Thoughts and other randomness

You know, there are times when I wonder if I will ever really find success or love.

Depression is an interesting thing. I can know that I'm dealing with it, and know that most of my perceptions are colored because of it. However, it is very difficult, when in a depressed state, to know what is the REAL issue, and what is the depression-given interpretation that I am dealing with.

I know that I'm still fighting depression over my divorce and loss of kids just this past year. I know that I'm also fighting depression because of the lack of work, and the plethora of schoolwork that keeps me from finding a steady full-time job until my degree is complete. I also know that I'm fighting depression about relationships because of the self-doubt of finding someone who is willing to accept me for who I am, and not who they imagine I could be.

Yet in all of this, the underlying theme is quite selfish.. It's ME.

How do I see myself?

Right now, I see myself as someone who still doesn't have a sense of where he's going, what he's doing, and how he's going to put it all together. I don't have a plan, I don't really have a purpose, and I don't have a goal to strive for.

I'm lost.

Yet, within this darkness, I have some light that I am working towards.

I have my kids. They love me dearly, and whenever I feel like there's no end to the dark, I can always call one of them, and their voice helps to lift me from the despair that clings to my soul.

I have my dream. School is the first step, and because of this, the dream is still vibrant and alive within me. I can't speak more of my dream, because then it ceases to be a dream, and becomes a goal. I'd rather chase the dream right now, thank you very much!

I have a desire. Or at least a desire to be desired.. At some point, I'm hoping that I'll find love. I'm not overly optimistic here, because I don't know if I am one of those folks who deserves to be loved. I don't know if I can find that one person who I know will love and want me for who I am, and not what I can do for them. I don't know if there is someone out there who will complete the emptiness that is within me. Yet for all of these doubts, I still cling to the hope that somewhere there is someone out there for me.

Thus, right now all I live on outside of my depression is hope. The hope that I will find my way. The hope that everything will work itself for the betterment of myself and my situation. The hope that I will find that someone. The hope that my kids won't have to deal with the trials and tribulations I have been dealing with.

At the end of the day, that is what keeps me going... Hope.

Trying out "new" things

Well, I am nearing the end of my first year of classes. One step closer to my degree, and still not really sure how I'm going to pull off finding this miracle job that my instructors and department chairs and deans of education keep telling me about.

I mean, it's not like I'm not actively looking for a job, and yet they seem to think that one is just going to drop in my lap because they want it to?

On another note, I am single no longer. I have found a lady friend who is willing to let me take it slow, and develop a relationship at my pace. She doesn't have any real expectations from me, aside from doing what comes naturally from me, so I can be myself, and not worry about reprecussions from my bad behavior! Then again, I try to behave myself, so my hope is that there aren't any trouble spots to iron out anyway!

I might be moving soon. I need to go where there's work, and my little town doesn't offer much in the way of employment. The bigger cities seem to have opportunities around each corner, and I know that I might be smoking a little wacky weed in my perception of employment opportunities, but if the jobs are around the big towns, then I must myself head to the big towns to get said jobs. That, and school is down there too, and the time and gas spent on the trip would more than pay for itself.

There are really only two things holding me back.

Fear and kids.

I fear for my stability. I mean, I'm jobless, and coming into cash to be able to move isn't something that is going to happen all at once. Getting into a place to live costs serious cash, and if I don't have some kind of plan for keeping up on said bills, I'm going to be looking for a new place to live much sooner than I had planned on.

There's my kids too. I mean, I love them, adore spending time with them, and I miss not being able to see them as much as I used to when they lived with me. However, if I can't support myself, how exactly am I going to support them?

I need to get stabilized and self-sufficient before I start worrying about my kids. If dad can't keep his own butt above water, what kind of image is that going to give my kids?

I might not be the best dad, but I'm going to do my best to be the best role model for them that I can.

When I look back at all I've done for my kids, I have to say that I'm not really upset at all about any of it. I just wish I had more time to improve on the positive things I've said and done.

Now, all I need to do is find peace with myself and where I'm at now...

Anyone know a quick fix for this one???

And people are surprised??

Ok, I have to admit that regardless of how long and how hard I try to keep my head buried in the sand, popular culture comes out and bites me in the ass from time to time.

This time, I've got an axe to grind with the self-absorbed Kardashians.

I mean, really??

These trust-fund tramps decide to air their self-indulgent asses all over television, hold outrageous weddings and try to pass it off as "reality" television??

What's REAL about it?

The only real thing I can see about this programming is when I reach for the remote and turn the damn set off.

Now? The biggest thing in "entertainment" is the divorce that Kim Kardashian is going through.

Ah, gee. Let's think about this for a second.

Tell ya what.. Hop into your limo, drive to Vegas, and get a nice 10 minute annullment. That will make up for the two weeks of wedded bliss, right?

Oh, and then don't forget to return all of the gifts and crap that everyone sent you, too!

Next time, try just exchanging dog tags or something easy to take off and toss in the crapper.

I'm done. Can't stand to think about it anymore. She has actually gotten me more worked up than thinking about that hoebag Kate Gosselin right now.. Arrgh!

Gonna go find a toilet and see if I can drown myself for a couple of minutes..

'Tis the season...

I keep getting depressed to see each and every year that Christmas tends to be advertised just a bit earlier..

I mean, before we know it, Back to School shopping will come with a 10% off Christmas apparel coupon or something!

Let's face it, Halloween and Christmas make BIG bucks for retailers. Costumes, decorations, goodies, presents, food.. It's just one big rummage sale once October hits.

Now? I was watching Christmas decorations being put up in one section of a store, and just across the aisle was the stuff for Halloween.. It kind of made me dizzy to see so much crap in so many places all at once.

We tend to totally forget about Thanksgiving, well aside from the unashamed gluttony that we allow ourselves that one Thursday of November, and then laze around and watch parades and football games!

When will we start doing the same kind of push in this country for Independence Day? I mean, if you really want to get down to it, that day commemorates the reason that we can make so much cash for Halloween and Christmas! Make it some kind of patronage day or something if you must, but at least give a tip of the hat or nod of recognition for it, shall we?

How about President's Day? I mean, there have been some serious leaders who have steered this country to greatness, and there have been some morons in office who couldn't have led us out of a Ziploc baggie, much less a bucket! Yet even these folks deserve our respect and admiration for getting where they were and the nod of respect for the office itself.

Memorial day? Anyone know why it's called that? Maybe to remember someone? Maybe? Any takers? Veterans day is a gimme, but at least with that one they didn't make it totally ambiguous so that those stoners can't forget what it is that makes the post office close early that day.

Valentine's day? Just another commercial gimmick for me. I mean, candy, flowers, gifts.. All I see is a bigger debt for me, and some flowers that will die within a week.. Hooray!

Easter? It's only a matter of time before "separation of Church and State" does away with this celebration, so I don't see it lasting much longer..

St. Patrick's day? Now here's a celebration I can get behind! Get drunk, drink some questionable beers, and hope you don't remember what it is you were doing or celebrating for. Amen.

Cinco de Mayo. Yes, we immortalize a celebration for another country here in our own nation just a bit more than our own. Don't ask me why.

New Years. Ah yes, the day when we get with friends and family, eat, watch TV, and make promises to ourselves that we have absolutely NO intention of following through with. Eventually we go to some strange bar, drink toasts with strangers, count down to the new year, kiss some strange people, and wake up the next day with a serious hangover that we are given a day off of work to recover.

Mardi Gras. The day when adolescent men get to see boobs if only they can afford to get a few cheap plastic necklace beads. Ah, what a great holiday!

I don't understand the motivation for most of the celebrations we as a country decide to honor, and I don't know what kind of motivations we have for WANTING to celebrate these days either.

Can someone else explain it to me?