, what he's doing, and how he's going to put it all together. I don't have a plan, I don't really have a purpose, and I don't have a goal to strive for.
Yet, within this darkness, I have some light that I am working towards.
I have my kids. They love me dearly, and whenever I feel like there's no end to the dark, I can always call one of them, and their voice helps to lift me from the despair that clings to my soul.
I have my dream. School is the first step, and because of this, the dream is still vibrant and alive within me. I can't speak more of my dream, because then it ceases to be a dream, and becomes a goal. I'd rather chase the dream right now, thank you very much!
I have a desire. Or at least a desire to be desired.. At some point, I'm hoping that I'll find love. I'm not overly optimistic here, because I don't know if I am one of those folks who deserves to be loved. I don't know if I can find that one person who I know will love and want me for who I am, and not what I can do for them. I don't know if there is someone out there who will complete the emptiness that is within me. Yet for all of these doubts, I still cling to the hope that somewhere there is someone out there for me.
Thus, right now all I live on outside of my depression is hope. The hope that I will find my way. The hope that everything will work itself for the betterment of myself and my situation. The hope that I will find that someone. The hope that my kids won't have to deal with the trials and tribulations I have been dealing with.
At the end of the day, that is what keeps me going... Hope.