Sadness

Well, I have finally come to the conclusion that even though I can fake my way through just about anything and fool quite a few people, I can't continue to fool and lie to myself.

I'm depressed and hurt.

Why?

Let's look at the reasons:

First off, my mother died back in December, and I still really haven't come to terms with that just yet. On one hand, I know she's better off, and that she didn't suffer. However, this also means that there is a very large chunk of my personal life that has gone unfulfilled and unanswered. I will never again be able to try to reconcile my past and my feelings of hurt and inadequacy in this life with the woman who helped create them. I have work unfinished, and no way to be able to complete it. Frustration!!

I have graduated my college courses, I passed with flying colors, and was at the top of my class. However, I don't really have much aside from some papers to show for it, since I can't seem to get a job in my chosen and preferred field, and have instead opted for a job that pays me to sit behind the wheel of a car, and deliver printed packages to clients in an efficient and timely manner. A trained monkey can do the job I work at now, and to think that I spent $50k on my further education to make a better life for myself. I could honestly squee in delight right now.

I moved back in with my dad after my mom passed. Yeah, not really my first choice, but since I didn't have a job at the time, and was not really motivated to do much of anything, it seemed like the best place to go and get my life back on track. However, then my family showed up, and I was juggled around a while so that family had places to stay. I love being on the bottom of the pecking order when other family members decide to show up unannounced, and lay claim to your bed, bedroom, and home for the duration of their stay. I just makes me all warm and tingly with love and happiness.

Finally, I'm having relationship trouble. I don't feel loved. At all. By anyone. There have been quite a few times where I've been told that, yet right after hearing those words, I've had actions that seem to make a mockery of the words. Things like having me move out, or shovel me off to a friend's house so that family can stay in the room I'm in... It's little things like this that seem to bother me the most, and I'm having some trouble trying to move past it all. I don't know why. Maybe I need to get some Prozac, and just drug myself happy.. Who knows?

My sarcasm hasn't slowed down any. If anything, it's gotten more sharp and biting. This is a problem, since I tend to be sarcastic with everyone, and when you have a keen edge on the responses, it tends to drive folks away without meaning to. Just yesterday I told someone I was nearly overfull with joy so much that I wanted to jump off the nearest bridge. Yeah, I got referred to HR and told that if I needed some personal time off work to go speak with a specialist, they would be willing to help support me in getting the help I needed to keep my mind off of suicide.

So yeah, I'm basically a bubbling fountain of joy that reaches out, grabs you by the throat, and tries choking the life and joy out of any given situation.

There. More biting sarcasm for you before I end this and publish it.

Squee.

Resolutions...

Well, it's the new year, but I am not going to make any kind of resolution. Why? Because even though it's a noble idea, usually it tends to set up someone for failure. I base this on the observation that folks make resolutions to change things that are major issues for them. Once they are unable to follow through with these resolutions, they feel themselves unworthy, and since they can't make those "simple" resolutions, they might as well continue on as they were beforehand..

I choose to work on myself in moderation. I don't expect to make overwhelming changes. I don't expect anything special. I just want to make sure I complete each short-term goal that I set for myself, and be satisfied with it.

I mean, I was able to do this these last two years while in classes. I graduated on the 21st of this year with honors, and voted by the faculty as one of the top 5% of the graduating class. I personally felt that I didn't do as good of a job as I could have done, but apparently what I was able to give was more than the faculty expected, and I was honored for my achievements.

Now, I'm in my Bachelor program and attempting to continue the success I have had these last two years. Juggling classes and work is getting more difficult, but I am sure that I'll be able to figure something out.

Now my main focus is on my family, my dad in particular, then classes, and work. We'll see how well I am able to manage these priorities this year.

Best wishes to you all this year!