Yet Another Day in Paradise...

STRESS!!

2011-12-13T17:47:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I'm a bit frazzled.

I have been in my classes now for a little over a year. I'm still holding strong to a 3.98 GPA (one stinking B+!! GRR!) I am working full-time for my girlfriend who owns her own business installing, developing, designing and creating graphics, AND we're moving this week to a new place....

Yeah, my cup runneth over, and right now I wish it was someone else's cup.

Don't get me wrong. I've been looking forward to all of this. I enjoy the classes. There's plenty of information that I didn't know about my chosen field that is jumping out at me. I love working, because I can't stand to just sit on my ass every day and hope things happen. I love my girlfriend, mainly because she accepts me for who I am, and not what she thinks I should be. And lastly I've been really looking forward to a bigger place because this little apartment would give even the most hearty of constitutions claustrophobia if they had to live here with another person and a fuzzy pet.

However, combining all of these elements into one really blows.

I mean, girlfriend gets stressed, and because of this, packing lags. Due to packing lags, moving gets put behind. Because moving gets pushed back, I do some work, and have to complete the job before continuing moving. However, this also has to take a backseat to classes, which are a priority for me right now. Juggle all of these, and then try to spice it up with the little surprises that make life just so much more interesting, and you've got a formula for the reason some folks grab high-powered rifles and try to kill every living thing in sight...

Not there yet, but there are times...

So, I'm trying to take bite-sized pieces out of the equation. I am trying to set a bunch of small goals to reach instead of large ambiguous ones, and see if it helps any.

Right now? I'd have to say.. "No, not so much, thanks for playing."

But at least I did try to work outside of the box, and try something different, right?

Wish me luck and sanity!

Have a happy holidays, and many enjoyable returns!

Memories

2011-12-09T23:25:00.000-08:00

It is always difficult for me to enjoy the holidays anymore.

I get excited and enjoy the reactions of my kids and the younger ones that I have the joy of being around, but for me, the gloss and luster has dimmed.

I miss my grandparents.. Badly.

My grandpa would light up a room with his size, his laugh, and the love of life that would be a palpable aura around him wherever he went.

My grandma had an infectious laugh, incredible talent for cooking foods, and a way to make you feel loved and cared for just by taking your hand and holding it.

They are both gone now, and the empty hole in my soul still hasn't healed.

I know that eventually it will. However, knowing that father time has his own schedule, I also know that at some point someone else close to me will be gone as well.

Mortality sucks, you know?

Yet through it all, I've learned to enjoy the small things. Live life to the fullest, and to suck the marrow out of each day until I'm sure that there's nothing more I can eke out of this existance.

I will live, I will love, I will laugh..

I will be... Me.

Thoughts and other randomness

2011-11-27T23:48:00.000-08:00

You know, there are times when I wonder if I will ever really find success or love.

Depression is an interesting thing. I can know that I'm dealing with it, and know that most of my perceptions are colored because of it. However, it is very difficult, when in a depressed state, to know what is the REAL issue, and what is the depression-given interpretation that I am dealing with.

I know that I'm still fighting depression over my divorce and loss of kids just this past year. I know that I'm also fighting depression because of the lack of work, and the plethora of schoolwork that keeps me from finding a steady full-time job until my degree is complete. I also know that I'm fighting depression about relationships because of the self-doubt of finding someone who is willing to accept me for who I am, and not who they imagine I could be.

Yet in all of this, the underlying theme is quite selfish.. It's ME.

How do I see myself?

Right now, I see myself as someone who still doesn't have a sense of where he's going, what he's doing, and how he's going to put it all together. I don't have a plan, I don't really have a purpose, and I don't have a goal to strive for.

I'm lost.

Yet, within this darkness, I have some light that I am working towards.

I have my kids. They love me dearly, and whenever I feel like there's no end to the dark, I can always call one of them, and their voice helps to lift me from the despair that clings to my soul.

I have my dream. School is the first step, and because of this, the dream is still vibrant and alive within me. I can't speak more of my dream, because then it ceases to be a dream, and becomes a goal. I'd rather chase the dream right now, thank you very much!

I have a desire. Or at least a desire to be desired.. At some point, I'm hoping that I'll find love. I'm not overly optimistic here, because I don't know if I am one of those folks who deserves to be loved. I don't know if I can find that one person who I know will love and want me for who I am, and not what I can do for them. I don't know if there is someone out there who will complete the emptiness that is within me. Yet for all of these doubts, I still cling to the hope that somewhere there is someone out there for me.

Thus, right now all I live on outside of my depression is hope. The hope that I will find my way. The hope that everything will work itself for the betterment of myself and my situation. The hope that I will find that someone. The hope that my kids won't have to deal with the trials and tribulations I have been dealing with.

At the end of the day, that is what keeps me going... Hope.

Trying out "new" things

2011-11-08T22:37:00.001-08:00

Well, I am nearing the end of my first year of classes. One step closer to my degree, and still not really sure how I'm going to pull off finding this miracle job that my instructors and department chairs and deans of education keep telling me about.

I mean, it's not like I'm not actively looking for a job, and yet they seem to think that one is just going to drop in my lap because they want it to?

On another note, I am single no longer. I have found a lady friend who is willing to let me take it slow, and develop a relationship at my pace. She doesn't have any real expectations from me, aside from doing what comes naturally from me, so I can be myself, and not worry about reprecussions from my bad behavior! Then again, I try to behave myself, so my hope is that there aren't any trouble spots to iron out anyway!

I might be moving soon. I need to go where there's work, and my little town doesn't offer much in the way of employment. The bigger cities seem to have opportunities around each corner, and I know that I might be smoking a little wacky weed in my perception of employment opportunities, but if the jobs are around the big towns, then I must myself head to the big towns to get said jobs. That, and school is down there too, and the time and gas spent on the trip would more than pay for itself.

There are really only two things holding me back.

Fear and kids.

I fear for my stability. I mean, I'm jobless, and coming into cash to be able to move isn't something that is going to happen all at once. Getting into a place to live costs serious cash, and if I don't have some kind of plan for keeping up on said bills, I'm going to be looking for a new place to live much sooner than I had planned on.

There's my kids too. I mean, I love them, adore spending time with them, and I miss not being able to see them as much as I used to when they lived with me. However, if I can't support myself, how exactly am I going to support them?

I need to get stabilized and self-sufficient before I start worrying about my kids. If dad can't keep his own butt above water, what kind of image is that going to give my kids?

I might not be the best dad, but I'm going to do my best to be the best role model for them that I can.

When I look back at all I've done for my kids, I have to say that I'm not really upset at all about any of it. I just wish I had more time to improve on the positive things I've said and done.

Now, all I need to do is find peace with myself and where I'm at now...

Anyone know a quick fix for this one???

And people are surprised??

2011-11-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have to admit that regardless of how long and how hard I try to keep my head buried in the sand, popular culture comes out and bites me in the ass from time to time.

This time, I've got an axe to grind with the self-absorbed Kardashians.

I mean, really??

These trust-fund tramps decide to air their self-indulgent asses all over television, hold outrageous weddings and try to pass it off as "reality" television??

What's REAL about it?

The only real thing I can see about this programming is when I reach for the remote and turn the damn set off.

Now? The biggest thing in "entertainment" is the divorce that Kim Kardashian is going through.

Ah, gee. Let's think about this for a second.

Tell ya what.. Hop into your limo, drive to Vegas, and get a nice 10 minute annullment. That will make up for the two weeks of wedded bliss, right?

Oh, and then don't forget to return all of the gifts and crap that everyone sent you, too!

Next time, try just exchanging dog tags or something easy to take off and toss in the crapper.

I'm done. Can't stand to think about it anymore. She has actually gotten me more worked up than thinking about that hoebag Kate Gosselin right now.. Arrgh!

Gonna go find a toilet and see if I can drown myself for a couple of minutes..

'Tis the season...

2011-11-01T13:19:00.001-07:00

I keep getting depressed to see each and every year that Christmas tends to be advertised just a bit earlier..

I mean, before we know it, Back to School shopping will come with a 10% off Christmas apparel coupon or something!

Let's face it, Halloween and Christmas make BIG bucks for retailers. Costumes, decorations, goodies, presents, food.. It's just one big rummage sale once October hits.

Now? I was watching Christmas decorations being put up in one section of a store, and just across the aisle was the stuff for Halloween.. It kind of made me dizzy to see so much crap in so many places all at once.

We tend to totally forget about Thanksgiving, well aside from the unashamed gluttony that we allow ourselves that one Thursday of November, and then laze around and watch parades and football games!

When will we start doing the same kind of push in this country for Independence Day? I mean, if you really want to get down to it, that day commemorates the reason that we can make so much cash for Halloween and Christmas! Make it some kind of patronage day or something if you must, but at least give a tip of the hat or nod of recognition for it, shall we?

How about President's Day? I mean, there have been some serious leaders who have steered this country to greatness, and there have been some morons in office who couldn't have led us out of a Ziploc baggie, much less a bucket! Yet even these folks deserve our respect and admiration for getting where they were and the nod of respect for the office itself.

Memorial day? Anyone know why it's called that? Maybe to remember someone? Maybe? Any takers? Veterans day is a gimme, but at least with that one they didn't make it totally ambiguous so that those stoners can't forget what it is that makes the post office close early that day.

Valentine's day? Just another commercial gimmick for me. I mean, candy, flowers, gifts.. All I see is a bigger debt for me, and some flowers that will die within a week.. Hooray!

Easter? It's only a matter of time before "separation of Church and State" does away with this celebration, so I don't see it lasting much longer..

St. Patrick's day? Now here's a celebration I can get behind! Get drunk, drink some questionable beers, and hope you don't remember what it is you were doing or celebrating for. Amen.

Cinco de Mayo. Yes, we immortalize a celebration for another country here in our own nation just a bit more than our own. Don't ask me why.

New Years. Ah yes, the day when we get with friends and family, eat, watch TV, and make promises to ourselves that we have absolutely NO intention of following through with. Eventually we go to some strange bar, drink toasts with strangers, count down to the new year, kiss some strange people, and wake up the next day with a serious hangover that we are given a day off of work to recover.

Mardi Gras. The day when adolescent men get to see boobs if only they can afford to get a few cheap plastic necklace beads. Ah, what a great holiday!

I don't understand the motivation for most of the celebrations we as a country decide to honor, and I don't know what kind of motivations we have for WANTING to celebrate these days either.

Can someone else explain it to me?

Geeking out!!

2011-10-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been waxing nostalgic for the last week.

First off, I finally broke down and watched the movie "The Social Network" about Facebook.

Honestly, I can't believe that they made a movie about this, and haven't done any about Napster, or E-Trade, or Ebay, or Amazon, or any of the other major corporations that are out there. I mean, yes, it's a social media that has taken the country by storm, but so are all of these others that I just mentioned PLUS many, MANY more.

Then, to top it all off, we lost a serious pioneer of the industry with the passing of Steve Jobs.

This man was a serious inspiration to me and my career choice. I mean, an orphan who joined a small computer club, met a man who would meet up and build computers in their garage? That small endeavor turned into a small business that grew into Apple. Then, when all of the hype died down, Jobs was FIRED from that position, and left to create two more companies! One didn't do so well, but I'm sure you've heard of the other.. Pixar. You know that one, right? The computer animation company that did Toy Story? Yeah, Disney bought that one from Jobs for a tidy sum.

Then you come back to Apple, and they aren't doing so well. Everything is kind of stagnant and sales are dropping. They beg Jobs to come back, and within a year he's cleaned house, and the MacBook is jumping off the shelves. In one more year, the IPod is released, and history is made. The you add the IPhone and IPad, and there's enough said.

The man was a genuis the likes of which will not be seen again in my lifetime I'm sure. He was one of three men who defined my generation, and will be seriously missed.

Who are the other two? I might talk about them in a later post.

Back to Mark Zuckerberg.. Yes, his idea was brilliant. He's successful. However, I question his moral and legal ethics. I mean, in all fairness he stole an idea, and made it his own. For that, there should be a movie immortalizing what he did? I disagree. I don't like the fact that he's still making money on his endeavor and that those who DID brainstorm up the idea are left with nothing but a petty settlement for their concepts. Maybe it's because in my field of work coming up with fresh and innovative ideas is getting more difficult because of the flood of "techies" who have their homegrown ideas.. I don't know. It just tends to rub me the wrong way.

I am headed to New Mexico for a few days. Got some work to do, and am hoping to have a day or two for some sightseeing. Wish me luck!

See y'all on the flip side!

Opinions and Politics

2011-10-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

Basically, everyone has one, and the STINK.

Right now, I'm listening to folks bash this guy or that guy, who needs to take responsibility, and who is at fault for what.

I'm seriously considering making a new party.. The Common Sense party.

We won't be GOP, we won't be Democrat, not Green, not Tea, we'll stand for something more.

Common Sense.

I mean, COME ON PEOPLE!

How difficult is it to meet the needs of the masses, and do what is right for the country?

Granted, the Rich are always going to look for ways to get richer, and the poor are usually trying to find ways to have people help them out. That's a given.

However, how difficult is it to try to get some kind of incentive going to CREATE JOBS in this nation? Unemployment rate keeps growing because we don't have incentives to get lazy-assed people off welfare and back into the workforce. I mean, why work when you can get paid for doing nothing??

Common sense says to keep track of the spending, keep accountable for each dime you spend, and if things don't seem to match up right, then you cut off assitance until they can prove that they are really doing what they should be doing.

Common sense says that if someone is actually trying to work and make things work, then they should be given as much assistance as needed to make ends meet.

Common sense says that if you have more cash than 60% of the US population then you should be expected to pay more and be burdened with more costs in taxes.

Common sense doesn't seem to be common anymore.

Maybe common sense says that folks just don't want to face the truth and facts?

Thoughts

2011-09-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know about where you live, but there is some serious stuff going down in my old hometown.

I grew up in a small community in southwest Washington state. That little sleepy community is now a hotbed of tension and turmoil regarding some labor disputes.

EGT, a Canada-based company built some grain terminals at the docks where I grew up, and has now staffed them with employees from a Tacoma-based union. The local union here ILWU, is protesting this by blocking trains, barricading and blocking access to the site, and basically throwing a world-class tempertantrum.

This last Monday, the president of the San Franciso-based union turned himself in, but only after trying to get the local police chief and county sherrif removed from office. His reasoning? That these men were applying "undue" force in trying to dissolve this strike. They were arresting men at their homes, and "harrassing" others under suspicion of causing mischief.

I don't know about you, but from what I know of police work, they tend not to arrest folks until they have the evidence they need to bring you in. Thus, they would arrest people once they had probable cause to get them. Sorry if that inconveniences you, but if you do the crime, don't expect some kind of medspa treatment. If you are planning on doing something stupid, don't you think the folks who are tasked with keeping the peace would be watching to make sure you don't cross a line, or maybe do something that could make things worse?

By this rationale, I could go rob a bank, and then when they close in on me I could turn myself in if only the people who are trying to arrest me are fired. Why? Because they caused me undue stress for breaking the law, and should be punished for it.

What kind of crap is this?

In my outspoken opinion, these labor guys need to grow up. They need to figure out that when you break laws, you pay for it. When you decide to buck the system, things tend to break loose, and folks pay a price.

Grow up, grow a pair, and move on.

Thank you!

More thoughts...

2011-09-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have decided to become a more active parent.

Since my divorce, the kids have been living with their mom. I have been quite busy with my classes and work, and somewhat neglecting my time to spend with my children.

As of now, I resolve to change that.

To be an effective parent, you need to spend face-time with your kids, and show them that you not only provide for them, but that you want to take an active and vital role with them as well.

I am going to be there for my kids. I am going to provide for my kids. I am going to show to them that regardless of my situation or problems, they are going to take precedence in my life, and that because of them they are helping me to change my life.

My kids are my life. They are my muse. They are my reason.

How about yours?

Trying this writing thing again..

2011-09-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I've decided that I need to practice my writing more.

Don't ask. I'm just ready to write.

I have so many things that I want to rant and rave about, I don't know where to start...

First off, I have problems with my lack of motivation to find yet another job.

Second, I have issues with my seeming lack of motivation to keep working hard at my classes for schooling.

Then there's the issue I have with myself and how I seem to be short-changing my kids.

I have a problem with the lack of follow-through in paying back my parents and best friend roommate.

I've got problems in learning to open up and trust others again.

I just don't know where to start..

I guess the place to start is with me.

Wouldn't you agree?

Rememberance

2011-09-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

I recall that I got up late that morning.

I recall that my kids weren't wanting to get dressed, and that my wife wasn't wanting to travel.

I remember listening to the radio on the way to my parent's house, and hearing how something had happened in New York, that details were sketchy, but everything seemed to be under control.

I recall getting there to see my mom and dad glued to the television watching as the first tower burned, and watched firemen running into the building to try to get folks out.

I recall watching in disbelief as the second plane plunged into the second tower, and the feelings of shock and horror that someone could do this to innocent men, women and children.

I recall watching folks jump to their deaths from the buildings instead of stay inside those buildings to burn to death or be crushed under the tons of rubble.

I remember how angry I was upon learning who had claimed responsibility for the attacks, and the immensity of the operation.

I recall wondering just how many more attacks were going to happen, and how long it would take to get all the potential security leaks out of the airlines.

I recall the mass terror that gripped this nation and the racial angst that got even worse once these attacks happened.

Now? I see a nation that was seriously divided that has come together more, and has been more focused than it had ever been before.

I see a nation who refused to lay down and give up.

I see.... HOPE.

What do you remember about that day?

Revelations

2011-08-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

I almost met God today.

I'm not joking.

I have been taking classes since December of last year to flush out my degree in computer science. This week is finals week for the quarter, and I was in my car heading to class to take a final on some classes I'd taken for Windows Server 2008.

While driving, I was quizzing myself over things I'd read, and was keeping an eye out for traffic since Friday traffic is usually ugly and tough to deal with.

While stopped at a stoplight, I changed the radio station, checked my mirrors, and then waited.

The light turned green, I waited for some cross-traffic to clear, and headed into the intersection to get past them and merge onto the freeway for some fun stop-and-go bumper-to-bumper traffice all the way to the school.

As I got into the intersection, I noted a flash of blue out of the corner of my left eye. That was all the warning I got.

Screaming tires, honking horns, and severely cramped muscles are all that I remember afterwards.

I didn't get hit. The fellow in the lane to the left of me got that pleasure. However, I did end up being able to see all of the detail in up-close Hi-Def color and action right outside my open driver side window.

That close call made me forget about my petty worries and doubts. It put anything out of my mind except to note that I have been taking many things for granted.

As of now, I stop worrying about the things that aren't in my control. I deal with what I can, and make due with those things that I can't influence.

I resolve to enjoy the little things, cherish the great milestones, and make the most out of what I've been given.

To do any less is criminal, to my way of thinking.

Hope you think about this as well!

Ciao!

State of the Union Address:

2011-07-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

My fellow bloggers, there stands a serious injustice on the face of the planet.

Casey Anthony has been found innocent of the death of her child.

Wait, wait.. Not death. Murder. She isn't guilty of murdering her child.

Now, in my opinion as a parent, she's as good as a murderer, since she knew something was wrong, and yet did NOTHING to prevent it.

So now? We have a self-absorbed person free to go about her business (once her prison sentance for her "petty" crimes are done) and do the same thing again..

Where exactly is the justice?

Granted, the jury might not have some of the information we were spoon-fed by the media. We might have been told quite a few extra stories by the reporters just to make a great story and gain more media coverage. I don't know. What I do know is this...

Karma is a bitch, and Casey Anthony will find that out sooner or later....

Thoughts on Easter

2011-04-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

I was raised in a Southern Baptist household. I have studied many forms of Christianity, plus various other religions. I consider myself fairly well schooled when it comes to the many different forms of religion, and their beliefs and teachings.

However, I tend to forget something that to this day nearly brings me to my knees in awe and wonder.

This evening, as I was finishing my homework for classes, I had been browsing the TV, and had it set on a channel that I usually enjoy watching for th different movies it shows. I paid little real attention to the movies, as I was completely focused on my work. However, something in the tone of the movie playing made me turn my head.

The Passion of the Christ was showing, and they had gotten to the point where Jesus was being flogged for the satisfaction of the Hebrew High priests.

The total and complete savagery and brutality of his flogging is something I don't think I'll ever be able to get out of my mind. From the first time I saw this movie, I still tend to downplay just how much of a beating this man took. He was beaten within an inch of his life, but spared only to hang in the worst possible way that someone could be executed in those days.

It is times like these when I am glad for my faith, and for the love I have for my creator. If not for his sacrifice and blood and love, I would be nothing but a lump of human clay destined for death.

As it is, I am an angelic being destined for life everlasting once this mortal husk is gone.

Have a great Easter, and God Bless!

Random thoughts for the newest post

2011-04-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

I figured that since I don't post much anymore, I'd just say what is on my mind in the title, and if it piques your interest, then you'll read, or you'll ignore it.

Either way, it doesn't really matter to me, since it's my blog, and I can make the rules as I see fit!

Something really bothered me this week as I was driving to a work location.

See, I am going to classes three days a week, and the other "free" days I spend doing odd jobs for the income to keep myself afloat. Recently, that job has been as an installer and cleaner for a graphics company. I've been doing audits of banners, signs, window vinyl and various other graphic forms. It's interesting work, and the pay pretty much keeps me where I need to be as a full-time student needing to support himself.

Anyway, I was on my way to a jobsite when I read a billboard and the accusatory statement that was on it. The general gist of the saying was "Iraq, Pakistan and Libya.. What will Obama's next tour of duty look like?"

Honestly, that really rubbed me the wrong way. You see, in my viewpoint there isn't much that the US as a whole gets into that hasn't been festering for quite a while on a global level. You can't lay the entire blame of Iraq on Obama, since George Jr and Sr both had a hand in that conflict, along with Clinton. You can't blame Pakistan on him as well, since there's been unrest in that country since well before Jimmy Carter's time. And Libya? PLEASE. That's like blaming Obama for Vietnam, even though we all know that Kennedy, Johnston and Nixon were the ones manning the helm during that one. However the buildup of that one dates back to Eisenhower, if you get technical with it.

So my point here is that just because the conflict became something that couldn't be ignored does not mean that the person in office at the time is the one fully responsible for the resulting actions. That would mean that whomever is the head of Fannie Mae, or any other institute would be to blame for the failures of their predecessors. It's unreasonable and quite childish.

In my opinion, Obama isn't that bad of a president. True, there are things he's tried to do that I don't agree with, but his intentions seem to be in the right place. However, the worst thing to do is blame him for everything that is wrong, or worse, give him credit for everything that's going right, and then objectify him as either a prodigy or a devil.

I mean, when Obama was up for election, EVERY media outlet was treating him like some kind of national religion.. "You can say something bad about Obama, but then say 50 'Hail Obamas' and do three touchy-feely pieces later". He was hailed as the next Lincoln, Roosevelt and Washington before he ever stepped foot in office, let alone elected!

This is what I have a problem with in the media anymore. I mean, they want a good story, and aren't afraid to totally villify someone if the sales are good enough. They'll print a retraction or apology later (on page 12 as a blurb) and keep sensationalizing stories that really don't need embellishment or anything elaborate.

When did we stop reporting the truth, and start becoming a nation of storytellers?

Classes Redux

2011-03-31T15:37:00.001-07:00

Well, I aced my first quarter. All A's, and perfect attendance! I'm quite proud of that, really. Now I've got some more interesting classes, and I'm sure as the course goes onward that they'll get more diffficult. However, there's still review stuff and I'm hoping that I'll be able to remember enough of what I learned that I can still pull off the good grades.. But for now, my biggest hurdle isn't classes. It isn't the instructors, and it isn't the homework. No, my biggest trial right now is getting work. I need a steady job that is able to work around my school scedule, and yet also give me the income I need to keep going. Pray for me. Pray that I have the patience. Pray that I keep an open mind. Pray that I don't go postal on these younger kids who act like I should find a corner to go off and die in. Most of all, pray that I'll be able to see this thing through to the finish. Because right now? I'm not sure if I can yet.

The end of the beginning..

2011-03-05T14:50:00.000-08:00

Well, my first quarter as a returning student is over, and I'm glad I've got a chance to take a breath.

After this week, I have a new appreciation for those who are able to dedicate all of their time to schooling, and don't have to divide their attention between a career and their studies.

However, that being said, those who are able to juggle both work and school and still excel in both completely ASTOUND me. I mean, I've been working on and off during my classes, and I can't honestly understand how some folks can work full-time, go to full-time classes, and still do excellent in school plus do an outstanding job at work. For those, I honestly bow in awe and admiration.

I finished this quarter with perfect attendance, and a 4.0, so I'm happy with the results. However, this is just the head of the beast, and I know that the classes are going to become more troublesome and difficult as the weeks progress. I'm just looking forward to the opportunity to learn what I need, and gain the holy relic that employers are looking for now instead of experience: a school degree.

I recall when I first entered my job market, there wasn't any kind of specialized degree for my field of work. As long as you knew what a computer was, and could operate it, you were hired. Now? If you don't have a specialized degree in a specific field or area of expertise in that specialized field with the corresponding degree, you aren't even considered for the position, much less hired for it!

Whatever happened to that adage that experience provides the best teacher? Some of the class sessions I sat in strongly disagreed with me. Why? Because school tries to teach each student absolutes. However, in the workplace you don't get that luxury. What might be black and white in a classroom is quite often clouded with many shades of gray in the real world. Thus, there were quite a few times where my angest and "bitter" real world experience kept me from sitting still and listening, and giving an opinion that quite often ended in a nice long debate session. However, in most cases what I disagreed with was also seen as true by my instructors, and I wasn't belittled or degraded for offering my experiences. In this, I'm really looking forward to further classes. However, I'm also wondering at which instructors are going to be more close-minded than the ones I previously had. Each teacher has their own teaching style, and I'm sure not all are going to be as easy-going as my first instructors.

We'll see.

I'll keep you posted, and can't wait for my two week vacation, but much more for my second set of classes!

Cheers!

Random Ramblings..

2011-02-02T08:39:00.001-08:00

Pet Peeves..

Yup, we've all got them. From the way someone talks, to the way a sandwich is made to how someone dresses/smells/behaves. It's all there, and most times it's not pretty when something sets us off, and the angst and peevishness comes out.

Today, I'm going to vent about one of my pet peeves.

Being a commuter, there is one thing that REALLY sets me off.

Arrogant drivers.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not the world's best driver myself. I'm sure that if everyone drove like I do, the entire world will crash and burn in a fiery ball and horrific crash.

What I tend to do is know where I'm going, and how much time it's going to take me to get there. Then I plan accordingly, and try to get there with the least amount of stress and bother. Granted, there are times when I oversleep, or forget about the time, and then try to race to make up for my lapse in attention. But for the most part, I do try to keep myself under control when behind the wheel of my car. I pay attention to the other drivers, and try to keep out of the way of everyone else.

What really bothers me is when you have that person that A) Really doesn't care, and drives their own way, and slows everyone down; or B) just can't figure out how a car works, and drives like the car is driveing itself, and not the driver of the car.

These two types of drivers annoy me in more ways than I can possibly explain, but I'll make the attempt.

We've all been caught behind that driver who insists on driving 10 or more miles UNDER the speed limit, and refuses to allow folks to get past in order to get to their destination. Now imagine this type of person doing this same exact thing to THREE LANES of traffic on a freeway! Yes, I've had to deal with this, and I still don't understand what their motivation for this was. As long as they stay out of my way, I'm good, but unfortunately this driver decided that they needed to show everyone that they aren't only slow, but that they also didn't care for any other drivers on the road, and were more important than anyone else.

Secondly, I can't stand those folks who are arrogant enough to try to bully other drivers. Everyone's made mistakes. With a little luck, you don't pay for a driving mistake, and can feel bad about it, but no harm, no foul.

Now take that minor mistake, add road rage, and you get my second pet peeve. Say you accidentally cut off a driver who's speeding, and trying to cut around some traffic. You don't get into any kind of wreck, but you feel bad for cutting off the driver, and the driver now has to slow down for a short period of time before getting to his destination. Now, this driver finds a way to get around you, then proceeds to do to you what you accidentally did to him. He then cuts you off, and slams on his brakes to jockey you around. I hate, and I _do_ mean HATE those type of drivers. Yes, we make mistakes, we don't need you to then add to it by being an asshole and making a potential show out of it, thanks.

Anyway, that's my rant for today. Hope y'all have a great week, and I'll wander back in later and talk about something else that bothers me.

Peace.

Mid-Term!

2011-01-20T21:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm halfway through my first quarter of classes. Personally, I'm doing well, mainly because for me most of the classes right now are review, and I'm really learning how to get back into the "school" swing of things. However, I'm sure as the year goes on I'll be trying to catch my ass as the classwork and teachings become more in-depth and detailed about my chosen field of study.

As of yesterday, I became single yet once again. So, for the second time I'm now alone, aside from my kids, who are again living with their mom. I try to get to see them as much as I'm able, but with school and the frantic searching for work I really don't get much time to see them as I'd like to.

Speaking of work, I really.. REALLY need to find a job. For those of you who are inclined, I wouldn't frown if some prayers were sent up in my stead for me to find some kind of employment. I'm searching daily, plus using temporary hiring agencies, and the employment services of the school, but so far there's been no joy in Mudville for this blogger.

I hope to start writing a bit more frequently as I get a handle on my schedule and whatnot, but as of now all I can promise is the occasional post while I struggle with the juggling I have to do to get money in my pocket and scribbleing of answers on my homework papers.

Best wishes to all of you, and thanks for the read!

Dedication..

2010-12-25T01:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm writing again, just to say that I'm here, still kicking, and trying to get things done.

I'm doing well in school. I never really thought I'd enjoy it, but being one of the oldest guys in the classroom does tend to bring out the competative side in me. I refuse to let these young bucks think that they can have their cake and eat it too!

This Christmas was a bit disappointing for me, but at least I am able to move into the New Year with my head high, and full of hope.

I was able to get a couple of things for each of my kids, and I was able to meet expectations for bills. I'm still unemployed, so there's no income to help, but I have been able to find work from day to day and help defray the worries of making ends meet. I only hope some kind of employment rears it's ugly head at some point so that I can stop chasing my tail very shortly.

For quite a few years, I was always told that I wouldn't make it in school. That I needed to get a job that would teach me a trade, and then get on with my life. I was told that even though I'm an intelligent person, I just am not cut out for classrooms, and needed to put actions in place of lessons.

Now, I find that all to be a bit insulting.

I can do whatever I put my mind to. If I want to study, I study. If I want to work, I work. If I want to sleep, I sleep. If I want to stay up to ungodly hours typing on my computer for a blog, then so be it!

I dictate my actions, my actions do NOT dictate me. Other people do not tell me how to live my life. There are only three people who can influence my actions, and they honestly don't know about it.

Because of this, I am working hard at making a better life not only for myself, but for them as well. I only hope that at some point the work won't seem like work, but more like something I can easily do, and choose to do because it's right, and not a chore.

Here's to hope..

Hoping that you and yours have a very Merry Christmas, and best wishes in the New Year!

Changes!

2010-11-30T22:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it's final. I filed papers, and in January, I become single yet again!

However, I'm not one to just sit around and mope. No, I decide to do things when I'm frustrated and irritated.

What did I do this time you might ask?

Only got myself into debt about $50k.

That's right. This old man is going back to school.

I can't believe it, and to be honest it scares me a bit. I mean, I like school, but I was never really good at paying attention and following rules ordered to me by someone who never really stepped outside of a classroom to actually put what they preach into action.

The "do as I say, not as I do" approach doesn't work with parenting, so why should some professor expect it to work in life??

Anyway, that's my goal, and I'm hoping for a fresh start, and new opportunities to make something more of myself not only for me, but for my kids as well.

Only time will tell, and I'm of the mindset that nothing can stop me now but myself.

Here's to hoping that I don't stop!

Back, but for how long?

2010-09-30T01:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. I'm going back to being single yet again.

However, after seeing another side, I can't say that I'm disappointed.

To be honest, I'm sure that there were flaws and character traits in my wife that I was willing to overlook because of the feelings and love that I had for her. However, with the recent developments and comments and conversations, I've found that I still care for her, but the love has gone.

For the best? I don't know, I really couldn't say.

But for me, it's going to have to be fine, since I've still got things to do, and goals to accomplish.

I'm not dead, I'm not giving up. I'm pressing on, and I'm going to make the best of it.

Just wait.. I'm sure that at some point I'll have enough anger built up to write a few scathing posts and get someone's tail twisted.. Just give me time.

Exhastion

2010-08-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

I'm tired.

Beat.

I can hardly keep my eyes open to type this, and my arms feel like lead.

I'm grabbing up as much overtime as my job allows, and it's really starting to take it's toll on me. The commute isn't bad, but when you've got an hour to drive to work, plus an hour back, and you add in the 16-ish hours of work... It really adds up, and leaves little time for sleep or eating.

I'm trying to keep myself busy. I'm trying not to think. I'm trying to fill my time up so much that I won't get started on what's happening, and eventually it'll just happen, I'll keep working, and it'll be over. 'Nuff said, right?

Wrong.

I'm trying to kid myself, but even with all of this work, I still can't get over the pain, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the anger, and depression.

I just don't know if I'll ever get over this. I don't know if I really want to, either.

But the fact is that if I don't start getting some better sleep and taking better care of myself, they'll be scraping up what's left of me out of some wreck on the interstate. I can't afford to do that to my kids.

So, less overtime, less of a paycheck, and more time to think about my screwed up life in general.

You win some, you lose some....

Resignation and Frustration

2010-08-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

You know what really sucks?

When you're faced with an inevitable challenge, and you know that you're not going to measure up to be able to meet the goal, regardless of your mindset, or any factors that are in your control.

This is one such time.

I love a person who obviously doesn't love me back.

How do I know this?

Because if they did love me as much as I loved them, then the requests for not talking to them, and the need to run away and hide wouldn't bother me half as much as they do.

However, they are made with regard to their own self-interest, and not with my heart and feelings taken into consideration at any point.

Case in point: Her asking me not to write her emails that talk about things I've found out about myself because they make her feel guilty.

Nothing in that statement has any regard for the insight that I've had, or the pain and self-flagellation I've done to come to these cold hard truths that I've found out about my flawed self.

No, it's because it bothers her that she should feel guilty when she's perfectly happy without me, and is more concerned with burying the past, and heading into whatever future she can forge for herself.

She tells me that she doesn't want to put me through any more pain. However, it's there, and it's not going to go away.

How do I know this?

Becuase there's NO WAY that I'm going to be getting back even a THIRD of what I've lost. I've lost my wife. I highly doubt that she's coming back, especially after she leaves for parts unknown. I honestly think that she'll come to be at some point before then with papers to sign. (In person of course, because she's not going to surprise me with some anonymous letters via officer to sign.)

Then there's the case of my kids. They no longer live with me. I had them, I enjoyed living with them, seeing their faces, hugging them, playing with them, wrestling with them, and just basking in the family glow. I get that now, but only in bits and pieces. If my wife and I were to somehow miraculously patch things together, my kids still wouldn't be there. Even if she and I were to have kids of our own, my three would still be MIA, and there'd be a hole where they once filled.

I know that I should be a pessimist, and figure that everything's going to eventually unravel fairly quickly, and then I'll be "cut loose" from the pain... Yet all that does is enrich the pain I'm feeling.

She tells me that this isn't easy for her. To be honest, I believe her. Yet it's not because it causes her pain to make the decisions. It's not because her love is taking cuts. It's because she doesn't like seeing people in pain.

Read that.. I said PEOPLE. Like I'm just any other passerby on the street. Not someone she shared a life with, or built a home with for an extended period of time.

Now? I'm just some schmuck who can't get it through his head that she's better off without me, and that no matter what I do, or what I accomplish, it's over and done.

The most amazing part is that it was a lose-lose from the beginning. Try to hold on, and she pushed away. Give her the space she asked for, she took more and ran with it. There's no looking back for her. No regrets, no real goodbye, just a "later" kind of wave, and a slammed door in my face. (provebially, of course.. not literally)

There's a part of me that hopes she takes this "newfound" freedom and chokes on it. The anger is really close to the surface most days now, and I find it kind of hard not to lash out at folks for things that really aren't their fault.

There's that part of me that gets a bit psycho. Stalker-like. See what she's up to, drive past her work or house, that kind of thing. I don't do it, but the thoughts and feelings are there regardless.

There's the part of me that doesn't care anymore. The part that wants to curl up in a ball on the bed, and just wait for things to all go away.

There's a part of me that wants to drink and get that numb feeling to make everything managable.

However, I don't give into any of this.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because underneath it all, I'm stubborn enough to just keep on, and let things go. Yeah, it hurts, and the pain is sometimes stronger than I can handle alone. Yet I've got some good friends who are willing to help me get a handle on what bothers me, and not ask questions. They let me handle things my own way, and then make sure that my decisions don't make me regret anything the next day. That, more than anything else, is my saving grace right now.

I know that she's going to read this, and I'm sure that she'll have to explain or defend her choices. However, this IS my perception of what I'm seeing and feeling, nothing more, nothing less.

So, explain all you like.. I'll still probably see some kind of "and this is why I'm never going to come back to you" in the words you write to me here.

There's guilt, and then there's GUILT.

2010-07-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling like crap now.

The wife and I had a "talk" this evening, and I'd really rather have gone somewhere and driven rusty nails into my hands and eyes.

The gist of the talk is that she's moving. Away. Without me. WAY out of town.

Technically, we're still married, but I can feel the divorce papers coming my way at any given time. She's happier.. (hell, 90% of separated and divorced women say this.. Thanks Rutgers!) She's going to be moving to a larger town with her neice who's going away to college.

To be honest, I can't blame her. She didn't go to college. She didn't get to have wild college parties and live on the edge. Now? She's going to be able to experience it all.. And I can't really blame her. In fact, I envy her.

Yet it also seems to me that she's running away. Running away from the kids, me, the town, her family (aside from her niece).. Running away from anything and everything that might resemble her life with me. I actually feel like a piece of garbage that's been tossed out for the truck to come pick up, but nobody INCLUDING the garbage man wants to deal with me!

Then I also was asked not to be sending her anymore emails. Now, I have written her a couple of times when I've had some eye-opening revalations about myself and the skills that I've lacked for our marriage. I've admitted where I've failed, and I've told her all about it.

Yet somehow this makes her feel guilty.

Why?

The guilt lies with me, not her! How is it that my coming to realize that I've been a complete failure and screw-up causes someone else to feel guilty?

The guilt and fault is mine.. Don't try to take it upon yourself to feel for someone who doesn't deserve your guilt or pity.

So, now I'm left with the quickly fading options:

No family. The kids are with their mom. I get to see them when I'm not trying to fill my time with work. Soon, no wife. She's leaving town at the end of the year, and I don't think I'll see her again because I highly doubt she's going to be looking back.

So, what's really left?

That's a question that right now I'm not in a mindset to answer or think about.

I'm in the wrong!

2010-07-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

As some of you may or may not know, I moonlight as a DJ so that I can bring in extra cash, and help meet some of my weekly expenses.

This time, I was the MC for a wedding.

I don't know about you, but with the stuff that I'm going through I'm finding it difficult to find happiness in someone else's joy. I mean, usually when I'm doing these kind of things, I recall happy memories, and I'm able to at least enjoy myself to a degree while technically working as the "sound guy".

Today was something a bit different.

I listened to the message while these two young people were wed. Taking the words to heart, I've come to realize that I've seriously wronged my wife, and I'm here to try to apologize and somehow figure out a way to make amends.

First off, I've taken her for granted. I've assumed that she's there to take care of the kids when I'm not home. I've assumed that she'll do the housework that needs to be done. I've assumed that she'll take care of everything, and I'll do what I remember to do (most of the time) and everything will be fine.

This is the first of many mistakes I've made. I need to be there and be doing just as much as she had been doing. I needed to step up and take charge of the kids. I needed to be there and do work around the house when I've seen that it needed to be done. I need to be more accountable for the things, large and small, that go hand in hand with living with a family.

Secondly, I've failed to keep the marriage thriving. I haven't kept the romance kindled. I haven't made her feel like the cherished person that she is. I've assumed that she knows it, but I've never really DONE anything to SHOW her. I haven't made her feel loved, wanted, pursued.. I needed to do all these things and more, and yet I haven't.

Lastly, I've failed to communicate effectively with her. Nearly each and every discussion we had led to some kind of defensive action on either her or my part. We were never able to talk and just listen to the other. Communication is so vital to a marriage, and with that vitality missing, it's really no wonder that it's basically dying right before my very eyes.

I've come to realize all of this, yet somehow it seems like too little, too late. Why is it that some of the most important lessons you learn tend to be AFTER you need it?

I've still got a sliver of an opportunity, but the outcome of that chance isn't in my control, so I don't know if this insight is really going to matter or not. However, it's a lesson that I'm taking to heart, if only to be able to pass on this knowledge to my own sons as they get old enough to find brides of their own.

Love your spouse. Cherish them. TALK with them. Make them feel needed and adored. Make time to spend with them.. Do this, and the marriage has much better odds of overcoming adversity as it comes. Let them slide, and you'll end up where I'm at.

Do me a favor, and work on the marriage.. You don't want to be in my shoes.

All over but the bleeding...

2010-07-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah. It seriously looks that way. I've tried to talk, I've tried to change, and I've tried to do whatever I could to breathe life into the corpse that is my failing marriage.

However, without the life spark from the other side, things just won't happen.

She admitted to me that she doesn't love me.

So I'm throwing all of my love, my energy and desire at a rock.

For me, this is the end. I'm not going through this again. I CAN'T go through this again. I honestly don't know if I could take it.

So, I'm working on bettering myself for my kids and me. I'm going to see through my obligations and responsibilities, and I'm going to just be.

I'm not going to look for anything else. I'm going to work, I'm going to play and be with my kids, and I'm going to eat and sleep and do whatever else is necessary to get me from one day to the next.

I'm not going to look for someone else. I refuse to open myself up to someone else who could crush me. I let down my lies and defenses for one person, and in that moment of weakness I was all but destroyed. Never again.

The walls are going back up, and the impenetrable fortress of my heart and emotions will remain safe and secure.

Beliefs

2010-07-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm quite the firm believer in the human spirit.

I believe that if we put our minds to whatever we desire, the only thing that can keep us from achieving that desire or goal is ourselves.

I also am a believer in God. I believe that he's out there, and that he cares deeply for me.

I've been critiqued a few times on this blog for needing to "get back" to faith, and "get right" with God.

To be honest, God and I are on good working terms. I'm not really in good cahoots with the human aspect of his religion, though.

To be honest, the church can kiss my ass.

I feel closer to God by walking my dogs, seeing the sunrise, and appreciating this wide wonderful world I've been put in.

I don't feel closer to God when I walk into a building, and get put into some kind of cookie-cutter social ladder. You know the type: "This person seems to know how to pray and read the Bible, so they're holy and righteous, but not as much as me, and definitely not on par with so-and-so" ad nauseum. Is there seriously a religious pecking order? Do we have to be "Holier-than-thou" in order for our faith to impact people?

I say no. Actions speak much more loudly than words. There are christians that I would LOVE to emulate. Their faith, their beliefs, and their joy for life and love are something I've yet to find, but am desperately seeking.

However, there are also christians out there who seriously give the title a black eye. It's these hypocritical ones who have basically chased me off, and made me swear that I'm not going back. It's these types of people who are probably the basis for all of the other Christian sects that we find, and maybe even a few offshoot religions as well.

I don't think that they really MEAN anything by their religious stupidity, I just think that they don't know any better. As the old adage says "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

I'm sure that they mean well, they just don't follow through with it, and in doing so they cause more harm than any good that can come out of the situation.

I believe in the sancitiy of marriage. I believe that two people can work as a team, and make more out of their lives and love than any one person can honestly hope to achieve. I believe that no outside force can separate these two if they believe in each other, and support one another.

I believe that there's a reason for anything and everything that happens to us. We adapt, we move on, or we wither away and die. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

I believe that I lost track of where I was going with this post..

Because of this, I believe that I will close now, and just let the dust settle for a while...

There are views, and then there are views....

2010-07-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I can't dispute the fact that most of the things I've done basically have no proof in them whatsoever.

The only real way someone can believe that I was in the Navy is because I fell into a picture of mine from boot camp. I don't have any of the others where I made E-4, E-5, or E-6.. I don't have the nostalgia pictures that I took while in Taiwan, Hong Kong, or Tokyo. I don't have my Pearl Harbor regalia. Hell, I don't even know where my sea bags and old uniforms went to!

I don't have any of my old uniforms or pictures when I travelled around Europe playing soccer. I don't have the train ticket stubs. I don't have the airline tickets. I don't even have some of the shirts and posters that I gathered while playing for the six weeks I was over there.

All I have are memories, and even those are apparently suspect.

How can you refute the testimony of one person's word against another? It's a he-said-she-said argument that's going to get you absolutely nowhere. I'd love to argue about it, but the fact will still remain that I have NO proof. Until such time as they're able to make a machine that can see and project your memories, I'm stuck.

Leave aside the fact that the person who is denying my memories is the same person who abused me for 15+ years, and denies this as well. This same person is someone with whom I'm still quite uncomfortable being around for any long length of time. This same person still shows the preferences and attitudes that I've grown used to seeing, and don't really pay attention to anymore.

However, for those who haven't lived or dealt with it, they have no reason to believe any of it, now would they?

Why should they believe that some upstanding christian woman would come home from work and beat the living tar out of her oldest son if the laundry wasn't completely finished? Who would believe that the lead nurse at a community's recovery room would slap her son across the head with the seat of a piano bench, and then tell the doctor stitching him up that he hurt himself playing football in the street? Who would guess that this caring woman for every other person on the face of the planet had such a violent temper and hard fist?

I can't say. I carry the scars. I carry the wounds. I carry the hurt, but again I have no proof.

Maybe someday I'll be justified, but for now all I have are the memories.

Oh, and the scars.

State of Confusion

2010-07-15T03:29:00.001-07:00

I don't understand people.

How can one person feel one way, and have someone else feel another about the same situation?

Take movies. A drama usually evokes serious reaction from people. Some folks hate drama. They can't stand the fact that the movie made a spotlight about a specific emotion or feeling. Others adore them. They love being taken on the rollercoaster rides of emotion, and come back for more religiously.

I don't see how I can be so torn about what's happening to our marriage, and yet see my wife being so happy.

Maybe for her, it's just the finishing touches to what has been a bad time in her life, and she's well rid of the stress and pain that I caused and brought into her life. Maybe without me there, she'll be able to see and do all of those things that she's so desperately wanted to do but couldn't because I was around.

For me, it's like watching your arm slowly wither away and die. There's nothing you can do to save it, it's excruciatingly painful, and you're going to miss it terribly.

I don't know.

I do know this... However much it hurts lets me know just how deeply I felt for what we had.

I just wish I could know if there was truly anything there from her end at all, or if it was all for my kids?

How can I say this?

Because she still wants to be a vital part of my kids' lives, just not mine. In this, I'm honestly insanely jealous. I wish she'd feel that way for me. I wish there was some way for those feelings she has for my kids would be directed my way. I wish, I wish, I wish....

And yet, even through it all, I'm blessed.

Because regardless of the outcome, I know that at the end of the day my kids will be well provided for if anything were to ever happen to me.

In the end, that's all that really matters.

A glutton for punishment.

2010-07-14T19:20:00.001-07:00

I must be a sadist in some form.

How have I come to this rationalization?

It's easy. I keep trying to talk and see my wife. I desire to spend time with her. Hell, I enjoy just being able to look at her and talk with her.

Obviously, she's not of the same mindset, or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That, coupled with a small tid-bit of info that she gave me tonight really kind of hurt, and I just can't get the words to stop echoing in my head.

This is what she told me:

"I'm actually happy, and less stressed now. People have seen the change, and notice it without even knowing what's going on between you and I."

I keep thinking that maybe I should just let go. Maybe I should let her get on with her life, and stop trying to drag around something that is never going to happen. I mean, if I were a true man, and if I truly love this woman, than I should do what I can to make sure that she's happy, right?

If I follow this line of reasoning, then to make her happy, and because I love her, I've got to let her go, and just cut off my last piece of life I have left. A type of self-suicide of the heart, if you will.

My head keeps telling me that it's over.. I just wish I could somehow get my heart to listen.

The Joke's on Me!

2010-07-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

As I stated in my last post, my High School reunion was this weekend. I wanted to go for two main reasons:

First, I didn't go to my last one, and wanted to see what everyone looked like since some time had passed.

Second, there are a couple of folks that I graduated with that I'd really like to see again, and I was hoping that they'd be there.

Well, I was disappointed on both accounts.

The cliques were still the same. Popular kids hung out with each other. Jocks (even the ones who were too out of shape and overweight to ever play again!) hung out with each other. The skinny bitches and built dickheads all stuck like glue.. It was like jumping back into high school for adults, and living the nightmare all over again.

I'd never really fit into any one social pecking order in high school. I played for band, orchestra and choir. I played 4 different sports. I was a bookworm who was able to get pretty good grades without really having to crack the books. The only two things I had going against me were that my family wasn't floating in cash, and I wasn't one of the overly pretty folks.

Thus, I was an outcast from pretty much each and every group in school. Too athletic for the intelligent and musically gifted folks. Too bookish for the jocks. Too ugly for the pretty folks. Too poor to be in with the self-endorsed rich kids who by definition were the most popular because of what they could afford, and had AWESOME party houses when the folks were away.

This weekend showed me that years can pass, but some things will never change. Even with me going out and starting conversations got me a cold shoulder, and not even a grunt for a "hello". I felt relegated to even less than the hired caterers at the party, because at least they were talked to!

All in all, I spent a frustrated evening watching folks get re-acquainted with each other, and I ate yet another slice of humble pie knowing that even though I've got friends and family, there's really not much about me that begs for folks to be interested in me.

Sure, I'm eloquent. I'm snooty and have a bit of a quick wit and temper. I'm stubborn. I argue. I chew at things until it pisses most folks off, and they tell me off about it.

I'm all these things, and yet I'm something more....

I'm a dad. I'm a father who doesn't want to see this kind of thing happen to his kids. I want them to be in the popular groups. I want them to look forward to seeing their classmates after they've graduated. I want them to have the chances I've never had.

My goal now is to try to make that dream a reality.

Here's to dreams.....

Reunion time..

2010-07-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah. It's about that time.

I can't believe that it's time for yet another High School Reunion. Has it really been that long ago? I don't feel any different, really. I know I look different. Heck, I'm nearly 200 pounds heavier now than I was when I graduated!

I would love to show up at this with my wife on my arm, but with things the way they are, I'm going to let her be, and deal with things myself.

I wonder who all is going to be there?

I get to set up and run the music, so I'll be there a bit early, and get to see the folks and their reactions before most other folks.. That'll be a bit of a bonus!

Take care all!

It's the little things...

2010-07-05T14:42:00.001-07:00

You know, I guess that there's one good thing about my ability to lie well.

At least the kids are able to have fun still. That means that I guess I can fake it pretty well, right?

Yesterday wasn't bad, but it was quite depressing for me. However, I tried to put on a good face, and make it interesting and fun for the kids. Since they called me today, and told me how much fun they had, I guess I did something right, wouldn't you say?

I've got to admit.. Even though I'm really chewing myself up over this entire thing, if the kids make it through this in good shape, I'll be content.

I guess that it's not who you lie to, or what it's about. It's really all in the intention, isn't it?

Or is it?

That's the question that keeps getting me in trouble, I guess.

Holidays

2010-07-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I used to look forward to holidays. I used to love spending time with friends and family, laughing and enjoying the company of each and every person.

Now? I can't stand the thought of yet another holiday.

Let me tell you why:

I don't have a family to spend it with. Sure, I've got a mom and dad who invite me to things, but only if my brother and his family show up. Then, it becomes a session of waiting for what they're going to do in order to schedule everything around their time. I love my brother, and I enjoy spending time with him, but I'd also REALLY like to have something scheduled around MY time for once as well.

Also, since separating from my wife, I don't have someone I really want to spend much time with. I mean, I spend quite a bit of time with my roommates, but they have work schedules and families of their own to spend time with, and I don't want to become some kind of hindrance with their lives. My wife doesn't really want me around, so I'm trying to keep my distance there, and let her move on with her life, since it seems like that is what she's really desiring at this time.

Then there's my kids. I get them, but only for a set period of time, and then they go back to my ex, and I get to return to a cold and empty house. I could try to say that I'm starting to get used to living on my own again, but that would just be another lie.

I hate living on my own. I'm alone. I'm bored. I'm frustrated that there's nothing I can do to fix this feeling. Why? Becuase I'm staying true to my wife until such time as she either cuts me loose, or asks me back. I've sworn to be faithful, so faithful I'll be until she cuts me off from those vows. Who knows? Maybe by then I could care less, and still remain faithful.

The worst part is just sitting, and letting the mind run amok. Feelings, thoughts, memories all flood in and overwhelm me. In order to escape it, I run away to a pretend land of monsters and such.. I play games, and escape reality until something else comes along to divert my mind and attention.

It's not a good coping mechanism, but it's working for me, so I'm going to keep with it.

Hope you all have a great 4th. Celebrate, enjoy, and live vicariously.

Accountability

2010-07-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I've come to appreciate the comments that Doggybloggy and Snugs gave me these last few posts.

Yeah, I'm an opinionated asshole who thinks that the cup is half-empty. I also believe that if given the right set of circumstances, people will give good advice without really realizing it.

In this, I've come to understand that it's not just what I do that is going to make a difference here. It's also what I _don't_ do that is going to mean something.

So, I'm not going to press. I'm not going to pry. I'm going to give space. I'm going to plod on about my daily business, go to work, come home, take care of kids, and live. If she ever decides to turn back to me, THEN I'll think about doing something. However, until that time comes, I need to focus on myself and my kids.

After all, when it's all said and done this isn't about me as it is about my kids. I need to provide for them. I need to gain some self-esteem back. I need to grow a pair. I need to become the man that I want to be, and I need to do this all on my own.

So, I'm growing up. I'm learning to take more responsibility for my actions. I'm trying to teach my kids the value of doing things for yourself.

My hope?

I don't know, to be honest. I just hope that I'll learn the lessons that I need. I hope that I'll be able to teach my kids the same. I hope that I don't fail.

I hope they'll look back at this, and be proud of me.

I need to work.

2010-06-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I need to work more. I've got a job I'm starting on Monday, and I moonlight when I can as a DJ. However, that's not helping meet the bills, so I'm going to start looking for yet another job to suppliment all of this. Maybe if I'm working enough, I can afford a house for me and the kids, even though I won't be around to take care of them! Who knows?

All I know right now is that it's not enough. I feel like shit for not being able to bring my kids with me. I'm depressed because I can't seem to make my wife understand where I'm coming from, and I don't really think she cares much anyway. I'm frustrated that I'm stuck in a home with two other guys who don't care or want to listen to my problems. I'm pissed off that I really have no one to turn to about my problems aside from this stupid fucking blog. I'm annoyed that as I write this, I'm sure that Doggybloggy and Snugs are going to think up some nasty shit to say about me, and they're more than likely going to hit close enough to home to actually hurt.

All in all, I'm feeling a failure, living a lie, and unsure of where to go.

Yay for summertime.

Compare and Contrast

2010-06-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

You know, for the past few weeks I've done nothing but bitch and complain. Today, while driving around getting errands done, I had an epiphany.

See, I've had issues that have affected our relationship. However, to be fair, I want some kind of comparison to see how things stack up.

Know what? I think I've found it.

See, with me her major problem is my lying. I've been working on it. I'm MUCH better now than I used to be. I've still got a LONG way to go.

Now I've got a comparison for her: Her weight. It's been an issue for her since the beginning of our relationship. It's bothered her time and again. Hell, she's actually gotten heavier since I've met her than when we got together.

She tells me that I'm not making progress fast enough for her, and she's frustrated with my apparent lack of progress.

Turn the mirror around, please. She's been on one diet or another since we've been together. Yet she hasn't made ANY progress, in fact, she's WORSE now than when we met.

Now, she holds against me my past transgressions. She refuses to forgive, and when I fail all of my previous mistakes are brought back out and thrown back in my face. She can't let go of the past, and sees each step I take on my attempt to control my lying with a pessimistic attitude. I don't see any kind of support, only a "we'll see how this one does" kind of attitude.

Look at her: She's now at a weight loss camp to try to improve her coping skills. She's upset with my apparent lack of support. Yet I've seen time and again how she'll start a diet and lose some weight. Then she'll celebrate, take a week off, and go back to the diet only to find that she isn't losing weight fast enough, and abandon the diet. Rinse and repeat. I can't count the number of times I've seen it. Tell me.. Why should I believe that this one is going to be any different aside from the amount of cash that was spent to send her off for a month-long getaway? Is this any different than her "wait and see" attitude on my issues?

No. It's not.

By her standards, I should be leaving her because her weight issue hasn't made enough progress, and looks to stay a problem. Just like she's passing judgement on my lying.

However, with all that has happened, I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I'm willing to look past it all. I'm honestly hoping that this one will be the key, and she'll make the progress she needs. However, even if it doesn't, I'm still there to love this person FOR WHO THEY ARE.

Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I'm a complete fool who needs to get a serious dose of reality, and come down from cloud 9. Maybe I'll wake up and smell reality sometime soon.. Who knows?

I just wish that somehow I could get through to this person just how much I honestly care, and can't understand why they can't do the same..

Irritation

2010-06-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

You know, when I get irritated, I can't sit still. I have to get up, and move my ass, and DO something.

Today, I'm irritated. I've gone out and mowed the lawn. I did dishes. As soon as my roommate gets his stuff out of the washer and dryer, I'm going to do my laundry. Right now? I'm going to bitch and complain and give my opinion on things.

First off: Relationships.

How is it that two people can come together, decide that they're right for each other, and then have one of those folks try to change the other person for the rest of the time that they're together?

Here's my ideal relationship: Two people meet. They fall in love with each other, flaws and all. They work with each other to compliment and support one another regardless of what comes along. They struggle and cry through the bad times, and they enjoy and celebrate the good times. They share it all, do it all, and plan it all TOGETHER.

More often than not, however, I see it another way. I see it as two folks meeting, loving each other for some reason, and deciding to make a "go" of it. Then these two spend a few years hounding each other about what they need to change, who's responsible for what, and blaming each other for the lack found in the relationship. Then, it flames out, and the two go their separate ways, usually harboring some kind of resentment or hurt over the other person.

WHY? Why do we inisit on trying this? Why can't grown people come to some sort of compromise, and make things work? What gives one person the right to decide what's going to be the norm or example of how a relationship should work, and then force the other person to conform or get out?

WHY?

To be honest, I don't know.

I'd love to have a relationship where we both were able to give, to work through things, and to struggle TOGETHER to achieve common goals. I'd love to say that even when things are difficult, and times are trying, that my significant other is there supporting and comforting me. I'd love to say that I've got the answers.

The fact is that I don't. I don't have ANY kind of answer. I've got dreams, and I've got hopes, but aside from those, I have NOTHING.

At one time, I'd have told you that I had everything I needed. A happy home. A loving wife. A stable job. Now? I've got a job I haven't started yet. I've got a place to stay, but no home. I don't have a wife, and I've given my kids to my ex, so I've basically lost my family.

My hope is that somehow things will turn out for the better. I don't know what path that will take. I don't know if I'll be able to turn around and find out this was all just a nasty dream, and things have taken a better turn. I don't know if I'll be forced to look elsewhere for that person. Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to even try to find someone. Maybe I'm better off being alone, and trying to make things work on my own. Maybe my problem is that I'm hoping for someone else, when all I really should be doing is taking care of things myself, and let everyone else burn. Who knows?

As of now, I'm resigned. I'm irritated, I'm frustrated, I'm exhausted, and I'm out of patience.

We'll see what happens, because you know at some point I'll be back to write or complain some more!

Until then..

No words, just feelings

2010-06-22T10:46:00.001-07:00

I'm at a loss.

There's really no other way to describe it. In one short simple phrase, it's gone. My wife, my family, my livelihood.. GONE.

As of yesterday, hope has taken a leave of absence. It's pretty much final. My marriage is over.

How do I feel?

Bewildered. Stunned. Lost.

Yet, I'm angry. Pissed. Upset with myself, and with my wife-soon-to-be-second-ex. I feel terrible for my kids. I feel hounded by my bad decisions and confused by some of her reactions to things that really had no effect on her or our relationship, yet she chose to make them so.

I'm offended.

The last time I talked with her, she told me that one of her major decisions in calling it quits was because of my failure to fight harder to keep my kids.

That comment really kind of pushed me over the edge.

Want to know why?

I can barely afford to keep myself in a small room at a friend's house and pay for my car and cell phone. I can't really pitch much in in the way of groceries, let alone sundries like laundry detergent or toothpaste.

Now, on that limited budget try to figure out how you're going to get medical coverage for three kids, plus feed them, clothe them, pay for their meals while at school or daycare. Hell, try to figure out how to pay for daycare!

I'm not perfect, but I do want what's best for my kids. I can't provide for them on my own, but my ex, she's married and has a stable income and a house to live in. That's WAY more than I can provide right now.

Did I want to let her have them? HELL NO.

However, the choice had been made for me long before I had to start looking. Was I supposed to sit around and daydream about "what if's" and "maybes"? Not where they're concerned. If it was just for myself, I probably would have. I can't afford that kind of time where they're concerned.

To be honest, right now I'm of a mindset that if this marriage ends, she can take from it what she brought into it. That means that my kids aren't going to be seeing her, if I have any kind of say in the matter.

But there's another side of me that knows how much of a caring person she is, and how good of a mother she was to my kids. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile that person with the person I'm seeing right now. I'm trying, but it's DAMN HARD.

So for now, I guess it's just going to be me trying to pick up the pieces I have left, and move on.

Alone.

Yet another annoying rant coming on....

2010-06-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ok.

First off, I get that folks would be upset at me for thinking that weight loss is a simple matter. Heck, I'm overweight, why can't I get it done?

However, to back up my argument, here's how I see it:

First off, there's moderation, like I posted earlier. Take everything in moderated amounts. THAT INCLUDES EXERCISE, NOT JUST FOOD.

Secondly, you have to stick with this. You have to want to make it work, and you have to be dedicated enough to go through with it RAIN OR SHINE. Just because it's a nasty day out doesn't mean that you get a free pass. It means that you get creative, and find some other way of getting your exercise in without walking that mile uphill, or whatever.

Personally, I'm overweight because I really don't care. Plain and simple. I'm comfortable with myself. Yeah, it'd be nice to have the fit and toned body that I had when I came out of the service, but that was 20 years ago, and I'm not going to put myself through the rigors I went through to get there again.

Plus, I love food. I like the taste, I love the textures, I love the smells, and I love to eat. I enjoy cooking it, eating it, preparing it.. The whole nine yards.

I actually DO exercise. I don't exercise nearly enough for the amount of crap I put into myself, but I do get out and get active. I play volleyball three times a week for about 2-2 1/2 hours each time. It's fun, it's active, and it gets the sweat flowing and the muscles moving.

If I could restrain myself from taking in so much crap, I'm sure that I'd drop weight, and get down in pounds and sizes. However, because of my care-free attitude, I don't. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for how I am, and where I'm at. I don't eat because I'm stressed, I don't eat because I'm angry, I don't eat to take out aggression or passion about something. I eat because I love to eat, 'nuff said.

Now, I know that there are healthier ways to prepare foods. I also know that there are better items out there to eat besides red meat and beer. That being said, I also know that if I decide to fix steak and potatoes, I don't eat an entire pound of steak and six helpings of potatoes, and instead opt for a reasonable cut, and one medium baked potato will suffice. I mean, c'mon! This seriously ISN'T rocket science!

I've taken nutrition courses. I've cooked the "regular" and "weight-saving" ways. To be honest, aside from the meat substitutions, it's really not much different! The calories are still there, the carbs actually get higher with some more "health conscious" foods if you're not careful, and sodium increases with some of the preparations you make in the "healthier" meals.

Basically, if you pay attention, READ what you're putting into stuff, moderate what you eat, and balance that with exercise, you're going to lose weight, and slim down. I know that saying this seems simple, and to be honest I really think it is. You just have to make it a priority, and stick with it. Habits are formed easily. If you can stick with a habit of buying and preparing healthy food, plus exercising daily.. You'll lose the weight.

I don't see what all the hype is, really. Get a gym membership. Buy some cookbooks, and instead of going with red meats, substitute chicken or turkey. Eat more fish. Make meals smaller, and have a couple more during the day. Instead of three square meals, have five. Breakfast, after breakfast, lunch, midday, and dinner. Or, if you want, snack ALL DAY, but don't actually sit down for a serious meal. Whatever you decide, you need to stick with. BUT ADD THE EXERCISE. You could seriously eat like a mouse, and hardly take in anything during the day. But if you don't exercise, and sit on your butt, you're still going to mushroom. Take in food, burn it off by swimming, or running, or playing basketball, or some such thing. JUST BE CONSISTENT. If it rains, go run on the treadmill instead of outside. Just make sure that you're dedicated to not only feeding yourself, but exercising as well.

I'm done ranting. I know that this will probably offend all of you, since each and every time I've said something along these lines, it pisses folks off.. So be it. If you don't like what I say, you honestly don't have to come back here and read it!

ARRGH!

2010-06-17T02:29:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm pissed..

Well, since I'm writing, that's usually a given, isn't it?

What makes behavior in one person acceptable to someone, while the same behavior from someone else is completely intolerable?

Is there some kind of magic switch that makes us view things from specific people radically different from others?

Take this for example:

I've got two dogs. However, since moving out, the dogs have stayed at the house with the sister-in-law who has been living with us for the past TWO years. I took said dogs to the groomers, and brought them back. Upon dropping by the house today to check for any mail, I found the dogs still outside, no water, dirty, unkept, and I'm not really sure if they were fed, either.

I proceeded to complain about this to my wife. I also stated that if taking care of the dogs was too much for the sister-in-law, I'd be willing to dog-sit them until wife got home, and bring them back up to the house.

In response, I got a snooty reply, letting me know that _I_ wasn't such a good person to take care of the dogs, either, and to stop writing negative emails to her, as she's enjoying her time there, and doesn't want to spoil anything.

So, it's ok for Sis to mistreat the dogs, because obviously I did it too, right? Um, excuse me? I got kicked out of the house! Shouldn't the same kind of treatment be levied against good 'ol sister too? If not that, maybe some kind of nice, long silent treatment, with a good long bitch session two or three days later?

If this were my brother, I can guarantee you that she'd be up in arms over the way he'd been treating the dogs, and he'd be a bastard for life. However, it's her sister, her family, and nothing and nobody is going to be able to show her that things aren't going well there.

Honestly, I don't want to bitch and complain to her about things here. I would LOVE for things here to be nice, and peaceful, and happy-go-lucky.

However, reality dictates that I be sincere. I get in too much trouble when I start making things up, and honesty is the best policy, correct? Here's a reality check for you: Just because you're having a nice time AT A RESORT doesn't mean that REAL LIFE IS GOING TO STOP FOR YOU. Sure, you might have put it on "hold" for a bit, but the fact of the matter is that you're going to have to face the things you've put aside, and deal with them eventually whether you want to or not.

I've offered to help. I've tried to be supportive. Hell, I've bent over backwards to do what she's asked, even when I don't agree with it.

I just can't anymore.

WAKE UP.

You're at a camp to learn how to lose weight, and keep with a program. However, I don't think it teaches you how to say "no" to your desires of grabbing an easy fast-food lunch when you're out with clients. I also don't think they teach you the willpower to say "no" to friends when they keep pestering you to go eat appetizers at your favorite restaurants. They give you skills you need in order to fix your meals, and exercise. They don't teach you self-restraint and common sense. Those are assumed to have been learned. However, if you've gotten into the habit of putting something aside "just this once" a few times too often, you get into a vicious circle of starting off strong, and fading quickly thereafter.

Sad, but that's what I see happening here. It's the same with any diet program that I've seen taken in action. Binge, purge, workouts, exercise, nutrition, Atkins, whatever you want. You start it, stay focused for a while, make headway, and celebrate by letting go for a bit. Then you buckle down to start in again, but not as strict as the last time. Not as much of a result, disillusionment sets in, and it starts sliding backwards from there.

Wow. At first this was a rant against Sister In Law and my wife's protection of her, and it's turned into a flame against my wife's drive for yet another diet and exercise program.

It's late. I should get to bed.

Think about this for a second:

Moderation has always been the key for stable weight loss and dieting. If you consistently exercise, and moderate how much you eat, you'll lose weight, or maintain the weight that you want to be at. Granted, it's not going to be some HUGE weight loss that you'll document for a couple of weeks. It's going to be gradual, and it's going to take time and effort. (GASP!) Yes.. TIME and EFFORT. You have to work at it (consiously!) in order to make it effective and work.

Anyway, that's my bitch. Read or ignore at your leisure.

Time to pick the collective brain...

2010-06-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

Do you ever really think that something could be beyond repair?

I mean, if you were committed to working and compromising for whatever it took, could something REALLY be beyond repair?

I ask, because I know that I would give anything, everything, and maybe even more to put my marriage back.

I'm not sure if my wife knows this. I mean, she gives me the lip service telling me that she does, yet her actions don't really seem to suit the words and phrases that she gives me, you know?

Anyway, I'm now moved in to my "new" place. I'm not settled, but I have moved. I still check on the house, make sure everything's taken care of while she's gone. To be honest, I don't know what else to do, really.

I'm asking her if she's wanting me to pick her up from the airport when she gets back, or if she doesn't want to see me and has other plans made....

We'll find out, won't we?

Confession

2010-06-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I swore to myself that I was going to leave blogging alone, and not come back. However, since I've basically lied to everyone else, why not myself as well?

This weekend, I get to move what little I have of my own to a new place. Yes, the wife has asked me to move out, and see if we can't start over. However, knowing her mindset, this is basically goodbye, don't bother calling us, we'll call you.

Not only that, but with my limited income, I've had to send my kids back to live with my ex. I _really_ can't stand that part, but there's really nothing else I can do here. I can't ask my wife to watch my own kids while I'm living someplace else, now can I? Not only that, but she and my oldest don't get along at all, and I can guarantee you that she wouldn't deal with that one. Sure, she might be willing for the younger two, but considering that I've got THREE kids, not just two, that deal isn't going to work for me. If I could afford it, I'd keep them with me, but in order to have a house where we could LIVE, I'd need to make twice as much as I do, and prove that I can bring in THREE TIMES that monthly. I hate to admit it, but there really are times where I wish I'd been more attentive in school, and finished it.

I'm floundering. I'm lost. I've heard a song recently that seems to speak directly to me as if I thought it all up, and someone else wrote it all down, and put it to music. The song is by the group The Script, and it's called "Break Even".

Here's a little taste of the song:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin'
Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I've got time while she's got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks well it don't break even

I can relate wholeheartedly to this one set of lines. Yeah, I'm here. I'm functioning. I'm still plodding on day by day. However, I don't have any joy in it anymore. I could really care less how each day turns out, because the next one will be quite similar. Same shit, different day.

I pray for some kind of change. Some kind of sign, some kind of hope. However, I don't believe it will, I don't believe that it can, and I really hold no hope because if there were a God out there, HOW COULD HE LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME TWICE?? No, not once.. TWICE. I've put my heart and soul into changing and becoming a better husband and father. I'm miles away from where I was just 10 short years ago. I know I've still got miles to go. Yet with all of that, I don't care. Why? Because I've lost my family. My kids are at my ex's house. My wife's left me. My real reason for change isn't there anymore. My hope, my will, my desire is GONE.

My wife's at a resort right now trying to change her life. She's working to become more comfortable in her own skin. She's trying to learn how to develop the skills and techniques she needs to operate in this crazy world without losing her sense of self. I'm all for it. She needs that confidence and those skills. Hell, I basically forced her to go when she started talking about putting her trip off for a later date.

Yet, as she stays there, alone, without me, without the stresses of life and family, she gets further and further away, and it becomes much easier to just let us go. Distance does that to us all. Out of sight, out of mind, out of life. She's got the freedom, I've got nothing but time to think about how screwed up I've made this entire thing. I've got nothing but time to think about all of my flaws, my failures, my setbacks, my losses. When your marriage is ending it's really difficult to see any kind of success, you know?

I have a new job. The hours suck. The days suck. It's a nice job, if I can just get over the days and hours that I work. I'm sure I'll be able to at some point, but for now it just sucks balls. Yeah, there's some nice benefits and perks, but all in all, it's a shit job, and we all know it. I've got to make the income somehow, though. Because of this, I'll deal, and hope for something better.

I don't know if I'll write anymore, but this was just me trying to vent, and get things off my chest before I self imploded. I hope and pray that any of my readers don't fall into this problem I have, and that you live life to the fullest, cherishing and enjoying each moment like it was your last.. Because from my viewpoint, it very well could be. Take care, take heart, and be good to each other.

Jorm

My Most Sincere and Deepest Apologies..

2010-01-22T11:08:00.000-08:00

As some of you (those choice few who have been reading this blog for a while) know, I've been having on-again off-again problems with my marriage.

I know for a fact that 90% of it has to do with me, and my behavior.

Why?

Because, for all of my age, I'm just an older version of a child, really.

Sad, but true.

I enjoy video games. I escape to them quite frequently, and get completely absorbed into the nothingness that comes from diving into a fantasy, and not coming back to the real world for a while.

I'm a liar. Not a good one, but I _am_ a liar.

Why?

I don't know. Sometimes it's because of fear. Other times, it's because I don't like how it's going to make me look if I answer honestly. Sometimes I just say something because I don't want to listen to the conversation and the track it's taking. It's never the same reason, but it's the same result. I've been trying to kick this habit for YEARS, and each time I think I've got it under control, it comes back even worse than before.

I'm not the best father.

I've known this for years as well. If it weren't for my wife, I probably would still be living out of some dump, barely scraping by, and visiting the kids about once a month (if that) when I felt the need. I'd never have been as involved in their care, never noticed the abuses they'd been subjected to, and never have gained custody of these grand babies if it hadn't been for her.

Now? Even though I've got them, I still don't interact with them near as much as I should. Most times I'm camped out in front of a TV set watching a show, or playing a video game, or reading a book, and don't pay attention to their questions, or their pictures they've made, or any of a number of things that I should really enjoy and cherish.

I'm missing my kids growing up, and to be honest, I don't know how I feel about it.

I know I should be upset. I know that I should be kicking myself in the butt, and doing something to rectify the problem. But there's also a part of me that keeps asking "what problem?"

You see, I keep thinking back to my own childhood, and I see myself doing and acting the same way my dad did. He'd join me every once in a while to play, but more often than not, he was in the bathroom with a book, crashed out in front of the TV while his shows were on, or buried in the back office pouring over bills and the home finances.

I've substituted video games for the bills, since I'm not worth crap at budgets. However, the behaviors are all mine.

I keep rationalizing with myself that my kids are still being raised better, because they don't live in fear of being beaten when I get home. That's something I lived with from my mom, and there are still days that a certain tone in her voice will give me cold chills. My kids don't have to deal with that. In fact, they get upset if I have to raise my voice, so I usually don't have to resort to any kind of physical punishment at all.

Then there's the part of me that is an inconsiderate ass to my wife.

Apparently, I don't know how to be a good husband, either.

Yeah, I've seen all the "trophy" husbands who do it all, know it all, and can still work 14-ish hours a day. I'm not one of them.

I know some things. Others, I can fake. Most, I just shrug and think that we should get someone who knows what they're doing, and pay them for it.

I'm not like my Father-in-law. I don't go and LOOK for things to do. if someone comes to me and lets me know that something's wrong, I'll take the time to go see what I can do about it. If I can't do it, or don't know what the problem is, I'll find someone else who can.

I'm not someone who runs a tight ship. I don't double-bag my garbage so that my garbage can doesn't stink. I don't take extra-special care of my yard tools to make sure they don't rust more than they should. I don't have special tools for various projects.

However, I am better than my father at being around the house.

I'm not better than my mom at doing things around the house.

Yes, there's housework to be done. There's yardwork that needs to be taken care of. There's various other things that need attention. I can do them, but how often? At what times?

Apparently, when I decide to do something about things, it's "too little, too late" or something along those lines.

Hell, according to my Mother-in-law, I should magically KNOW what I'm supposed to do, and just do it.

I didn't know that by growing older, you'd gain the knowledge of how to do things, the timing of needing to get things done, and just be able to go out and do them.

So I'm useless, inconsiderate, and a basic jerk.

Not only that, but I'm a lecher.

Yeah.

I like girls. I flirt. I tease.

However, I'm a coward.

I can talk and tease and flirt, but if it came down to it, I don't think I could ever "finish the deal".

Sure, I enjoy the attention. After all, if I didn't, would I have really started writing this blog?

However, this has gotten me in trouble as well. Because I'm not willing to change my behavior, it's hurting my wife, and pushing her further away from me. I tried to hide it, but like any idiot, I've left things out there that have given her probable cause to distrust me yet again.

I can say until I'm blue in the face that I would never do things to dishonor her, but given my penchant for lying, and my love of attention, girls, and flirting, how can she really trust or believe what I say?

My only hope here is that I haven't gone too far. That there's some way, some action I can take that will repair all of the damage I've done.

I want to grow up.

I want to be a man.

I want to be a father. Hell, I've love to be a daddy.

I want to be a husband.

For now, I'd take being wanted.

We'll see what happens.

I'm going for counselling, and I hope I can break the habits.

Until then, I'm going to have to stop blogging, and in doing so, I hope to remove some of the temptation I have for exaggeration, flirting, and what not.

I apologize to you, my reader(s) if this upsets you, but I need to get my life straight.

I hope you can understand, and I wish you all the best.

Your Career: The Roadmap to LOSERVILLE

2010-01-05T14:32:00.000-08:00

So you've made the biggest mistake a studeny can make.
You've left the comfort of the college campus to make something of yourself in the real world. For reasons only you can explain you have given up binge drinking, casual interdormitory romantic contact, and the credit card your mom and dad secured for you (with a deposit of a thousand dollare and to use "only in an emergency," which you interpreted as "only when you are out of money for pizza") to go off and make your mark.
Well, here is my advice....
Good heavens! Go back! Don't ever, ever, ever leave the cushy life of the undergraduate world. The real world is a hellhole! There are bills to pay! These bills must be paid (with the exception of a few aboriginal cultures) with money! You, graduate, must somehow earn that money! For the love of all that is holy, stay in school forever!
You didn't take that last paragraph seriously, did you? Sigh... Don't say we didn't warn you.
You have to go get a job, my friend! Allow us to offer you some words of advice.
First of all, you'll want to find a job in your chosen field. That could be one of a million possible fields of stufy offered by today's modern colleges, so let's look at just a few of these myriad pathways of matriculation. This is an unscientific survey of college majors, based on the geeks and pinheads with whom we associate.

IF YOU MAJORED IN ACCOUNTING:

Congratulations! You chose a field in which people actually find work!
Chances are you don't need my advice in finding a job. Therefore let me give you one small piece of post-employment advice: Never, ever, speak about your accounting job to anyone with whom you desire physical contact.
Just trust me on this one.
The advice for accounting goes for anything you may have majored in that required you to enter any building on campus where a business couse was offered.
So let us move on to the bachelor's degrees that guarantee a fruitless employment search.
Let's talk about what I majored in....

THEATRE ARTS:

Every college has a theatre department. No one knows why, really. It just seems that when the plans are drawn up for a college campus the architects and planners slip a performing arts building into the blueprints, and mysteriously, no one complains.
Well, now you've gone and done it! You went and studied acting in college. Shame on you! What did you parents ever do to you to deserve this?
For the newly graduated actor or actress here is some brief employment advice.
Simply stated, the hardest part of being an actor is learning the daily specials. It is also good to remember that you always serve from the left, and that the coffee cup should never be less than 50 precent full if you want a good tip.
"But I'm a trained actor!" you may whine.
Yup. You are. And that's why you're working at a restaurant. I mean, think about it... They made you learn lines in the theatre department. Why? So you'd have no problem remembering the daily specials after graduation.
Oh, by the way, Theatre Major, you're in trouble when it comes to figuring out how to add up the checks - they didn't teach you any of that in voice and movement class.
I guess maybe you should have majored in accounting if you wanted to work as a waiter.
Let's move on.
Maybe you attended college on an athletic scholarship, which most likely means this book is being read aloud to you by someone else.
If you're a jock, then you majored in.....

PHYSICAL EDUCATION:

Don't tell me, Scholar Athlete; here's what made you pick this prestigious course of study:
In between reps on one of the shiny machines in the gym, this thought entered your mind: "Maybe I should have a backup plan."
It occurred to you that if somehow you didn't vault from collegiate sports stardom directly into the NBA, WNBA, WNFL, WWF, WWWWF, NHL, WNHL, or the CIA, you would need something to fall back on.
You figured you could always work as a gym teacher.
Well, take a lap. You were wrong.
Sure, there are about twenty-seven million grade schools, high schools, middle schools, and culinary schools out there, and they certainly do have gym teachers at all of those schools. But think about it. Remember the person who taught gym at your high school? What did he weigh, about 371 pounds? How old was he? About ninety-six?
Of course he was. That is because gym teachers never die.
Why? Because they never exercise; they just watch other people exercise.
That explains the fat pretty well when you think about it. Gym teachers never die, and they are always balloons. It's a fact.
For instance.... The man who taught me how to do jumping jacks in my youth also taught Teddy Roosevelt how to do them. My gym teacher (like the gym teacher of every person reading this) is alive and well and taunting some terrified skinny kid.
Currently, that terrified kid is stuck halfway up a rope.
So Phys Ed Major, where do you go from here, you might ask?
It comes down to one of two quite noble professions really: furniture delivery or bouncer at a sports bar.
Yep. You'd better be ready to either wrestle drunken phys ed majors out of a tavern or heave a refrigerator up three flights of stairs. That's your REAL backup plan, Muscle Boy.

POLITICAL SCIENCE:

Founding Fathers intended when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, or the Constitution, or the Magna Carta, or whatever scraggy brown paper (where the letter "S" really looks a lot like the letter "F") we are basing our government upon these days.
Anyway, whatever "political science" is, you went ahead and studied it. Now you want a job in politics, I suppose. Even though I'm not inclined to help anyone head off into that direction, I believe I can in fact help.
Want to be in politics? That's easy! Walk out into the street, ask the first person you see what they want, then promise to give it to them.
Congratulation. You are now in politics.
Don't worry about actually following through on what you told the stranger you would get her or him. That's not the point of politics. The point is to get elected by any means necessary. So tell people exactly what they want to hear, no matter how stupid it is.
Here are a few easy things to say to the boneheads who live in this country that are guaranteed to get them to punch the card (hopefully all the way through...) next to your name. All of these suggestions, are more or less, actual political ideas recently used by successful politicians. So, look directly into people's eyes and:
Tell then you will cut taxes but spend more.
Tell them you will spend less and get even more.
Tell them you will put a chicken in every pot.
Tell then you'll stash some pot in every chicken.
Tell them you intend to build a bridge into the Twenty-First Century.
Tell them there will be no toll on that bridge.
Tell them you'll give them 1,000 Points of Light, or better yet....
Tell then you'll pour them 1,000 Pints of Bud Light.
Tell them you will speak softly and carry a big stick, then...
Show them your big stick.
Tell them you'll invade some country where the army rides around on llamas.
People here love stuff like that.
Finally, just one word of warning: Don't have sex in your office.
Apparently, people here don't like stuff like that.

NUCLEAR PHYSICS:

Personally, I find it hard to believe that anyone capable of understanding the nuances and intense calculus that are the bread and butter precepts of nuclear science will be reading this. But if you did, let me just say....
Good for you, Poindexter!
You will never lack for employment. The world needs nuclear physicists for the simple reason that the entire economy of the planet is based on the military-industrial complex. Stated simply, that means we need plenty of nuclear weapons all over the globe, and we need those weapons to be pointed at each other all of the time.
Otherwise, well... a lot of guys with really cool uniforms will be out of work.
And the people who write and report what those bomb-wielding guys in cool uniforms are doing will be out of work. And the people who construct the bombs that the bomb-wielding guys in cool uniforms point at each other will be out of work. And the people who wash up, store, and shine the bombs for the bomb-wielding guys in cool uniforms will be out of work.
In short, we will all be out of work if we ever get rid of all the nuclear bombs.
And if you as a socially consious nuclear physicist cannot morally or ethically work for the military-industrial complex, don't worry. There is still plenty of work for you!
In the safe, sane, and well-regulated world of nuclear power.
There really is only one other course of study that bears mentioning in this when it comes to entry-level employment tip, and that is:

COMPUTER SCIENCE:

Chances are, if you majored in computer science, you didn't pay to read this. Oh, you're reading this all right; you just didn't PAY for it.
You downloaded it off of the Internet - for free. You didn't pay a cent for this. But you are reading it nonetheless.
And now you want my advice.
Well, take a hike, Nerd. I don't give out advice for free.

BE A RENAISSANCE MAN:

How many times have you heard someone you admired referred to as a "Renaissance Man?" What does this really mean? Well, first and foremost, you should remember that the Renaissance occurred back in the years between 1350 and 1700, so apparently being a Renaissance Man involves having no electricity.
Here's a quick guide to being the next Leonardo da Vinci.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Throw your raw sewage out of the second-floor window.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Walk the streets of your town in tights and a codpiece.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Clean your teeth with a pointed stick.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Accuse your neighbors of witchcraft.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Annoy your parents by pursuing a career as a lute player.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Set off to discover the New World in a leaky wooden ship.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Conduct all correspondence via carrier pigeon.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Deny the existence of your electric bill.
Be a Renaissance Man:
Rob a grave and dissect the body.

Fun, Frolic and the Age of Terrorism.

2009-12-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm going to quote an excerpt that I read recently from a very funny comedian's book he published.

So without further ado, Tim Joyce's words from his book: Seize the Day Job.

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Man, did old FDR ever have balls. Think about it. He said we should embrace fearlessness and utilize the positive energy within us even as Hitler was preparing to do his little tap-dance through Europe. He told America to buck up and be brave - even while millions of Dust Bowl refugees were riding ramshackle jalopies across the desert - only to be beaten up by anti-union goons when they arrived in the New Jerusalem of California.

He said we should not be afraid, even though he himself lived in a wheelchair with no use whateover of his own legs. That is right buckaroos, the Franklinator was fearless even though he was a paraplegic, and remember: that wasWAY before the USA had anything resembling a ramp into a restaurant or a department store. When faced with the instinctive survival choice of Fight or Flight our first and only handicapped Commander in Chief only had one option really, so the bastard courageously went ahead and fought hard enough to end the Depression and win WWII.

He wasn't even afraid to look at Eleanor naked.

"Nothing to fear but fear itself." Wow.

Thank God George W. Bush came along to remind us daily that Franklin was off his wheelchair. Thank our good Christian God we live in times when conservative politicians and talk show hosts can jam up the AM radio dial with color-coded calls to look up at the sky and wailingly declare it falling.

We are so lucky to live in an age when our leaders have the kindness and decency to scare us with threats of Armageddon every hour on the hour. Just remember this America: if you aren't scared, if you aren't willing to give up all of your constitutional right up keep Freedon alive, well, you're just letting the terrorists know they won.

Forget national health care, forget civil rights, forget education, forget freedom of speech or religion. As righteous family-value espousing patriotic citizens the only thing we have left to do is live in constant pants-soiling paranoia. We now must be happy to be America: land of the free and home of 280 million chickenshits.

Never forget, and in fact never think about anything else at all but this following fact: We live in a post 9-11 world.

It is also worthwhile to be aware that if you have recently consumes a Slurpee you are living in a post 7-11 world as well!

Be afraid. Be very very very veru very very afraid. Afraid you aren't afraid enough? Well, here are some things to help you reach the zenith of whimpering simpering cringing horror that is the hallmark of surviving in this modern world.

Look all around you. Go ahead, set this book down and look around. Think you are safe? Well, think again you Commie! Death lurks around you like an unventilated flatus.

See your television? It could be a bomb.

See your end table? It might be composed completely of compressed anthrax spores cunningly constructed to look like teakwood.

See the so-called "loving family" that shares your domicile? That's right, you un-American fearless liveral swiftboat riding puke, each and every person you know and love is most assuredly a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer. So go ahead, cover your ears and scream all you want, no one will hear you.

Why? Because they are staring at their own end-table and screaming even louder than you!

The entire world hates us, and it is not in any way our fault that they do. So don't ask. Want to know why they hate us? Simple. They hate Freedom. And Freedom is us, capisce? Try to look any deeper than that and you aren't supporting the troops, you traitor.

That's why we need unlimited wiretapping by the FBI, CIA, PTA, and DAR of all American homes. We also need unlimited access to weapons for all our nation's citizens so we can defend ourselved against sudden unprovoked attacks from, well, ourselves. We need to decriminalize torture or we will never be safe from the terror within our own minds. It is as simple as that.

And if you say it isn't, well, then you hate America.

You are either with us, or against us, and since we aren't thinking anything through anymore at all as a nation then you'd better just clam up and get uninformed pronto, pal. And the basis of remaining patriotically dumb and uninformed is what? You guessed it!! Fear!!!

Fear is a good thing, a great thing, everything, the only thing.

And don't forget, dear reader, fear is good for the economy as well. in order for the United States to thrive economically we must be scared shitless 24 hours a day.

Think that makes no sense? Turn on your TV. Seriously, go turn on your TV. I'll wait.

Did it explode? Well, okay then, maybe you dodged that bullet and your set wasn't a bomb planted in your living room by Bin Laden himself. But now that it is on, watch the commercials for a while. Think fear isn't important to the economy? Everything they sell on your television is sold through fear. They even sell you on being afreaid of the opposite of your fears.

Psychiatry itself tells us that only the scared survive. Remember that cigar that Freud said sometimes is "just a cigar?" Well what he didn't tell you was this: whether that cigar is just a cigar, or in fact your penis in metaphorical somnambulant disguise, it is nevertheless most definitely an exploding cigar with a deadly hundred megaton charge. Even in our dreams we must be vigilant against the enemies of Freedom, whoever the fuck they are.

So the reader may ask, "How can I maintain my personal terror level at a constant patriotic rate?" Well, as always, the best answers to any life dilemma lie once again in your television. look at those ads my friend!!! Madison Avenue always knows best, and here is the fear they are waiting up sell you for your own good.

You had better be afraid of:
- Being fat/Being hungry
- Losing your erection/Being small even when you are erect
- Smelling bad/Not smelling at all
- Drinking the wrong beer/Drinking the right beer responsibly
- Getting skin cancer/Being too pale
- Crashing your car/Paying too much for auto insurance.

Most of you should be afraid that you're watching the wrong television!

By the year 2018, 90% of the United States economy will be tied up in the use, production, and distribution of antidepressants and antianxiety medications. Being scared is good for business, and what is good for business is good for America.

So embrace that fear. Courage is for the smart and we here in the USA are clueless and ready to die for cluelessness. Every decent American should have a cable hookup placed in their skull piping Fox News directly into their medulla oblongata. Once you have that simple operation you will be ready for some good old-fashioned American cringing my friend!!!

Go ahead, lock yourself in that broom closet. Surround yourself with pillows, gunpowder and bottled water. Shoot to kill at anything that moves and even some things that don't. Stay awake for the rest of your life so you don't die in your sleep.

Quietly do whatever Rush Limbaugh tells you to do. Turn your neighbor in to homeland Security if he looks too swarthy. Sell your kids to the army where they will be safe.

When you aren't oncontrollably weeping with anxiety be sure you sing the "Star Spangled Banner" until you pass out in flag-waving ecstasy.

These are scary times, and only and educated East Coast left wing fool feels optimistic.

Even God Himself wants you to be scared, otherwise why would he always refer to righteous as "God-fearing"? Case in point: As a Catholic schoolbot I was told that you should never call the holiday "Xmas" because it takes the "Christ" out of "Christmas." Well. It is also important to keep in mind that without your terror, terrorism is only an "ism."

Makes you think, don't it?

"Nothing to fear but fear itself'" my ass.

Remember, these days we have nothing to fear but everything.

Well, that, and a shortage of Xanax.

Honesty

2009-12-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the longer folks are together, the harder it seems to be for them to be open and honest to each other?

There are so many small, unspoken hurts, fears, and concerns that we tend to gloss over because we feel they're really not important at the moment to address. However, these small things tend to add up quickly, and fester. Eventually it all jumbles together, and if not treated, becomes nearly lethal.

My marriage is like this now. There have been hurts. There have been problems. There have been concerns. There have been fears.

However, none of this is ever addressed until it becomes a MAJOR issue. Then, it pops, and becomes this ugly, open sore.

By the time this happens, the only thing left to do is to try to heal it, but it leaves a vicious, pock-marked scar.

So now I'm trying to deal with a bleeding open wound, but this time I'm not sure that I've got what it takes to heal it. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try.

The question now is if my other half is still willing, or if she wants to just let it bleed out, and give up.

I'm hoping she's a fighter, but lately, I really don't know.

It occurs to me that even after seven years of being with this woman, there are many things about her that I've never even known. There are habits and issues of hers that she's never even confided in me about herself.

I'm a seriously flawed person. I admit this. I play games too much. I like being on the computer. I don't really know how to be a "family" guy. I'm really not much of a father figure. Hell, at this point I'm questioning how much of a human being I really am.

The point here is that I'm willing to try to change. Hell, I HAVE changed. I'm much more of a better person than I was before I met my wife. I have her to thank for that. I know it, and I freely admit it.

Yet it seems that this person that I love, cherish, and truly want to spend the rest of my life with is the one person that I consistently hurt over, and over, and over again.

I don't intend it. I don't want to do it. However because of my flaws and character, it's going to happen whether I want it to or not. I really don't know if she can take much more, and to be honest, I don't know if I can really blame her.

But there's another part of me that really wishes she could see past the flaws. If she could look past the idiotic mistakes and stupid choices. That there could possibly be some form of patience and be willing to love me for who I am now.

However, that's wishful thinking at this point, I guess.

Now? All I've really got is the hope that somehow she'll know, and stick with me through the bad times.

I mean, that's part of the marriage vows, right?

Richer, poorer, better or Worse?

Well, in my opinion, it can't get much worse right now.

Nobody ever claimed that marriage was easy. If they did, they LIED. It's work. It's dedication. It's a commitment over everything else you ever hoped or planned to do. It's giving 300%, and not expecting anything in return, but hoping that the other side's giving 300% as well.

Unconditional love.

Yeah. I guess that's what I'm hoping for.

Love without any judgement. Love without rules, or regulations, or stipulations.

Heck, at this point I'd just settle for love, I think.

The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round...

2009-12-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

I'm caught in a vicious circle at work..

I've been informed by The Powers That Be that I need to define and reinforce the strict guidelines set down by corporate for it's computer and internet users.

So, these last two weeks I've been cracking down. Uninstalling browsers that aren't company approved, removing such items as Mozilla Firefox, and other download utilities, since no downloading of ANY sort has been approved, etc.

Enter in Manager Bitch from Hell.

She's now gone and faced off with me. Last week, we had a "discussion" where she informed me that since I'm still considered an associate, and she's management, I'm required to follow her directions, and do as I'm told. I pointed out the email from corporate, and informed her that I was following my directions, but that didn't faze this woman.

She proceeded to take her argument to our HR (human resources) manager. The HR manager called me into her office, and kindly informed me that she was going to overlook this problem, but that the manager in question is correct, and my refusal to comply with her wishes bordered on insubordination, which is a terminable offense.

She then offered me this "compromise":

I do what I'm told to, and she'll ignore the insubordination, and we can all get back to our jobs!

Sounds great, right?

Yeah. Right up until my corporate lead inspected some accounts, and found that there were still violations of our company policy regarding computer use.

He then proceeded to write me a nice, NASTY email, and copied my HR director in the missive.

It basically explained that I needed to enforce company policy, and failure to do so would be met with SEVERE consequences.

After our "discussion", I was sure that my HR manager would explain things to my corporate lead, but that's where I was completely and totally WRONG.

I got tossed under the proverbial moving bus, y'all.

Her response was as follows:

"Jormengrund has been given ample opportunity to take care of and resolve any internet and computer usage problems. Given the fact that many still exist proves to me to be a blatant disregard for his position and job duties. I suggest that immediate disciplinary action be taken in order to bring this problem to a close."

Yeah. After her pretty speech about doing what I'm told, I get the un-greased SHAFT from yet someone else I'd considered dense, but at least honest.

So I proceeded to document and present all emails and correspondence that I'd had from both of the argumentative parties regarding this dilemma. My corporate lead was surprised to find that I'd been told to go against the grain regarding their directions, but wasn't surprised at all about the shady dealings from my HR manager.

I assured my lead that I was willing to enforce the rules, but it might cost me my job. He told me to wait a while, and he was going to see about "levelling the playing field" some.

I'm wondering what kind of hornet's nest I'm stepping into now, but to be honest, I really LOVE my job, and don't want to lose it despite the morons that I get to deal with on a daily basis.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

2009-12-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

Today's my daughter's birthday.

Yup. 10 years ago today she was born, and ever since I've been seriously considering where I'm going to be needing to hide the shotgun once she turns into the beautiful young lady that I've feared she would become.

Well, it's getting closer, and my hair's REALLY starting to turn gray.

I just can't look forward that much to it, though. I'm not going to mind our "family" party we're going to have for her this weekend, but tonight's her party where she's invited friends over to celebrate with her.

For some reason, the mere thought of 18 screaming, cheering and ADHD 10-year old kids running all over my house just doesn't inspire me.

But of course I'll be happy for her, and act excited and surprised over each and every single thing that she gets or does.

Why?

Because that's what a daddy is supposed to do.

And we all know that daddy's girls are the best ones, don't we??

See you all next week.. If I survive the screaming teenie invasion that's going to hit my house tonight, that is!

Ok, gotta talk about this crap!

2009-12-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

Uh, I was watching the news this morning, and found myself seriously asking this question:

"Why is Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize?"

I mean, sure, he's the first African-American President for our nation. Yes, he's actually done SOME change with our economy.

However, I fail to see how those two things qualify him for the prize.

Teddy Roosevelt earned it because of his actions in ending the Russo-Japanese war.

Woodrow Wilson earned it for starting the League of Nations.

Jimmy Carter has earned his for trying to continually promote world peace. I mean, even after being in the Presidency, he's still working for a global community!

And now we've got Barack Obama.

What is the reasoning?

"His effort to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples"

Um, excuse me?

Isn't that the job description of EACH and EVERY president we've elected?

Ronald Reagan had to deal with the Soviets.

Hell, Kennedy had to deal with Castro, Vietnam, and the Cold War.

FDR had World War II to deal with. Same with Eisenhower.

Yet none of these men even got an honorable mention for their efforts.

So again, I have to ask what exactly has Obama done?

He's moved troops around in Iraq and Afghanistan.

He's trying to bring our nation back from the brink of bankruptcy (yet again!).

However, he hasn't really formally been able to conclude ANY of these actions.

There's still military actions being taken in Iraq and Afghanistan.

We're still in the middle of an "economic crisis" here in the states.

In fact, funding is getting so poor that we're having to cut costs by decreasing the time we spend teaching our children.

So as long as we can't teach our kids how to better themselves, and then can't afford to pay for them to make it to college, send them off to wars that have been brewing and going on EVEN WITHOUT OUR INVOLVEMENT, then get elected, we should consider ourselves prime candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize?

I can deal with that.

I'm running for office next year.

Write me in, and I'll be sure to keep y'all in my mind while I walk in the footsteps of giants, and take all of the credit for it!

Job Security!!

2009-12-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I know that as long as I'm able to deal with ID-10-Ts, I'll have a job here.

I mean, you can take this morning's conference call as a prime example:

Me: Hey. I was just curious. I've been working on that new laptop you sent me, and I can't get it formatted. Did you set up the hardware so that I can get this formatted and distibuted?

Tech: Of course! I got it all done last night. Should be right here.. No, it's not there.. Maybe I saved it here? Nope. Wait.. There it is! You can't access it there?

Me: Um, no. The formatting is automatic, and I can't change where it points the laptop to when it starts to format. You're going to need to move those files to the correct area so that I can get this laptop out of my office, and out to the warehouse floor.

Tech: Sure.. Give me about an hour to copy all the files down and move them.

Me: An hour? You can't click and drag them?

Tech: You can do that with these files?

Me: Nevermind. I'll get it done. Thanks.

You never know when I might start decorating the interior of my office door with divots from beating my head against it...

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

You know, it's that time of year when we count our blessings, find the good in our fellow man, and really make the season bright and happy.

Well, unless you're busy getting rid of the problem.

Let me make myself clear.

During the holidays, things tend to either REALLY be good, or REALLY be crap.

For example:

My best friend was fired from his job THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. Happy holidays, you're fired, go try to find work someplace else in this shitty economy.

A friend of the family is going through a divorce. Happy holidays! Here's to weekly visitation, shitty attitude, and finding out just how much more of a jerk your soon-to-be ex-husband really can be!

Another friend of the family was dumped by her lover. Happy holidays, hit the road, I've got someone new who's closer to my age, and isn't going to prove to be a problem when I want to go out and party.

Now, I get to follow suit.

Happy holidays. You've changed. You're MUCH better than where you were when we met. HOWEVER, because I can't forgive or forget the past, you're doomed to repeat your mistakes, and for that I just can't deal with you anymore.

Hope you find someone else, and have a better life. Why? Because I'm not going to try anymore.

Excuse me?

From what I recall, marriage is NEVER an easy road. All of the "successful" married folks I've talked to have said that it's a long, painful and difficult 24-7-365 JOB. You've got to WORK at it. It doesn't just happen, and "poof!" everything you ever want or needed drops into your lap with a nice bow around it.

It takes dedication. It takes time. It takes WORK and COMMITMENT.

Sure. There are times when the problems are going to fall thick and heavy, and you feel that you can't gain a breath while treading water. That you're going under, and there's no life preserver around to grasp onto.

THAT'S LIFE.

But even then, you've got to be willing to fight for what you want. You've got to be willing to drop it all, and focus on that ONE THING that you want more than anything else.

In my case, I'm willing to drop everything, including y'all, if it means I'd be able to have this marriage back.

I want my wife. I want my kids. I want a happy home.

The question is:

What does she want?

I mean, it's great that I want it and all, but marriage isn't just a one-way street.

I could give, and give, and give until I have nothing left. But if she doesn't assist, it still falls well short, doesn't it?

So here's my Christmas Wish:

Give me back my family. Let me have my home. Give me back my loving wife.

That's all I want for Christmas.

Please.. If you're out there, can you help me make this come true?

I hope so.

'Tis the season

2009-12-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

To spend as much as you can humanly accumulate on gift for folks you know, but probably won't reciprocate, and then spend the rest of the next year paying it all off so you can repeat it all over again.

Isn't Christmas wonderful?

Let's put things into perspective here:

You go out, buy a couple of things for the kids. Then, you check to make sure that the gifts are going to be percieved by the kids as being of equal value. If not, then you struggle to figure out how to balance the scales. Maybe a knit sweater for the kid with the semi-laptop that-only-does-math-problems-but-looks-cool toy will lose some ground, and the kid with the Legos(tm) won't feel too snubbed.

Yeah. Kids and clothes. There's another Christmas gift BOMB.

Kids look for the toys and games. They will blow right past any and all clothes to fawn and drool over the newest toy that they've gotten, even if it's something they've never asked for before.

Why?

Because it's a TOY.

Just like they'll pretty much ignore any and all clothing. It's like asking them to read the card that comes with the gift. In their mind, the gift says it all, not the sappy words and sayings on the card.

Big present that was high up on their wish list? LOVE.

Socks and underwear (that they need!)? You're getting ready to deport them to some third world country.

How about family?

Yeah, we buy for my folks, her folks, her sister, and my brother.

However, I can't recall the last time her sister or my brother ever returned the favor.

But we still get them gifts, because we're the eternal (sucker) optimist.

That, and it keeps them quiet for another year!

Anyway, happy holidays. I'm sure that I'll rant and complain more as the time gets closer.

Enjoy!

BLACK FRIDAY

2009-11-27T05:09:00.000-08:00

Can anyone guess why this day is so named?

Why is it that this one day not only gives business owners shivers of fear mingled with shivers of anticipation?

What's so special about THIS Friday compared with all of the rest?

I've got the info, and I'll share.

Let's see..

First off, for most businesses, Black Friday means that they'll do anywhere from 10-25% of their total sales FOR THE YEAR on this ONE day.

Yup. Nearly a full quarter of their sales will be done on this day.

But I don't think that's the reason it got the name.

I personally feel that it got the name because of something more sinister.

Let's explore this, shall we?

First off, it comes in the middle of a holiday series that is supposed to be full of thanks, love, cheer, family, and basically Peace on Earth.

However, it generates ANYTHING but those feelings.

I mean, we've all heard the horror stories about grown people fighting over the last toy on the shelf at a store. We've heard about the looting that's gone on at a store that didn't quite open at the time it advertised.

If anything, Black Friday represents everything that ISN'T about the holiday spirit.

It's for the selfish, the obsessive, the rude, and material.

I often wonder how much better we'd be if we were to FORCE businesses to stay closed for an extended weekend, instead of opening their doors for mass mayhem the day after we are supposed to be giving thanks for everything that we hold dear.

To put the icing on the cake, I've found that some stores are now fostering an even new depth to the buying frenzy depravity:

They're opening on Thanksgiving, and staying open all night. That way, when the magical hour approaches the next day, you can already have your cart(s) loaded, and ready to check out.

Yup.

You read it right.

So, not only do we cut our day of giving thanks short, but we're now staying open so that folks can jostle, argue, and basically fight for their buying deals well in advance!

Is this a great country or what?

I'm going to try to see if I can't open myself up a gun store. I'm going to put everything on sale, and stay open the entire week of Thanksgiving. If the amount of shooting crimes increases because of my sales, well, I'm just the clerk. I don't tell the folks what to do with their guns once they leave my store, now do I?

But it might cull the selfish crowd down a bit.

You've always got to look for the silver lining!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

Personally, I'm going to try to survive this day, and look back and wonder what else we can do to shorten Thanksgiving next year.

Happy Holidays!!

sniffle

2009-11-24T09:15:00.000-08:00

Ugh.

I'm sick.

Not just mentally.. That's normal, and I can deal with that.

Nope. I'm sick. Head hurts, I'm running a really low-grade temp, stomach feels like it's in knots, and I just don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball, and sleep.

However, I dragged my happy ass out of bed, got dressed, and came to work.

Because isn't that what responsible people do?

You know what?

Fuck responsibility.

If I can't take care of myself, and be healthy while working, I'm going to eventually burn myself out. If I'm burnt out, how exactly am I going to work? If I can't work, how can I provide for my family?

Yeah.

But I'll stick out today. I mean, I'm already here, it's not like I've got a choice.

However, if I start puking, you can bet your ass I'm going to be back in my car and headed home.

Wish me luck.. I'm gonna need it.

Things that tend to tickle my funny bone:

2009-11-20T11:33:00.000-08:00

You know, I guess being in my kind of work has really jaded me and my sense of humor.

Anymore, I get more chuckles from Failblog, or YouTube stunts with idiots who DON'T get away with the stupidness of their actions than from a decent joke.

Yet, I'm still strangely attracted to slaptick comedy as well.

Who's Line is it Anyway? Is a GREAT show, and I really REALLY wish there were more episodes of that one to watch.

Monty Python is another that I can't get away from. Classic comedy, in-your-face humor, and farcical situations all make for superb comedy.

Then there's the perverse side of me that enjoys watching roasts, and how many folks can find humor in belittling someone because of a major point of achievement in their life.

Still, I have begun wondering about comedy.

I mean, some of the funniest comics tend to poke fun not only at themselves, but at others. Ethnic groups, income levels, breeding, religions, gender.. Nothing's sacred there.

Now, I can deal with a comic making fun of themselves. After all, it's THEM. They can choose what they want to belittle and put down about themselves.

What I've got a problem with are the ones who have to point out the flaws and faults of others to get laughs. Who really finds these funny?

I mean, if I thought that was humor, I'd be bursting out laughing each time one of my kids got into an argument with the other over something, and started calling each other names, pointing out their bad habits, and their grooming standards or their ability to dress themselves.

Yet, people will actually pay serious money just to go see something EXACTLY like this.

Next time you're tempted? Give me a call.

I'll charge you extra to come over and listen to my kids chew each other out.

Heck, I might even offer you something to drink. If you're willing to pay for that, too!

Enjoy your weekend, and while you're at it, enjoy this little ditty I found on YouTube:

ARRRGH!

2009-11-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

I'm livid.

Pissed off.

Heated.

Add any adjective for angry as all hell here.

Why? You might ask?

Because I've got some lazy-assed managers who think that when my manager goes on vacation, they can come out of the woodwork, and use and abuse me to take care of their petty problems.

Case in point:

We've got some managers who have to drift from one desk to another during the week. Because of this, I have a special program I have to give each "travelling" manager so that they can have access to their email. However, this program doesn't give them access to the network site we have for some automatically generated reports and such that managers need for their End of Day reports.

Well, I've got a manager who is now telling me (once my manager left for vacation) that she needs me to install access for one of my "travelling" managers for emails at her location.

Why?

Because she doesn't like that she has to take an extra 10 minutes out of her day to print out the End of Day reports, when she could pawn it off on the "travelling" manager, and give her some extra time to BS and sip tea with other management staff.

Seriously?

And here I thought _I_ was the lazy buttwipe.

Not only that, but once I called her on it, she proceeded to try to rub it in my face that _She's_ the one with the authority, and _I'm_ just the peon to do exactly what she tells me to do.

Um, if there's anything that gets my anger up faster, it's someone telling me how to do my job when they know that I'll get my butt handed to me when it comes out that I've bent or broken a company rule.

This is one of those times.

So I did what any sneaky under-handed vengeful bastard in my position would do.

I copied all of the nasty emails, and forwarded them to my corporate advisors.

These are the folks who set policy for our company, and are the ones who informed me of how I was supposed to handle this situation a couple of months back, before my manager went on vacation. In it, they gave me specific instructions, and then told me to NOT deviate from this plan.

So, since the goddess decided to dictate her terms to me, I forwarded them on to others who would be interested in her actions.

I'm not sure what the end result is going to be, but I know for a fact that CYA is going to apply to me for a couple of years at least..

Or maybe only as long as this queen "b" manager lasts..

Time will tell.

Now, I'l going to head over and make some noise like I'm getting stuff done, but really just blow smoke up her butt until I get an answer from my advisors.

You all have a good day.

If you see a news entry about an IT guy who went postal on some management in the workplace.. That'll be me!

Who do you turn to??

2009-11-17T08:26:00.000-08:00

This last weekend, I dealt with something that I really don't like having to witness, let alone take care of.

My sister-in-law is going through a divorce, and it's getting ugly.

Add to that her need to find a new guy in her life, and things get even more screwed up.

Then you mix in some alcohol, and it just becomes madness on wheels.

She's been through more boyfriends in the last year than I can honestly keep track of.

Plus, aside from the guys she's seeing, there are the boy-toys that she's juggling on the side, and you never know when the mood is going to strike for her to dump the one she's been "devoted" to for a while, and pick something new.

Kind of like girls, clothes, and shoes.

So, this week her boyfriend flew into town all the way from Chicago.

He's a nice guy. I acutally like him. He's a comedian, and he and a couple other comedian buddies were going to do a comedy show at a local restaurant this weekend. We planned on having dinner, then watching the show, then sticking around for some dancing (a DJ was going to be on after the comedy troupe), then head home and crash.

The dinner was great. Good food, funny folks, camaraderie.

The comedy show was priceless. The guys were all funny, and the crowd was HUGE. Very good time.

The time after the show? Not so great.

Sis-in-Law drinks. And when she drinks, she gets stupid drunk. Not just a little drunk, STUPID drunk.

That happened this weekend.

She got plastered. Then she proceeded to make a total scene with various others present, including her boyfriend. I honestly felt really sorry for the guy.

She was dancing and grinding with anyone and everyone on the dance floor. Girls, guys, it didn't matter. However, if her boyfriend would've done that, she'd have yelled her butt off at his actions. Heck, she did at one point, because he said hello to a girl he hadn't seen in 20 years.

Now, granted, this girl had also asked him over for dinner, and didn't want the SIL to come with.. But that's another story!

Anyway, things were getting out of hand, and were still proceeding downhill quickly.

As I talked with the boyfriend, he actually confided in me that the way my SIL was acting reminded him of his most recent ex, and the way she used to act. It was REALLY giving him bad vibes, and we wondered what kind of mistake he'd made.

That cut it for me.

Now, I normally could care less about what my SIL does with herself. She's a grown adult, and she has to deal with the consequences of her actions.

However, when those said actions start to hurt others, they need to be stopped.

So, I had my wife try to corral her sister, and I got everyone moved out of the club, and into cars.

SIL then proceeded to be drunk, and call around demanding to know why everyone was trying to kill her fun. She then demanded to go out and eat. (like I was going to deal with her drunk butt in a public restaurant!), and demanded that we take her to her boyfriend's hotel room.

I declined to do all of these things. I did drop by a drive through, and get her some food. However, I didn't let her out of the car, I took her straight home, and then I left her to her own devices.

I'm not one who will deal with sloppy drunk folks. I don't have the patience for it, and I really don't have the temperment to be condescending and responsive to someone who thinks that it's funny or cute.

Because of this, I'm sure that I was a complete and arrogant asshole to her the rest of that night.

I'm not going to apologize.

I honestly feel that she needs help.

She needs counselling for her emotional state at her divorce, and the things that happened to her in the events prior to and leading up to her separation from her ex.

She needs help with her alcohol.

There has never been more booze in my home than since she moved in with us. There's been booze before, but my wife and I don't really drink much, and when we do, it's usually my wife that gets tipsy, not me. Yes, I'm a prude and a party-killer, deal with it.

I also think she needs to come to terms with herself and her self-worth before she really starts looking for another relationship, but again, she's a grown adult.

I can say all of these things, but it doesn't change the fact that it's HER. HER choice. HER actions. HER decision. HER life.

Yes, it really kind of kills me to see how badly she's tearing apart what she has. But until she's hit bottom, and really has no place else left to go, I don't think it's really going to change.

It's sad, but unfortunately that doesn't make it any less true.

I just hope I don't have to see it, and that maybe she'll wake up and realize that she needs some help, and that she needs to seriously change.

We'll see.

Yet more ranting and raving...

2009-11-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm on the bitch and moan express today. If you don't wanna listen, you can jump ship, and I won't really feel that badly.

Traffic has gotten worse this past month. This nifty stuff called "rain" has started falling, and folks living around this area seem to have forgotten what it looks like, and how to drive in it. Because of this, there have been TONS of accidents, and that in turn slows EVERYTHING down traffic-wise.

Not that I really mind, since the slowdown in traffic gets posted on the internet website that my boss watches, so that if I'm late getting to work, I've got the perfect excuse, and he just smiles, nods, and waves me on by.

That, and I get to listen to my CD a bit longer, and wake up a bit more before getting to work. I love music. 80's tunes, 90's rock and alternative. 60's and 70's classic rock.. It's all good!

Some of my favorite artists are:

Stone Temple Pilots, Cream, Deep Purple, Blue Oyster Cult, Metallica, Van Halen, Soundgarden, Godsmack, Judas Priest, Def Leppard, Ozzy (and Black Sabbath), Slaughter, Nine Inch Nails, Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, Incubus, Poison, U2 and Red-Hot Chili Peppers.

Just to name a few.

I actually made a few MP3 disks with a compilation of various songs, and wound up with three disks. Each disk has 150 songs on it, and there are no duplicate songs on any of the disks. I'm sure I could've come up with more, but I really don't have time to listen to all of one disk, much less all three!

Eventually I hear the enture disk in about two weeks time. Then I change out to the next disk, and rock out for a while longer. By the time the third disk is done, I can rinse and repeat, since my memory's so bad that I've forgotten what songs were on the first disk to begin with!

Heck, at the rate I'm going, pretty soon I'll be able to hide my own Easter eggs, and wrap my own Christmas gifts!

Watch out Adult Foster home! I'm on the path, and just waiting for an excuse to enter one!

Veteran's Day!

2009-11-11T06:24:00.000-08:00

Ok. I don't get it.

What exactly is the deal with all of these holidays??

First off, we've got Memorial Day.

Apparently this is the day that we remember those who are dead. However, it becomes a day when we recall the great sacrifices that servicemen gave while on duty to our country.

Then you have Veteran's Day. This is a day to commemorate those who are and have served our country to keep it safe and secure.

Yet even this holiday leads folks to think about other loved ones who have passed on.

So in my mind, these two holidays seem quite interchangable. Is it just me, or does anyone else have a problem keeping these two straight?

On a more serious note, I'd like to remember a man I know who served:

My grandfather was a young (15) man when World War II broke out. Not wanting to be left out of a life-changing event, he was helped by his father to claim that we was 18, and enlisted in the war effort. After a short three weeks in Basic Training, he was then assigned a "posh" posting on one of the most powerful posts in the military at that point in time: The USS Arizona.

Little did anyone know how close to death this man would come. A few short months later, he was one of the survivors of the biggest sneak-attack that our country has ever known: Pearl Harbor.

Being a deck hand, when the attack hit, one of the first bombs hit, throwing him clear of the railing, and into the waters of the Harbor. This single action actually saved his life, and only left him with minor shrapnel injuries.

Two months after the attack, he was reassigned to the USS Missouri, and from there was able to witness the end of the conflict with Japan.

He was able to have a VERY unique position during the war. Yes, he never saw action in Europe, but he was there to witness the start and the end of the conflict with Japan. I actually find it quite amazing that someone could have the astronomical odds to be stationed on two battleships that live in such fame. The Arizona, which is now a memorial for those who were killed in the attack on Pearl Harbor, and the Missouri where the formal signatures were signed for the cease-fire agreement between the US and Japan at the end of the war.

This man was my hero, and even though he's gone now, he is still a man I'd love to be able to emulate.

I miss you grandpa, and I can't wait until the day that I'll be able to see you again, and laugh like old times.

Happy Veteran's Day to you all!

Piss and Moan

2009-11-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but there are days where I really don't look forward to poking my feet out from under the covers.

Today was one such day.

I'm not really feeling well. My sinuses are draining, which is in turn causing my stomach to turn in knots, it's also making me gag a bit. My head's a bit stuffy, and I'm just not really feeling "all there" today, if you know what I mean.

Then, to top this all off, I get to drive to work on the freeway in the rain.

Yeah, yeah. I chose to live in the Pacific Northwest, so I get to deal with the rain. Bite me.

However, there was something that happened on the way to work that really kind of brightened my day.

Have you ever had a song that really started your day out right?

I did today.

I'm an 80's kid. I grew up listening to the stuff that is now considered "classic rock".

Yup. I'm old.

But the song that came on just seemed to bring an extra added shot in the arm that I needed to get my day going right.

What song, do you ask?

St. Elmo's Fire by John Carr.

I don't know why. It just did.

Do you have songs that kick-start your day, or give you an extra jolt when you need it?

See you all later. I'm going to listen to my retro tracks some more.

The Holiday that we tend to forget..

2009-11-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

Some of you might have noticed that Thanksgiving is now starting to become a bit forgotten.

We have Halloween, force-feed kids TONS of sugar, and have great spooky decorations and haunted houses. Then immediately take down all of those decorations to put up CHRISTMAS lights, run ads for toys and gifts, and basically start playing Christmas carols.

Are we forgetting something??

Thanksgiving is what I would consider one of our more fundamental holidays to celebrate.

Thanksgiving celebrates the founding of this great nation that I live in. It describes the thanks that the early settlers felt in being able to leave an oppressive regime and practice their religion and beliefs without fear of some kind of radical persecution.

Yet now this day is basically a footnote in the grand scheme of things.

We have Halloween. Day of the dead. Spooky movies, creepy costumes, candy, wander around and scare folks.

Then we've got Christmas. Giving presents. Gifts. Candles. Snow. Lights. Icicles. Christmas Carols. Peace on Earth mentality.

Yeah. They're both POWERHOUSE celebrations.

But Thanksgiving is also just as important in my opinion.

On Thanksgiving, my family tends to get reacquainted with each other. Those who have been busy with work or school still find time to get back with the family and update us all with things that have been going on in their lives. We become thankful for the variety of blessings and chances we've been given.

To be honest, my family tends to celebrate life during Thanksgiving. To me, that's what Thanksgiving is all about. The joy of life, it's trials, tribulations, gifts and blessings.

I mean, we remember those who were with us, but no longer able to attend. We reconnect with family who might live far away. We rejoice in the new life that has joined the family; New husband or wife, maybe a new baby. Whatever the reason, there's an overwhelming sense of joy and a vitality in the gathering.

So why does this holiday tend to get overlooked?

Is it because it's so sandwiched in between some seriously commercial holidays?

Is it because we as a country have become more concerned about gaining that extra chance to push more retail out of our department stores?

I'm not really sure.

My biggest concern will come with the advent of someone starting to disregard Halloween for Christmas.

When they start skimping on the Halloween decorations to start running christmas ads, and then decorate for Christmas near the end of September when most people are gearing up for the Day of the Dead.. Then I'll really start to worry about our commercially-driven society.

Until then, I'll happily celebrate this holiday with my family.

I'll rejoice in the new lives started, the older lives lost, and the gift of life that I've been given with the people that I love and care for.

I hope you all have a great holiday season. Don't forget to be thankful for all that you've been given an opportunity to experience!

Calling all cars, calling all cars..

2009-11-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

I've lost my mind.

I mean, I had to have, right?

I come to work, I enjoy my job, and I keep coming back!

That's got to mean something's not right in Denmark, doesn't it?

Yesterday I came in VOLUNTARILY on my day off to wait for a phone call, and then email off the gist of the call.

The call? "The computer isn't done today, will probably be looked at tomorrow, and replaced on Wednesday."

You're telling me that I came in just to say that, when that's the EXACT words I used before I left work on Friday??

PUH-LEEZE.

I seriously need to re-think my situation, and re-vamp my priorities.

On another note:

Has anyone noticed that Halloween has gotten even more lame each and every year?

It used to be a BIG deal when I was younger. We had parties at school, watched cartoon Halloween flicks, had apple dunking, treats galore, and a grand old time.

Then we'd go home, put on even more costumes, grab a HUGE bag and flashlight, and wander the neighborhood streets for HOURS to eek out each and every last bit of candy that could be had.

Then we'd go home, pour out the bags, and drool and exclaim in wonder and awe of the massive amounts of sugar that were before our eyes. (You could always tell who the party-poopers were because you'd get an apple or popcorn ball in your bags of goodness!)

Now?

Not so much.

You can't have a Halloween party anymore. Call it a "Harvest Festival".

No more animated Halloween films or cartoons. Just a short play on the origins of the harvest please.

Sugar? It's bad. How about a Granola bar? Or a nice apple?

Costumes? They're getting sluttier. I mean, I saw one that was for a 6 year old, and I would be kind of worried if my wife wore it in public, much less our bedroom!

Not only that, but I heard that one of the Cyrus girls (the 9 year old one) wore a Dominatrix costume!

Excuse me?

Slutty, your party of two million is ready in Hollywood!

Then there's the Trick-or-Treating..

No longer do they go out with flashlights and excited faces.

No, now it's more of a wander around the mall, meet folks who could care less that you're there, get some candy, maybe a promotional pen or notepad, and head home and dig through the crap to try to find a piece of candy or two.

What's happened?

Yes, I realize that crime is on the rise, and this could account for the drop in nighttime wandering.

However, if we as parents were willing to wander with the younger kids, I'm sure that there'd be at least a minor change in the excitement part.

I also have to wonder at folks who can critique, but not do.

For example:

A friend of mine LOVES to decorate their house. Halloween is the time of year when they're able to go wild, and get spooky and creepy themes together, and freak out the neighborhood.

This year, he went with the lone cemetary, and had headstones and creepy fencing, fog, lights, the whole nine yards.

One group of trick or treaters came to his door, and the two moms took him to task.

"That's too scary. My kids aren't going to like that one" One said while the child in question grabbed a handful of candy from the bowl of goodies offered to him.

Then, she came up with this gem:

"You haven't done as much as you usually do. Are you sick? It's not quite as scary as you usually make it. I'm kind of disappointed."

OK..

Maybe she's just gotten away from the mental hospital or something, but I still don't get how someone can criticize you for decorating, then complain that the decorations that you've done just aren't up to your usual standards!

Let's leave out the fact that this person in question also doesn't decorate their house AT ALL.

Hipocracy, thy name is Apathy.

Maybe as I'm getting older, I'm just getting a bit more cynical about holidays, and what they're used for.

Now, I see them as a reason to meet family, impose upon them for things you normally wouldn't ask for on any other day, and then get offended if your request isn't granted.

What is this?

Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas have become the new "3 wishes" for each year??

I hope that at some point, we actually get back to involving the kids in the holidays, and quit commercializing this towards the adults.

Make this something for the kids to look forward to.

Costumes.

Parties.

Candy.

Fun.

oh.. did I mention..

FUN!

I'll talk and rant more next time.

Furious!

2009-10-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm seething.

Truly, my work has sunk to a new level of lowness.

This last week, my HR director gave out the awards to people who have been with the company for a few years.

In this company, we give out special awards for those who have been here 2 years, and then more awards at 5, 10, 15, etc..

Well, we had about 12 folks who hit the 5 year mark this year, and were all given their gifts and certificates. We applauded for them, and were happy to see that they have been such assets to the longevity of the workplace.

The next day?

My HR manager walked out TWO of the folks who recieved 5 year awards.

The reason? The lack of meeting productivity goals.

Really??

These folks have done the same job the same way for the last 5 years, and you've not seen fit to complain about it until after you acknowledge their ability to stay with the company?

I mean, you give them a small gift as a "thank you" for their spending their time and effort at your company, and then right afterwards, you kick them in the crotch, and leave them in the gutter??

I seriously hope that our HR manager gets some kind of karmic retribution for the crap that she's pulling here. I really and honestly do.

Hope you have a great week, I'm going to see about sharpening some of my letter openers for now!

You know it's the government when:

2009-10-28T10:43:00.001-07:00

I got this little tidbit of information off my desk calendar at work..

In 2002, the Department of Homeland Security asked for, and was given funding for these national monuments that they thought were likely targets for terrorist action:

The World's Largest Ball of Paint in Alexandria, Indiana ($12 million)

Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum in Alamo Heights, Texas ($10 million)

The Museum of Bad Art in Dedham, Massachusetts ($31 million)

Carhenge (Stonehenge replica made completely of junked cars) in Alliance, Nebraska ($25 million)

And finally, The Giant Lava Lamp in Soap Lake, Washington ($143 million)

I often wonder just how much it would cost to REALLY get a security company, and charge each place this much to patrol their area..

I think I'd be able to retire nice and comfortably after a couple years of doing nothing.. Don't you?

Quick blurb:

2009-10-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

How sad is it that I got a good long chuckle yesterday at this small fact:

At 3:45, my odometer read 54321..

Am I needing to see a shrink, or what??

More later.

Physician, heal thyself!

2009-10-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I've got a serious problem with doctors today.

My kids were at their mom's house this weekend. The day that we go to bring them home, it's amazing, but my oldest suddenly comes down with really nasty abdominal pains.

I don't know how she manages it, but they seem to be just fine when they stay at her place, and then come down with the worst colds, pains, and injuries just hours before coming back home....

It kind of boggles the mind, really.

But, I digress.

We took my oldest home, gave him some Aleve for his pain, and decided to see how it was going to be that following morning.

It didn't get any better.

So, he stayed home from school, we called the doctor, and made an appointment for him to be seen.

Little did I know that this single decision and action was going to basically write off the rest of my day.

His appointment was made for 11am. We got there in plenty of time, got to sit and wait for about 20 minutes, then were ushered back to an exam room. Nurse took his vitals, the works, then left. Doc came in 10 minutes later, asked about 5 questions, then sent us off to their lab to get some samples.

We walked down to the lab area, checked in, then waited another 45 minutes for a lab tech to call us back. Blood was drawn, urine was given for a sample, then we headed back down to the doctor's office to wait.

Back in the exam room, we were able to sit for another hour before the doctor came in and asked me to take my son back down for a CT scan. This was going to be done that day, in order to rule out appendicitis. The doctor told me that if it WAS appendicitis, then they'd get him into surgery that day, and take care of the problem, but they needed the CT scan to be sure.

We walked down to the imaging lab, sat for 45 minutes, then got called up to the desk. It was there that we found out that this lab doesn't DO CT scans, and that the lab they've got a contract with doesn't give them the authority to schedule same-day or STAT appointments, so we had to head back down to the doctor's office, and have them set up the appointment.

This had to have been our lucky day, since when we got back into the doctor's office, nearly everyone had gone to lunch, and there were only three receptionist-types there to answer phones.

Luckily, one of the ladies knew enough to contact the imaging lab, and found that I was going to have to take my son to the hospital instead to get his CT scan done.

I took my son to the hospital, and they assumed that we'd been fully prepped for this operation.

Let me fill you in:

For the type of CT scan my son needed, we had to have him drink a water-soluable Barium Sulfate solution, plus he was needing to push about a quart of water. Add to this that he couldn't have any solid foods for at least 4 hours before the scan, and you've got an irritable teenager on your hands.

So, no, we didn't have him prepped, the lab we'd come from had given us the wrong type of barium solution, and he'd eaten before we'd left home at around 10:30 that morning.

The technician was actually quite helpful at this point. He took the wrong solution, and threw it in the garbage. He gave us the correct solution, and then asked us to come back in two hours so that they could get the optimal picture.

I nodded, had my son drink the entire thing. (It wasn't hard. He was hungry, and since he couldn't eat anything, he was willing to drink whatever was put in front of him!)

We went home for a short time, then back down to the hospital to wait yet some more.

Then we found that they hadn't registered us, so I got to sit in an office for 30 minutes writing down details about my insurance, and disclaimers, and agreements for the doctors to treat my son.

Finally, we went back to get the CT done. Because of the nature of the CT, they also put in an IV line, in order to get a contrast for the imaging.

Let's just say that they finished with the CT scan about an hour after they called us back.

I was told to check in about 30 minutes later, and they'd have results for me.

I nodded, and did what I was told.

They left the IV in my son's arm, just in case we had to take him to surgery. After all, why put a new line in if there was one already started??

So, 30 minutes go by, and I check up at the desk.

No news.

The receptionist calls back, reminds the technician, and asks me to go wait again.

30 more minutes pass by. I check back in yet again.

This time, the tech was working on the image, but still didn't have anything to go on. I needed to wait.

15 minutes later, the receptionist comes back letting me know that my son and I can go home.

That's it.

Really?

What about the IV in my son's arm?

Oh yeah.. I'll send someone to come take it out.

Yup. 15 minutes later, the nurse comes back to bring us back to the exam room, and take out the IV.

During this time, I'm still wondering what's going on. Was there something? Did they not find ANYTHING? Did they think that there was something else wrong, and it just needed to be treated different?

I'll never find out.

The tech and nurse can't disclose those facts to me, and I need to talk with my physician.

Really?

You mean that I can't talk face-to-face with the radiologist, and get answers?

I have to sit and wait for my doctor to get back into his office THE NEXT DAY in order to find out what's really wrong with my son?

First, I get a nice little panic attack from thinking that my oldest son is going to have to go in for surgery, and that I'm going to be spending a night in a waiting room for a report.

Then, I get to waste a total of 6 hours for imaging that could potentially let us know if he needs this surgery.

Finally, after getting the images taken, we get NO answers besides a "go home" answer.

I don't know about you, but that REALLY bothers and pisses me off.

I really wish doctors would get the same kind of shitty treatment when they're sick, just to let them know how crappy this heathcare system's getting...

Caution: Bitch warning!

2009-10-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah.. I'm HEATED.

I take my job seriously, and I honestly love the work, but if you start to mess with my job, and make it so that I can't get my work done, I become a rather pissy, bitchy and complete asswipe to work with.

Yeah. That's how I'm feeling today.

In my job, we have to do random quality checks before stuff gets shipped to the stores, to ensure that not only do the stores get the items required, but that the employees are doing their job correctly.

Normally, this process takes around 1-3 hours, depending on the size of the store, and the amount of pallets and cartons to tear down and check out.

Today? It was over DOUBLE that.

First off, we have to do AT LEAST 700 cartons per store, so we try to keep it as close to taht number as possible, except for today. Yeah, we doubled that. That got me all excited and jumping at the bit to get started.

Then, we get the slowest person on the loading dock to stack the product. I kid you not, this person can load, and I can put cartons on the roller, then sit back and watch moss grow on the sides of the trailer while he looks for just the right place to stack each and every box.

Then, you add to this the situation of the dock manager wandering past our loading door every 30 minutes asking how much more we've got to do. If he really gave a crap, he could turn around and see for himself just how much is left, but all he really wants to do is annoy the shit out of me.

So, there I am, working to try and keep my temper while we're doing the stupid audit, and listening half-heartedly to the jerk manager ask every 30 minutes how much longer we've got to do...

I got to deal with this from 5:30am until noon. Yup.. NOON.

SEVEN HOURS stuck in a door that should have only taken us AT MOST 4 hours! I'm so pissed still that I'm seeing red.

Then add to this joy the pleasure of getting into my office, only to be able to read nasty emails from corporate folks about me needing to answer emails in a quick and timely fashion...

How exactly am I supposed to answer an email when I'm not in the office to get it? Imagine that someone's emailing me, run in, check the computer, then run back??

I don't think so.

So not only did this job waste over 3/4 of my workday today, it also got me in hot water with my corporate advisors.

So yeah.. I'm fit to be tied. I could chew a pound of nails, just to make a couple of bullets to spit at a certain manager..

Good thing I'm busy trying to get some computer complilations done, or I could be in some serious trouble today.....

See you all later!

I'm confuzzed.

2009-10-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Yup.

I don't know how I got here, but I don't like it.

Have you ever had one of those times when you have a misunderstanding, and it goes totally out of control?

Yeah.

Me too.

How do you go about fixing it?

If you have any suggestions, I'd be glad to listen, since I have NO idea how to get over this one..

I'll be posting more later this week.. Probably more about how sore I am from the exercise I'll be doing today and tomorrow!

See you then!

Um... Ouch!

2009-10-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I'm in pain.

Why? You might ask?

I'm exercising.

Yes, this late 30's male with extra weight and no body tone is trying to exercise more.

How am I going about this?

I'm playing sports again.

I used to LOVE playing volleyball competatively when I was younger. I was actually pretty good, too!

Now?

Not so much.

I mean, the skills are still there, and I know what I need to do, what I should do in a given situation.

However, the physical responses just aren't there. Reflexes that would have helped me dive for a ball in my younger days just don't cut it now. Those reflexes helped move a body that was 140 pounds lighter than it is now! The joints don't want to move as much. The muscles ache from a lack of training and use..

But I refuse to give up.

I'm sore, and I ache in places I'd forgotten I had.

But that just lets me know that I'm on the right track!

I mean, how much weight and exercise can I get from work? Most of my day is spent watching a computer screen, or spent on the phone trying to get a technical issue resolved. I spend some time moving and tossing boxes, and quite a bit of time walking around this giant warehouse... But for the most part my job is a sedentary one.

Add to that my habit of coming home, and camping out in front of the TV or the home computer, and you've got a recipe for laziness and an ever-spreading butt and flabby gut.

So I'm going to try to get my lazy ass out there and do some serious exercise to wake me up, and get me moving again.

Sure, I'm going to be hating life for a while until my body re-adjusts to doing a physical workout, but I'm willing to deal with it!

Wish me luck, and make sure to take out stock in Aleve or Tylenol, since I'm going to be going through those like candy for a while!

General Ranting

2009-10-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

I hate it when folks can't make up their minds.

Or is it that they can make decisions, but they just can't decide which decision to stick with?

Whatever the cause, it's running amok with my schedule yet again.

I was asked to switch over to 5 8-hour shifts because I was needed each day that this warehouse is open.

Yet just yesterday I was called in to be informed that I need to switch back to 4 10-hour shifts starting next week.

OK.

Quit yanking my chain, and let me know..

Is it going to be one, or the other?

My guess is that in six months, I'll be asked to switch back again..

Any takers??

Yet ANOTHER close shave!

2009-10-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well, not really.

Yesterday I had my annual evaluation done by my corporate "support", and passed with flying colors.

At least for all of that headache I was able to get lunch out of the visit!

So now I'm good until March sometime when my OTHER corporate advisor comes into town to asses my ability to do my job.

So many candidates, and so few bodybags left.. What is a semi-respectable IT guy to do??

Speaking of IT and bodybags:

I LOVE this reader that I'm able to get here at work and read.

The name of the runny read is BOFH: the Bastard Operator from Hell.

Yes, the author is British. Well, New Zealander, really, but still QUITE funny to me and my "techie" ways.

I find it in at The Register.com.

Full Address is: http://www.theregister.co.uk/odds/bofh/

I honestly have read this only the last year or so, but I went and found archives and read it from the beginning to the current issue. It puts into words EXACTLY what I feel like doing to some (l)users who happen to bother me while I'm trying to get a database done, or finish an inspection, or any other number of jobs..

Read it for yourself, and see if you can't find something funny in the reading.

The only requirement is that you know something about computers, and a bit about older functions, and a bit of "true" English to be able to not lose something in translation.

I'll talk with you all next week, and hope that you have a great weekend!

Random whining

2009-09-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm bitching..

However, this is my blog, so cope!

I'm _really_ not liking the "new" things we're doing at my work.

Each and every Friday, we're having to do a "special" project for our Quality Control department.

Because of the actions of ONE store that's located well away from our warehouse, we now are doing what I'd call "espionage QC checks" on this store's merchandise.

We're having to tear each and every pallet apart, double-check the entire store, then rebuild the pallets, and make it look like the entire thing was never touched before loading it into the trailer for shipping.

I really don't know what good this step is going to do, since all we'll be able to claim is that the merchandise was fine before it left our dock.

It still doesn't take into account the shipper needing to replace load bars between deliveries, or driving conditions, or load shifting, or many other influences OUTSIDE of our part of the delivery chain.

But I can't argue.

So I cope, and basically write off an entire day's worth of work to get that one store done.

It sucks.

Not only that, but this weekend I helped my younger brother move.

Yeah. That sucked too.

Two trips.

The first packed most of the stuff into the moving van, and I didn't do too badly until the 7th trip upstairs with a heavy dresser, or bed, or armful of boxes.

Yeah. I was hating life right about then.

But the icing on the cake was the last part I helped with.

Moving his pool table.

Getting it into the van wasn't bad at all. There were six of us to move it then, and we moved it all in one piece.

However, two of the six left right after loading the table.

So that left FOUR of us to unload the beast.

My arms are still killing me, and my legs and knees aren't going to let me forget about this weekend anytime soon, either.

Maybe it's time for me to admit that I'm getting older, and really can't quite do the things I was able to do just a few short years ago?

NAH.

I'll just take more pain pills next time!

See you all later!

In Memory: Patrick Swayze

2009-09-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

Now this is a guy I'm going to miss.

I _so_ wanted to be like him when I was in high school. He had all the girls drooling over him, and his movies just seemed to make them melt.

I remember watching his movies, and wanting to be the hockey player, or the post-apocalypse freedom fighter.. The dance instructor, the ghost..

He's going to be missed.

On a different note:

Kanye West interrupted Patrick Swayze's funeral to tell everyone that Michael Jackson's funeral was the "Best of all time!"

I return you to your normal broadcasting..

Blah, blah, blah...

2009-09-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time of year again.

Corporate visitors who are determined to make your work week (and workday) hell on earth.

They come in, act like they're doing you a favor just by being there, and then tear apart each and every job that you do.

"You know, you could spend a little less time doing that job, and spend a bit more time doing this one."

"Why didn't you take more time doing (job I just said you could take less time on)?"

"By the way, I love how you've got control over this area, but here are some pointers to really help you get the most out of your time at this task."

Ad nauseum.

I'm at the tail-end of an entire network upgrade.

Beacuse of this, I've got computers, memory, and laptop stuff ALL over my office. I can't get rid of the towers or laptops until I've taken the memory and hard drives and disk drives out of these old pieces of crap. Once I do that, then I get to pile said parts into a HUGE box that I'm unable to lift by myself, and try to find some place to store it for a short while.

Then I can put the rest of the stuff on a pallet, and shove it in some dark corner of our warehouse until the disposal truck comes.

While trying to do all of this, said corporate inspector drops by, and offers these words of wisdom:

"You know, if you only did one or two machines at a time, your office wouldn't be as cluttered or crowded."

This is the same fella that two days ago sent me the email stating that all the PCs and laptops needed to be done by the time he got there, or my job would be at stake.

I don't know about you, but when given an ultimatum like that, I tend to take serious action.

Now, we've had the PCs and such for a LOOOONG time. Purchasing bought these back in January, and they got here in March. However, I couldn't DO anything with these machines, beacuse the computer lab folks on the corporate end hadn't gotten their machines yet, and as such, didn't have protocols set up for the new PCs to be installed on our network.

Yeah, that little gem there forced me to sit in my office with 40 boxes of computers that just gathered dust.

Once everything was done, it was time to take ONE machine, and work out the bugs. First, it was the operating system not liking some of the programs we run. So we start going over TONS and TONS of code in order to fix that problem.

Then it was access to specific much-used internet sites that were being denied. So we went back into the firewall hardware to reconfigure security settings.

Finally, I was able to install all the programs and configure the PCs the way that they needed to be. However, each PC took a little over 4 hours to get ready.

Do the math:

4 hours per PC

40 PCs

8 hour workdays.

Yeah. LONG time getting it ready.

Then comes the easy part.. Replacing the old one with the new PC.

Simple, right?

WRONG.

Then you get the calls about this screen saver not being on the new machine. Or this one program that they downloaded (against company protocol!) that they want back on the new machine... Yeah. I lost hair at this point.

So I'm frantically trying to get PCs done, changed out, and then stored in my "locked" office facility.

My office isn't really that big.

In fact, it's really quite tiny.

Once you add the networking hardware and servers, and battery backup and alarm monitoring equipment, it gets even smaller.

Now add 40 boxes of monitors, PC towers, laptops, and memory upgrades.

I have enough room to walk, very carefully, from my desk to my door. That's about it.

So, I finally get the stuff done, I get the drives and memory pulled, I get the towers stashed far and away from my office, I get the new PCs installed.

What next?

"You missed two PCs that need to be installed here this year."

Yeah. The two he's referring to aren't even here yet. One he's directly responsible for, since it's the security PC that hasn't been upgraded for 10 years.

The second is the "new" trial PC they're using for applications. This one is basically going to be a "dumb" terminal, where you turn it on, and it automatically boots to our application site on our LAN, and nothing else.

So yeah, I'd have replaced those if they'd gotten here, but since they're not here, nothing's been done about it.

So here I am, looking fondly at the reclaimed space I now have thanks to my hard work, and wonder just when this guy will leave so that I can get back to doing my job without having the moronic statements put me over the edge.

Wish me luck!

I'm gonna need it, I think.

Have you ever really stopped to wonder....

2009-09-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

What does it all really mean?

I'm talking about the complaints and belittling that folks feel the need to heap on people who like to blog.

I enjoy blogging. I write about stuff that moves or affects me.

At times I tell stories about growing up, other times I reveal things about my past.

I rant and rave about work. I complain about behavior and actions that really tend to stomp on my last nerve.

Sometimes I make the posts personal. Other times, I leave them open and ambiguous.

Does it all really matter?

To all of you, maybe not.

To me? It means something.

Yeah, this blog is almost like a diary. However, I don't care who reads it. I don't feel the need to take it under lock and key, and force folks to read what I put down.

If you don't like or agree with what I have to say, then it's as simple as NOT reading for the problem to correct itself. I'm not forcing you to read this, I'm not creating an incident by writing what I feel. I'm just being ME.

There have been a couple of times where what I've written has actually touched someone. That's great. However, it's not really what this blog is about.

There are times when I've offended and upset folks. Again, this is unintentional. That's also NOT what this blog is about.

This blog is here as my sounding board for whatever mood takes me. If I'm feeling nostalgic, then I can write down about fond memories I had growing up. If I'm feeling pensive, I'll write something similar to this post, beacuse it gets me thinking. If I'm in a good mood, I'll write silly stuff. If I'm angry or annoyed, I'll write down arguments about actions or activities that have really set me off.

So no two posts are going to be the same. They change just as often as the wind.

My wish here isn't about gaining readers. Those of you who like what I read, great! Keep reading!

Those of you who don't like what I write.. What are you still doing around here? It's not going to change anytime soon.. Get a clue, and move on.

Maybe at some point I'll decide to let my creative bone take control, and I'll write narraratives that will stir some kind of response from people, and have folks clamoring for more.

For now? I'm content to write what I feel, call a spade a spade, and not concern myself over the technicalities of personal involvement.

So sayeth the author of this mediocre blog, and thus shall it be!

Now for something completely different...

2009-09-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

I love Monty Python. It usually will affect my thinking in some way, shape or form at least 3-4 times in a workday.. And that's WITHOUT watching anything to do with the show or it's movies!

Yes, today is 9/11. The anniversary of a terrible incident in our American history. Yet I'm not really that inclined to relive it as many seem to be. It does strike a chord with me, as I recall where I was, and what I was doing.

But does that really do any kind of justice or service to those who were more directly involved in this terrible action?

I don't think so.

For that reason, I'm bucking the "norm", and going with my own stuff.

Yeah. Not a popular or wise move, but who am I to actually listen to people?

This week, Veronica (or ASM if you prefer) ran a theme about flaws in their HNT weekly photos.

My wife doesn't approve of my reading the blogs on Thursdays, since there is quite a bit of nekkidness that goes on with these posts. However, I do have to say that I don't read these posts at all on Thursdays.

This isn't true of this Thursday. I had to read. I didn't bother with pictures, I read the entries. Once I read the explanations, then I'd glance at the pictures, and see if I could see their complaints.

You know what's amazing to me?

The complete difference of perception about flaws or things that we'd like to change.

I know that the heart of ASM's themed post was about personally percieved flaws or minor "glitches" in ourselves that we'd like to be able to change.

Quite a few were about the stomach. The belly not being flat enough. The pooch that just sticks out and you can't quite tuck in as well as it used to.

Scars. Evidence of childbearing. Surgeries.

Feet, weight, too big this, not enough that..

You know, for each flaw that I could point out about myself, I'm sure there's someone out there who would scowl, point, and claim that I've got no right to complain about it, because there are folks out there who'd LOVE to be in my position.

Yet the idea behind ASM's theme was personally percieved ideosynchracies. Things we see about ourselves that WE feel are "flawed".

I mean, I can look at some of those pictures, and admit that there's some tone lost. A slight need for a "tummy tuck" or whatnot.

Yet as I critique that, it draws my eye toward myself, and the things I'd love to be able to change about myself.

Just ask my wife. I'd love to have the body I had when I got out of the service.

Six foot four, 285 pounds, only 3% body fat.

I was lean, mean, and CUT.

Now?

I'm sure it's still there somewhere, but it's got a BUNCH of insulation to cover it.

Yet I'm not disgusted with myself about it.

I've been teased about quite a few things personally.

My nose.

My hair.

My feet.

My weight.

My height.

My ears.

Yet I don't really see a problem with any of it.

Yes, I'd love to lose weight, and cut myself back down to be able to be more active.

I'd love to have those perfect veneered teeth, and have that dazzling smile that lights up a room.

I'd love to have hair that I didn't have to spend three hours on, and yet still looks like I came from getting a haircut.

I'd love to have a nose that was sensible, and didn't look like a beak that's been broken a few too many times.

I'd love all of that.

But I'm happy with who and what I am.

I'm a father of three. A husband to a wonderful wife. A responsible co-worker with a die-hard attitude. A reliable friend.

Yes. I have flaws. I have shortcomings and faults.

That just makes me even more human.

I'm at peace with being just that..

Human.

A bit of clarification here:

2009-09-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

So, I've been told that this rant I'm currently on is childish.

Really?

So then you feel that our ancestors who left a country in order to speak and say what they wanted were idiots and fools, little better than children for leaving their country of origin, and sailing across the oceans in search of freedom?

I'm not doing THAT grand of an action.

All I'm asking for is some respect and consideration for those that want it.

I'd have done this REGARDLESS of who was being attacked.

The fact is that I read about 20 or so blogs, and it just so happens that Dana's blog is the ONLY one where I see constant belligerant behavior.

(Aside from my own blog, of course!)

I can't stand the fact that some person can come into a place, belittle someone, make everyone else feel just a bit badly for the blog writer getting flamed, then spout off when attacked about their "freedom of speech" and how they have every right to say their piece of mind.

I agree with this.

Yet having that say ALSO means that the person who you're belittling has a right to what they say.

I mean, if Dana were to succumb to the peer pressure that Snugs and DoggyBloggy put on her, she'd really be no better off than most oppressed folks.

What good is it to have freedom of speech if you can't say what you like on a BLOG that you created?

What good is it to have freedom of speech if you can't be open on a public forum?

Attacking someone for what they do is usually expected. Especially from small-minded folks who always assume that you're only doing things for attention and the "oooh-aaah" factor.

Am I childish?

Yes. I have a good penchant for childish behavior.

If you don't belive me, ask my wife. She'll be the first to tell you this, I'm sure.

Is it childish to stand up for someone else?

I don't think so.

Is it really childish to stand up for your rights?

Absolutely not.

So there's the gist of my argument.

I'm standing up for rights. I'm not playing favorites, I'm not trying to be the hero. I'm just standing up for what I truly believe is right.

Will I get attacked for this?

As you can probably see already, I have.

What you can't see are the attacks going on behind the blog. The emails, the name calling, and the disgusted sighs I get.. Even from my wife.

I'm sure that the main reason my wife is against this tirade of mine is because she's assuming that I'm defending Dana.

Well, in a way I am, but to me it's really quite more than that.

I'm standing up for the rights a priviledges of ALL people that blog and write. You shouldn't have to make a personal page private just to be able to talk about your family life. You have the choice to write WHATEVER you feel needs to be said. Sure, if you're going to use folks in your blog then you should use permission before naming someone. However, there are times when I feel that you should be justified in your use of names no matter WHAT their opinion is.

This is one of those times.

I actually like Doggybloggy's site. The food really does look good, and he approaches this with an obvious love for what he's writing about.

That still doesn't give him the right to wander onto someone else's page, and spout vile and nasty words and abusive language to other bloggers.

Snugs is a different matter.

She's a follower, and one with a personal axe to grind against Dana.

Because of this, I could really care less about whatever it is she has to say. She assumes that things are "private" yet then drops onto a public blog to air this dirty laundry. She claims that she doesn't want to write a blog, because it's not a priority in her life. Yet this very same person haunts more blogs than I do, and has time to comment on them all. So writing a blog, not important, reading and commenting on them, very important. She also claims that she doesn't want to drag her family life into her blog. Not every blog I read deals with family issues. Some (like doggy's) deal with hobbies. Others include memories. Still others deal with things they find humorous in the news and outside influences.

Yes, many blogs tend to incluse family life in them. Why? It's simple. When you write, you tend to deal with the things you interact with the most, and that give you inspiration. My family does that, because I tend to spend the most time with them outside of work. Yet this doesn't mean that I keep on talking about them day in and day out.

Mostly I write about MYSELF. My work. My life. My perceptions. My feelings. My rights. Me, Me, Me, ME.

Do you see a pattern here?

The rants I took even revolved around ME.

My personal vendetta. My response and actions. My comments.

Hrm. So if I'm defending someone else, why is this still about me?

Think about that one for a second, and get back to me tomorrow.

The "Piece de Resistance": Doggybloggy speaks!

2009-09-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

As any of my readers know, I've had an issue with two childish bloggers who have decided that their words, views, and opinions are much more important than anyone else's.

These two are quick to spout off nasty comments, diry language, and directions as to how someone should write, or post their blogs. They'll be the first to yell out about this forum being an open and public blog, and that how freedom of speech gives them the right to state their POV regardless of what anyone thinks.

They're right.

Freedom of speech gives you the right to say whatever you'd like to say in a public forum. It's one of the most dear rights our highly lauded Bill of Rights gives to citizens of the US.

However, their beligerrant usage is something else, entirely.

Friday I tore apart the comment that was left to me by one of the two personages I'd had an issue with.

That posting was then graced by the leader of this twosome. Even though this person claims not to have any kind of control or say-so in what Snugs (the other poster) does, she tends to copy and mimic his every move.

That's like telling a parent that their kid doesn't copy their behavior and actions because they want to be like them, but because they're just trying to be their own person.

Yeah.. Doesn't add up here to me at all.

So, to my illustrious blogfiend Doggybloggy, I'll take those two comments you posted on Friday, and as you asked, I'll dissect them, and give you my take on YOU as a person as well.

Are you ready for this? I hope so!

Let's start with the first comment you put up, shall we?

"you are such a pussy - now go on and dissect that!"

Let's see here..

Name calling. You know, if we were face to face, I might actually be worried that you were trying to intimidate me. As it is, this resort just leaves me feeling kind of sorry for someone who is trying to act big, tough and macho. It strikes me more as some 89 pound weakling using blow-up muscles to make themselves look bigger.

You know what the saddest part about this is? I actually like his blog. It's nothing amazing, but just the down-to-earth way he approaches his one true passion really could be interesting, if there wasn't the fact that I know how much of a schmuck he really and truly is.

Moving onward.

"here is only one of your idiotic statements:"Of this I have no doubt. You are both old enough to know better. However, Dana has taken the high road, and tries not to rise to your childish behavior"you dont rise to shit like this you lower yourself - like I am doing by even making a presence on this blog...are you worth it? probably not. will you get readers from this - no more than usual - whats the point? pointless!"

Let's see... You actually read something I posted, and found an argument to tear down! Well, kind of.

Yes, you lower yourself when you start bickering like this. How did you phrase the term? Oh yeah.. "High-school antics" I think was how you'd put it.

You know who mostly started that crap? The bullies. Those "popular people" who thought that their shit doesn't stink, and that they can do no wrong with whatever they touch.

Those were also the ones who tended to cause as much trouble as they could if only so that they could blame someone else for the fuckups that would happen.

Sounds to me like you never left high school Doggy.

You've made a presence on my blog. Heck, even more so than I have on yours. So, if I've taken this entire fiasco, and blown it completely out of proportion, then what exactly are you doing now?

Yeah.. Sit down for a while and think about this.

So if someone stands up to you, shows you just how childish and stupid your actions are, your only recourse is to then make it EVEN MORE childish and stupid?

Great solution. I have to applaud. I'd never thought that taking something that was "high school drama" and descending to preschool antics would work, but you've completely proven me wrong.

But wait folks, there's more!!

I'd posted on this that I was going to dedicate this to him and have it run on Monday..

I got this response just a short while later:

"nah...by monday I will be so over you and so anxious to see the rest of darling danas trainwreck - you need to up the ante - go hit some children or something - make it worth my while to even come back..."

So now he's taking my faults, my mistakes, and trying to belittle me with them.

However, I'm actually NOT ashamed of what I did. I'm upset that my actions caused something that I didn't expect or plan on happening to occur, but I'm not ashamed of it.

But he's trying to make me feel less than a person because I have flaws and faults.

Guess what Doggy? Your flaw is that you can't leave folks like Dana and I alone.

You are the sick bastard that will stand and watch a car wreck just to see if there are hurt and injured folks, then stand there and point, instead of actually trying to help.

You'd rather show everyone else that you're better than those you read about.

You'd rather hide back on your "foodie" blog, talk about foods and get praise for the nifty pictures you cut and paste onto your website, and pretend that you actually mean something to those folks who really only come to drool about food while waiting for their lunch break.

Admit it, when you found that I was coming onto your blog and talking nasty, you didn't like it, because there was someone out there who was "dirtying" up your pretty little website.

I'm amazed that Snugs and you started thinking that I was the anonymous blogger who came crashing your site as well.

Why would I post my own comments, only to then log in with another account, and start all over again?

I stood up for my comments, and I own every word that I wrote.

If you really want to put the blame of someone else making nasty comments on your blog, fine. I'll take credit for something I didn't do, but I did find it quite funny.

So DoggyBloggy, here's my question for you:

If you're such a "big" person, why is it that you feel the need to be so nasty, rude, insensitive, and overbearing to the blogsites that you read?

Do you really think that much of yourself that you could walk on water if your body would just accept what your mind already knows?

Meh. I don't think so.

I think that in all honesty you're just a frightened little middle-aged man who hasn't really made much of himself, and to make up for that lack has lashed out to make himself feel better by tearing down others that he can find flaws in.

In doing so, you've gathered a couple others around you who are willing to jump on the bandwagon because they think you're doing something worthwhile, but in reality all they're doing is trying to tear down the self-esteem of others to make themselves feel better.

Well, if that's the case, then you're welcome to hack at me all you want.

Tear me down. Rip me apart.

I'm willing to stand here and take any and all abuse from you that you might want to dish out.

Do you know why?

Because I know for a fact that each and every insult, slander, or name you call me is just one more petty frustration that you're able to get off your conscience, and help you feel better about your petty existence.

Have a great blog life Doggy. I hope you feel better about the man you are now.

Retribution..

2009-09-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

At last! I finally have a reponse from one of those I have an issue with!

Here.. Instead of making you dig for her comment, I'll post it!

I have not bothered to comment since you deleted doggy's comments, why should I waste my time, besides nobody else seems to interested in your rants either. You are NOBODY to me and you know NOTHING about me. I choose not to blog because I respect my family's life and privacy, I have a life and a busy one at that, and blogging is not a priority for me. Show me where it says that I have to have a blog in order to comment on others blogs. I respect that others do not feel the same way that I do so why am I not offered the same in return? Why does the fact that I do not have a blog matter at all? To each his own.My issue with Dana is between me and Dana. I do not feel the need to answer to you. You have called me names, you have threatened me, you have ranted like a raged mad man over something that does not even involve you. I could do the same with you and the way you are treating doggy, but ya know I think that is between you two.Dana and I have a history of disagreeing and I am pretty sure that we are both big girls and can deal with it ourselves. I am not trying to speak for her, but really, who made you this blog god/police? Do you really think these tangents of yours make you some sort of hero? If you or she or anyone for that matter does not want argumentative comments by me or anyone else you can always go private. If you choose to make your life public you open yourself up to this.I don't know what you think gives you the justification to call me the names that you have done and you seem to be really obsessed with my weight, not sure what that has to do with anything, but I can assure you that even combined me and doggy are no where close to this 500# figure, how about you and your wifey? Maybe you are getting us mixed up. I have never called Dana names. From my view it appears to me that you are doing the very thing that you are upset with me and dogggy for doing, but you are doing it on a much grander scale. In my book that makes you a hypocrite. Seems only fair to me after all the names you have called me that I give you that one. If I was a friend of yours, I would have grave concern over your apparent anger management issues. But since you are nobody to me, I will leave that to all your adoring fans and readers.I hope this satisfies your ego that I have responded. You will not get more out of me, I have no interest in you or your little blog and do not find it entertaining in the least. I refuse to continue this with you although I find it amusing that you have been so monopolized by it. If you want to go on with it that is your choice; it's obvioulsy given you something to blog about. Get a life dude, seriously...Snugs

Yup. For someone who doesn't care, she certainly can be long-winded, can't she?

Now, let's take my highly useless college education that I received, and we'll go over this argument, and tear it apart a bit..

First off:

"I have not bothered to comment since you deleted doggy's comments, why should I waste my time, besides nobody else seems to interested in your rants either. You are NOBODY to me and you know NOTHING about me."

This is a contradiction in terms right here. Hello.. Snugs? This post you put here is called a COMMENT. Congrats on not being able to figure this out.

Secondly, you only comment if Doggy comments? Do you not have a mind of your own? Seriously? I find that quite sad.

I know something about you. You're pathetic enough that even though this _is_ a public Blog, you still feel the need to personally attack those who are willing to talk about their viewpoint and experiences. If that's such a big deal to you, CLOSE the Freaking Window!

Let's move on, shall we?

"I choose not to blog because I respect my family's life and privacy, I have a life and a busy one at that, and blogging is not a priority for me. Show me where it says that I have to have a blog in order to comment on others blogs."

Um, what does blogging have to do with your family's life and privacy? I've read DoggyBloggy's blog, and it's about food. How exactly does that impact his family life?

Granted, WRITING a blog isn't one of your priorities, but apparently reading and commenting on blogs IS.. I mean, you comment more and read more blogs than I do in a week!

You don't need to write one, but if you really want a foot to stand on argument-wise about blog content and what "should" and "should not" be posted on a blog, then walk where others tread before deciding that it's not a path for you.

Moving right along:

"I respect that others do not feel the same way that I do so why am I not offered the same in return? Why does the fact that I do not have a blog matter at all? To each his own.My issue with Dana is between me and Dana. I do not feel the need to answer to you."

I have to call BS to the first line. Actually, you DON'T respect other viewpoints, or we wouldn't really be having this argument (sans comments and blog posts) over your behavior, now would we?

The fact is that because you don't have a blog, you still feel the need to tell others what to do or say. Fascism at work here, ladies and gentlemen! I mean, what's next? You're going to tell me that even though we've never met, I'm not going to be fat/thin/well-dressed enough for society's views?

You issue with Dana has caused a poor display of childishness, and that involves WHOMEVER reads Dana's blog. It's just between Dana and you?? If that's the case, then your whole argument about privacy is CRAP, since you decided to air this PUBLICLY on Dana's blog. You hypocrite.

You don't feel the need to answer to me? Funny, then what is this comment and rant all about then?

Moving onwards, and further into her sick, twisted mind:

"You have called me names, you have threatened me, you have ranted like a raged mad man over something that does not even involve you. I could do the same with you and the way you are treating doggy, but ya know I think that is between you two."

I've called you names, yes. Why? because I'm tired of your attitude and belittling of someone who is just trying to air their dirty laundry. Is it REALLY any business of yours how she does this?

NO.

But then you take your high-and-mighty act, become a total bitch, and post some snide and evil remark just to try to get her goat.

Yeah. Like I said before, I don't take well to bullies.

I've threatened you?? How so exactly?

I'm sure there have been many folks who have offered bodily harm to me over the internet, but have I actually felt threatened?

Nah. Not so much.

Ranted and raved like a madman. You know, I kind of like this.. Mind if I take it, and use it for my blog tagline?

Over something that doesn't involve me? Are you serious? You take pot-shots and make cheap and snide comments on a public blog, and think that it's none of my business? See again the point about this being a PUBLIC blog, and where privacy ends, please and thank you!

You could do the same, and complain about how I'm treating Doggy, and right there you just did! Congratulations! Yes, this is between him and I, and it's also between you and I as well! You also take cheap shots at me EVEN ON HIS BLOG. You can't take the time to open your own page, and just rant like I do about it, so you clamp down like a leech on someone else's work, and air your complaints. You know what? The reason I think you don't is because you're afraid of the rejection that _NO_ readers would even bother LOOKING at your blog, much less reading your crap.

Contrary to popular opinion, I actually DO have a couple of readers. They faithfully read, even when I have absolutely nothing to say. I kind of like that.

However, in this point, I'm sure they'll agree with me that your actions have been reprehensible at best. That you should actually feel the need to defend yourself over this SHOWS everyone that you KNOW DAMN WELL that you're in the wrong, and that you're just trying to justify it in some sick and twisted way for your own self-satisfaction.

Moving onward:

"Dana and I have a history of disagreeing and I am pretty sure that we are both big girls and can deal with it ourselves. I am not trying to speak for her, but really, who made you this blog god/police? Do you really think these tangents of yours make you some sort of hero? If you or she or anyone for that matter does not want argumentative comments by me or anyone else you can always go private. If you choose to make your life public you open yourself up to this."

Of this I have no doubt. You are both old enough to know better. However, Dana has taken the high road, and tries not to rise to your childish behavior.

To be honest, I wrote to her BEFORE I started this, and told her what I was going to do. I can't sit around and watch someone get belittled for their actions by a couple of folks who really don't have much of a clue what she's going through. So yes, I was given (minor) approval for my actions. I don't think she knew the lengths I was going to, but that's my problem, since I'm an adult, and can vouch for my own actions here, thankyouverymuch.

I don't think of myself as a hero. I'm actually trying to teach you and Doggy a lesson here about RESPECT. You're not going to get any from me until I see that you're actually trying to show some to others... Do you recall that one Snugs?

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Amazing what truth lies in such a nice, little statement, don't you think?

So if we don't want to have argumentative statements, we need to hide away from everyone else. That's your solution? Well, that can go two ways. If you don't want someone attacking you for being an overbearing selfish bitch, then you shouldn't post argumentative comments on a public blog, now should you?

Digging further:

"I don't know what you think gives you the justification to call me the names that you have done and you seem to be really obsessed with my weight, not sure what that has to do with anything, but I can assure you that even combined me and doggy are no where close to this 500# figure, how about you and your wifey? Maybe you are getting us mixed up. I have never called Dana names. From my view it appears to me that you are doing the very thing that you are upset with me and dogggy for doing, but you are doing it on a much grander scale. In my book that makes you a hypocrite. Seems only fair to me after all the names you have called me that I give you that one. "

You don't know what gives me justification in calling you names.. True. I'm a jackass for doing so. but I've never made apologies for who I am. Like I've said before, I'm an ass.

I seem obsessed with your weight? I've made two comments about it, and that's an obsession?

Then obviously you're OVEROBSESSED over Dana's blog, since you can't seem to leave her alone. Let's count how many times I've made mention of your weight, and how many times you've gone the extra mile to belittle her blog postings..

Yeah. eat that one Snugs.

You've never called Dana names. But you have insinuated that she's a bad parent, a bad person, many other things. What's worse?

Yes! you get the picture here! I'm treating you and Doggy EXACTLY like you've been treating Dana! How does it feel? Like it? I hope so, because until you start to mature, and clean that SHIT up, I'm going to keep doing it!

Oh joy.. Here's my name:

I'm a hypocrite. *shiver*

Actually, this is what is called "poetic justice". I mean, after all of the nastiness and crap that has been spewed from your comments, you're daring to call me a hypocrite for daring to treat you exactly like you've been treating someone else?

Yeah.. Priceless.

Continuing on:

"If I was a friend of yours, I would have grave concern over your apparent anger management issues. But since you are nobody to me, I will leave that to all your adoring fans and readers.I hope this satisfies your ego that I have responded. You will not get more out of me, I have no interest in you or your little blog and do not find it entertaining in the least. I refuse to continue this with you although I find it amusing that you have been so monopolized by it. If you want to go on with it that is your choice; it's obvioulsy given you something to blog about. Get a life dude, seriously...Snugs"

Rule number one here: You're NOT my friend, Snugs. Nor will you ever be. I don't want to associate myself with someone who not only doesn't care about what others read, but then feels the need to belittle those who are really writing from the heart.

That kind of small mind just isn't something I'd care to surround myself with, thanks.

Adoring fans and readers? I don't know.. Why don't you ask them? More often than not, I really feel like they're just folks waiting for some kind of nasty car wreck, and then they can come out and gawk at the mess.. Then again, some of them really do like what I write, so that's just one more bonus notch for my belt, isn't it?

Yes Snugs, my life is complete now that I've had you comment a couple more times on my blog. Life is full, I can die happy. If it also amuses you, well then I've been able to strike gold not just once, but twice. Oh happy day!

For some reason, I highly doubt that you aren't going to stop posting, especially when this personal character attack on you that I'm posting hits tomorrow. (I'm writing this on Thursday, since that is when I got the comment!)

Like I've said before: Until I see some kind of change of heart from EITHER of you two in regards to your childish behavior, I actually AM going to keep up with this vendetta of mine.

I hope you enjoy this Snugs, I really hope you do. Maybe somewhere along the line, you'll be able to grow up a little, and learn something in the process.

Many happy returns!

Silence is golden..

2009-09-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

You know, this is day three, and so far there's been absolutely NO response from the said perpetrators to my challenge.

Oh, they're willing to run off and hound someone else's blog, but to come right out and face the music just isn't something that they're willing to do.

No.

Like I said before: These people are nothing but internet bullies.

You know what the main characteristic of a bully is?

They're cowards.

Each and every bully that I faced down tended to fold when serious opposition came their way. All of the posturing, the bluster, the fanfare, whatever their "game" was to intimidate others just blew away when someone was willing to stand up to their little game.

Same goes here.

I stand up, I issue a challenge, and look what happens!

Two no-shows from the folks that I called out.

Am I surprised?

Not really.

Does this mean I'll stop?

Nah.

I made a promise to them that I'd keep up my actions as long as they kept up theirs.

I'm still seeing their veiled disrespect and harassment going on at other blogging sites, so I'm not about to cut off my postings.

They're not changing their tunes, they're just hoping that I'll go away, and that someone else will occupy my time. That maybe I'll forget about them, and they'll be able to keep on playing Blog-God here.

Guess what??

Not gonna happen.

I've admitted before that I'm an ass. I really am. I have firm beliefs, and I don't give them up for anything.

Well, this is one of my beliefs.

I'm here to put a stop to what I've seen. If that means that I've got to enter a blog, and write nasty shit for everyone to see, and make folks think otherwise about reading a blog, then so be it.

If that means that I need to go and belittle some writer just because I don't agree with their standpoint.. I'm game.

I think I'll treat these two just like I have to deal with my ADHD son. Actions deserve a consequence.

They've done plenty of actions, and basically recieved no consequences for them.

Well, prepare to reap the whirlwind, because I'm still not through with you two just yet!

Oxymoron warning!!

2009-09-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah.

In case you're confused, I'll explain.

An OXYMORON is a contradiction in terms.

Jumbo Shrimp.

Military Intelligence.

You get the picture..

Yeah. Well this week I started a feud with a couple of lumps of lard on the blog-o-sphere over some (percieved) injustice.

You know what's funny? These same people advocate an open and free internet, and then try to tell others what they should and shouldn't say!

Are you getting the irony here?

They're willing to pass judgement on others, point out faults and flaws, and then expect everyone to assume that they have none themselves.

I'm sorry, did you mean to tell me that you're Jesus Christ returned in the flesh??

You're the next Buddha, and I completely missed that fact?

No, wait. That was the Virgin Mary talking, and I should pay better attention next time.

What. The fuck. Ever.

These folks are just as flawed as the next person. They don't have cause or grounds to be able to do or say these things, and then expect someone NOT to show them the error of their ways.

Beacuse of this, I'll leave any comment open. I'll leave posts unaltered.

However, I expect the same from them.

Oh, wait.

One of them DOESN'T blog.

This is the one who goes to read other folks thoughts, feelings, and life stories, and then proceeds to pass judgement on them.

Yeah. Go find another fence to gossip at.

Unless you're unable to get yourself out of the house.

Then I suggest you look into the Jaws of Life in order to get out and get some liposuction done.

Anyway, I'm done here.

Anyone want to see what happens next?

Read on.

Freedom of Speech

2009-09-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

You know, there are times where I really wonder if some folks can honestly think of themselves as people when they can take a freedom for granted, and then use that same freedom to try to belittle others..

The Freedom of Speech gives us the right to say what we like, where we like, when we like.

If you don't like it, turn the other way.

This is especially nice in the blogging world, because there's that nifty little "x" mark in the upper right corner that you can click on, and the offending material just disappears..

It's called the miracle of technology.

Yet for some unknown reason, there are people out there who are small enough in their ideals, minds, and personalities that they feel the urge and need to lash out at those of us who are willing to write about personal life details.

These people are just "internet bullies" who try to look for a fight, and then get upset when their daily life balance is skewed by something they don't like to read.

Then, for reasons unknown, these same folks try to "convince" (read force) the readers and the writer that they are the only ones with the correct solution, and browbeat you into submission.

I hate bullies.

Hell, I hate folks who even admire and stick up for said bullies.

I'm not a nice person when someone decides to be disrespectful to me. I also tend to get very abrasive when folks start disrespecting someone that I actually admire and respect.

For this, I've now gained the "admiration" of two bloggers.

Bring it.

Show the world just how petty and minor you can be.

I'll be here waiting for your comments, and you can bet that it won't bother me in the least to get as dirty as I want to be.

ARRRRGH!

2009-08-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had "one of those days" that actually seems to go on for the entire work week?

Yeah. I'm there.

This week has been jammed to the gills with stress, bitching, tempers flying, and more stupid crap than most of the rest of this last year combined..

Thank GOD it's Friday, and I can at least look forward to two days of not having to deal with it for a while!

You know, there are days when I look forward to this job. The challenge. The mystery. The fun of digging into a problem and being able to fit it and look like the miracle worker that I truly am.

Yet there are times when I come in with this mentality only to revert to a hunched grumpy troll at the drop of an attitude once the time clock is punched.

The worst part is that there are only a couple of people who are able to do this to me. The biggest problem is that they are two people that I have to interact with on a nearly daily basis.

Yeah. These two.. (I'll call them Twit 1 and Twit 2 in homage to Dr. Seuss) are the epitome of selfishness and ignorance all wrapped up in a giant bundle of attitude. You show up for work, and one of these two will somehow try to find a way to bring you down into their depressing pissy world, and not let you out.

Twit 1 has been moved to the night shift for a while, so I've had a nice reprive from his arrogance. However, Twit 2 seems to take this as a challenge, and has since stepped up his assinine ways.

Today was NO exception.

Let's just say that I'm glad I was able to finally lock myself away in my office, and rant and rave at the walls for a while... I really don't need to lose my job over someone like this, and keeping focused on the job at hand really doesn't help when you've got someone like that trying to make your life a living hell.

Hope you all have a great weekend, and I'll shout out at you another day.

Ciao!

Quirks..

2009-08-03T22:33:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder where we get some of our quirks?

You know..

I've got a few that really tend to annoy the wife.

Here's one for example:

I HATE doing laundry. I don't know why. I mean, it's easy. You put the sorted clothes into the machine, the machine does the work, and you toss said batch into the dryer, then fold and put away.

Easy, peasy.

But I honestly HATE to do it.

However, when I do this most heinous of chores, I tend to go overboard.

My wife just likes to have colors and whites sorted. That's it. Colors with colors, and whites with whites. Nothing more.

Me? Oh no..

Colors go with colors, unless they're jeans, which have their own pile, and towels which have another. Oh, not to mention delicates, and I tend to keep underwear in a pile all by itself.

So I don't just have TWO piles of laundry.. No, I usually have 5-6 piles compared to the two that the wife has.

Why do I do this? What caused me to hate this job, but be obsessively anal-retentive about it?

I don't know. I can't seem to explain it. It's just me.

There are others... Trust me.

I mean, how many folks do you know who come home from work and can disappear into the bathroom for at least an hour?

My wife knows one.

Heck, he's done more reading there than all through his school and college years!

Why?

Dunno. But heck, it's me!

I'm going to sit back, and take it easy for a bit, but I'm going to open up a kind of Q&A session.

Email me questions you want to know about.. I don't care if they're serious or not, and I'll come up with some kind of answer for you.

It may be serious, but don't positively count on it, ok?? I can't make a promise like that!

You can send all emails to jormengrund@hotmail.com, and I'll make sure to file them and answer them as I get time.

You have a great summertime, and I'll talk with you all later!

Long time, no post!!

2009-07-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm writing.. Be amazed.

I've decided to come clean about some things in my past. Judge me how you will, but I've got to air things that have been bothering me lately. Some of you will think that I'm just writing to get responses from people. Others will assume that I'm dramatizing things. Others, that I'm just making this shit up to get readers.

None of that could be further from the truth.

I'm writing today about something in my past that is going to haunt me the rest of my life.

Let's set the stage for my story:

Back before I got married for the first time, I was on top of the world. I had a steady income. I was fresh out of military service, and nothing could stop me. The world was my candy shop, and I had a fist full of cash to spend.

I met my first wife, and we got married VERY young. She'd just graduated High School, and I was barely into my mid-20s. Then, my oldest son was born less than a year later. I was hardly prepared for married life, let alone the pressure and stress of being a parent. I lost jobs, mainly because I was overqualified for the positions I filled. I made managers nervous about the potential for me to take over their jobs, and because of this, I would get let go from jobs for menial reasons.

My wife decided she didn't want to go to college. She decided that she'd rather go to a business school, and get job training to go straight into a paying job right out of her classes. I begged borrowed and outright lied to family in order to get the cash to send her to Medical Assistant classes. While she went to school, I moonlighted at whatever job I could find. Labor positions, fast food, construction temp worker.. You name it, I worked it for at least six months. Then, she graduated, and our ship that was supposed to come in sank like a rock. The employer that agreed to hire her dropped her after two weeks because the doctor's daughter decided she wanted to work that summer, and my ex was the last employee hired.

Enter in more stress. Bills didn't get paid. Money was running tight. We got tossed out of apartments for failure to make rent and utilities. Even my in-laws and my own parents wouldn't take us in. We had hit rock bottom.

Then, a small ray of light.

The church we'd been attending announced our problem to a small bible study group one week. We prayed, and one younger couple offered us the chance of a lifetime. They had just married, and they each owned a house. They were willing to allow my wife and son and I to move into her old house, rent free, in exchange for work on the building. We jumped at the chance, and agreed with no hesitation. It wasn't in the nicest part of town, but at least it was a roof over our heads, and some measure of stability back.

At this time, my oldest son started school, and problems began. Teachers kept complaining to us that he couldn't stay on task. He was having issues with talking back to teachers, and not respecting authority. (My son! Who'd have thought, right??) So, I was able to scratch enough money together to get my son seen by a mental health specialist after my mother told me that he could be showing signs of ADD or ADHD.

Yeah. The dreaded parent-eater diagnosis. ADD.

The shrink agreed that he was definitely ADD, and needed to be put on medication in order to remedy his actions. Needing to have him behave and conform to his school standards, we agreed. Ritalin didn't work. He didn't have any kind of reaction at all to the medication. After a week, the doctor decided to put him on a different med. So we started a time-release drug called Concerta. That's when all hell broke loose.

He'd have manic episodes. I recall one time seeing him clutching a stuffed bear, crouched under our kitchen table screaming at shadows. He'd get angry, and lash out at anything close. Anger was ALWAYS under the surface, even when he seemed calm and happy.

Then, the fateful day happened.

One night, I was home getting the kids into bed. As my oldest finished brushing his teeth, he suddenly started yelling about how I wasn't going to force him to do anything, and he wasn't going to bed. I was tired, it had been a long day, and I wasn't about to be talked to by my son like this, so I picked him up, and bodily put him into bed. He proceeded to yell, scream, punch, and curse at me about how bad a father I was, how we needed to die, and we was going to kill us all that night. I grabbed him by the arms, laid him back, and told him to be quiet and go to sleep. He yanked himself out of my grasp, and screamed "Fuck you!" at me.

I saw red.

Then I did something that I've regretted now for over 10 years.

I reached back, intending to slap his mouth for the language he'd used. It was what my parents and grandparents had done when I was a child, I figured it was OK for me to use it as well.

He moved.

My hand didn't change direction, and I ended up hitting him just below his left eye. It wasn't a hard slap, but from an adult to a young child, it was like a punch from a prize-winning fighter.

He stopped screaming, and huddled in the corner of his bed, staring at me. I couldn't say a word, so I just left his room, shaking and afraid of what I'd done.

The next morning my son had a black eye. My actions had not only caused me pain from doing them, but had left their mark as if to tell me that not only was I a bad parent, but I was also an abusive one.

My son went to school, came home, did his chores and homework, and then went to a friend's house to play before dinner. While there playing, the mother of his friend asked my son how he got his black eye. My son answered simply:

"My dad hit me."

Those four words caused my world to end. The mother, instead of calling and talking to me called the police. I was arrested, and booked in jail for domestic assault. While driving there, I had one of the arresting officers tell me how bad of a parent I was, being able to hit a child who can't defend themself.

Since that day, I've regretted the decision I made to hit my son. Especially in anger.

Now, I know there are more constructive ways to deal with the yelling and screaming, and I can basically tune out the harsh words and nasty criticisms.

What I can't change are actions that can leave marks.

To attest to my diligence to be a better father, I can safely say that I now have full custody of my kids, and they honestly love living with me. I'm a changed man. But there is still a part of me that fears the beast I have inside of me that tells me that physical punishment isn't a bad thing, and needs to be used more often.

Maybe someday I'll come to terms with my spectre, but for now, I just try to keep it locked away safely inside where it can only harm me, and nobody else.

Love your kids.

They're your legacy in this world, and speak volumes about your love, your life, and your values.

My deepest apologies...

2009-06-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that I've been remiss, to you. My friends, my online readers, I sincerely apologize.

One of the things that I swore I'd do when I started this blog was that I would post, NO MATTER WHAT, and keep folks entertained.

However, I made that resolution to myself before things in my work and family life went haywire.

As such, I've been away FAR too long, and I've really missed the reading and comments from those of you who have been my faithful supporters.

I can't promise that I'll post often. Right now things are WAY too much in flux for me to be able to make that kind of promise.

But what I do promise is that when I get the time, you can be sure that I'll tickle these keyboard keys, and at least let you all know that I'm still here, and that the mind is still running overtime, ok?

Now, on to the real reason I'm posting:

Coming up next week, the wife and I are headed for Vegas for a few days.

Yup. Vegas. The adult playground. City of slot machines, booze, women (and men!) and gangsters..

The only real problem I can see in this trip is going to be how much time she and I actually spend together.

"How so?" you might ask. Well, here's the answer:

We're not going there alone. We're taking another couple-friend of ours along. My wife's best friend and her fiancee are coming along as well.

Don't get me wrong. I like these two. I just haven't found a happy medium for spending time with them and also spending time with my wife.

I mean, when my wife's friend is around, she tends to spend her time talking with her, gossiping with her, and watching reality TV shows. While this is going on, a remarkable change also comes over my wife, and she tends to envelop the views of her friend as well. That is when I become a lazy slob. One of those guys that is only good for going to work to help provide a bit of the paycheck, and doesn't do jack around the rest of the house.

Yeah. It blows.

Then, there's the husband. I like this guy. He actually reminds me of myself in my younger years. He's family oriented, and very personable. He loves video games.. Heck, he likes them even more than I do!

However, he's also still young enough that he wants to go out and raise hell each and every night. Me? I'm the old dog, and can't do that so much anymore. Heck, I can hardly drink to excess anymore!

Therein lies the problem:

I'm pretty sure that the wife and I will be spending some time together. However, is that time going to be painted with her nagging at me about things I should be doing, or things that I could get done when we get home, or is it actually going to be fun?

The time we spend apart is going to be interesting as well. Is he going to want to drag me off to various strip clubs? Am I going to be getting the 3rd degree from the wife about what we've done? How manageable is the wife going to be after spending a full day with her girlfriend?

Yeah, I know. Don't count the eggs until they've hatched.

Yet I'm torn.

I want to look forward to this vacation. I want to be excited about it.

But I can't also help but feel that somewhere along the line something's going to go badly, and the fallout is going to be horrendous.

Keep an eye out for me if you're in Vegas, and lay a bet down on the table! After all, it's my third trip there, and that's gotta mean something, doesn't it??

Have a great Father's Day weekend this coming week. I'll be spending it at the Blackjack tables!

A Personal Question...

2009-05-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you'd really want to reach out and seriously SLAP the person you're dealing with in order to wake them up to reality?

Yeah. I've been dealing a LOT with anger issues lately..

Maybe it's male PMS kicking in, and I haven't noticed??

Or is it that my tolerance level for idiocy has just about reached it's max, and I'm brimming with angst and frustration?

I don't know.

All I do know is that there have been so many times lately that I've just wanted to reach out and bash someone's eyes out of their skull because of their idiotic views about things..

I mean, just because you CAN do something, does that mean that you NEED to do it?

No.

Plain and simply, NO.

Think about me this week, and hopefully I'll have the strength to battle on, and be (semi) sane to post again next week!

See you all later!

Thoughts..

2009-05-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered how guys and gals can have a relationship, and NOT want to chop the other's head off at some point?

I mean, when you think about it, everything about a male and a female is diametrically opposed to the other.

Guys communicate more by doing than talking. We show our support by providing. We do things, and let our actions dictate our feelings.

Women? They talk. They talk about anything, and they talk about EVERYTHING. They talk about their hair, their clothes, their kids, their dreams, their job, their sex life, their therapist, yadda, yadda, yadda..

Granted, this is a generalization, and there are exceptions to this, but they are damned few and far between.

Let's talk about clothes!

For men, dressing up means wearing the jeans that DON'T have holes in them, a clean t-shirt with no witty sayings on it, and sneakers. Button-down shirt? Nah. Slacks? No way, this is a PARTY we're going to, not work! Loafers or Patent leather shoes? Only if the patent leather shines enough that we could possibly sneak a peek up a dress or skirt!

For ladies? Yeah, get two or three outfits out, ask the man his opinion, then ignore his suggestion, and wear what you were planning on wearing anyway. Then spend the next TWO HOURS applying makeup, hairspray, mousse, foundation, eyeliner, lipstick, mascara, hair curlers, hair straightener, perfume, etc. on. By the time you're done, the guy's gotta go wash his face, because he fell asleep in the easy chair, and has drool on the side of his face!

Shoes? For ladies, it's an addiction. What pair would look good with which outfit? Does this match the color of my eyes or handbag? Do they help to show off my pedicure and polish on my toenails?

For guys.. As long as they're comfortable, and we can wear the heck out of them, one or two pairs will do, thank you.

Food:

Yeah, I'm going there!

Girls, you totally confuse us on this one.

Let's start at the beginning. When a guy and girl date for the first time, she'll eat like a bird, hardly touch anything, and talk his ear off the entire time. He'll order what he usually would, and enjoy it. She'll take her leftovers home, and let them rot in the fridge, because she didn't really want the dish she ordered, but she doesn't want to seem ungrateful for the date.

Next, after getting to know each other better, a change happens. She'll actually start eating. However, this doesn't keep her from talking the entire time. So not only do us guys get to eat our food, but we get to see how yours looks too. The guy keeps up with the same thing. Order what you would normally, and try to keep the food pieces that could possibly fly from her mouth from landing on your plate.

Then they become an "item" or even get married. Then you find out this lady does something you never even considered: She eats ALL THE TIME. not big sit-down meals, but she's constantly snacking. Crackers here, a rice cake there, breakfast, a snack bar, a small doughnut, lunch, a candy bar, some Wheat Thins, a diet bar, Dinner, some ice cream, maybe a small slice of pie, a bag of popkorn.

It boggles the mind.

Shopping.

When I shop, I plan on what I'm going to get, know where I'm going, get in, get the stuff, and get out. Job done.

Girls?

Browse. Look over the price of this or that, this would look nice. Let's see what's in this store. I know we don't need anything here, but it would be nice to plan on a time when we might, so let's go in here and see what they've got. Try this on. Try that. What do you think that would look like in "x" room? Ad Nauseum. Can you tell that I HATE shopping? No? I'll tell you then. I HATE SHOPPING.

Yet for all of this, we are somehow able to look past this, and find someone that seems to match us. Our compliment. The other half of our being. The one who can finish your sentance before you even know you're talking about it. The Yin for your Yang.

I don't know how it happens, and I don't know WHY it happens. Yet the thing I find the most humorous about it all is this one simple fact:

The person we come to join with is one who you'd NEVER expect to deal with. They do each and every thing that you don't do, and yet somehow, instead of this being some kind of annoyance, it is something that you wind up cherishing that person for.

The same exact behavior that your brother does that can send you completely over the edge is something that you boast about to your friends because your wife did it..

The stuff that seems to melt your eyeballs to hear about is the stuff that you love when your girlfriend does it...

Nothing's as cute or as adorable when that significant other is at work. They could do something you've sworn you'd never deal with, and it becomes passable..

What is it about these unchecked emotions we've got that makes us more tolerant?

If we were to ever be able to harness the power of an emotion, then I'm sure quite a few of the "world problems" we've got going today would be taken care of.

The wars that we fight would cease, since we could promote tolerance for religious and racial differences.

The political arena would be less of a mess, since we'd be more tolerant of deciet and broken trust issues.

Wages would increase, and the cost of living would decrease, because we'd be wanting to help support and provide for each and every person we came into contact with...

The only real problem I have is that we'd also be wanting to screw each and every face we saw..

For some, that's not considered a "bad" thing.

For me, I'm just too old now to really enjoy it!

Have a great week, and a happy Mother's Day (early) for my lady readers!

And the next number for the Powerball jackpot is...

2009-04-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

You.

Yeah. Little 'ol you sitting there reading this.

Can you honestly believe what is happening in this economy now?

First, we get to see the "big three" automakers apply and get denied Federal Bail-out money because they honestly show that they've got no clue about cash boundaries.

Then, they come back, after a nice long coaching session with some set actors, and get granted bailout cash that they so "desperately need" for their business.

Now?

Yeah, they're trying to get you to foot the bill.

How, do you ask?

I was listening to a radio commercial on my way home from work this evening, and Chevy was blaring an ad to it's listeners:

"If you lose your job, we'll make your payments for up to 9 months"

Wow.

Just incredible.

So now I've got this overwhelming urge to run out and buy a car that I can't afford, then lose my job so that I don't have to pay for it for nearly a year, then rinse and repeat!

Doesn't that sound like FUN??

Not only that, but I'm sure that my taxes on this are going to be helping those folks who could care less about keeping a stable job in a car far longer than they should be!

Is there really no sanity in finance with "big business" anymore?

Back, and with a new perspective!

2009-04-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I've posted, and I'm not sure really where to begin here.

Things seem to be better at the house. We're not fighting, but yet there still seems to be a bit of tension running just under the surface. I don't know if this is just me, and I'm fooling myself, yet it really does feel like I'm playing with a tripwire I can't see, and the bomb it's connected to could go off at any moment.

However, until such time, I'll be willing to make things seem normal and stable if only for the sake of the kids, who were concerned about where things were going.

I'm also trying to see if taking more time to focus on my wife will help matters. Maybe I've been too self-absorbed, and haven't been spending enough time with her and tending to her needs.. Maybe we need to have personal getaway time each time the kids are at their mom's for the weekend.. Maybe I should focus more on what I love about her, instead of the things that irritate me..

Speaking of that, let me ask you all something.

As men, do you often wonder why ladies will complain about the things you do (and especially the things you DON'T do) when they get together? My wife and her two close girlfriends watch TV shows at our place on Tuesdays and Wednesdays on most weeks, and even though they try to be quiet, some of the conversation can be easily overheard, and I can hear them talk about such things. How he's doing this, and it bothers them. Or he's NOT doing this, and he really should. Why can't he do this, like she's seen other guys do? Et Cetera..

When I've been out with my guy friends, we will sometimes talk about our wives, but for the most part we avoid this. Why? Because we want to have a good time, and not have something possibly get back to the wife that we'll have to pay for later. Plain, simple, easy.

Ladies: Why do you feel the need to complain or compare your significant other to people? Why is it that just being a person isn't good enough? Are there times where you feel they just won't listen, and so talking about personal things with friends is going to better or help the situation?

Heh. Listen to me here. I'm complaining and asking for information from interweb folks about a subject that really kind of strikes me as being a bit oxymoronic...

Let's just say that I don't understand the need for comparison or complaint.

Yeah, there are times when I've found myself comparing my wife to other people. However, when I _do_ find myself doing this, I stop. I prefer to take my wife at face value. I appreciate the things she does, and I love her for the person she is, not the person she could become.

How about all of you? What are your thoughts?

Things that are bothering me..

2009-04-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like even though you're married, you're just "playing house"?

I mean, you have a solid relationship, yet the passion and little things just aren't there. You're kind of running off a set script of things that "all married folks are supposed to do" and there's just no spontinaety or passion in the relationship just don't seem to be there. The spark seems to have died?

Yeah. Me too.

But I refuse to give up.

I love this person I'm with. I adore her, actually.

Not only that, but I made her a promise, and I'm going to stick to it.

You all might have heard it a couple of times before. You know the one I'm talking about..

"For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. As long as we both shall live."

Yeah. That promise.

Sure, there are times where it seems like all we're really dealing with is the worse, and we wonder where the heck the better went to. Sometimes richer seems so far off, and we're stuck with the poorer. Some of us are stuck in the sickness part, and wonder if any health is on the way.

Yet I've got to be stubborn.

I made this woman a promise. Not only that, but I also told this to her parents, my parents, her friends, and my friends as well.

What kind of man could I consider myself if things got tough, and I just decided to quit?

What kind of father could I consider myself if I can't set an example for my boys about making commitments, and then not follow through on them?

What kind of example would I be giving my daughter if I were to jump from wife to wife? What kind of self-esteem issues will that make for her in her later years when she potentially decides to marry? Is she going to think that she's as expendable as the women I married?

Maybe I'm just not willing to see the big picture. Maybe in some way I'm being an egotistical bastard, and I'm not giving a damn about someone else's feelings.

However, I still have to be true to myself.

And the truth is that I love this person, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep my promises and vows.

My hope is that each and every one of you feels the same way, and can possibly share this with your significant other or spouse.

The greatest gift each human being posesses is the ability to love. Don't squander it.

I'll talk with you all next week.

Like all good things...

2009-04-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

Yes kiddies, I'm having to trim down the amount of time I spend blogging.

I've made a promise to myself to not post while at work. I've come to realize that my income is near and dear to my family, and for me to put that in jeopardy by writing about things that upset me for the enjoyment of others is irresponsible.

Now? Well, I've decided to post when I can while at home. It's not going to be as steady and as usual as it has been in the past, but there will be odd times when I'll be able to get free, and rant and rave about things that have set me off.

As a few of you know, I'm also dealing with some harsh and serious things on the home front as well, and right now one of my major focuses is going to be on resolving these issues once and for all.

So your thoughts and concerns are welcome, and I dearly hope that I won't lose your readership while I take time to clean house.

Have a great day, and I'll talk to you again soon.

2009-04-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

You know, I've found a way to save cash.

I don't need to take that camping trip during the summer.

I can just go sleep in a cold room, and wake up next to a stranger without having to leave my house.

Think of all the cash I could have saved if I'd known this years ago....

This post is brought to you by the letters "F" and "U"

2009-04-07T12:23:00.001-07:00

Yeah. I'm in a depressed and bitchy mood.

I'm not going to talk about it, one of you knows exactly what's going on.

Anyway, bad stuff going on at home, and I just didn't feel right not letting you know I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm alive.

I'm at work.

I don't want to deal with it right now.

I'll talk more later.

And this is how the Black Plague spread..

2009-04-03T05:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah, contrary to popular advice, I'm back at work.

I don't know what it is..

I mean, just ten years ago I would have found any and all excuses to find a reason NOT to come to work..

Now? I'm finding excuses as to why I need to be here, and NOT stay home!

Talk about a severe change of attitude....

I'm not as bad off today as yesterday, though. I loaded myself up on Nyquil, sinus relief, decongestants, and cough syrup.. Not to mention cough drops and the occasional tall cool drink of water.

I think I'll make it through just fine today.

My coworkers? That's another story.

There are some folks here that I wouldn't mind coughing all over, and forcing them to take a few extra days off work just to get them out of my hair for a bit longer.

However, grandma didn't raise her boy to be rude like that, so I politely cover my face when coughing, and excuse myself when needed.

The worst part about being sick like this is that I'm all alone this weekend.

The kids are at their mom's.

My wife is on a "girls weekend" at the local casino.

I'm in an empty house, with a loving pooch, but nothing more.

I can't do the "sick man" trick, and just mope about in the recliner crying about how bad my head hurts, or some such nonsense.

If I'm thirsty, I get my butt up and get a drink. Hungry? Fix something. Tired? Go lay down. Maybe get a blanket and crash where I land.

But there's nobody to talk to.

Yeah, I can talk to the dog, but she doesn't talk back too much, and it gets boring after a while. I like the undivided attention and love I get from her, but sometimes I really wish she'd learn more english than "ride", "treat", "walk", and "outside", you know?

Well, I've got inventory and stuff to get done today, so I'm going to be knees and elbows in serious dirty stuff. Wish me luck, and you all have a great weekend!

Another drop (drip) in the bucket

2009-04-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm late posting this, sue me.

I'm sick.

Not just the "I don't feel like being here, so I'm going to try to think up an excuse to not come in" type, but the aches, pains, stuffy head, runny nose, coughing, sore back from hacking, sore throat, mild fever kind of sick.

And like an idiot, I came into work as well.

I don't know what it is about this place, but each and every time that I have to start crawling into the "devil dust" we have in this place, I get sick.

This week has been interesting, in that I've had to move offices, drop cabling, and change out computer monitors. So I've done my fair share of dirt crawling these last couple of days. Not only that, but the first day that I came home, I left a nasty black-gray ring in the tub when I took my shower.. Not a pretty picture, I can tell you!

So I'm here, sick, miserable, and trying to focus on lasting the rest of the day so that I can carry my sick butt home, take a steamy hot shower, and crash into bed. Food doesn't even enter into the picure right now, just hot water and a warm bed.

You want to know just how depraved I am?

I'm conetemplating how I'm going to do tomorrow, and trying to convince myself that I'm really not too badly sick, so that I can get work done.

I think I need to see a shrink.

Thank you all for your comments and postings over the last couple of days. I've been trying to air out things that have bothered me, and to know that I'm not the only one out there seeing something wrong gives me just a bit more hope.

I'll hopefully be posting earlier tomorrow, so keep your eyes open!

Something keeps bothering me..

2009-04-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling that folks only keep you around to use you for something.

That if they were to ever be able to do what you're able to, you wouldn't be around anymore?

That if you weren't able to do the things you can, you wouldn't be as vital anymore?

Yeah. I'm feeling like that right about now.

Yesterday I put in one hell of a workday just to get things done.

I'd posted about how I'm from the old-school teachings that my grandparents instilled in me.

I take pride in my work, and I do it to the best of my ability. I refuse to do something halfway, and leave it done with "just enough" to get it to work. In my opinion, that's just not right. I correct and complete the problem, and then in my estimation it's finished.

Yesterday, I was trumped.

We moved a workstation, and there were some unforseen consequences of the move. One was the failure of the IP phone, and another was the failure of the PC itself.

One was easily fixable. The other was not.

I had a replacement phone for the phone issue, but the PC was another matter altogether.

What had happened with the PC was best termed as a lack of housekeeping by the user of the PC tower. During the move, dust was able to sift into the contacts and hard drive of the PC, effectively erasing any and all data from the computer.

How do I know this?

Because it worked fine when I turned it off from the office it was in. Heck, it works fine now (once I removed the foot of dirt and dust from the inside of the machine!), and when transporting the PC, I took great care in keeping it stable.

Now, housekeeping on a PC isn't difficult. All that is really needed is to grab a small can of compressed air (that I provide these folks for free when asked!), and blow it into the tower about once a week. This keeps the dirt down, and the circuts clean. A clean PC is a happy PC!

Yeah. It doesn't happen much around here.

So, after putting in 18 hours of work to get the problem fixed, I was called and told to leave things "as they were", and go home. The problem will still be here when I get back, and I can work on getting it resolved then.

Grudgingly, I agreed, and headed home for a bit of food, and my bed.

When I came in this morning, it was to managers rooting through my office trying to find their PC and phone, and then yelling at me because their desk wasn't completely moved like it was supposed to be.

Being half-awake, and still a bit on edge from the excess of work I'd done the day before, I was impressed that I could muster up the polite response of telling them to talk with the GM who ordered me to go home, and that I'd take care of their problem when I was able to.

Threats of termination floated on the breeze, and I finally ordered them out of my office so that I could get to work.

Yeah, I'm still working on the problem. Heck, it's taking me longer to post than normal because in between sentances I'm checking for compilation completions, hoping that my data recovery scripting is going to work, and I can at least salvage some data that was lost..

Yet I can't help but feel that if any of the management here felt that they could do the job I'm doing, my time here would be awfully short..

I've been told on a regular basis that I do a great job around here. Things go smoothly, and problems don't happen very often. When problems _do_ show up, they tend to get fixed right away, and they get taken care of to such a degree that the problem usually doesn't happen again.

Now if I could only use that problem solving skill to replace faulty users, I'd really be in business, wouldn't I?

I'll talk with you all tomorrow, I've got a computer to fix.